Monday, March 31, 2008
So today at work, there was an incident of much...interest. Kara was at the window to take a guys $, and happened to notice that his pants were not done up and that in fact he was quite pronouncedly hanging out of them. Nope, no boxer, no nothing. Anyway, it caused a pleasant ruckus from the drab evening, hehe. And it's my favourite Timmy's story from now on.
Today when I got home from school I was really tired, so I went into my room and had a music nap. A music nap is when you turn off your lights and curl up in bed with your iPod on shuffle and juss relax and listen to whatever plays. It is completely mind numbing and relaxing. It did me a lot of good. The first song that came on was "Yesterday" by the Beatles. It made me feel sad.
All my troubles seemed so far away,
Now it looks as though they're here to stay,
Oh, I believe in yesterday..."
That's kinda how I've been feeling lately. Life goes in cycles of up and down, and I'm coming out of an up, and I really am not in the mood for a down. Maybe I am bipolar, hehe.
Anyway, I said before how I've been thinking a lot about religion lately. And it's something I've worked so hard to recreate for myself. My parents have always been religious, and I've always gone to church, but being anti-stereotypical, and in general looking for individuality, I have always been against my parents' religion. Religion always was frustrating for me because of the hypocrisy, and the rules, and the way it made people into conversion fanatics. So for that last few years, I have been disowning religion
But the problem with this whole thing is that I still believe in God. Because of personal experience, I can't help it. It's the same God that my parents believe in and base their religion on, but to me he's entirely different. It's hard to explain, but by ditching church, I feel like I found God, and my approximate purpose in life. In church, everything was always aout emotion, about how you feel, and about having that "God moment" and a whole bunch of...wishy wash sappy stuff.
And my mind went "ick" to that. I'm not an overly emotional person, so as soon as everyone went into their waves of religious emotion, I always just... disconnected. I was never of the same train of people. For me, knowledge and factual understanding about God and the theory and technical stuff had to come first. And even still, I feel more as if I have a mind than a soul, if that makes any sense.
Anyhow, in the long run, I've come to always say I love God, but I don't like religion. Religion is rules, and rules can be broken and wrong and people can screw you over with them. But God is love, and they say that love is the strongest thing ever. And that real love (not true, real) can't be wrong, and will always be kind, faithful, truthful, and ready to forgive and forget. So yah. There is my anti-religious rant. But I will probably write an amendment to it soon, becasue I still don't have all the dit and pieces of my theorem worked out and in place yet.
And in closing:
"Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right
It's all right"
Sunday, March 30, 2008
But the 4 hours in the car on the way home when my father was sleeping and reading the paper left plenty of time for thought. For someone who averages on about 30 TPM (thoughts per minute), 4 hours is a long time. Among long, random, thought trains into LaLa land, I thought about being a kid. Do you remember having a very dim idea of what the world was like? My dad and I sag a few songs that I used to sing a lot, and now that I understand the words, many things have changed. I used to just like the sounds, and I wouldn't have any idea of if or what the sentences meant. Also, I know so much more about people. I was a bratty little kid eh? I once told a girl bluntly that I didn't want to be her friend because I didn't think I would ever see her again. I think I was trying to show off to my friend at the time. Kids are strange because all they really think about in the world is their present, direct experience. Life is good if they're having fun at that specific moment in time. Their emotions are much more flexible, and they go from "Life is aaaa-maZing!" to "life is a bottomless pit of misery" in moments. They lack the capacity to analyze the reasons for their emotions, or to see outside their current state to think "things will get better" or "this is not how life always is". Being a kid is like living in a little box of a world, where there are occasional breaches from the outside world that keep it in touch with reality.
My mind has wandered off again, right in the middle of something that originally had a point.
Ooh, my mom is home. I will continue to think elsewhere.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Anyhow, my day as a whole has been very good. Two amazing days in one week is, I must admit, unusual. I feel very... loved about the whole thing. A cosmic hug?
I had a job interview at Elmira Pet Products today, and I think I got the job. The guy said he would let me know an exact start date and then I can give my 2 weeks notice at Timmy's.
Then I hung out with Colgate and Spacer at Colgate's house, ate supper, whatnot, etc. At 7 we went to the clinic and we were there for an hour and a bit. Porky was there and we all joined up for a Timmy's run and watching most of "V for Vendetta" at Colgate's. Then I came home.
(Side note about names: I feel like if I use their real names, it will ruin my shroud of mystery. Partially joking, but I like it better all the same.)
It sounds like a pretty mediocre day, but getting out with the guys has always been a great stress reliever for me. Just to be able to relax and laugh and joke around. We don't talk about deep stuff when we all hang out in a group, and it's not like we do much of anything interesting. Really, just being able to act like a fool and still be loved is all one needs for a group of friends.
I was supposed to write a speech in french about my pet peeves. I'm going to tell my teacher that I prefer to have the blood sucked from my veins than to do my homework.
This blog is less theoretical than some others have been. I learned while playing Wii today that theory really doesn't matter so much. Reality is really the opposite of theory, and I currently have an obsession with reality.
Reality, validation, and religion have all been very much on my mind lately. I will get to the last one sometime soon, but it's hard for me to collate my thoughts on the matter, because although I don't think it is of itself important, it is closely linked to someone who is. Bah. Goodnight.
Tomorrow promises to be another beautiful day. Not like today though. Chance of snow, and I doubt I'll be able to go to the barn. But I'm going out with my friends, and we're likely to have a good gallumph. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder (copyright I don't know, but not me...)
I have a job interview tomorrow. I'm a little bit nervous, becuase I might not be built enough. I'm applying at a pet food mill, so I would need to lift heavy stuff. I'm ok with anything up to 45 kilos, but after that is a little sketchy, so I hope I'm fine. I just really want to get out of Timmy's. I've become so negative about people as a general race because of it. Example: a guy started cursing at us because the guy in front of him ordered a sandwich in the drive through. This slowed down the line, and he told us we shouldn't let people order sandwiches there. Of course, this is something entirely outside of our control, and it was frustrating, because he was very rude. Kinda of like the danish lady ;)...
Anyhow this new job would pay a lot. Even though I would be the only girl there probably, I would really like it. It's a change.
I've sporadicly keeping a journal since grade 8. It's weird look at the stuff I wrote then. And between then and now. Everything goes in cycles. Like the periodic table. It repeats, but every repetition is different. In grade 8 I was obsessed with boys (especially one...) and now I've become obsessed with love in a different sense. This is why the young understand the old, and the ones in the middle are clueless. Everything has its times, and life is fully of circles. Acutally, not so much circles as spirals. Someday I will post a bit from my journal from a couple years ago. It will be an interesting jaunt into the memory and conciousness and history of myself. Always good to keep an updated psycological profile of myself....
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Ah well, for lack of decent mind-furniture of my own (copyright charlotte bronte), here is a piece of writing from Edna St. Vincent Millay which I like.
"Dirge Without Music"
I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.
So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind:
Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely. Crowned
With lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned.
Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you.
Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust.
A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew,
A formula, a phrase remains, --- but the best is lost.
The answers quick & keen, the honest look, the laughter, the love,
They are gone. They have gone to feed the roses. Elegant and curled
Is the blossom. Fragrant is the blossom. I know. But I do not approve.
More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world.
Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned
One of the best thoughts on death ever translated to comprehensible writing. What I appreciat here is the honesty and the reality of what the writer is feeling. She's angry, she's rebellious, she's intelligent, and she loved and lost. That is reality. Emily Dickinson can snivel on about eternity and white flags all she wants (ref. "forever"), but that's not something I will experience in my current state. It's all theory and speculation. Millay's poem connects with me here and now; it verifies my experiences.
The bits I put in blue are especially... real. Think of someone you love, and what you value in them. You love that they have their own special humour. You love that they have little verbal oddities. You love the stupid way they laugh. You love the way they look at you when what they're saying is a secret or important. You love that they know and love you.
And then they're dead. They go with everyone else into the ground. And all you have left is memories.
My English teacher this past year was a really good guy. I mean, he was a deep person, and he introduced this poem to our class and talked about his dad, who is now dead. He said that when he was younger, his dad always used these sayings. You know, cliches like "A penny saved is a penny earned" and "Bids of a feather flock together". That sort of thing. Now that his father is dead, the thing that most reminds my teacher of him is when he uses one of those silly phrases that his dad used.
I've kinda been thinking about the people I know and what I would most remember them for. Some people have easy markers, and somme people are so undefineable.
I wonder what sort I am.
And I think the reason that Millay is not resigned is that if all life comes to is dirt, then what's the point. There needs to be something more to warrant all this... war, romance, fear, joy, anger, charity. Passion.
Monday, March 24, 2008
It's a lovely morning out. Very sunny and completely still. There's snow frozen to the top side of all the sticks and branches of plants outside, and it looks nice. I want it to go away, and I want summer to be here. This summer I think is gonna be terriffic. I'm gonna be spending a lot of time riding, and getting ready for school in the fall. I love the summer. "Summertime, and the livin' is easy".
I don't have much on my mind to blog about today. It's because I haven't done anything yet. My brain doesn't get deep thoughts until about 9 pm generally. tonight I hafta work, so all my deep thoughts will be wasted as I empty garbages and make coffee. And when I get home I'm generally too tired. With any luck I will work with fun people. Actually, there is a new guy at work that did a nightshift with me on the weekend. At first I really didn't like him, cuz he had a strange sense of humour. But I got used to it, and then we had a substance war (attack with different kinds of substances, see who gets dirtier...he won with strawberry donut filling). It wasn't too bad.
So in light of the fact that I have nothing to do now except for homework, I'm going to make a list of all the things I'm pretty much addicted to, in no specific order
- Chocolate chip cookies
- Fugly Horse of the Day blog
- Shiny things
- Solitaire (not on the computer)
- Chair tipping
- Plant Tycoon
- Scaring people
- Being right
- Good spelling and grammar habits
- Using song lyrics to prove a point
- Making my french teacher angry
I think that's mostly it. A nice healthy collection. Some of them I think are pretty common, like #'s 1, 4, and 10. I'm not sure about the rest. It's a mark of individuality: to know all the things that we inexplicably love. For instance, my mom is addicted to Text Twist, a silly internet game. My little sister is addicted to climbing trees, and is really miserable in the winter. And so forth. That was an interesting little exercise.
So I'm either going to do my homework, or I'm going to procrastinate and watch Youtube videos.
"Responsibility? Not quite yet..."
Thursday, March 20, 2008
- Make lists
- check them twice (kidding, sorry)
- Change colour!
- Change fonts
- Change size
- (it won't let me add a picture, but I tried)
- I don't know what the button I just clicked does. It doesn't show up...
So enough of that. This evening I went to see our highschool drama production. It was very dark, but that's because it's easier to project negative emotions than positive emotions. I felt like the actors got shafted. The directing is obviously amateurm so they made minor fools of themselves. Oh well, it was a fun night out.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the negativity that seems inherent in our society. Dark, quirky, and even evil characters are embraced by box office crowds. Being emo has become mainstream, if not for the statement, then for the fashion. I'm working on a theory about this, and so far it comes to this:
- We all want to be loved
- We all have a side in us that is darker, melancholy, mean, angry, sad, etc. Negative in general
- In movies, characters exhibiting those traits always end up with love of some sort
- Simple case of emulation
Of course, it really is more complex than what we see in the media with characters like Sweeny Todd or Rogue (from X-Men) or whomever may apply. We see it around us too. Emos have a crowd that they mesh with, that they can assimilate with, and people who understand them. Of course, the entire land of jocks and preps I will not generalize on, because I freely admit I have no idea what the heck they think ever. But I think that the time of the fake happiness has ended, the period when smile and "fine" was the answer to "how are you?" is finished. We have moved through a short transition of genuinity into a cycle of what seems to be fake sadness. How, which would bo worse, do you think? On one hand, fake happiness makes those who don't feel happy more sad, as they feel they aren't like anyone else, that this is only happening to them. Contrarily, fake sadness makes it more difficult to figure out who really truly needs counselling. I don't mean to discredit anyone's genuine feelings, of course. But it certainly does seem to me that it's become chic to be tormented, angry, sad, or otherwise angsty. Please, people, think for yourselves, which is more than I can say I do. I simply identify haute couture and contradict it as much as possible. Mindless contradiction is not in any way original, and is almost as bad as conformity.
Pardon my abrupt change in voice or style this post. I stopped about halfway throu and watch an hour of Monty Python sketches, and that' really hard to subdue once its seeped into your mind. Their style, I mean.
I finally finished watching Big Fish! Lovely little mind games, and it made me cry. Not half bad. I really loved their presentation of the Fact vs Truth argument, and while I still believe it should be Fact vs. Perception, the point is that how you view the world is ultimately more important to your own happiness, validation, and character than how the world really, factually is. I think that shtik speaks for itself.
Anyhow, I've eaten a few too many almonds this evening, and I should get a bit of sleep so I don't feel as sick.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
For one, homework. Second, Lord Byron the emo guy. He always says stuff like "My life sucks" or "I can't smile" and it makes me sad and angry cuz he's such a nice person. So I do what I can to make him smile. He'll grow out of this eventually, but while it lasts its poopy.
I hung out in the grade 9 strings class on spare today, as i am occassionally wont to do. My little friend showed up, so I had a decent time harassing him. He's an arrogant person, because he's insecure. He's really talented at music and acting, and I get the impression that he's got a rich family also. Little friend seems to have a compulsion to prove to everyone that he is better than them. I really want him to know that it's okay if you aren't the best at everything. If that is your validation, than you're going to be dissappointed, because sooner or later you will meet someone who is simply better. I feel it's important for a person to be secure in who they are, not because they can measure up well to those beside them, but because they know they are their own person, and no one else can be them. Everyone is worthwhile. I may not be the best viola player the world has ever seen, but no one else has ever named their viola "Crack" and shot people with it. I want Little Friend to find out those things about himself. The things that make him real, deep, and an individual, and not simply better than everyone.
So that's my thoughts on individuality.
And today's word was "quintessence" and brought about some jolly times.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Isn't it funny how easy it is to tell between a mechanical sound and an organic one? And by organic I mean alive, animal, natural, etc. Just like you know the difference between an image and a landscape. I think that there's no possible way to make a recording that truly sounds like being outside. And there's no way to make a movie that's as good as life. I was thinking about this sort of thing today, because I had to write a french essay on what the future will be like. One of the (retarded) criterion was to use the future anterior verb tense. This is when sometime in the future, something will be in the past. Example: I will have handed in my essay by tomorrow night. This is a very scary verb tense. Someday, I will be looking back on university instead of looking forward to it. I will have had jolly times. I will have met and known and missed and forgotten people who I don't even know yet. It just creeps me out to think of what I now think of as a vague and slightly mythical future becoming a vague and probably undramatic past.
On the subject of myth (I did mention it up there...): I was thinking about my English teacher today as I was watching the movie "Big Fish". He had a shtik about the difference between truth and fact, and how a myth can be more true than a history book. That movie really played with the idea. I'm only part done it, because my father interuppted. But it's a strange thought. I've always felt that myth is a part of truth, but so is fact. Myth is the melody and fact is the rythm. You need both to make anything any good. If you focus too much on either one, the total result won't be up to snuff. (Apologies to C.S.Lewis for mildly stealing his metaphor. Read the book Perelandra to catch it in its contextual beauty) I believe there will be future explorations into this. The book Fifth Business deals with it also, but I feel that its conclusion is unsatisfactory.
In other news, I had a nice day at school, with the exception of getting a lot of homework. I could do it, I suppose, but I really like this blogging business. It feels like a more useful passtime to explore my own thoughts and theories than to read about oblique asymtotes or molecular shapes.
Oh, I think I'll begin posting the word of the day here. Today was "commandeer". Funnily enough, the word the other day was "oblique" or "obliquity". It's not a word that one comes accross everyday. But as I was reading Guliver's Travels by Jonathan Swift this afternoon, I came accross a paragraph that used both of those words. I was really excited. Possibly pathetic, that.
I'm going to propose the word "supercilious" for tomorrow's WOTD
Monday, March 17, 2008
Today on the drive home I was listening to a good song. I can't remember what one now. But I was speeding wuite a bit...and I hit a bunny. I feel kinda bad about the poor little guy. I just hope he wasn't in any pain.
And today was a strange day. I had a lot of fun on spare and at orchestra and at work, but a lot of people around me seemed really sad. Mostly for romantic reasons. "Spring: the time of year when a man's mind turns to love"-Great expectations...I think. I don't think I got it quite right. But anyway. The warm weather is making people loopy. And lonely. I guess it's doing the same to me. Mostly I'm glad I don't hafta deal with a boy and committment and relationship stuff, but occassionally (more recently) I really feel like I want a hug from someone who cares about me.
the problem I see mostly about people with boy/girlfriends is that for a lot of people it validates them. they feel worthless or lonely unless they have a special friend. I really want to avoid that. I think that if I can't validate my own existence in myself, and that if my self-worth is dependant on someone else, then I'm not a complete person. I have a logical need to be secure in myself alone before I can take on a relationship like that. If I'm not complete alone, I won't be complete with a boyfriend. So that's my reason. I've got to validate myself.
And I'm scared of committment. But that's another story.
Lord Byron at work was feeling sad today, and made a comment about how he rarely felt happy. It recalled to my mind my years of angstyness. I laugh at them now, but it's a dark laugh. I still recognize the pain that I went through as realy, and I know that it's realy to other people now and that it's real to Lord Byron. Is it wrong of me to laugh? I'm not denying it's existance or power, but I know that it will pass. I still really wish I could tell LB that he's just gotta ride through it, and that yes it hurts, and yah, there will be days when you're lying on your bed and the pain ripping you up inside is worse than the pain of the cuts on your arms. But one day you'll fall asleep with dry eyes. One day you will wake up and smile at your buzzing alarm clock, because you know that it's ok. "One of these mornings, you're gonna rise up singing". I guess what I want to say is that the pain is REAL. Don't ever tell an emo that they're over-reacting. It's not the circumstance so much as it is a feeling of loss, dissappointment, confusion, anger, exhaustion, and pain pain pain. The feelings are real, and they count. But there is hope. Love is real, and happiness is real, and peace will come if you can just hold on. "Keep your hand on that plough. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on."
The thing that makes the sunrise so beautiful is that it must come after the night. How can you appreciate the beauty of the sun unless you truly have been in darkness?
I suppose that's pretty much enough for tonight. I should have done a french project, but I'm hosting somewhat of a rebellion against the ridiculous amounts of homework we've been getting in that class.
I feel more or less at peace now. But there is a feeling of pressure, or worry, or sadness that makes it a tired peace. A calm that would fall in the room of a patient after they're out of a stage of crisis, but far from recovery. Friends feel like it will be okay, that life can get back to normalcy, but their calm is oblique, and a hook on the end of that smooth silk of calm catches and pulls out a "What if this is not the end?"
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Right now my kitchen seems like a very nice place. There is sunlight coming in from the west windows, and it makes psychadellic shadows on the fake plants. The little fake cardnial looks funny, because you can see how dusty it is and what a peculiar angle it's sitting on. It's a lovely day out, except the chilly wind. The feild outside my window is improbably flat and white.
I had a bit of a lazy day so far, because of sleeping off the nightshift. And school starts tomorrow, so I really am trying to enjoy my laziness. I'm glad we didn't do any big trip for this break because 1) I got more $ from working extra and 2) Less family stress. Even the one day trip we took to Niagara was tense.
The best part of this break was hanging out at the barn and playing Super Smash Bros Brawl at Biye's. I lost every game, but it was nice to hang out with the guys. School tomorrow will be fun, because I'll hear about everyone's trips to Jamaica/France/Costa Rica.
Larry ate that stupid cricket. It's a hard knock life eh? The ones that speak out get chomped.
Friday, March 14, 2008
The "c" key on this laptop is having issues, and I do not appreciate it.
What does one do with this blog? I don't think anyone will read this, so it doesn't much matter what I say.
There is a silly cricket in my chameleon (Larry)'s cage that is chirping. My mom told me today that their chirping is the same as when you plink the prongs of a comb. You know how on summer evening there's like a thousand crickets all ruckusing together, and they all culminate into an orchestra, with different tones and pitches popping out here and there? And it really is soothing, with that lovely bright, sharp sound in the smooth, musky evening. But this little cricket...all by himself. It's like hearing just the viola part of a string quartet. It makes no sense, just comb bristles pinging mindlessly away. I wish he had some friends to euphonate with.
I wish it were summer. I love smooth musky evenings, and riding in the passenger seat of the car hanging out of the window as far as I can until all the musk is gone and it's just smooth, cold, iced cap evening. Sweet.
I think that's all I have to say tonight, and I'm so gonna kill that cricket.