Friday, December 31, 2010

Robo-Kitty is afraid of fruit. Silly little lion man.

[Angsty melodramatic complaints about life]
[Rationalization of poor choices]
[Resolve to change]

[Unrealistically cheery closing comment]

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Dear Jack

Dear old Clive Staples Lewis.

Horrible name, eh? I see from his wikipedia entry that his friends called him Jack, which is a splendid name. Nobody really noticed when he died, because it was the same day Kennedy was assassinated, and Aldous Huxley died also.

He was a treasure, though. I find his writing so calmingly and seductively logical. It's like Morgan Freeman reading me the periodic table as I fall asleep; I am soothed by the order and flow as much as I am by the voice.

I am currently reading "The Problem of Pain". It is only 150 wee pages long, but I am taking a while with it because I don't want to miss anything. I just cannot explain to you the goodness that I feel when I read this. It is good like freezing cold 3% milk, or like swimming in the summer, or like nice red peppers. Spectacularly refreshing.
Apologies if my vehemence is off-putting.

I finally finished Band of Brothers today. 'Twas well done indeed. I am grateful that our generation has not see real war, and will likely never see the kind of fighting that those people did.
On Christmas Eve Day, when I was at the mall, I struck up conversation with a crazy old man selling plants in a booth. Actually, he struck up conversation with me. He was such a sweetie and told me things like he could tell I was a nice person. It made me all shame-y inside, which is healthy. Anyway, he said he had signed up for the war when he was 20 years old, and his cousin had lied to get in at age 17. I didn't ask what he had done in the war because I don't know if that is polite. He went on to say that our generation (me excepted, of course :P ) took a lot of things for granted, like peace, prosperity, and freedom.
I like that old man very much. I feel like I owe it to him to be thankful for what has been given to me. I owe it to him to make something of myself with the opportunities that have been handed to me.
If you ever see an old fellow with the droopiest neck ever selling plants (specifically bonsai) at the mall, talk to him. He is swell.

Christmas was not so bad this year. Less people means less stress means less fights. We had food on the 24th and opened "presents" (my parents do not really believe in gifts so we just get lots of snacks). We told funny stories about poop for a while. It was ok. My wee sister and I hung out for most of my time at home. I truly enjoy that kid's company.

My driving test is on Wednesday morning. Hoo-ra.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

There's something about seeing another person cry that destroys me.
Somehow, I believe that everyone is better equipped to deal with things than I am. If they're upset enough that it breaks out, then the world is well and truly ending.
I can't fix it either, even though I want to very much. Naught I can do.

I watched American History X twice in the past few days. It is magnificent and it is killing me.

There's one scene where the main character is tucking in his little sister and something about his hands kind of stabbed me. He had killed two guys earlier, and then, while he was pulling up the blanket around this kid, I saw how good and comforting his hands looked. How does that much love and that much hate fit inside the same person?

"Everybody has at least two, if not twenty-two, sides to him."

Robertson Davies would cheer me up, if I had him here. Pierre will make me sad again, but a different kind.
Good enough.

Growing up some more.
I have a special gift for hurting my mother's feelings. I don't even have to try.
Just beneath my annoyance at her sensitivity is the knowledge that I am just as sensitive, but I hide it differently.

I'm in the throes of some sort of panicky melt down right now. I am completely unable to work out this situation and my mind is stuck in a rut. I'm repeating the same thing to myself twenty times a day and it's getting old.

Must distract self! Gonna attempt reading, and hopefully Settlers of Catan later. I'll be happy to have school back. If I actually try I won't have to worry about people for at least a few months, and then I will be running away to BC and New York.

Ooooh, kite surfing is super fun! I got dragged across a snowy field on my face!

Now, Pierre, let's see if your weed-filled writings on the Great Depression are any match for me and Dr. Anjelica!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Cue religious ramblings.

Oh dear goodness do I love trees. Trees trees trees!

Also: pool, bar fights, horses, Donald Miller, coffee distributors, and people who are good people.

I had a lovely evening out, and am all whipped up on the inside from caffeine, so I will now watch a film instead of going to sleepies.

Did I mention I went to mass on Thursday evening? It was awesome. It was comforting and calming to be in a beautiful old building. The acoustics alone helped me uncurl a lot. I didn't know what was going on a lot of the time. There is something to be said for people who can be serious about something. I tend to avoid seriousness, because it generally strikes to close to vulnerability for me to enjoy. I like to use humour to explain myself, which leads to poor communication in a lot of situations. Protestants like to make church less serious, which makes it a bit more accessible and less threatening. They focus more on self-expression and interaction. Mass was almost completely silent. No one was there for the other people in the pews. That sounds horrible, but it was really calming. They were there because they believed that they should be, and that the time there was not for other people. The time there was for them to share with God. I am finding that as I am getting further and further into a mudpile of conflicting beliefs, it is a huge relief to be surrounded by people who whole-heartedly believe and trust that this is true and right. In part this is because I find it difficult to believe in anything in the sense that I feel like everything is so unstable that I can never really know what is certain. I've been coming up against that wall with Christian people for a long time. I ask people to explain how they know God is present with them, and they always say something along the lines of feeling or sensing his presence. Unfortunately, that is just not going to happen for me. I am a logic based individual, and if you can't detail a logically constructed argument for why you believe something, how could you be willing to die for it? That's essentially what I can't wrap my head around: many don't have any logical construct behind their beliefs, but they insist that because they feel it, it is true. My darlings, feelings are chemical reactions. They should not be the basis for any decision.
I'm not saying I don't believe in God. All the hours of thought I've poured into that have reinforced the fact that I believe existence depends upon a something, and that something must be logical, and must be good. Beyond that, things get hedgey. I can follow along and find a reasonable amount of logical credibility in the concept of Jesus.
I think where I get hung up is the historical aspect and the Bible thing. If EVERYTHING we know about God is in that book, doesn't that really limit him? Also, how can people be so certain that Genesis is 100% literal and not a myth invented later to explain the way things were? Unfortunately, if the Adam and Eve story is a myth, then the entire Jesus thing falls apart as well.
I am frustrated right now that I don't know. Mass is a comfort because they do know, somehow. I don't even think they're right, but the fact that they think they're right still comforts me. I am happy to know that there is such thing as believing something. Faith is humanly possible.
Imma just keep on truckin in the best way I know how. The good, logical being which the universe depends on will not piss on that.

Friday, December 17, 2010


I woke up this morning at quarter to seven. I hate that when I wake up in the morning I can't generally go back to sleep.

I've been feeling really antsy the past few days, and I dunno why. I'm partiall giddy about being off of school, I know, but I am just jumpy.

So I made cookies! I had to go out and get ingredients first but these are without question the most successful sugar cookies in the history of me baking things.

Robo-Kitty had a vet appointment as well. The vet's office has been calling me like every week for like a month to make me bring him in for his booster. I had to carry the bugger there in a crate because I don't have a cat carrier to put him in and the bus won't take him if he's not in a carrier. It's about a 25 minute walk each way and he's a heavy sucker. 9.5 pounds doesn't sound like a lot, but when it keeps shifting around and is not easily graspable... 
I got him there and the vet checked him out. Everything looked fine. Then the vet took a look at his file and was like "Yeah, he really doesn't need to be vaccinated again. He's fine. You can take him home now." I was pretty happy about that at the moment, because it meant I didn't have to give them money, but after carrying kitty all the way back home and realizing that my arms are officially dead forevers, I got a little upset. Stupid vet office frikken calling me like a dozen times and making me walk out there for NOTHING (except dietary advice)

At least I have a large supply of sugar cookies! And Pierre Berton: my favourite pot-head cat-crazy-Canadian historian! Reading about the causes, circumstances, and ramifications of the Great Depression should cheer me right up!

Monday, December 13, 2010


Had a dream that 
I went home this weekend and all my family was there. Parents, young Sister, Brother from Australia, his kids, Brother and Sister from out West: all my family.
Sister who is married and I were talking, and she told me she was pregnant. I was so excited and happy, and I wanted to tell everyone, but she wouldn't let me because she was annoyed about it. She wanted to work, not have babies. I tried to convince her to be happy but she was stubborn.

I was talking to my friend that had driven me home when my Uncle and cousin from BC walked in. They were very tired. I remember my uncle yawned and I could see the back of his ribcage down his throat, because he was so skinny and so tired. Apparently uncles in dreams don't need internal organs... He looked younger though. My cousin had scars on his face from a fight. I suddenly realized that this was really weird. We hadn't been planning anything family based for the weekend.

I went to find my mother, which was difficult. She was stressed out and running around getting people worked up like she normally does in a high-pressure situation. Anyway, I corralled my little sister and asked her if my Grandma had died. That was the only reason I could figure out for everyone being at my house.. She got mad at me.

When I finally caught my mother I asked her about Grandma as well, and she looked shocked. She said that yes, Grandma had died and the funeral was supposed to be on Sunday. I freaked out, asking her if she thought I was just supposed to figure it out on my own, and why she hadn't told me. She said she just forgot.

I was mad about it, but I went to hang out with my cousins, and we had fun.

Friday, December 10, 2010

50 things EVERYONE should be able to do

Stolen from
I have highlighted the ones I can do in green, and added some thoughts in brackets.

1.  Build a Fire – Fire produces heat and light, two basic necessities for living.  At some point in your life this knowledge may be vital. (Gasoline! Easy!)
2.  Operate a Computer – Fundamental computer knowledge is essential these days.  Please, help those in need.
3.  Use Google Effectively – Google knows everything.  If you’re having trouble finding something with Google, it’s you that needs help. (Google does know everything. I love you, Google.)
4.  Perform CPR and the Heimlich Maneuver – Someday it may be your wife, husband, son or daughter that needs help.
5.  Drive a Manual Transmission Vehicle – There will come a time when you’ll be stuck without this knowledge. (I wanna learn but no one will teach me :( ...)
6.  Do Basic Cooking – If you can’t cook your own steak and eggs, you probably aren’t going to make it. (Grilled cheese, steak, pancakes, bacon, pasta. Set for life.)
7.  Tell a Story that Captivates People’s Attention – If you can’t captivate their attention, you should probably just save your breath.
8.  Win or Avoid a Fistfight – Either way, you win. (I'm a dodger, not a fighter.)
9.  Deliver Bad News – Somebody has got to do it.  Unfortunately, someday that person will be you.
10.  Change a Tire – Because tires have air in them, and things with air in them eventually pop. (My dad taught me on the side of Highway 85 at 6am on a sunday morning)
11.  Handle a Job Interview – I promise, sweating yourself into a nervous panic won’t land you the job.
12.  Manage Time – Not doing so is called wasting time, which is okay sometimes, but not all the time. (Only under pressure.)
13.  Speed Read – Sometimes you just need the basic gist, and you needed it 5 minutes ago. (Books are friends! And food!)
14.  Remember Names – Do you like when someone tries to get your attention by screaming “hey you”? (I am much better at remembering faces)
15.  Relocate Living Spaces – Relocating is always a little tougher than you originally imagined. (Note: the less you have, the less you have to move.)
16.  Travel Light – Bring only the necessities.  It’s the cheaper, easier, smarter thing to do.
17.  Handle the Police – Because jail isn’t fun… and neither is Bubba. (They are large. Do not piss them off)
18.  Give Driving Directions – Nobody likes driving around in circles.  Get this one right the first time. (My years of getting lost everywhere have paid off. I know where everything is)
19.  Perform Basic First Aid – You don’t have to be a doctor, or genius, to properly dress a wound.
20.  Swim – 71% of the Earth’s surface is covered by water.  Learning to swim might be a good idea.
21.  Parallel Park – Parallel parking is a requirement on most standard driver’s license driving tests, yet so many people have no clue how to do it.  How could this be? (It's because most people [women] have no idea where there car starts and ends.)
22.  Recognize Personal Alcohol Limits – Otherwise you may wind up like this charming fellow. (A recent lesson)
23.  Select Good Produce – Rotten fruits and vegetables can be an evil tease and an awful surprise.
24.  Handle a Hammer, Axe or Handsaw – Carpenters are not the only ones who need tools.  Everyone should have a basic understanding of basic hand tools.
25.  Make a Simple Budget – Being in debt is not fun.  A simple budget is the key.
26.  Speak at Least Two Common Languages – Only about 25% of the world’s population speaks English.  It would be nice if you could communicate with at least some of the remaining 75%.
27.  Do Push-Ups and Sit-Ups Properly – Improper push-ups and sit-ups do nothing but hurt your body and waste your time. (Why on earth would I need to do this?)
28.  Give a Compliment – It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give someone, and it’s free.
29.  Negotiate – The better deal is only a question or two away.
30.  Listen Carefully to Others – The more you listen and the less you talk, the more you will learn and the less you will miss.
31.  Recite Basic Geography – If you don’t know where anything is outside of your own little bubble, most people will assume (and they are probably correct) that you don’t know too much at all. (Taiwan is the capital of Asia) 
32.  Paint a Room – The true cost of painting is 90% labor.  For simple painting jobs it makes no sense to pay someone 9 times what it would cost you to do it yourself.
33.  Make a Short, Informative Public Speech – At the next company meeting if your boss asks you to explain what you’ve been working on over the last month, a short, clear, informative response is surely your best bet.  “Duhhh…” will not cut it.
34.  Smile for the Camera – People that absolutely refuse to smile for the camera suck! (I look unfortunate either way)
35.  Flirt Without Looking Ridiculous – There is a fine line between successful flirting and utter disaster.  If you try too hard, you lose.  If you don’t try hard enough, you lose. (If you're me, you lose.)
36. Take Useful Notes – Because useless notes are useless, and not taking notes is a recipe for failure.
37.  Be a Respectful House Guest – Otherwise you will be staying in a lot of hotels over the years. (Do not throw up, do not take all the alcohol, do not poop ANYWHERE. PERIOD.)
38.  Make a Good First Impression – Aristotle once said, “well begun is half done.”
39.  Navigate with a Map and Compass – What happens when the GPS craps out and you’re in the middle of nowhere? (Maps are pretty and useful!)
40.  Sew a Button onto Clothing – It sure is cheaper than buying a new shirt.
41.  Hook Up a Basic Home Theater System – This isn’t rocket science.  Paying someone to do this shows sheer laziness. (Red goes into red, white goes into white. If they're all black, read the frikken labels)
42.  Type – Learning to type could save you days worth of time over the course of your lifetime.
43.  Protect Personal Identity Information – Personal identity theft is not fun unless you are the thief.  Don’t be careless.
44.  Implement Basic Computer Security Best Practices – You don’t have to be a computer science major to understand the fundamentals of creating complex passwords and using firewalls.  Doing so will surely save you a lot of grief someday. (Just buy a Mac. Problem solved)
45.  Detect a Lie – People will lie to you.  It’s a sad fact of life.
46.  End a Date Politely Without Making Promises – There is no excuse for making promises you do not intend to keep.  There is also no reason why you should have to make a decision on the spot about someone you hardly know. (To be fair, I've never needed this skill)
47.  Remove a Stain – Once again, it’s far cheaper than buying a new one. (Industrial strength degreaser. Done.)
48.  Keep a Clean House – A clean house is the foundation for a clean, organized lifestyle.
49.  Hold a Baby – Trust me, injuring a baby is not what you want to do. (Holding the baby is not what I want to do either.)
50.  Jump Start a Car – It sure beats walking or paying for a tow truck. (Unlike some people I know....)

I would like to add that EVERYONE, regardless of their lifestyle or career choices, should be able to formulate and defend an opinion cohesively.
In other news, that Scott Pilgrim movie was better than I expected. Someday Michael Cera might be able to act.
Aaaaanddddentist on Monday.
Pink Floyd will save us all, if there is any saving of us.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Things that Annoy Me

Dried out cheese
Handicapped people
Poor bathroom layout
Crappy movie uploads on the interwebs
People who get mad at people who talk in theatres
The general public
Romantic comedys
Loud breathers
Squeaky toys
Endangered species
Not having the proper tool(s) for any given task
Things that don't work/are broken
Jennifer Anniston
Things that I want but can't reach
Signal transduction pathways
The sound of bread hitting a flat surface
Dog smell
People asking for my money
Graduated licensing
Invasive species
Modern art
Any word with the root "create"
The American governmental and electoral systems
George W. Bush
People who pronounce 'niche', 'conch', or 'vertebrate' incorrectly
Soccer moms
Tone deaf people
Disease-based charities
Wet socks/shoes that leak
Rat buddies
Phone calls at ridiculous times
Canadian Blood Services
Strangers that use terms of endearment
CHRISTMAS (music, decorations, traditions)
Food that looks really good, but contains gross stuff like slugs or mushrooms
Suuuuuper crumbly cookies
Sports section of news programs
Magnetism as a concept
Frikken pandas
Harp music
People who don't know language
Fake tans
People who mock a place of work
People who can't manage money
People think that comedy is equal parts rude and random and that's it
American humour
Close talkers
Getting breathed on
The entire respiratory system

....That's enough for now. I'm going to watch QI.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Hey mom!

My mother asked me if I was "in a depression" the other day. I said "it's a recession" and giggled.

I'm not depressed, mother, I just have other things on my mind and I am unable to deal with you just now. I really am sorry that I was rude to you on Sunday, but please stop 'retaliating' but sulking in your room for days on end. You don't seem victimised, you seem like a 7 year old throwing a tantrum. It is so much quieter when you're not up and about, though, so stay there until you're ready to be pleasant. If I could actually work up the balls, I would loooove to tell you what your pettiness is doing to your family. Have you thought about something other than your emotions in the past 6 months? I hate to break it to you like this but we are all focusing on ourselves too. At least I am. I'm too much like you to give a crap about your stupid feelings. I'm not depressed, but my world revolves around me, not you. It's not perfect, or even right, but I'm gonna fix it somehow eventually and if you're not gonna be a bloody example then you can just piss off.

Oh, and I don't need any more of your stupid leftovers. I don't eat them anyway.

The Wanting Comes in Waves

Mother I can hear your foot fall, now
Soft disturbance in the dead fall, how
It proceeds you like a black smoke pall
Still the wanting comes in waves

And you delivered me from danger, then

Tore my cradle from the reedy glen
Swore save me from the world of men
Still the wanting comes in waves
And I want this night!

How I made you, I wrought you, I pulled you

From moor I labored you, from cancer I cradled you
and now
This is how I am repaid?

Remember when I found you, the miseries had hounded you

And I gave you motion, anointed with lotions
and now
This is how I am repaid?

Mother, hear this proposition, right

Grant me freedom to enjoy this night.
I'll return to you at break of light
For the wanting comes in waves!

And you owe me life!

And if I grant you this favor, to hand you

Your life for the evening, I will retake by morning
And so!
Consider it your debt repaid!

- The Decemberists (slightly revised for coherence

What I love most about this song is the way the musical aspects are so complimentary of the sentiments presented in the lyrics. Magnificent work,

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Apparently everyone knows more about my life than I do. It doesn't help me to know now.

I do feel a bit silly.

Thursday, December 2, 2010


So a grand ol' party tomorrow. Any of you are welcome to come if you can find the place.

I'm starting to feel a little bit twitchy on the idea that I will be surrounded by much noise and between 10 and 20 people that I don't know. Moral support yes please?

It sounded super fun in the planning stages, but now it is moving to scary.
Remain positive!
People are friends, not predators!
I am not a special or unique snowflake!

It will be fun! Thank goodness for "Easy now, Becca" pills.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

The Queen's Rebuke

I'm made of bones of the branches, the boughs, and the brow-beating light
Oh, my feet are the trunks and my head is the canopy high
And my fingers extend to the leaves and the eaves and the bright
Brightest shine, it's my shine

And he was a baby, abandoned entombed in a cradle of clay

And I was the soul that took pity and stole him away
And gave him the form of a fawn to inhabit by day
Brightest day, it's my day

And you have removed this temptation that's troubled my innocent child

To abduct and abuse and to render her rift and defiled
But the river is deep to the banks and the water is wild
But I will fly you to the far side 

-The Decemberists

I like this album (The Hazards of Love). It reminds me of Tommy by The Who in that it is a story, but each song can stand alone. The chick who sings in it is also magnificent. I feel like I just didn't give the album a chance at first because of the circumstances under which it was acquired.

I am twitchy beyond belief from the cup of coffee I drank. I need to do homework but I don't want to do homework.

I want to go to Scotland. Curse my finances. Screw the jorb market.  

Sunday, November 28, 2010

I've just spent a few minutes filling out course evaluations online.
I hate doing these things, and I don't think they read them, so I just entertained myself with anonymous glee.
They always have a "Comments" section, where you're supposed to tell them how to improve the course. I just wrote them some nice unrelated comments. It is very freeing to tell things to a stranger.

Pie is pretty nice.

I was a Grade 4 on the crazy scale today. I rate my crazy like rapids. The rating is based on water (panic) levels, navigability (is there a way out of the issue), and the number of murderous rocks in the vicinity (people to hurt or be hurt).

Systems and protocols are so calming. I love the idea of change, because I am easily bored, but I fear things that are new, unfamiliar, or challenging. The only way I can view change without fearing it is if I idealise the new situation like mad.
Example: Moving to Africa. I will get to live in a tree and walk in the forest for a job. People I like will be accessible, but not so close that I can't be alone a lot. I will have enough responsibility to keep me busy and interested, but not so much that I crack under the pressure. I will get to see amazing natural phenomena. I will help people with my skills in some way, and I will be happy.

If I'm going to get anywhere I need to get a grip on this panicky-ness.

Ooh, also: had a fun dream last night that I was part of the film crew for a reality TV show that was about finding the best boater in Canada and I got attacked by lake sharks and the Greater Bruce Alligator while I was in Lake Erie. The cinematography of the dream was sensational. I may need to slow down on the nature docs.

Friday, November 26, 2010

I suddenly feel that my brain is back from some sort of long holiday. It probably went to Europe for the past few months and just neglected to mention it to me.

Maybe this is because I actually used it today. I didn't feel like I was screaming through a snowstorm any time I wanted information from it.

Sorry if it bothers you when I talk about my brain like it's a different person. It's jsut the best way I have of communicating the sense of disconnection between my knowledge database/central processor and my perceptual/sensational state of being.

I almost felt like I was just one person today. It was nice. It's more difficult to lie to myself when there's only one of me.

Weekend promises to be a happy time! My mother got 3 pounds of bacon for my 'birthday' dinner tomorrow, along with pie. I cannot help but be a happy camper, even if I am also a fairly edgy camper from only having 1 cigarette all week. "Where is the urge to bite me fingernails right off me hand comin from?"

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

This week, a diamond was sold at auction for 46 million USD.
And I thought I was bad for spending ludicrous sums of money on sparklies.

Really it's a bit sad. How much money did the miner get from that stone? How about the person that cut, polished, and mounted it.

Is this rock going to end poverty or AIDS or any sort of conflict? I feel like for that much money it should do more than just look pretty. It should generate rainbows that cure epilepsy.

Anyhoodles. Noodles. I have to go to my therapist again this week and either lie and said I've kept track of my emotions from day to day like she asked, or tell her I didn't and have to explain why.
I hate having to explain myself in any context. Most of the time my decisions are based on weird whims or months of obsessive reasoning. Really a better thing to ask is whether I have a reason for my actions, not what my reason is.

Fun article on ants that farm aphids.
Science is good.

Friday, November 12, 2010

It's rare that I find a problem that I can't ignore so hard that it disappears.

Sometimes though a band aid or a youtube vid or a cookie or several months of wilful denial or therapy won't make things better.

I am now at a point in life where my actions are going to have serious, lasting implications, and most of the decisions I've made since reaching this point have been crap. I kinda think it's too late to pull it together again. Kinda just want to move back in with my parents, work at the factory, settle, become a cat lady. Everything beyond that - careers, Africa, friends, happiness - just seems so impossible. If I won't ever get there, what's the use of putting in any sort of effort?

Sorry to mope. I think I'm caffeine crashing. I felt so good earlier, in the fog, walking home.

What's the point in trying if it won't change the things I've already screwed up?
Why bother?

Fun fact: I will feel fine in the morning. I'm really like a kid on the indoors: my whole world depends on the present. Whatever sensation happens to waft through me colours my perceptions of past, current, and future. Does not take a whole lot to change the sensation, and thus my entire outlook on life.

Music is so frikken pointless. Sure, it might make me feel good, but it doesn't fix anything. It's just another stupid band aid. I need re-constructive surgery and I'm just holding myself together with tape and paper clips. Band aids. Anyone with a chainsaw and a welder and a bit of spare time?

Comfort from Fight Club: I am not a special or unique snowflake. Other people have weird brain crap and caffeine crashes and freak out over stupid things and destroy their lives every day. This is normal.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Sometimes I am appalled at what I think of when left to my own for too long. Allow me to give you a cross-section of my morning thoughts:

''Man, I've got totally no money. And I just bought a latte. I could have used that money for tuition. I wonder how much money I spend on useless stuff every week. I buy about 3 non-necessary food items a week at expensive places, so I spend about $5 each time. Round up by 20%. That's $6 times 3 is $18 per week. That's ridiculous! I could be paying for car insurance with that money! But it's not like I would stop it if I had a car, hah. I would just be more poor. I should quit tutoring. Not financially sensible, really. I wish I could get a job that is just sitting around doing what I normally do. I want to get paid to be alive. Or doing something exciting. Wonder if I can scam my way into a lab job here. That would be annoying too though. I should just sell stuff I find kicking around the university. I spy with my little eye 4 unguarded laptops. Wait, that's stealing. I want to be a pickpocket. It's probably a super difficult skill to cultivate. No one expects it here though. I leave my iPod in my coat pocket. It's probably most difficult to get rid of the stuff. I could just wipe it and sell it on Kijiji. They wouldn't go for over $100, but it would be nice to have the extra cash. How would that work with my tax return? Hold up, that's stealing. Bad. But it would be so easy! Shhhhhhh."

I do need a new job though. I'm working on revising my resumé and hopefully I'll start handing them out next week so I can work through Christmas. Not exactly sure how I'm gonna break this news to my boss or my students. I might keep the one on just because I like him and we are making good progress.

Can money be made writing for a newspaper? Opinion articles could be a really easy thing to get into. dunno dunno.

Friday, November 5, 2010

So therapy is back, woohoo!

This new therapist lady is much more logic based than my previous one. She is all about the going out and getting things fixed, which is commendable, but it also means I will have to actually change. Nyyynnnnngggg.
But that's why for I'm going there, right?

Frustrating thing: whenever I have to talk about my emotions, bedraggled little things that they are, I burst into tears. Experts agree that this is because I am unused to vulnerability. Experts have much expertise.

So we are starting with trying to work through my "social anxiety" first. Get the easy stuff out of the way, right? My homework for the week is to talk and sing to myself. Easy as cereal! The lady also suggested that I join a social anxiety group in the winter semester. I almost giggled at her. The idea is oxymoronic.

I finished The Kiterunner last night. I appreciated some of the periodicity more this time. The first time round it was a nuisance, but now it is a comfort. It's a way of reassuring myself that it is not a true story. It's thematically and psychologically true though. Thank you, Fifth Business.

Shoulda coulda woulda gone to stats today. I played piano instead. It seemed like the thing to do.

Jane Austen has never been an especially brilliant writer to me. I just find her so prosaic. I've loved all of the film adaptations of her novels though. The BBC is a wonderful corporation. I watched Emma the other day. I knew the ending before I watched it, and that sort of ruined it. A story is good if knowing the ending doesn't make it less interesting.

Peace, my friends. I'm going to go watch X-Men and nature docs.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Kyle and I stared dance classes today! So fun! And the instructor is a sexy sexy African. He is my one true love. A match made in heaven.

We're learning a six-count West Coast Swing. I really suck at it, and I constantly try to lead. Kyle feels manly when I let him though, so I will do my best to follow. It's good fun and decent exercise. I just like being out and with people other than myself and Robo-Kitty.

When I got home roomie was sprawled on the bathroom floor in a state of misery. Poor kid is sick again :(
There are some things that even bacon cannot fix.

This week is gonna be kind of relaxing. All I have to do is go to class and tutor childrens and try not to make many poor decisions. Do-able? Let's hope so.

And practice my dance moves! yeyea!

Saturday, October 30, 2010

I've been pretty useless the past two days. I downloaded a game from my childhood. It's called Pharaoh. It's like an Egypt-themed version of Roller Coaster Tycoon or a type of Age of Empires without any wars. Thoroughly addictive. I haven't played Bejeweled in a few days!

I'm thoroughly addicted to smoking now though. I had to steal one from my roomie this evening because I haven't had the money to buy any myself. Smoked the whole thing in under 2 minutes and nearly fell over.

Either there is something wrong in my brain that I am trying to shush up via distractions and nicotine, or the distractions and nicotine are destroying my brain. Only therapy can tell. I start back on the 4th. I really want it to help. The name of the counsellor is Kathy, unfortunately. That does not bode well. Very few Kathys are helpful people. I already know one who is great, but finding 2 good Kathys in my limited acquaintance is statistically improbable.

I did my stats exam this evening. Besides the fact that I spent the entire day and night before the exam focusing on Egypt instead of studying and I left my crib sheet on my kitchen table, it went well.

What am I doing with my life? I'm freaking useless and a spineless psycho bitch. I wouldn't mind so much if any of this made me particularly happy.

I'm probably angsting so much because of my impending lady issues. Does the fact that I'm ragingly hormonal negate all of my present perceptions of the universe?

Going to a party with humans at it tomorrow! I looking forward to it! Need a costume though. Still not sure which scotch I want to bring. Maybe I'll bring both and drink the yummy stuff myself and use the rest to befriend people (because who doesn't want free scotch, right?).

I need to get back to Elmira soon though. It smells so good there this time of year. Need to go see Lynn and Doug and Jemma and try to get my life back onto some sort of track. Without regular exposure to old people I sabotage my own life.

The thing that annoys me most about this blog is how much I talk about myself. Count the number of "I"s in it. Revolting.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Severe book angst attributed partially to The Kite Runner and a little bit to the fact that I've had damp feet since about 3 this afternoon.

I think The Kite Runner is a very good book. I do not like it.

I am spying on people to make myself feel better. The one person I'm spying on is aware of my creeping. He is teaching a chick math. He is very good at communicating. High five, sir.

Christmas is starting!I saw festive things at the mall today and it heightened the angst.

I read Fifth Business this past week and there was a small blurb about how Jesus is a god for youth. I am looking at an old gentleman right now, and I think I know what Davies meant by that. Melancholy is not an ailment of the young.

Replacement mothers are not easily enough accessible here. Rrrrr...

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Goodbye Blue Sky

Did you, did you see the frightened ones?
Did you, did you hear the falling bombs?
Did you ever wonder why we had to run for shelter,
When the promise of a brave new world
Unfurled beneath a clear blue sky?
Did you, did you see the frightened ones?

Did you, did you hear the falling bombs?

The flames are all long gone
But the pain lingers on.
Goodbye, blue sky.
Goodbye, blue sky.


-Pink Floyd

It will be remembrance day soon, which is one of my favourite days. Not in the "hurrah killing people" way, more in the "this day actually means something" way. I appreciate it.

That being said, it is nearly winter. I miss all the leaves on trees. Especially this one tree outside the science complex. It had yellow leaves in the centre and red leaves on the edges, so that it looked like it was being lit up from the inside.

Wind is a spectacular beast, isn't it? Cities don't have the sheer strength of it, but what they lack in gusto (pun totally intended) they make up for with interesting choreography. All the corners and buildings and corners of buildings make lovely wind-shapes and throw leaves around ever so nicely.

Rain is also a good thing. Goodbye, Blue Sky.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

"Sitting on the dock of the bay"
Kinda how I'm feeling right now. I'm sitting on the breezeway floor at my Elmira house. I have my shoes on. I like these shoes. $1 at Bluenotes. Velcro.

I went to a party tonight, at which I was given full bartending duties. Now that I've found my calling in life, it will be much more difficult to continue on my chose path, heh. I just like being referred to as the Goddess of the Spirits. Also, I can do the 30 second customer - Goddess interaction easily. I didn't have to mix and mingle at the party, which was a relief.

I am very happy for replacement mothers. I haven't seen one of mine in almost a month now, and I miss her a lot. This whole license being suspended thing is annoying, to say the least.

I have a lot of homework due tomorrow. I do not feel overly motivated to do it yet. Crap. I'll panic soon.

Africa. Tree. Africa. Tree. Africa. Tree.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Screw you, George Clooney.
Screw your miraculous talent and silvery foxyness and your sincerity.

I cannot abide the fact that Sudan has been in a state of turmoil for years, and people will only notice when Mr Clooney goes there and says that yah, it's bad, we should do something.

Screw you, George Clooney, for your effectiveness. People should love people without your endorsement.

I still think you're a magnificent actor. Maybe that's why you can tell us what to do so well. You've devoted your life to the embodiment of other characters. You're sitting there, the incarnation of gravity and commitment and compassion and dignity, and telling us that something must be done to help the oppressed in Sudan. What greater compulsion could there be?

I suppose it makes sense, our culture being so aesthetically and emotionally motivated. But I won't recant. I do not enjoy being tricked, because I know it's a trick and I know I'll fall for it every time.

Screw you.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Need to go back to Guelph and get some scotch in me.
Combination of mother and cold destroying my will to live.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010


I need to get up for my classes more often. Apparently all the cute, nerdy boys roam the streets between 751 and 815. Good to know.

Tutoring was an interesting endeavour last night. My student's mother, the student, and I all had a conference to decide what to do about the kid's recent attendance. Mother was kind of freaking out and kid was non-committal about improvement. So I spent an hour just setting up a plan for what we can do to get back on top of the semester (kid has missed basically all classes in the past 3 weeks). To be honest I'm not overly concerned about catching up. Kid is tolerably bright, just unmotivated. When we asked the mother to have another quick chat at the end of our session and explained what we planned to do, she was almost crying. Because she was proud or something. I guess she's been worried about her kid not graduating for a while now.

How is my stats class this stacked full of nerds? They're everywhere! You just want to ruffle their hair and saw "Awwwww, look at you flipping through your notes and typing things into your calculator!"

I had to get up for class this morning because I told my student to go to class. It is unhealthy to tell another person to do something and not do it yourself. And I'm all about the health over here.

Monday, October 4, 2010


I just had half of one. If I have a whole cigarette at once I am unable to walk.
Nifty conversion chart: 1 cigarette = 8 scotch

It's kind of lovely that I don't mind living in a city right now. I don't mind that I have lost my wallet. I don't mind that my rent cheque for the month bounced because I am not clever enough to get my visa billing sorted right.
Money, the city, and me. All very temporary things. Like smoke. Diffusing away to insignificance.

I am completely useless right now, and for the next 20 mins probably. I will sit on the couch and stare at nothing and pet Robo-Kitty and wait until my ability to give a crap returns.

This habit would destroy my productivity if I were going to keep it up. Fortunately, that was my last one. I have 4 Djarum Black cigarettes up for grabs. Maybe I will keep them here for visitors.

Diffusion, mmmmm...

Saturday, October 2, 2010

By the sea, Mr. T...

I hope you all realize that 'Mr. T' is not in reference to the man with the mohawk. It is from Sweeney Todd.

By the sea, Mr Todd, that's the life I covet
You and me, Mr. T,
Oh I know you'd love it.

This song is perhaps the saddest bit of the film for me. Mrs. Lovett is a beautiful creation; you rarely find a character with that much depth in a musical. Stephen Sondheim was a marvellous man, and Tim Burton is spot on with his interpretation of her.
She wanted more out of life. She needs somebody to love. Poor dear.
If this Africa thing doesn't work out for me (which it better), I'm moving to Percé and writing cash fiction and walking in the mountains and sailing and riding my horse until I die. Wouldn't it be loverly?

In other news, Brooks was here. *Sigh*

I want a pet wHale. Crap. Cannot focus on work when wanting wHale this much.

Friday, October 1, 2010


Having tar in your lungs can do extraordinary things to your brain.

I have taken up smoking for the week, or until I finish the cigarettes that are sitting on my fridge (I think there are 6).

I had 2 this evening, and even though I'm doing it wrong, according to local experts, they were nice. I like being outdoors and chatting and watching the smoke curl away into the darkness and I like the sudden rush of calm that accompanies a long, burning inhalation. I like the taste that these leave on my mouth (cloves, cinnamon, delicious).

I do not like how shaky my hands feel right now. To be expected from one's first nicotine, I'm told.

Every time I close my eyes all I can imagine is curls of smoke streaming out from my eyes, my nose, my lips. Just all of me smoking away into the black, and one day I will be entirely burnt up and gone.

I can't exhale enough to get all the smoke out of me.
It is there forever.
I am sorry.

As thoroughly awesome as the calm is, I don't think I'll buy another pack.
I like my sense of taste
And my hands smelling like soap and dead sharks
And my voice
And my father trusting me
*Savouring calm feeling before it is replaced with shame and I need to resort to cocaine*

It is good for now.

Mmmm, cloves.
I'm starting smoking in about... 1.5 hours!
I was gonna wait another decade with that but may as well start early on the dying thing, eh?

I am sitting with the Beatles and a nice-ish red wine (Good full flavour, but very dry finish) waiting for my smoking buddy to get to Jam Haus from Elmira.

My life is in a stage of transition right now. It is unclear to me where I'm gonna end up. When I remember to take the anti-stress stuff, it's exciting. When I forget, it's destructively worrisome. What should I learn from this?

I never thought I would end up as the smoking, drinking, skanking sort. It's so peacefully distracting from the universe, though. Who cares about the meaning of life, the universe, and everything when there's good music and good scotch to be had?

I'm turning into a live-for-the-moment kind of person.

I didn't take the un-stressing stuff this morning, so that fact is scaring me. What if I can never regain sight of any sort of purpose or meaning? What if I stop believing in God? What if I can't pull it together, ever, and I waste the only life I get on Facebook and crap jobs so that I can just buy things?

*Snap*! More wine! Cigarettes! Bach's 'Little' Fugue in g minor!

Goal for some time in the next year: see the aurora borealis.

Sunday, September 26, 2010


Wasn't so bad.
I do love cousins. They make weddings a decent occasion. My uncle was nice enough to drive me back to Elmira tonight so that I can have a lovely sleep by myself in the Elmira house and a nice day with people tomorrow before I'm back to school for the horrible week.

I wish I could introduce more people to my uncle. He's a skinnier, taller, dance-y-er version of my father.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

listening to music in public

I really enjoy it, now that I have iPod

Makes for some awkwardness.
How do people repress dancing impulses? Bob Sinclair crops up on the shuffle and I need to dance NOW! Of course the only moves are the mashed potato and the mime (compliments of the wee sister) but I like to move it move it anyway.

I miss listening to musics in the van while driving places. I like to sing along at the top of my lungs. Even if I can't melodize I am happy.

I'm really avoiding thinking about the wedding this weekend. Why would he...? Not gonna even try to sort that out. The fortunate thing is that She likes me and trusts me, so I will be permitted and encouraged to visit when they are off and away. Dishonesty has its perks. I do love my brother, so if that means being polite to Her then so be it.

Mmmmm, the Temptations. I haven't gone puddle jumping in a while. I'm always burdened with electronics when I'm outdoors, so I get annoyed at rain. This pattern is unhealthy. Less electronics! After this weekend, because I will need them to distract me from the fact that I'm stuck in a wee hotel room with my fambly.

Funny thing: enjoy individual family members with only 2 exceptions. 71.4% of my family is enjoyable. But the crowd of them all together destroys me. It may be just human overload. Either way, I am not going to be home for Christmas this year. My mother may rant, and my father may guilt, and my sister may whine, but I will not do it. If I need to tell them I'm going to Africa and then actually just stay in Guelph then so be it.

Linkin Park will always be one of my guilty pleasures. And Greenday. Reminds me of my childhood, when I didn't have such severe repression issues.
"Just blue like him, inside and outside"

Need to kick parents out of Elmira house for a while this winter and have mad dance party with wee sister.

Oh and I'm gonna be having dancing lessons with my Pauvre starting in November! Mad fun stuff!!

I bought nice shoes for wedding this week. I haves no money left. I do have my brother's credit card that has a 12000$ limit...
There are a few people in the world that I cannot screw over. As attractive as it is to know their PINs and passwords and banking info, I can't do it. The guilt would actually kill me. Ben is one of those. My father is another. If my mother gave me her credit card I would buy myself food and books for school. The problem with my father is that he is attached to my mother.

I need to go back to therapy and get this mother crap off my mind. It's becoming unhealthy, how much anger is generated by her. Also I like my therapist.
Maybe I just need to go visit Lynn and Doug at the barn. And hug a kitty and a horse and be done with it.

Bubble wrap. I want bubble wrap.

"Won't you take me to a funky town?" Yes Pseudo Echo, I will. Anything for you, my groovy early 90's friends!

Lab time! I get to stick probes into inappropriate animal orifaces. Prepared to be violated, fishie me love!

Sunday, September 19, 2010



Mine has spent the last 3-4 days locked in the guest room, brooding and watching films.

Akira (my niece) asked me today where my mother was. I said she's sleeping. Then she asked me where her mother was.

Turns out you can't explain to a two-year-old that their mother is too bipolar and paranoid to want to be near her. You can't say that her mother might disappear and not ever come back.

I said that I didn't know.

I need to take up cursing and smoking and brawling and assorted drugs. Maybe I will not be so angry then.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


In class just now.
My prof is kinda annoying. This class progresses too slowly. I hate the introuctory classes. Those first 2 lectures where you talk about why the course is important and the history of the science.

We are reviewing the probability of being a male AND dying...

(After class now)
Dear readers: we have a problem.

I like statistics. What did we learn today? That being a guy sucks! On the Titanic (still discussing that example), the probability of being a male and dying was 79%, while the probability of being a female and dying was 27%. Hermaphrodites were not mentioned...
We made pretty Venn Diagrams!
Also, being a child was no great advantage. Suckers.

This is truly problematic. The courses have enjoyed so far in uni have been physics and statistics. What can this mean? I was never meant to know these things! I'm an arts student at heart, with a computer-y brain (did I mention I'm now addicted to CSS code? It's sexy), and ambitions in biology.
What should I doooooo?

I shall continue to pursue my chosen course until I am hit with some metaphorical bricks.
There we go.
In the mean time, statistics notation is glorious. Lots of brackets and primes and so on that ACTUALLY MAKE SENSE BAHAHA.

I am sorry for those who don't share my excitement. I am empowered and caffeinated and I saw a cute boy wearing a Pink Floyd shirt in class.

Aaaaahhhhhhh Pink Floyd. Song of the day: Fearless

You say the hill's too steep to climb
Climb it.
You say you'd like to see me try

You pick the place and I'll choose the time
And I'll climb
That hill in my own way.
Just wait a while for the right day.
And as I rise above the tree lines and the clouds
I look down, hearing the sound of the things you've said today.

Fearlessly the idiot faced the crowd
Merciless the magistrate turns 'round

And who's the fool who wears the crown?
And go down,
in your own way
And every day is the right day
And as you rise above the fear-lines in his brow
You look down, hearing the sound of the faces in the crowd.

*Insert magical guitar playing*

Is life good? Or difficult? Or confusing? Or exciting? Or useless?

All of it. Delicious.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Call me paranoid but...

I think the guy at the table across from me in the library is watching me covertly. So I'm watching him covertly back.

I think my family is going to explode soon. So I'm hiding in Guelph and keeping up contact with my little sister.

I think I'm never going to get where I want to be in life. So I'm lowering my standards accordingly.

I think some people I respect are disappointed in me. So I'm convincing myself they have no right to decide what is best for me.

Yah, probably paranoid.
Quick! Lie to myself and ignore the implications via youtube!

Friday, September 10, 2010

Some days my father actually restores in me a sense of appreciation for my family.

I came home from Guelph and my dad was sitting on the couch. We talked about the retarded stuff going on with my brother's fianceé and his children and the topic moved to the fact that everyone likes to think that they are a nice, reasonable human and that everyone else is clueless.

He's been having trouble with a person he's interacting with through his business. The guy called him an idiot behind his back and cost him somewhere between 7000 and 25000 dollars. This guy is apparently just spiteful and wants to cause trouble. So my father, being a rational, modern business professional, wants to fight him. *Sigh*. As much as I think it would be a good thing for this other human to get beat down, it was necessary to talk dad out of it.

Then we listened to Pink Floyd on Youtube. Funnily enough, my mother likes them. She thinks they were 'ahead of their time', not just madly drugged up. Anyway, it is good to notice that my parents can recognize good musics, even if they choose not to listen to it.

My older sister called on Skype then. She's out in Calgary on her 'honeymoon'. She's looking for a job, with no luck yet, so she stays in their apartment all day by herself while her husband is at school. My dad's analysis of the situation? "You're a sex slave, Omi! BAHAHAHA...."

I gave him a high five and am now pleased to be his descendant.

*Edited to add*: My dad is now reading the wikipedia on Pink Floyd. Ain't life grand.
Also, I'm quitting lying. If you catch me, smack me, and expose my falsehood to those I fed it to.
It's really the only way I learn: painfully.

Reason for this: don't bloody ask.

Frekken family and paranoia and the law.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

First day, First class

Developmental Biology.
"This course deals with the development of animals. It considers how a single fertilized egg gives rise to hundreds of different cell types, how these differentiated cells are organized into tissues and organs, how the growth of cells is regulated, and how an adult transmits the instructions for making an organism from one generation to the next."

Sounds like a frekken ball. I am grumpy from having less sleep than I wanted. I feel like a six year old that is being told to do something it doesn't like. Don't WANNA!

I am glad I got here early. Looks like it's gonna be a super full class. Imay even need to sit next to people :P

Professor has an impressive beard. I should ask him where he got it.

Imma pay attention now...

So I actually ended up not paying attention. It's ok though. He just went through the course outline and told us what we would be learning in each lecture. So I half paid attention and giggled every time he said 'gonads' and listened to Pink Floyd.

I can't decide which album I like most of theirs. I think it's either Wish You Were Here or Piper at the Gates of Dawn. Like them in completely ifferent ways, of course, but they are both terrific.
Goal of the week: listen to all the Pink Floyd on my iPod. aka: entire discography. Hurrah! If I speak with a dorky accent for the rest of my life you can blame this.

So I'm actually kinda glad to be back in Guelph. I get to see my Robo-Kitty and cook supper without the interference of childrens. My Elmira house/family is so screwy right now that it's difficult to be there. I want my own vehicle so that I can visit my assorted associates in Waterloo region without needing to see my family.

Now then, I'm going to go to class, focus on school and the things that make me happy. Enough of this middle class whiney-ness.

Things that make me happy (A Revised list)

Specific humans (if I talk to you, you are likely included in that term)
Classic rock
Alone time
Foods that are not vegetables
Apple electronics (Do not whine at me. I will hurt you. They are pretty and I can accomplish anything I wish to efficiently)
Graph paper + sharpie pens
Jack Johnson

I think that's a decent list for now. If I ever get annoyingly depressed, refer me back to this list and tell me to grow up.

Off to Aquatics class! Less like aquafit, more like fishes.

Sunday, September 5, 2010


This is the 400th post in this blog.

I just browsed back to the oldest ones and am ashamed to note that the spelling is less than perfect. And I had so much pride in that :(

Something I'm realizing more and more that the prouder you are of something, the more likely you are to wreck it. Sunday school should have taught me to expect this in some way. Pride going before a fall and all that.

Is it sad that I'm finally learning why all the lessons they taught me at ages 4-10 are actually true? I've always known the right answers to questions like "Who is Jesus?" and "Should you do drugs?" and so on. In grade 5 my sunday school teacher hosted a quiz: me against the rest of the class. I won, and I was very proud of it. It turns out now that I entirely fail at following the rules I know. Even things that are not rules, but encouragements are getting me down: "since we have a Great High Priest who rules over God's people, let us go right into the presence of God, fully trusting him."
But that's not how life works! Stop being so bloody nice! Cannot deal with this sort of forgiveness.

You can live 10 years longer and not get a day wiser, better, older.

Friday, September 3, 2010



Definitely drank way too much last night. Throwing up, patchy memory, lack of balance, (lack of disgression), so forth. Let's just go ahead and say that's not happening again. Children, remember to EAT before consuming alcohol.

Fortunately, I had the best people in the world making sure I didn't get hung over or pregnant.

Tummy is still a little pissy about the whole situation. Tea!

And, on the insistence of several respected humans, I will take a shower.

My brother drove me back to Guelph today. He took a very scenic route, heh. But I do not resent driving through the countryside. How am I going to leave Ontario? I do love this nature.

I'm taking the week off from bad decisions. If anyone is interested in hanging out, minus any liquor or felony, I would welcome it.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

All it is

So, you're feeling old today
You're ancient now, you say
Oh oh, well, 25 is not exactly dying age

Still, you'd like to be alone
To spend your time at home
Catching up on all those things
You've missed since you've been gone

Well, we all know where this leads
A day turns into three
Soon we haven't seen you around
For weeks and weeks on end

So, you're feeling slow today
Like nothing that you say
Comes out right
'Cause you've been saying things
You don't mean all day long

Still, you'd like to be alone
To spend your time at home
The steel wares and the bears will keep you company
When you are gone
And this is all, and this is all it is
And this is all, and this is all it is

-Kathryn Calder

Monday, August 30, 2010

"And it rips my life away but it's a great escape."
"Godspeed Mother Nature. Never really wanted to say goodbye."
"Sweet confusion will be my only child."
"Cold lines connect my hot eyes to my jawline."
"Smiles awake you when you rise."
"In peace I will lie down and sleep,"

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Being angry makes me less sad.

Getting money makes me less angry.

In these ways it is good I worked last night. Apparently I get better tips when I'm sassy. I think I will use this information to my advantage.

It's my last shift at Tim Hoes tonight. I am relieved, but resenting the 9 hours I must spend in that place and the fact that a good friend will be in Guelph and partying without me.

There was a man on the bus last night who infuriated me. He was only talking to the woman so that she would know stuff about him. Not listening, waiting for his turn to talk.
The urge to walk up to him and tell him that he bothered me was barely suppress-able.

Question: If a stranger walked up to you and said that they didn't like you, would you care at all?
I would be sad, but it would in no way surprise me. I have been know to go out of my way to be less like-able.

Friday, August 27, 2010

I watched Leaves of Grass today, in my endeavour to watch every film the Edward Norton has done.

Once again, he was spectacular, and he played two characters. Double spectacular.

The film was about a bunch of drug dealing hicks. It made me sad.

I will now go to work. I am sad.

I also watched The Knight's Tale again. What was best about Heath Ledger was his hands. He had lovely hands.

I am not creepy. I am sad.

*Edited to add* an existential crisis. I am a carbon based structure that is slowly evapourating. So is Robo-Kitty. He is truly enviable in that he is unaware of his return to entropy. Ignorance must be blissful, because awareness is a bit crap really. I think I am in love with my cat.

I am sad in a whole new way!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010


I am critter-sitting for my friend Amie today. She is gone to visit her great-grandmother in Niagara Falls.

I like this farm very much. Other than the fact that my lovely new socks are matted with cat hair, it is a good place to be.

I was pretending to be grass earlier. Highly therapeutic. Having roots would feel nice. Always connected to the earth, always deep in the dark, cool dirt. Photosynthesizing would be terrific. Absorb light -> Have energy! I want thylakoids.


And then I went for a walk and climbed a tree and spied on Amie's horses. They are pretty beasties.

The middle class is a difficult place to live and to leave.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

I think the stalkers in the world deserve some credit. It's not easy finding out everything about a person without ever introducing yourself and engaging in conversation and remaining entirely on the friendly side of the law. Not easy at all.

I had a long hard think today (while I was supposed to be working out other things) on telling the truth. It's something I generally have trouble with, and one of the few things that I'm honest about is how much I lie. I am aware and vocal about the fact that I misrepresent myself and that I find joy in misleading people in almost any fashion.
It has always interfered with certain aspects of my life, not the least of which would be my sanity, my relationships, and my religious 'convictions'.

I am aware that it is a problem I need to deal with. It is just very difficult to convince myself to stop when so many people seem to be enjoying the lovely mythologies.

I will have another solid think (Winnie-the-Pooh style!) over this later this week. Maybe I will reach some momentous conclusions.

Meanwhile, I will stage an inquisition into why my school is saying I didn't give them money when I most certainly did.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Thursday, August 19, 2010


I've just thought of this now.

I watched Blood Diamond again the other day. The film usually causes me to mope for a minimum of 12 hours, and make some sort of guilt-induced change to my life. I always appreciated that about the movie and myself. It's an indication that I am (medically speaking) human, right?

This time none of that happened. Movie was over, went right on with conversations about bacon and horses and didn't mind at all that there are over 200,000 child soldiers in Africa.

I've gotten used to it.

One more fraction of the tenuous emotional connection I have to humanity has been sent to cryo for processing...

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

I enjoy people watching in Williams.
I like seeing people being honest with each other. This is an honest place. Sincerity is a wonderful, strange thing to see on someone's face.
I'm actually here to study for my biochem exam on Friday, if you must know. I don't generally just hang around and creep strangers in coffee shops.

Actually, I do, but I like to have others with me when creeping is my primary purpose.

I'm looking forward to autumn. Fall is the best season. Prime temperatures, you're still excited about school, all the lovely rain and leaves are around, and you feel a year older. I always subconsciously level up my age on the day of the first frost.

School this semester is going to be ok I think. I'm going to be in Statistics, Vertebrate Structure and Function, Developmental Biology, Introduction to Aquatic Environments, and Nutrition.

3/5 of those are actually of interest to me, and only 1/5 is going to cause me severe existentialism and panicky-ness.

I am happy there will be my people in Guelph again. There are specific ones whose absence I will feel, though. Why I has no transportation device? Want bus service to KW from Guelph. Sigh.

Back to biochemistry. An oddly entrancing science. Biology is really just applied chemistry, which is applied physics, which is applied math.
If only the universe were that simple.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Morality is Problematic

At what point did humans learn to tell the difference between should do and want to?

Mark Twain said that people don't do what they believe is right. They just do whatever they want and apologize later.

I think people (or 'normal ones') have an innate sense of right/wrong/justice. They just choose to ignore it whenever it conflicts with what they believe is 'right'.

In the attempt to be abnormal, I have effectively barred myself from ever getting certain things I want. This makes me a bit unhappy.
How do I change what I want to what I should want so that I can be (as all good things are) conflict free?

I know how to change these things, of course. I'm a thoroughly lazy person, and self-improvement is generally not high on my list of things to get done.

Conclusion: I won't stop following the rules just because they impede my happiness. I'll just be underlyingly angsty until I get it sorted. I will get it sorted someday, I think. There are methods.

*Edited to add*: Quote previously attributed to Mark Twain was actually from Bob Dylan. Apologies. He was a dirty old man anyway.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Driving back to Guelph in the Sunshine

Just made me sad. Is there something wrong with my brain?
Sunshine = happy, right?
Apparently not.

But it made sense at the time.
You know the top end of Reid Woods road, between Northfield and Arthur St., where it is all surrounded by trees and fields and wonderful Southern Ontario-ness?
I love that place.

I don't know if I will ever accumulate the same feeling of being at home and in tune with a place like I have with Elmira. I suppose that makes me scared to really leave it.
Being out there in the sunshine and trees and fields and road made me miss it. I know I want to move to Africa and be amazing, but will I be at home there? Will I love the earth itself there?

Also, screw you doctor with your medication. I have been having wild emotional spazz outs all day. I blame the pills entirely. And sad movies.

Also, I must go to work and smile at people all night. I dislike fake smiles.
Do you think they would let me go home if I burst into tears for something ridiculous?
yay road trips!
boo broken, whistly windows and decisions
yay sleep!

Saturday, August 14, 2010


It's all gonna be worth it because someday I will have money that is not from my daddy and I can live in tree of my very own with a cat but not Robo-Kitty he will be dead then but the cat I have will be awesome as well because it will be worth a lot of money and people will look up in the tree where I live and see the expensive cat and think that I am important and worthwhile and then I will be able to say to them that they are wrong and stupid and they will laugh and say that I am right and cool and then they will keep on being wrong and stupid but maybe I won't be right either because I'll be so old.

Hurrah for 2 year old children and the stories they tell.

On with exams

Monday, August 9, 2010

My iTunes is conspiring against me. Keeps playing songs that I can't turn off. Can't do homework during them either.

Suggested song of the day: Airplanes by Local Natives

It sounds like we
would of had a great deal to say
to each other.
I bet when I leave
my body for the sky the wait
will be worth it.

I'm in this terribly morose mood. It led to a full day of napping. It is hard to care about things when I have my brain in this way. Owen Pallett is not helping.

Nothing to do, nothing to do
Living rent-free is boring me
Got no use for my PE Degree
Got no use for my pedigree

I feed you every morning and ask so little
Hedi Slimane
But you belittle all the work that I do

And Agnes B
When you take that walk without permission
I'm not content
I'm not defensive, I'm just saying this cause I love you
I'm not content
You know I hate it when your friends are in the pool
Donna Karan
Old money stinks, send those faggots back to Forest Hill
And Kara Saun
Contentment? What contentment? I am bald and impotent
I'm not content
Is that what it's about? Oh honey, honey, shut your mouth
I'm not content

But I have friends who phone me, so maybe I will swerve out ok.