tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-88175322492632603262023-11-16T07:01:07.087-05:00Rhapsody in DarkThis is where I put the stuff in my brain that doesn't have another place to go.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger494125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8817532249263260326.post-3572621919507323182012-04-28T14:23:00.000-04:002012-04-28T14:58:34.302-04:00In BC!That's where I am now. Living with my brother and sister-in-law until they leave for Australia. Then I will be on my own out here.<br />
<br />
I like it mostly. The mountains are very pretty but too far away. I went to see Fiddler on the Roof last night with my Aunt and Uncle and cousins and it was pretty awesome. I like having my cousins around but I just had a demoralizing conversation with the youngest one.<br />
<br />
Basically, in her opinion, people who don't end up working in a job on her specialized list (doctor, lawyer, psychiatrist, pilot, etc) are not successful. I tried to figure out whether she valued the money or the accomplishment but she didn't seem to care. Any person working, for example, in a factory or managing a store was not successful. It didn't matter if that person had a happy or fulfilling life; they were not successful. It is just kind of sad to realize that my personal failure in life will be compounded by my family thinking I am a worthless bum. Le sigh.<br />
<br />
... And it turns out my sister in law agrees. If I don't get wealth and power to some extent, I am not successful. My personal goals and enjoyments don't count for anything in determining success.<br />
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I hate this whole world.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8817532249263260326.post-53538950055281989582012-04-09T00:58:00.003-04:002012-04-09T00:58:58.636-04:00I'm lying on a couch at school trying to finish a group project.<br /><br />No more real sentences. Just the bumble.<br /><br />Grug.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8817532249263260326.post-17675872275544736652012-03-18T11:39:00.002-04:002012-03-18T11:51:39.411-04:00St. Patrick's day has passed in a blur of green and Bailey's. I had a top-notch time eating pancakes and seeing starfish and lounging on a deck for most of the day. Unfortunately I was so tired by the time the real partying started to do much of anything but I got the chance to be with good people and that is enough for me.<br /><br />The weather has been so spectacular the last few days! The sunshine is making me all bubbly and unpredictable inside! Smells of spring are seeping out of the ground and ambuscading me. I'm getting all nutty and the likelihood of me ditching my life is increasing.<br /><br />D&D campaign is starting soon! I'm a human fighter, which will be a new experience for me. I've only ever played a druid because I'm generally more attracted to utility characters than to brawn characters. Maybe this will be a good way to channel my rage away from school and into somewhere it would be appreciated.<br /><br />I found out this week that my parents took this test for dementia and my dad has what is known as a mild cognitive impairment. It's an early type of dementia and usually gets worse and sometimes develops into Alzheimer's. I'm really not sure how to take this news. It does worry me. My dad is the sticking post of our family and if he's going to lose his brain over the next few years it could mean some pretty dramatic changes. I hope him losing his brain doesn't scare him as much as it scares me.<br /><br />Going out for sushi! :)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8817532249263260326.post-29560143670024672682012-02-29T17:13:00.002-05:002012-02-29T17:25:47.840-05:00Oh heyI was asked specifically to update this. In retribution I will now whine about school till you all go away and leave me alone in my puddle of misery.<br /><br />I'm not even being dramatic with the "puddle of misery" comparison. That's essentially all I am since the beginning of this semester. Community Ecology is like a joy-poultice: pulling all of that pesky happiness and hope out of me and encouraging the growth of unparalleled rage and sadness. Just thinking about it makes my stomach tie up in a knot of nope. Nope nope nope. I am considering writing a letter to the professors telling them that if I die this semester it is all their fault.<br /><br />I went to a gym yesterday! For the first time evar! The only kind of exercise-y things I usually do is factory work and rock climbing which keeps me moderately fit but I'd never been to a for realsies gym with treadmills and humans before. It was weird. I thought about prison a lot while I was there and how I should get in shape just in case I need to go to prison when I shiv my Comm Eco professor.<br /><br />I'm really not a happy kitty any more. Either I'm angry or depressed and I think angry is a bit nicer than depressed and that's why I let so many things get to me. I don't think it bothers me unless I accidentally introspect (which I've been avoiding (thus no bloggies)).<br /><br />I've also found many lovely new friends in Guelph that are much different from friends I have had in the other times of my life. They are fun and sciencey and largely non-introspective. It is a new experience. They are plenty fun, they just are philosophical honey badgers, if you see what I mean. It makes me a honey badger too.<br /><br />There you go, I updated so that you can procrastinate an extra 15 minutes on whatever you should be doing. I'm going to listen to people say things I do not care about.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8817532249263260326.post-18125864430563157022011-12-29T13:53:00.002-05:002011-12-29T14:12:34.001-05:00My prettiesIt's been a few weeks. I just have very little to report.<br />The post frequency on this blog is proportional to the amount of changes in my life. Lately there have not been many new things. I've mentioned new friends, but that has not brought about changes in me. Usually I am quick to adopt characteristics of the people I am with, but that has not happened to the same degree in this scenario. That may be because I already had very much in common with them, or maybe I've grown up a little and don't care so much about fitting in. Either way, it's a new experience.<br /><br />Christmas has come and gone. I was not so grumpy this year as I have been other years. My brother and his wife visited from BC for the week before the 25th and it was good to be near them again. When I was a child, my brother was the worst thing in my life. He made me cry every single day and pestered me mercilessly. Then, once I hit high school, something changed between us. We started getting along and actually enjoying being around each other. We could hang out and talk about things. We've been good buddies ever since and having him back in town was lovely.<br /><br />For the past 3 days I've just been sleeping and computering and smoking. Mostly sleeping. Tomorrow I'm going with my sister and parents to Niagara to see the butterfly conservatory and hang about near the falls. Then, in the evening, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dCPbKOt5mWk&ob=av3e">UFC 141</a>!!! Buahahaha! I love watching huge guys beat the poop out of each other! I am a Lesner fan, personally, but it's gonna be a high-intensity fight. Woooooo!<br /><br />I'm currently reading Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy, which is (according to reputable sources) one of the beset books ever written. I'm dreading its conclusion. I've read the first 30 chapters (120 pages) and I like the main character, but she's doomed. It's gonna be like Madame Bovary, but with a really nice person getting messed up in the whole thing. Do you know what the downfall is going to be of the heroine? It's the fatal love of receiving admiration. She (Anna) is a good wife, a loving mother, a good and sensible woman. Then one bastardly charmer comes along and falls for her and she does the exact same thing that I would: she falls in love with her power over him and his love for her and falls from grace. It's like the tragedy of Macbeth with less ghosts and whining and more pretty dresses. I am dreading it. These Russian authors have an annoying tendency to write about real humans and the way they work, and I have no choice but to see my own faults in their writing. It's obnoxiously convicting and invigorating.<br /><br />Enough of the literature nerd. I am off to smoke and read some Sherlock and possibly watch a film.<br /><br />Oooh, also, I went to see the new Sherlock Holmes with my dear friend last night. It was on the mediocre side of entertaining, but it had Stephen Fry in it and Sherlock has the same pipe as me so I think it was worth the watching.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8817532249263260326.post-65032889434207004042011-12-07T08:26:00.002-05:002011-12-07T08:34:07.715-05:00Science ComplexI like to spend time here. For the past 2 weeks or so I've been at school for 8-12 hours a day. It's a good thing they've put a lot of work into making the Atrium liveable and full of energy drinks.<br /><br />All of my new friends and I like to sit around drinking Monster drinks and studying and having deep conversations. It's a good time. I'm feeling ok about school in this context. At least I have good people around me while I'm in this miserable hole. Even if I fail a few courses this semester I think it will be my best semester of university yet just for the people I've met. Good things.<br /><br />It's good to have a common "we" again. After last summer I thought I had forever destroyed any hope of a good pack of hanging out buddies. I guess I'm not as much of a social screw-up as I thought for a long time.<br /><br />This morning is full of studying but it's ok because I have an energy drink and buddies :)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8817532249263260326.post-3836014073884219722011-11-29T13:40:00.003-05:002011-12-03T14:23:48.562-05:00Birthday!It was my birthday on the 25th!<br /><br />FOURTEEN people came out to the pub with me! That's an all time record!<br /><br />It was a fantastic night: hanging out, having a few (eight) drinks, chatting with all sorts of people.<br /><br />This past year has not been easy, but I realized it's been good. I've changed, as I so often do, and I've made friends! I think that 20 was one of my toughest years so far, but 21 will be easier. It can't really get harder, actually.<br /><br />Things that happened since last birthday:<br />- Brother moved to BC<br />- Many good friendships nearly destroyed<br />- Few good friendships repaired-ish.<br />- Made friends at school! (Notes on these people to follow)<br />- Made friends at church<br />- Received two proposals of marriage<br />- Spent 6 months on brain drugs<br />- Went to Arizona all alonesies<br />- Set a table on fire<br />- Michael got married<br /><br />Things that are still the same:<br />- Continuing struggle with existential nihilism<br />- Hope to move to Africa<br />- Those same guys from high school who have always been around for me and each other<br />- Scotch is delicious<br />- School is a soul-sucking abyss of misery<br />- Lack of emotional availability prevents romantic relationship<br />- Rubber boots!<br /><br />The friends I've made at school are mostly from my Integrative Biology of Invertebrates class. They're all way smarter than me which is good because competition might motivate me to do things.<br /><br />One thing I want to change about myself is my tendency to talk before I think. I've said a lot of really dumb/insensitive/foolish things and it bothers me. Wish to seem smart.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8817532249263260326.post-85029761505757492442011-11-11T15:41:00.003-05:002011-12-28T15:32:42.317-05:00Remembrance Day<span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-family:georgia;font-size:85%;" ><span style=" color: rgb(51, 51, 51);font-size:14px;" >Dulce et Decorum Est<br /><br />Bent double, like old beggars under sacks,<br />Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,<br />Till on the haunting flares we turned out backs,<br />And towards our distant rest began to trudge.<br />Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots,<br />But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame, all blind;<br />Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots<br />Of gas-shells dropping softly behind.<br /><br />Gas! GAS! Quick, boys!--An ecstasy of fumbling<br />Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time,<br />But someone still was yelling out and stumbling<br />And flound'ring like a man in fire or lime.--<br />Dim through the misty panes and thick green light,<br />As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.<br /><br />In all my dreams before my helpless sight<br />He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.<br /><br />If in some smothering dreams, you too could pace<br />Behind the wagon that we flung him in,<br />And <a id="KonaLink0" class="kLink" style="text-decoration: underline ! important; position: static; font-weight: inherit ! important; font-size: inherit ! important;" href="http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/dulce-et-decorum-est/#"><span style="color: blue !important; font-weight:inherit !important;position:static;font-family:inherit !important;font-size:inherit !important;" ><span class="kLink" style=" font-weight: inherit ! important; position: static;font-size:inherit ! important;" >watch</span></span></a> the white eyes writhing in his face,<br />His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin,<br />If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood<br />Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs<br />Bitter as the cud<br />Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,--<br />My friend, you would not tell with such high zest<br />To children ardent for some desperate glory,<br />The old Lie: Dulce et decorum est<br />Pro patria mori.<br />-Wilfred Owen<br /><br /><br />Do Not Go Gentle<br /><br /></span></span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-family:georgia;font-size:85%;" >Do not go gentle into that good night,<br />Old age should burn and rage at close of day;<br />Rage, rage against the dying of the light. <p>Though wise men at their end know dark is right,<br />Because their words had forked no lightning they<br />Do not go gentle into that good night. </p><p>Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright<br />Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,<br />Rage, rage against the dying of the light. </p><p>Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,<br />And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,<br />Do not go gentle into that good night. </p><p>Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight<br />Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,<br />Rage, rage against the dying of the light. </p></span><p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-family:georgia;" ><span style="font-size:85%;">And you, my father, there on the sad height,<br />Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.<br />Do not go gentle into that good night.<br />Rage, rage against the dying of the light.</span></p><p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-family:georgia;" ><span style="font-size:85%;">-Dylan Thomas</span></p><p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-family:georgia;" ><span style="font-size:85%;"><br /></span></p><p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-family:georgia;" ><span style="font-size:85%;">But now, for the first time, I see you are a man like me. I thought of your hand-grenades, of your bayonet, of your rifle; now I see your wife and your face and our fellowship. Forgive me, comrade. We always see it too late. Why do they never tell us that you are poor devils like us, that your mothers are just as anxious as ours, and that we have the same fear of death, and the same dying and the same agony--Forgive me, comrade; how could you be my enemy?</span></p><p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-family:georgia;" ><span style="font-size:85%;">-Erich Maria Remarque</span></p><p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-family:georgia;" ><span style="font-size:85%;"><br /></span></p><p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-family:georgia;" ><span style="font-size:85%;">Dirge Without Music<br /></span></p><p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-family:georgia;" ><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style=" color: rgb(51, 51, 51);font-size:14px;" >I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.<br />So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, <a id="KonaLink1" class="kLink" style="text-decoration: underline ! important; position: static; font-weight: inherit ! important; font-size: inherit ! important;" href="http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/dirge-without-music/#"><span style="color: blue !important; font-weight:inherit !important;position:static;font-family:inherit !important;font-size:inherit !important;" ><span class="kLink" style=" font-weight: inherit ! important; position: static;font-size:inherit ! important;" >time </span><span class="kLink" style=" font-weight: inherit ! important; position: static;font-size:inherit ! important;" >out </span><span class="kLink" style=" font-weight: inherit ! important; position: static;font-size:inherit ! important;" >of </span><span class="kLink" style=" font-weight: inherit ! important; position: static;font-size:inherit ! important;" >mind</span></span></a>:<br />Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely. Crowned<br />With lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned.<br /><br />Lovers and thinkers, into the <a id="KonaLink2" class="kLink" style="text-decoration: underline ! important; position: static; font-weight: inherit ! important; font-size: inherit ! important;" href="http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/dirge-without-music/#"><span style="color: blue !important; font-weight:inherit !important;position:static;font-family:inherit !important;font-size:inherit !important;" ><span class="kLink" style=" font-weight: inherit ! important; position: static;font-size:inherit ! important;" >earth</span></span></a> with you.<br />Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust.<br />A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew,<br />A formula, a phrase remains,—but the best is lost.<br /><br />The answers quick and keen, the honest look, the laughter, the<br />love,—<br />They are gone. They are gone to feed the roses. Elegant and curled<br />Is the blossom. Fragrant is the blossom. I know. But I do not<br />approve.<br />More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the<br />world.<br /><br />Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave<br />Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;<br />Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.<br />I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.</span></span></p><p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-family:georgia;" ><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style=" color: rgb(51, 51, 51);font-size:14px;" >-Edna St. Vincent Millay<br /></span></span></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8817532249263260326.post-32325624589572227102011-11-08T21:16:00.002-05:002011-11-08T21:30:56.891-05:00Found out today that you need to pass an interview to get food from the food bank. It seems unnecessary.<br /><br />Life's been many an irritating thing recently. School is getting me down, lack of happypills has allowed for the return to my naturally nihilistic state, there are more insects than food in my apartment (less irritating, more ridiculous).<br /><br />Since quitting my jorb I've felt desperately poor and have avoided turning on the heat, eating, smoking, or doing anything other than my homework.<br /><br />Basically my brain is in the sewer-like depths of the "everything sucks forever" thing and the things which I know would cheer me up are no good for me (smoking, burning things, manipulating people by lying to them).<br /><br />I hate trying to put my life on track. I'm not going to say "back" on track because there's no convincing evidence that it has every been going anywhere. If you are remotely interested in what I spend my time thinking about on a nice Tuesday evening at home, go read the Wikipedia article on <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Existentialism">Existentialism</a>, noting especially the bits on Angst and The Absurd.<br /><br />BITS LOL<br /><br />The main disagreement I have with existential philosophy is that I believe on some level that the universe or existence or life or whatever does make sense. There's purpose behind it somewhere. The right answer is the one which assumes the fewest ridiculous things.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8817532249263260326.post-50919326184673999812011-10-23T23:10:00.002-04:002011-10-23T23:13:51.443-04:00Mutant superpowers!It's ridiculous how much of a rush I get from boy attention. It turns me into a cackling, maniacal, goddess-like critter full of a need for worship but disdain for anyone who bends to my will.<br /><br />Nonsense! But it's so simple to acquire and so nifty to have...<br /><br />In other news, I am so far behind in school that I'm considering dropping out and making something of my life. NO BAD SCHOOL FINISHING MUST<br /><br />In other words, grar.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8817532249263260326.post-5881313354504870502011-10-19T10:07:00.002-04:002011-10-19T10:16:24.238-04:00I've been neglecting thisI'm enjoying this morning actually. I've got a midterm to write in about 15 minutes that I am not really prepared for, and I stayed up late and slept in late and I'm on my second coffee.<br /><br />There's a student and his dad sitting at the table next to me talking about plagiarism and current events and stuff. They sound like they get along well and it makes me happy.<br /><br />I did laundry! Only Roomie knows how big an accomplishment this is. I'm lazy and busy, so anything that is not of immediate importance I just can't be bothered to do.<br /><br />Things are piling up. I'm thinking of every deadline I've got coming soon and it makes me wind up inside and get all flustered. Counteraction: learning Aerosmith songs on the guitar! I've got Dream On in a pretty workable state (sans riffs though).<br /><br />Rock climbing tonight! Paper due tomorrow! Doctor's appt tomorrow! Work on Friday! Detroit on Saturday! Work on Sunday! School on Monday! AAAHAHAHA*sob*<br /><br />This is normals!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8817532249263260326.post-53244401420237577482011-09-30T08:59:00.003-04:002011-09-30T09:05:15.443-04:00The Kids are Ultra-Violet<span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Somebodies fucked up kids</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">They're ruining everything</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Tiny effervescent virulent eyes</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Ripped out the sockets in the middle of the night</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">The night</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">The night</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">The night</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">The night</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">The night</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Could have been some kind of chemical reaction</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Could have been the drugs I don't know what it could have been</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Were sick of our skin but in the dark it felt nice</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Were sick of our skin but in the dark it felt nice</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">The night</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">The night</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">The night</span></span><br /><br />- Wintersleep<br /><br />Standing in my driveway last night having a cigarette and an angst attack, this song popped up on my iPod. I shut my eyes and listened as hard as I could, it felt so good in my messy brain.<br /><br />Then my Cargill peeps said they were going out for the one girl's birthday, so I met them at the bar and we all hung about until 2AM.<br /><br />Conclusion: I like to be by myself but I like other people too.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8817532249263260326.post-62652342300880272702011-09-27T08:43:00.003-04:002011-09-27T09:14:47.091-04:00Every time I am in this class I get so irritated that I could slap everyone, and particularly this guy sitting on the far side of the class who is always blathering about what <span style="font-style: italic;">he </span>did in the experiment, blahblahblah. The profs are always trying to herd us towards an expected answer to a question, but never give us decent clues on what they're looking for. It doesn't help that I've never had quite enough sleep.<br /><br />Ooh,one of my profs published something cool! I won't bog you down with the paper, but <a href="http://www.uoguelph.ca/news/2011/09/new_study_chall.html">here's a news article</a> on what he's working on. He's actually my program advisor and boots buddy.<br /><br />I've had a crazy few days with writing papers and visiting with crazy uncle and drinking coffee. I'm reacquainting myself with a state of being that was inaccessible to me while I was on drugs: loopy yet vaguely functional tiredness. I'm kind of enjoying this return to my 'normal' self. Some new friends, who have never seen me like this, may be put off. I am doing my best to be comfortable in myself and confident that some people will probably still think I'm alright even though I'm a little bit weirder than they had originally anticipated.<br /><br />So I will return to the class discussion and attempt to figure out what to poop the silly profs are on about.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8817532249263260326.post-50206745457204682342011-09-19T11:08:00.001-04:002011-09-19T11:08:43.326-04:00Med-less Day 1I don't feel any different. This is good?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8817532249263260326.post-82040308100851031442011-09-18T22:28:00.002-04:002011-09-18T22:31:19.401-04:00Thunderlove<div id="songlyrics"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;"> Give me some loving</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> 'Cause I've been thinking about dying</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> Under heavy snow</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> Give me some shelter</span></span> <span style="font-size:85%;"><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> And make this better</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> Before I get old</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> Give me some sweetness</span></span> <span style="font-size:85%;"><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> And help me beat this with thunderlove</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> That shakes the doubters</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> Who whisper secrets with lightning lungs</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> And I shout timber because I am lumber falling down</span></span><br /><br />- Ohbijou<br /><br />I'm going off my meds now. Expect 4-10 texts a week about wanting to photosynthesize or how much school sucks when you have a cow in your brain.<br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8817532249263260326.post-73781019325381090252011-09-05T20:52:00.002-04:002011-09-05T21:03:57.920-04:00SenseiDefinition: a person who was born before.<div>I found one. </div><div><br /></div><div>This crazy old man I've met and befriended at the hostel has been strangely enlightening to me. He is 61 and homeless. He has $30 in emergency stamps for food until next month. That, a frozen chicken thigh, the clothes he wears, and $3.75 are all he posesses. He's had a crazy life of abuse, turmoil, poverty, education, travelling, drugs, and I can't imagine what else. I have never met someone (other than my own Grandmother) who had so much information locked in his head.</div><div><br /></div><div>It's truly inspiring to see someone at that age who is cheerful in spite of what life has handed him, and who is generous with all he has in spite of how little it is. He offered me half of his chicken and I nearly cried.</div><div><br /></div><div>If, to defeat greed, we all need to end up like this rebel angel (copyright Robertson Davies), this wild, deranged guru, then I support it.</div><div><br /></div><div>Here is to the foretaste of my future, when I will be generous and guiltless. I will be poor and pure.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8817532249263260326.post-79062108324767017342011-08-30T10:00:00.003-04:002011-08-30T14:24:32.057-04:00My Dear Mr. Jack LaytonIt's unbelievable to me that you are indeed gone. I always hoped I'd meet you and tell you how inspiring you've been to me, and now that that is impossible, I will have to tell you in this way how much I appreciate you.<div>When I was growing up in rural Ontario, my parents (and everyone else in the area, in fact) were cynical about politics. They always said that politicians were a bunch of kindergarten kids fighting about who got what and that they never helped much of anything. Being born and raised in this tradition, I began to believe it myself. I thought that it didn't matter who was running the country, because they were in it for their own benefit and not for the benefit of their people.</div><div>About half-way through high school, I began to realize how much the federal government affected the everyday lives of Canadians. Issues like health care, educational funding, northern sovereignty, and economic growth became important to me. With my growing concern came growing frustration; why were the people in charge not representing the wishes of the average Canadian on these issues? Politicians' words in the media were sickeningly noncommittal. I shared the apathy of many young voters. Why vote for any of these robots who dispassionately promised a vaguely cheaper and vaguely better future.</div><div>Then, in 2008, came my political reinvention. Barack Obama's campaign and victory in the United States taught me that a single dedicated person is a great force for good. I believe that Mr. Obama truly loves his country and truly cares about giving each citizen the best future possible.</div><div>I began to look for someone similar in Canada: someone who not only had a platform worth supporting, but who was also human. The humanity of politicians is a widely contested issue. For the purposes of most people, they may as well be androids with the ability to randomly assign laws to places in which they have no involvement.</div><div>'Til there was you.</div><div>There was something captivating about you, something that set you apart from the other kids in parliament. There was, behind all the ghostwriting and soundbites and political branding, a human being. I cannot believe I was misled in this. You believed in what you said. You were a breath of delicious spring air in the stagnant swamp of Canada's political elite.</div><div>Believing in the things you represent is what sets you apart from the robots. Instead of bending your policies to get the most votes, I feel like you simply represent what you think is the best for the country. I find this humanity comforting and overwhelmingly inspiring.</div><div>I can hardly bring myself to think of you in the past tense. Did you know what you meant to this country? You were the one who taught many young Canadians that there is a reason to be involved with their government. You stood for honesty and passion in your political life and work. What more can we ask of one human than to live with honesty and passion? Who can do better than to work tirelessly to bring about what they know is the best thing for themselves, their families, their countrymen, and the world.</div><div>I believe that you could not have done better in your work for this country. To lose you is to lose a lover of this nation, a brother in arms against apathy and chaos, and to lose a human who was of inestimable value to his family and personal friends.</div><div>Mr. Layton, I thank you for what you have taught me about what good can come of one human life. I thank you for your work, for your passion, for your honesty, and for your love of this beautiful country. You have raised up a generation who will carry on the fight for humanity. Because you have done your duty so well, and because you have been so faithful to yourself and to Canada, may you now rest in peace.</div><div>With the greatest respect and sadness;</div><div>A citizen.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8817532249263260326.post-38717716239215810402011-08-24T19:36:00.003-04:002011-08-24T19:51:36.048-04:00Hercules Beetle!For my research project I'm hoping to discover the habits and habitat of the <a href="http://www.uky.edu/Ag/CritterFiles/casefile/insects/beetles/hercules/west3.jpg">Western Hercules Beetle</a> (<span style="font-style: italic;">Dynastes granti</span>), and find something out about their numbers or something. They are just cool.
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<br />We are in the middle of our huge daily thunderstorm. They're nice to have around. It's funny that it rains more here in the desert than it did in Southern Ontario. I'm also realizing that when I get back home it will be fall time and I might have missed some leaf-changing- awesome-times.
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<br />School is a-coming. My thoughts are being scattered today. I have been reading a book by Aldous Huxley entitled "Eyeless in Gaza" which is partly responsible for my broodish disposition. It's just about this man and his little social circle around the beginning of the 20th century and it confuses me. The main charachter is a protagonist, definitely, but all of the philosophical treatises of the author are presented by outlying antagonists. It is confusing on a very personal level.
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<br />I'm confused on a personal level about a great number of things. Who are the good guys? What is freedom? What am I going to do about all the people in all the places? Confusing.
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8817532249263260326.post-56480307383988830782011-08-22T17:11:00.002-04:002011-08-22T17:20:00.571-04:00Research!I'm in Arizona! It's pretty rad here. Hot and sunny with daily downpours.
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<br />The people on my team are a mix of nice and annoying individuals. I really like the prof and her partner. Good humans. I'm not liking that we're spending so much time around bugs, because it turns every night into a nightmare parade of things crawling into my ears. *shiver*.
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<br />I've had a lot of time to myself to think about things as well. The lady I couchsurfed with and I talked a lot about global community and what it looks like in an individual's daily life. I really think that couchsurfing is something I'm going to love being involved with. My latest philosophy (no one can steal something you happily give) is going to get a run for its money on the practical end.
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<br />Deserts are pretty sick. Lots of life in the unexpected places. I love beetles (Coleoptera FTW!).
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<br />"Oh yeah, life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone." I still have the thrill of living. I am not dead yet. I refuse to die while I'm still alive. No matter how old I get, there will be mountains to climb, rocks to poke under, wikipedia articles to read, songs to learn, and offensive jokes about disabled people to make.
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8817532249263260326.post-1749523085403174182011-08-15T04:53:00.003-04:002011-08-15T06:14:30.393-04:00Sitting in a Laz-E-Boy chair surrounded by hot water bottles and cursing whoever decided that the female reproductive system was a good idea. Grah!
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<br />It's been a long time since I've bee up at this hour. It will probably make the rest of my day unbearable.
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<br />I had some thought though.
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<br />Couples depress me. It's not that I dislike hanging out with couples; roomie and her bf are good times and I visit married people regularly and have a whale of a time. Sooner or later, though, I always remember that I am replaceable.
<br />I'm a Fifth Business. To quote Robertson Davies<blockquote>:
<br />"Who are you? Where do you fit into poetry and myth? Do you know who I think you are, Ramsay? I think you are Fifth Business. "You don't know what that is? Well, in opera in a permanent company of the kind we keep up in Europe you must have a prima donna -- always a soprano, always the heroine, often a fool; and a tenor who always plays the lover to her; and then you must have a contralto, who is a rival to the soprano, or a sorceress or something; and a basso, who is the villain or the rival or whatever threatens the tenor.
<br /> "So far, so good. But you cannot make a plot work without another man, and he is usually a baritone, and he is called in the profession Fifth Business, because he is the odd man out, the person who has no opposite of the other sex. And you must have Fifth Business because he is the one who knows the secret of the hero's birth, or comes to the assistance of the heroine when she thinks all is lost, or keeps the hermitess in her cell, or may even be the cause of somebody's death if that is part of the plot. The prima donna and the tenor, the contralto and the basso, get all the best music and do all the spectacular things, but you cannot manage the plot without Fifth Business! It is not spectacular, but it is a good line of work, I can tell you, and those who play it sometimes have a career that outlasts the golden voices. </blockquote><blockquote></blockquote>Sooner or later, with every person I befriend, they will reach a point when they go "Oh yah, Becca! I haven't talked to her in a while! I should check in on her." Then they will give me a text or facebook message asking to meet up for coffee or some such and I will be excited to see them too, though not at all for the same reasons. When we go out we will chat about the person's life and talk about their significant other and I will oooh and aaaahh and giggle in the right spots. Then they will ask me about my life and I will say something along the lines of work carrying on as usual. I will tell entertaining stories about me and whatever friend I recently had taken up and the person will shake their head and laugh and say "Oh Becca, you are so silly/unique/crazy/etc." Then they will go home thinking how nice it was to see that they had grown up and I had not.
<br />I suppose what I mean that people being in couples reminds me that they are growing up and leading adult lives while I am childishly blundering on, attempting to keep my mind in the same time zone as my body and keep my body in a time zone in Africa. My relationships will always be transitory, while my peers will eventually settle down with a partner and their social circle of other couples that they like to have dinner parties and weekend camping trips with. Because I won't get married because I am untrustworthy because I am emotionally stunted I'm not going to the have the luxury of a circle of dinner friends.
<br />Because I am not a long-lasting friend I must do my best to concentrate my effectiveness. Unorthodox, unwonted, unreasonable, unusual, unfiltered, uncomplicated, untoward, undermining, unsuspected - I'll be who I am as hard as I can at people so that even after they've gone on with their weekend barbecues and I'm in some remote corner of the internet, they will remember me happily.
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<br />I won't be depressed by couples anymore. I'll just tell myself that I must be replaceable because no one can handle a full lifetime of pure, clear, 100% all-natural Becca.
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8817532249263260326.post-47441025152945576552011-07-27T00:04:00.004-04:002011-07-27T00:30:58.470-04:00I'm gonna lose a lot of readers hereI need to get this out of my system, though, so brace yourselves.<br /><br />I detest, abhor, loathe, deplore, deride, scorn, spurn and HATE Americanism.<br />You call yourselves the land of the free, but you fail to recognize true freedom does not include freedom from logic and freedom from responsibility. BEING right is different from CREATING right. You owe the international community preposterous amount of money but still walk around with a look of disdain for all other countries, as if they owe you something. How come the only part of your constitution you know is that you have the right to bear arms and freedom of speech? Don't you realize that this makes you loud-mouthed twats who shoot each other for minor disagreements? Being pig-headed is not being brave or just or righteous; it is just childish. Thus, Americans, let go of this foolish pride you have in yourselves. Accept your weaknesses for what they are. It is not a terrible thing to admit you are wrong. Humility is the real mark of strength and learning is for the intelligent. Not all Americans share these crimes. There is yet hope.<br /><br />Sorry about all that. I was stuck in a logical deadlock with a man today at work. He valued himself more as an American than he valued himself as a person. If he had not been American, he would not be worthwhile, and no non-Americans are worthwhile either. I'm afraid that I must, for lack of any other sufficient term, call him a completely glorious asshole. It was all I could do to prevent myself from flying at him in a rage.<br /><br />On a happier note, thesaurus! and G. K. Chesterton! and food!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8817532249263260326.post-57018629661769487872011-07-20T12:12:00.002-04:002011-07-20T12:31:15.249-04:00I've had a weird couple of days.<br /><br />On Saturday I worked and then a friend and I hung out and watched Death at a Funeral, which was delicious. Upon returning to my home, I discovered and subsequently lost a centipede in Sparta, so I 'slept' on the couch with all of the lights on.<br />I went to church on Sunday morning with my mother and sister and grandma, who has Alzheimer's and was very cranky. It was a strange church called Lakeside. It was like going to a terrible youth convention with all of the money spent on ludicrous multimedia and the pastor wearing a shirt that showed off his pecs well but didn't help me focus on the sermon any. I did not like it. I would say that it reminded me of all the things I didn't like about church/religion. We did, however, randomly meet up with an older couple from my parents' church there and had lunch with them at a cute little restaurant just outside the city. The man, Len, taught me Sunday School as a kid and had been my coach when I was in Bible Quizzing, and has been a big influence on me. It was lovely to catch up and get to know him again, this time as an equal and not so much as a superior.<br />Sunday evening was spent in the pleasant company of a friend. We went on a field trip to Chapters, where I spent some of my precious monies on something I did not need, but with which I am very pleased.<br />On Monday evening I had a pie and programming session with a person from the Internet, which was delicious and awesome.<br />Yesterday I worked, of course. I met a new person, who is only going to be there for two weeks, and he is a "super-Christian", like me. I feel like an absolutely terrible person next to him, because of my potty mouth and inability to assert that I believe in God as He is. This makes me feel bad, which I assume is healthy, so I believe I will attempt to ask the new kid out on a church date. Updates to follow.<br />I wrote an exam this morning which I should have failed, but I believe I just barely squeaked by with like a fifty-something. No justice at all in this lifetime.<br /><br />I guess, reading that all back to myself, that the events of the last few days have not been peculiar. Something in my mind has been, though. I feel detached from reality and detached from myself, if that is a legit thing to feel. I feel vaguely non-existent. As always, I know how to fix it, but it remains to be seen whether I can convince myself that it's worthwhile.<br /><br />This coming Saturday night I'm planning to hang out in the Arbouretum with a thermos of Bailey's and look at the trees and the sky. Visitors welcome!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8817532249263260326.post-28039381228088823082011-07-14T00:24:00.002-04:002011-07-14T00:37:36.127-04:00Big News!The podcast is up and running!<br />My dear friend T and I have started a podcast to talk about Youtube, poops, and zombies! Our thrilling first episode can be found at <a href="http://mildlyentertainingshow.blogspot.com/">http://mildlyentertainingshow.blogspot.com/</a> ! We are very proud, and wish very much to mildly entertain you all.<br /><br />That was all of my truly big news. Now for some small news: I am in love with the song Northwest Passage by Stan Rogers. I'm getting into this weird folk music kick and I'm loving it! I can't stop singing the chorus of this song; it hits me in a good place.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Ah, for just one time I would take the Northwest Passage </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> To find the hand of Franklin reaching for the Beaufort Sea; </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> Tracing one warm line through a land so wild and savage </span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> And make a Northwest Passage to the sea.</span></span><br /><br />I've been thinking a lot today about honesty, and about how I'm not very good at it. At some point soon I'm going to have to start owning up to what I really believe. I think it may cost me friends, but I think I'm almost in a place where I can handle that. Perhaps if I can do all of my personality reformatting while I'm on drugs the consequences won't be as painful. I advise those of you who know me best to keep your ears open for startling revelations in the near future, and beg you not to disown me for them.<br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TVY8LoM47xI"><span style="font-style: italic;">Tracing one warm line through a land so wild and savage</span></a></span><br /><br />Go listen to The MES with T and B! GO NOW!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8817532249263260326.post-32874741683657628772011-07-02T16:26:00.002-04:002011-07-02T16:42:58.296-04:00The ManThe hypothetical being, I mean. The concept of "they".<br /><br />He's not concerned with individuals, he's concerned with the aggregate beast we call society - the populace. When a person attempts to stick it to The Man, he accepts his sticking quietly, and then makes advertising revenue off of the video the person posts on Youtube.<br />We are The Man. We know this. The Man is all the greed, envy, ambition, and malice of our collective. We have decided that there's no way an individual could be responsible for all of the problems we see in the world, so we blame it on the numinous concept of Society. This Society concept is a lie. There is no separate organism to blame for this, there is only the individual - The Man. The Man who does anything to have his life made a shade easier, a touch more pleasant.<br />There's no such thing as a rebellion that is truly for the good of a group of people. Everyone is just in it for their own gain, trying to grab something that will get them just ahead of their neighbour, their brother, their friend. We can't be truly free of the corporate warlord or immune to the seduction of power until we are entirely selfless. If we give without grudge or expectation, then how can we be robbed? If we hold our hands open, how can something be torn away from us? If we learn to be thankful for what we are given, why would we ever envy what isn't ours.<br />It is not a matter of destroying The Man, but recreating him as a new Man.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8817532249263260326.post-720455738242924072011-06-25T02:38:00.002-04:002011-06-25T02:48:40.626-04:00This evening, for the first time in my life, I went out for purely social time with co-workers. I'm really proud of the progress I've made this summer with making friends at the factory. I don't really understand how taking one little white pill every morning makes it possible for me to talk to people and make friends like a normal human. I don't feel like it's not me, though. It's like the drugs have changed everyone else, not me. The people aren't scary any more. They don't think I'm weird any more. They don't judge me as much any more.<br /><br />We went to McCabe's and had some drinks and we all work at 9:30 tomorrow morning. I probably won't be hungover. First Jaggerbomb today! I think the caffeine is doing much worse things to me than the alcohol. Red Bull makes my tumbly so angry!<br /><br />The one girl who was gonna come out with us wasn't feeling well, so she went home. She is kind of like me in that she has a difficult time with people. I am really glad that we've become friends, because she doesn't seem to have a lot of other people in her life. It's kind of just her and her boyfriend, which I don't think is a good place to be in if you run into trouble.<br /><br />This evening is a happy one for me. I can do it. I can make friends. All that remains to be seen is whether I can get up to go to work in 4 hours...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0