Friday, December 31, 2010

Robo-Kitty is afraid of fruit. Silly little lion man.

[Angsty melodramatic complaints about life]
[Rationalization of poor choices]
[Resolve to change]

[Unrealistically cheery closing comment]

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Dear Jack

Dear old Clive Staples Lewis.

Horrible name, eh? I see from his wikipedia entry that his friends called him Jack, which is a splendid name. Nobody really noticed when he died, because it was the same day Kennedy was assassinated, and Aldous Huxley died also.

He was a treasure, though. I find his writing so calmingly and seductively logical. It's like Morgan Freeman reading me the periodic table as I fall asleep; I am soothed by the order and flow as much as I am by the voice.

I am currently reading "The Problem of Pain". It is only 150 wee pages long, but I am taking a while with it because I don't want to miss anything. I just cannot explain to you the goodness that I feel when I read this. It is good like freezing cold 3% milk, or like swimming in the summer, or like nice red peppers. Spectacularly refreshing.
Apologies if my vehemence is off-putting.

I finally finished Band of Brothers today. 'Twas well done indeed. I am grateful that our generation has not see real war, and will likely never see the kind of fighting that those people did.
On Christmas Eve Day, when I was at the mall, I struck up conversation with a crazy old man selling plants in a booth. Actually, he struck up conversation with me. He was such a sweetie and told me things like he could tell I was a nice person. It made me all shame-y inside, which is healthy. Anyway, he said he had signed up for the war when he was 20 years old, and his cousin had lied to get in at age 17. I didn't ask what he had done in the war because I don't know if that is polite. He went on to say that our generation (me excepted, of course :P ) took a lot of things for granted, like peace, prosperity, and freedom.
I like that old man very much. I feel like I owe it to him to be thankful for what has been given to me. I owe it to him to make something of myself with the opportunities that have been handed to me.
If you ever see an old fellow with the droopiest neck ever selling plants (specifically bonsai) at the mall, talk to him. He is swell.

Christmas was not so bad this year. Less people means less stress means less fights. We had food on the 24th and opened "presents" (my parents do not really believe in gifts so we just get lots of snacks). We told funny stories about poop for a while. It was ok. My wee sister and I hung out for most of my time at home. I truly enjoy that kid's company.

My driving test is on Wednesday morning. Hoo-ra.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

There's something about seeing another person cry that destroys me.
Somehow, I believe that everyone is better equipped to deal with things than I am. If they're upset enough that it breaks out, then the world is well and truly ending.
I can't fix it either, even though I want to very much. Naught I can do.

I watched American History X twice in the past few days. It is magnificent and it is killing me.

There's one scene where the main character is tucking in his little sister and something about his hands kind of stabbed me. He had killed two guys earlier, and then, while he was pulling up the blanket around this kid, I saw how good and comforting his hands looked. How does that much love and that much hate fit inside the same person?

"Everybody has at least two, if not twenty-two, sides to him."

Robertson Davies would cheer me up, if I had him here. Pierre will make me sad again, but a different kind.
Good enough.

Growing up some more.
I have a special gift for hurting my mother's feelings. I don't even have to try.
Just beneath my annoyance at her sensitivity is the knowledge that I am just as sensitive, but I hide it differently.

I'm in the throes of some sort of panicky melt down right now. I am completely unable to work out this situation and my mind is stuck in a rut. I'm repeating the same thing to myself twenty times a day and it's getting old.

Must distract self! Gonna attempt reading, and hopefully Settlers of Catan later. I'll be happy to have school back. If I actually try I won't have to worry about people for at least a few months, and then I will be running away to BC and New York.

Ooooh, kite surfing is super fun! I got dragged across a snowy field on my face!

Now, Pierre, let's see if your weed-filled writings on the Great Depression are any match for me and Dr. Anjelica!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Cue religious ramblings.

Oh dear goodness do I love trees. Trees trees trees!

Also: pool, bar fights, horses, Donald Miller, coffee distributors, and people who are good people.

I had a lovely evening out, and am all whipped up on the inside from caffeine, so I will now watch a film instead of going to sleepies.

Did I mention I went to mass on Thursday evening? It was awesome. It was comforting and calming to be in a beautiful old building. The acoustics alone helped me uncurl a lot. I didn't know what was going on a lot of the time. There is something to be said for people who can be serious about something. I tend to avoid seriousness, because it generally strikes to close to vulnerability for me to enjoy. I like to use humour to explain myself, which leads to poor communication in a lot of situations. Protestants like to make church less serious, which makes it a bit more accessible and less threatening. They focus more on self-expression and interaction. Mass was almost completely silent. No one was there for the other people in the pews. That sounds horrible, but it was really calming. They were there because they believed that they should be, and that the time there was not for other people. The time there was for them to share with God. I am finding that as I am getting further and further into a mudpile of conflicting beliefs, it is a huge relief to be surrounded by people who whole-heartedly believe and trust that this is true and right. In part this is because I find it difficult to believe in anything in the sense that I feel like everything is so unstable that I can never really know what is certain. I've been coming up against that wall with Christian people for a long time. I ask people to explain how they know God is present with them, and they always say something along the lines of feeling or sensing his presence. Unfortunately, that is just not going to happen for me. I am a logic based individual, and if you can't detail a logically constructed argument for why you believe something, how could you be willing to die for it? That's essentially what I can't wrap my head around: many don't have any logical construct behind their beliefs, but they insist that because they feel it, it is true. My darlings, feelings are chemical reactions. They should not be the basis for any decision.
I'm not saying I don't believe in God. All the hours of thought I've poured into that have reinforced the fact that I believe existence depends upon a something, and that something must be logical, and must be good. Beyond that, things get hedgey. I can follow along and find a reasonable amount of logical credibility in the concept of Jesus.
I think where I get hung up is the historical aspect and the Bible thing. If EVERYTHING we know about God is in that book, doesn't that really limit him? Also, how can people be so certain that Genesis is 100% literal and not a myth invented later to explain the way things were? Unfortunately, if the Adam and Eve story is a myth, then the entire Jesus thing falls apart as well.
I am frustrated right now that I don't know. Mass is a comfort because they do know, somehow. I don't even think they're right, but the fact that they think they're right still comforts me. I am happy to know that there is such thing as believing something. Faith is humanly possible.
Imma just keep on truckin in the best way I know how. The good, logical being which the universe depends on will not piss on that.

Friday, December 17, 2010


I woke up this morning at quarter to seven. I hate that when I wake up in the morning I can't generally go back to sleep.

I've been feeling really antsy the past few days, and I dunno why. I'm partiall giddy about being off of school, I know, but I am just jumpy.

So I made cookies! I had to go out and get ingredients first but these are without question the most successful sugar cookies in the history of me baking things.

Robo-Kitty had a vet appointment as well. The vet's office has been calling me like every week for like a month to make me bring him in for his booster. I had to carry the bugger there in a crate because I don't have a cat carrier to put him in and the bus won't take him if he's not in a carrier. It's about a 25 minute walk each way and he's a heavy sucker. 9.5 pounds doesn't sound like a lot, but when it keeps shifting around and is not easily graspable... 
I got him there and the vet checked him out. Everything looked fine. Then the vet took a look at his file and was like "Yeah, he really doesn't need to be vaccinated again. He's fine. You can take him home now." I was pretty happy about that at the moment, because it meant I didn't have to give them money, but after carrying kitty all the way back home and realizing that my arms are officially dead forevers, I got a little upset. Stupid vet office frikken calling me like a dozen times and making me walk out there for NOTHING (except dietary advice)

At least I have a large supply of sugar cookies! And Pierre Berton: my favourite pot-head cat-crazy-Canadian historian! Reading about the causes, circumstances, and ramifications of the Great Depression should cheer me right up!

Monday, December 13, 2010


Had a dream that 
I went home this weekend and all my family was there. Parents, young Sister, Brother from Australia, his kids, Brother and Sister from out West: all my family.
Sister who is married and I were talking, and she told me she was pregnant. I was so excited and happy, and I wanted to tell everyone, but she wouldn't let me because she was annoyed about it. She wanted to work, not have babies. I tried to convince her to be happy but she was stubborn.

I was talking to my friend that had driven me home when my Uncle and cousin from BC walked in. They were very tired. I remember my uncle yawned and I could see the back of his ribcage down his throat, because he was so skinny and so tired. Apparently uncles in dreams don't need internal organs... He looked younger though. My cousin had scars on his face from a fight. I suddenly realized that this was really weird. We hadn't been planning anything family based for the weekend.

I went to find my mother, which was difficult. She was stressed out and running around getting people worked up like she normally does in a high-pressure situation. Anyway, I corralled my little sister and asked her if my Grandma had died. That was the only reason I could figure out for everyone being at my house.. She got mad at me.

When I finally caught my mother I asked her about Grandma as well, and she looked shocked. She said that yes, Grandma had died and the funeral was supposed to be on Sunday. I freaked out, asking her if she thought I was just supposed to figure it out on my own, and why she hadn't told me. She said she just forgot.

I was mad about it, but I went to hang out with my cousins, and we had fun.

Friday, December 10, 2010

50 things EVERYONE should be able to do

Stolen from
I have highlighted the ones I can do in green, and added some thoughts in brackets.

1.  Build a Fire – Fire produces heat and light, two basic necessities for living.  At some point in your life this knowledge may be vital. (Gasoline! Easy!)
2.  Operate a Computer – Fundamental computer knowledge is essential these days.  Please, help those in need.
3.  Use Google Effectively – Google knows everything.  If you’re having trouble finding something with Google, it’s you that needs help. (Google does know everything. I love you, Google.)
4.  Perform CPR and the Heimlich Maneuver – Someday it may be your wife, husband, son or daughter that needs help.
5.  Drive a Manual Transmission Vehicle – There will come a time when you’ll be stuck without this knowledge. (I wanna learn but no one will teach me :( ...)
6.  Do Basic Cooking – If you can’t cook your own steak and eggs, you probably aren’t going to make it. (Grilled cheese, steak, pancakes, bacon, pasta. Set for life.)
7.  Tell a Story that Captivates People’s Attention – If you can’t captivate their attention, you should probably just save your breath.
8.  Win or Avoid a Fistfight – Either way, you win. (I'm a dodger, not a fighter.)
9.  Deliver Bad News – Somebody has got to do it.  Unfortunately, someday that person will be you.
10.  Change a Tire – Because tires have air in them, and things with air in them eventually pop. (My dad taught me on the side of Highway 85 at 6am on a sunday morning)
11.  Handle a Job Interview – I promise, sweating yourself into a nervous panic won’t land you the job.
12.  Manage Time – Not doing so is called wasting time, which is okay sometimes, but not all the time. (Only under pressure.)
13.  Speed Read – Sometimes you just need the basic gist, and you needed it 5 minutes ago. (Books are friends! And food!)
14.  Remember Names – Do you like when someone tries to get your attention by screaming “hey you”? (I am much better at remembering faces)
15.  Relocate Living Spaces – Relocating is always a little tougher than you originally imagined. (Note: the less you have, the less you have to move.)
16.  Travel Light – Bring only the necessities.  It’s the cheaper, easier, smarter thing to do.
17.  Handle the Police – Because jail isn’t fun… and neither is Bubba. (They are large. Do not piss them off)
18.  Give Driving Directions – Nobody likes driving around in circles.  Get this one right the first time. (My years of getting lost everywhere have paid off. I know where everything is)
19.  Perform Basic First Aid – You don’t have to be a doctor, or genius, to properly dress a wound.
20.  Swim – 71% of the Earth’s surface is covered by water.  Learning to swim might be a good idea.
21.  Parallel Park – Parallel parking is a requirement on most standard driver’s license driving tests, yet so many people have no clue how to do it.  How could this be? (It's because most people [women] have no idea where there car starts and ends.)
22.  Recognize Personal Alcohol Limits – Otherwise you may wind up like this charming fellow. (A recent lesson)
23.  Select Good Produce – Rotten fruits and vegetables can be an evil tease and an awful surprise.
24.  Handle a Hammer, Axe or Handsaw – Carpenters are not the only ones who need tools.  Everyone should have a basic understanding of basic hand tools.
25.  Make a Simple Budget – Being in debt is not fun.  A simple budget is the key.
26.  Speak at Least Two Common Languages – Only about 25% of the world’s population speaks English.  It would be nice if you could communicate with at least some of the remaining 75%.
27.  Do Push-Ups and Sit-Ups Properly – Improper push-ups and sit-ups do nothing but hurt your body and waste your time. (Why on earth would I need to do this?)
28.  Give a Compliment – It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give someone, and it’s free.
29.  Negotiate – The better deal is only a question or two away.
30.  Listen Carefully to Others – The more you listen and the less you talk, the more you will learn and the less you will miss.
31.  Recite Basic Geography – If you don’t know where anything is outside of your own little bubble, most people will assume (and they are probably correct) that you don’t know too much at all. (Taiwan is the capital of Asia) 
32.  Paint a Room – The true cost of painting is 90% labor.  For simple painting jobs it makes no sense to pay someone 9 times what it would cost you to do it yourself.
33.  Make a Short, Informative Public Speech – At the next company meeting if your boss asks you to explain what you’ve been working on over the last month, a short, clear, informative response is surely your best bet.  “Duhhh…” will not cut it.
34.  Smile for the Camera – People that absolutely refuse to smile for the camera suck! (I look unfortunate either way)
35.  Flirt Without Looking Ridiculous – There is a fine line between successful flirting and utter disaster.  If you try too hard, you lose.  If you don’t try hard enough, you lose. (If you're me, you lose.)
36. Take Useful Notes – Because useless notes are useless, and not taking notes is a recipe for failure.
37.  Be a Respectful House Guest – Otherwise you will be staying in a lot of hotels over the years. (Do not throw up, do not take all the alcohol, do not poop ANYWHERE. PERIOD.)
38.  Make a Good First Impression – Aristotle once said, “well begun is half done.”
39.  Navigate with a Map and Compass – What happens when the GPS craps out and you’re in the middle of nowhere? (Maps are pretty and useful!)
40.  Sew a Button onto Clothing – It sure is cheaper than buying a new shirt.
41.  Hook Up a Basic Home Theater System – This isn’t rocket science.  Paying someone to do this shows sheer laziness. (Red goes into red, white goes into white. If they're all black, read the frikken labels)
42.  Type – Learning to type could save you days worth of time over the course of your lifetime.
43.  Protect Personal Identity Information – Personal identity theft is not fun unless you are the thief.  Don’t be careless.
44.  Implement Basic Computer Security Best Practices – You don’t have to be a computer science major to understand the fundamentals of creating complex passwords and using firewalls.  Doing so will surely save you a lot of grief someday. (Just buy a Mac. Problem solved)
45.  Detect a Lie – People will lie to you.  It’s a sad fact of life.
46.  End a Date Politely Without Making Promises – There is no excuse for making promises you do not intend to keep.  There is also no reason why you should have to make a decision on the spot about someone you hardly know. (To be fair, I've never needed this skill)
47.  Remove a Stain – Once again, it’s far cheaper than buying a new one. (Industrial strength degreaser. Done.)
48.  Keep a Clean House – A clean house is the foundation for a clean, organized lifestyle.
49.  Hold a Baby – Trust me, injuring a baby is not what you want to do. (Holding the baby is not what I want to do either.)
50.  Jump Start a Car – It sure beats walking or paying for a tow truck. (Unlike some people I know....)

I would like to add that EVERYONE, regardless of their lifestyle or career choices, should be able to formulate and defend an opinion cohesively.
In other news, that Scott Pilgrim movie was better than I expected. Someday Michael Cera might be able to act.
Aaaaanddddentist on Monday.
Pink Floyd will save us all, if there is any saving of us.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Things that Annoy Me

Dried out cheese
Handicapped people
Poor bathroom layout
Crappy movie uploads on the interwebs
People who get mad at people who talk in theatres
The general public
Romantic comedys
Loud breathers
Squeaky toys
Endangered species
Not having the proper tool(s) for any given task
Things that don't work/are broken
Jennifer Anniston
Things that I want but can't reach
Signal transduction pathways
The sound of bread hitting a flat surface
Dog smell
People asking for my money
Graduated licensing
Invasive species
Modern art
Any word with the root "create"
The American governmental and electoral systems
George W. Bush
People who pronounce 'niche', 'conch', or 'vertebrate' incorrectly
Soccer moms
Tone deaf people
Disease-based charities
Wet socks/shoes that leak
Rat buddies
Phone calls at ridiculous times
Canadian Blood Services
Strangers that use terms of endearment
CHRISTMAS (music, decorations, traditions)
Food that looks really good, but contains gross stuff like slugs or mushrooms
Suuuuuper crumbly cookies
Sports section of news programs
Magnetism as a concept
Frikken pandas
Harp music
People who don't know language
Fake tans
People who mock a place of work
People who can't manage money
People think that comedy is equal parts rude and random and that's it
American humour
Close talkers
Getting breathed on
The entire respiratory system

....That's enough for now. I'm going to watch QI.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Hey mom!

My mother asked me if I was "in a depression" the other day. I said "it's a recession" and giggled.

I'm not depressed, mother, I just have other things on my mind and I am unable to deal with you just now. I really am sorry that I was rude to you on Sunday, but please stop 'retaliating' but sulking in your room for days on end. You don't seem victimised, you seem like a 7 year old throwing a tantrum. It is so much quieter when you're not up and about, though, so stay there until you're ready to be pleasant. If I could actually work up the balls, I would loooove to tell you what your pettiness is doing to your family. Have you thought about something other than your emotions in the past 6 months? I hate to break it to you like this but we are all focusing on ourselves too. At least I am. I'm too much like you to give a crap about your stupid feelings. I'm not depressed, but my world revolves around me, not you. It's not perfect, or even right, but I'm gonna fix it somehow eventually and if you're not gonna be a bloody example then you can just piss off.

Oh, and I don't need any more of your stupid leftovers. I don't eat them anyway.

The Wanting Comes in Waves

Mother I can hear your foot fall, now
Soft disturbance in the dead fall, how
It proceeds you like a black smoke pall
Still the wanting comes in waves

And you delivered me from danger, then

Tore my cradle from the reedy glen
Swore save me from the world of men
Still the wanting comes in waves
And I want this night!

How I made you, I wrought you, I pulled you

From moor I labored you, from cancer I cradled you
and now
This is how I am repaid?

Remember when I found you, the miseries had hounded you

And I gave you motion, anointed with lotions
and now
This is how I am repaid?

Mother, hear this proposition, right

Grant me freedom to enjoy this night.
I'll return to you at break of light
For the wanting comes in waves!

And you owe me life!

And if I grant you this favor, to hand you

Your life for the evening, I will retake by morning
And so!
Consider it your debt repaid!

- The Decemberists (slightly revised for coherence

What I love most about this song is the way the musical aspects are so complimentary of the sentiments presented in the lyrics. Magnificent work,

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Apparently everyone knows more about my life than I do. It doesn't help me to know now.

I do feel a bit silly.

Thursday, December 2, 2010


So a grand ol' party tomorrow. Any of you are welcome to come if you can find the place.

I'm starting to feel a little bit twitchy on the idea that I will be surrounded by much noise and between 10 and 20 people that I don't know. Moral support yes please?

It sounded super fun in the planning stages, but now it is moving to scary.
Remain positive!
People are friends, not predators!
I am not a special or unique snowflake!

It will be fun! Thank goodness for "Easy now, Becca" pills.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

The Queen's Rebuke

I'm made of bones of the branches, the boughs, and the brow-beating light
Oh, my feet are the trunks and my head is the canopy high
And my fingers extend to the leaves and the eaves and the bright
Brightest shine, it's my shine

And he was a baby, abandoned entombed in a cradle of clay

And I was the soul that took pity and stole him away
And gave him the form of a fawn to inhabit by day
Brightest day, it's my day

And you have removed this temptation that's troubled my innocent child

To abduct and abuse and to render her rift and defiled
But the river is deep to the banks and the water is wild
But I will fly you to the far side 

-The Decemberists

I like this album (The Hazards of Love). It reminds me of Tommy by The Who in that it is a story, but each song can stand alone. The chick who sings in it is also magnificent. I feel like I just didn't give the album a chance at first because of the circumstances under which it was acquired.

I am twitchy beyond belief from the cup of coffee I drank. I need to do homework but I don't want to do homework.

I want to go to Scotland. Curse my finances. Screw the jorb market.