Saturday, April 28, 2012

In BC!

That's where I am now. Living with my brother and sister-in-law until they leave for Australia. Then I will be on my own out here.

I like it mostly. The mountains are very pretty but too far away. I went to see Fiddler on the Roof last night with my Aunt and Uncle and cousins and it was pretty awesome. I like having my cousins around but I just had a demoralizing conversation with the youngest one.

Basically, in her opinion, people who don't end up working in a job on her specialized list (doctor, lawyer, psychiatrist, pilot, etc) are not successful. I tried to figure out whether she valued the money or the accomplishment but she didn't seem to care. Any person working, for example, in a factory or managing a store was not successful. It didn't matter if that person had a happy or fulfilling life; they were not successful. It is just kind of sad to realize that my personal failure in life will be compounded by my family thinking I am a worthless bum. Le sigh.

... And it turns out my sister in law agrees. If I don't get wealth and power to some extent, I am not successful. My personal goals and enjoyments don't count for anything in determining success.

I hate this whole world.

Monday, April 9, 2012

I'm lying on a couch at school trying to finish a group project.

No more real sentences. Just the bumble.


Sunday, March 18, 2012

St. Patrick's day has passed in a blur of green and Bailey's. I had a top-notch time eating pancakes and seeing starfish and lounging on a deck for most of the day. Unfortunately I was so tired by the time the real partying started to do much of anything but I got the chance to be with good people and that is enough for me.

The weather has been so spectacular the last few days! The sunshine is making me all bubbly and unpredictable inside! Smells of spring are seeping out of the ground and ambuscading me. I'm getting all nutty and the likelihood of me ditching my life is increasing.

D&D campaign is starting soon! I'm a human fighter, which will be a new experience for me. I've only ever played a druid because I'm generally more attracted to utility characters than to brawn characters. Maybe this will be a good way to channel my rage away from school and into somewhere it would be appreciated.

I found out this week that my parents took this test for dementia and my dad has what is known as a mild cognitive impairment. It's an early type of dementia and usually gets worse and sometimes develops into Alzheimer's. I'm really not sure how to take this news. It does worry me. My dad is the sticking post of our family and if he's going to lose his brain over the next few years it could mean some pretty dramatic changes. I hope him losing his brain doesn't scare him as much as it scares me.

Going out for sushi! :)

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Oh hey

I was asked specifically to update this. In retribution I will now whine about school till you all go away and leave me alone in my puddle of misery.

I'm not even being dramatic with the "puddle of misery" comparison. That's essentially all I am since the beginning of this semester. Community Ecology is like a joy-poultice: pulling all of that pesky happiness and hope out of me and encouraging the growth of unparalleled rage and sadness. Just thinking about it makes my stomach tie up in a knot of nope. Nope nope nope. I am considering writing a letter to the professors telling them that if I die this semester it is all their fault.

I went to a gym yesterday! For the first time evar! The only kind of exercise-y things I usually do is factory work and rock climbing which keeps me moderately fit but I'd never been to a for realsies gym with treadmills and humans before. It was weird. I thought about prison a lot while I was there and how I should get in shape just in case I need to go to prison when I shiv my Comm Eco professor.

I'm really not a happy kitty any more. Either I'm angry or depressed and I think angry is a bit nicer than depressed and that's why I let so many things get to me. I don't think it bothers me unless I accidentally introspect (which I've been avoiding (thus no bloggies)).

I've also found many lovely new friends in Guelph that are much different from friends I have had in the other times of my life. They are fun and sciencey and largely non-introspective. It is a new experience. They are plenty fun, they just are philosophical honey badgers, if you see what I mean. It makes me a honey badger too.

There you go, I updated so that you can procrastinate an extra 15 minutes on whatever you should be doing. I'm going to listen to people say things I do not care about.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

My pretties

It's been a few weeks. I just have very little to report.
The post frequency on this blog is proportional to the amount of changes in my life. Lately there have not been many new things. I've mentioned new friends, but that has not brought about changes in me. Usually I am quick to adopt characteristics of the people I am with, but that has not happened to the same degree in this scenario. That may be because I already had very much in common with them, or maybe I've grown up a little and don't care so much about fitting in. Either way, it's a new experience.

Christmas has come and gone. I was not so grumpy this year as I have been other years. My brother and his wife visited from BC for the week before the 25th and it was good to be near them again. When I was a child, my brother was the worst thing in my life. He made me cry every single day and pestered me mercilessly. Then, once I hit high school, something changed between us. We started getting along and actually enjoying being around each other. We could hang out and talk about things. We've been good buddies ever since and having him back in town was lovely.

For the past 3 days I've just been sleeping and computering and smoking. Mostly sleeping. Tomorrow I'm going with my sister and parents to Niagara to see the butterfly conservatory and hang about near the falls. Then, in the evening, UFC 141!!! Buahahaha! I love watching huge guys beat the poop out of each other! I am a Lesner fan, personally, but it's gonna be a high-intensity fight. Woooooo!

I'm currently reading Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy, which is (according to reputable sources) one of the beset books ever written. I'm dreading its conclusion. I've read the first 30 chapters (120 pages) and I like the main character, but she's doomed. It's gonna be like Madame Bovary, but with a really nice person getting messed up in the whole thing. Do you know what the downfall is going to be of the heroine? It's the fatal love of receiving admiration. She (Anna) is a good wife, a loving mother, a good and sensible woman. Then one bastardly charmer comes along and falls for her and she does the exact same thing that I would: she falls in love with her power over him and his love for her and falls from grace. It's like the tragedy of Macbeth with less ghosts and whining and more pretty dresses. I am dreading it. These Russian authors have an annoying tendency to write about real humans and the way they work, and I have no choice but to see my own faults in their writing. It's obnoxiously convicting and invigorating.

Enough of the literature nerd. I am off to smoke and read some Sherlock and possibly watch a film.

Oooh, also, I went to see the new Sherlock Holmes with my dear friend last night. It was on the mediocre side of entertaining, but it had Stephen Fry in it and Sherlock has the same pipe as me so I think it was worth the watching.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Science Complex

I like to spend time here. For the past 2 weeks or so I've been at school for 8-12 hours a day. It's a good thing they've put a lot of work into making the Atrium liveable and full of energy drinks.

All of my new friends and I like to sit around drinking Monster drinks and studying and having deep conversations. It's a good time. I'm feeling ok about school in this context. At least I have good people around me while I'm in this miserable hole. Even if I fail a few courses this semester I think it will be my best semester of university yet just for the people I've met. Good things.

It's good to have a common "we" again. After last summer I thought I had forever destroyed any hope of a good pack of hanging out buddies. I guess I'm not as much of a social screw-up as I thought for a long time.

This morning is full of studying but it's ok because I have an energy drink and buddies :)

Tuesday, November 29, 2011


It was my birthday on the 25th!

FOURTEEN people came out to the pub with me! That's an all time record!

It was a fantastic night: hanging out, having a few (eight) drinks, chatting with all sorts of people.

This past year has not been easy, but I realized it's been good. I've changed, as I so often do, and I've made friends! I think that 20 was one of my toughest years so far, but 21 will be easier. It can't really get harder, actually.

Things that happened since last birthday:
- Brother moved to BC
- Many good friendships nearly destroyed
- Few good friendships repaired-ish.
- Made friends at school! (Notes on these people to follow)
- Made friends at church
- Received two proposals of marriage
- Spent 6 months on brain drugs
- Went to Arizona all alonesies
- Set a table on fire
- Michael got married

Things that are still the same:
- Continuing struggle with existential nihilism
- Hope to move to Africa
- Those same guys from high school who have always been around for me and each other
- Scotch is delicious
- School is a soul-sucking abyss of misery
- Lack of emotional availability prevents romantic relationship
- Rubber boots!

The friends I've made at school are mostly from my Integrative Biology of Invertebrates class. They're all way smarter than me which is good because competition might motivate me to do things.

One thing I want to change about myself is my tendency to talk before I think. I've said a lot of really dumb/insensitive/foolish things and it bothers me. Wish to seem smart.