Thursday, April 30, 2009

And if you don't love me, let me go.

I wish I could write something useful again. My English teacher told me I sould have gone to uni for English, and that I was a good writer.

I haven't written a real piece since grade 12 english. I miss putting my thoughts into coherence, Point-Proof-Discussion style. I mentioned at one point that I hoped to write a sort of collection of essays over my year off. Essays about things I think and ideas I have.

Maybe I'll start tonight. If I don't start soon, I never will. That's how life goes.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I was kinda sick today. My tummy hurt so much I woke up last night. I've been careful not to stray too far from the Tums today. All I can eat now without feeling like death is dry oatmeal. I slept for like 6 hours during the daylight.


Oh, last night was interesting also! Amie and I bought lots of plastic forks and spoons and spelled "FORK'D" on Porky's lawn and the Criminal's lawn, and wrote "PANTS" on Calvin's and ":)" on Pauvre's. Awesome fun! We're planning a similar stunt for Biye, just spelling LOLLIPOP with suckers. Yay us!

I will go sleep more.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

I really suck at being passionate about stuff. I really am enjoying just being holed away in a room with my quilt and pillow and endless words to soak my mind in (aka the Lord of the Rings books. I read the end of the first, all of the second, and am well into the third from today).

My older sister is home from the ends of the earth (aka Alberta) and she and the Evil Bible School Chick are laughing away in the basement. They're two people with one brain, it seems.

I'm finding life very tasteless and angering right now, and see no resolution to this approaching.

For now I will just read this book. Watching Frodo and Sam fight orcs, and listening to men with weird names give decorous speeches is calming because it is distracting. I can be comforted by their danger because I'm reading about it under a warm blanket on a soft bed.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

I had forgotten that music and happiness are not allowed in this house.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

having a bit of a panic attack
I believe with everything I am that my mother is trying to make my life miserable.
Reasons for this remain unclear.
I think I am contrary to her plans or something.
I think she wants me to move back out. I've only been here 3 days.....
If I didn't have a job and a horse in Elmira, and if I had a vehicle, I would move out.

One of us yet may be stabbed in her sleep.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

New Plan

My mom seems to think I'm always scheming. For once she is right.

The scheme is: become a roadie!
And not just any roadie...
I'm going to apply to tour around as sort of a media liaison for an organization that works to free child soldiers. I can use my skills AND help Africa! Wooo!

Unfortunately the application process is ludicrous. I have to submit all this written stuff and a 5 minute video! I have no skills with videos, but hopefully I'll figure something out.

Oh, and this roadie thing would consume the time between August and December. Is this a good idea? I don't know....
But I'll try out for it at least.
I'm excited

Friday, April 17, 2009

Last night in res

To be honest, I don't care.
It's not like home is much better.
I want to be out.
Out in the world, not tied down at all.
Travel with a backpack and a hammock.

But I can't find the anger with in myself to leave. I'm not angry, just annoyed at the monotony and the passiveness.
I feel passive. I don't like it, but change is not a passive idea.

I need to be excited about something. Anything. Everything I have to look forward to seems so distant, and...


And my tummy is restless.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Sesame Street

I've just thought something.
I'm not an "in the moment" type of person at all. Pretty much my fave thing is to think about other moments than the present, or other universes than the present.
I've got a feeling this isn't bad. It's bad to never see the good of the present because it was either better before or will be better after. Thinking about it is ok though, as long as one can still enjoy a good book, a sunny day, or a funny joke.

I want to go hiking! Arg! I'm stuck in Guelph, but I want to go to the cool places on the Niagara Escarpment my dad took us to and just scamper around in the forest for a while. It would help me relax and clear my mind. It's a lovely day here, and I'm going to be inside studying through it.

I keep on yawning and it really hurts cuz I stabbed myself in the back of the throat with a straw.
Maybe eating peanut butter will help. Yum!

Oh, and I realized I'm very close to being a crazy person. When I'm by myself studying, I talk and hum to keep myself focused. Yesterday I almost started talking to leaves. I need medication or more human contact...

Sometimes I think it would be nice to talk to a therapist. I don't think I have any problems really, but you can tell them all the weird stuff that goes on in your head and they'll simply nod and murmur affirmation. I think that would be nice.

Reincarnation would be nice if you could remember your past lives. That way, by like your 10th life you could be a lawyer, a doctor, a musician, a vet, a pilot, etc. You could be a bum in your first life then, and it wouldn't be a problem. As long as you're a bum that does nice stuff for other people, because if you're not nice you'll return as a gnat or something.

No, I didn't mean to write about Sesame Street. Why?

Saturday, April 11, 2009

So apparently I am neither allowed to finish my schooling or continue to live in my parents house because I'm afraid of spiders.

I've been really afraid of spiders ever since I was a little kid. Even pictures of them will give me nightmares. It's not like I don't know they can't hurt me. It's something psychological, and I would hope that people can find it in their hearts not to exploit, torture, or despise me because of it.

The basement of my house has two problems. First, the cellar isn't properly sealed, so its infestations leak into the rest of the basement. Second, the drains of the downstairs shower are regularly populated with brown tunnel spiders. Thus the basement has a lot higher spider frequency than the ground level. So I can't sleep when I'm in the bedroom down there.

My mom decided that this summer, my older sister and I would share that room and make one of the upstairs bedrooms into my brother's girlfriend's room. I asked if I could please have the upstairs one instead. And she refused. And got very angry.

Basically she told me that I may as well drop out of my university program if I was going to continue being this stupid, and that there was no way I was getting the upstairs bedroom, and that I should probably find a different place to live for the summer. Which is really unfortunate since I just landed a job in Elmira. I remain hopeful that my dad can help me out.

And I've been sick on and off for the past while. If not a headache, then a stomachache.


Thursday, April 9, 2009

Why I'm not going to Rwanda

Because an explanation was requested...

We were supposed to leave during the first week of May

Our only fundraiser was scheduled for April 11, and the interview to determine whether I could go would be April 9. I'm volunteering at a vet clinic April 21-30, and it was all getting really close to the line and stressful.

But I still reallllly wanted to be there and stuff.

Pros = Cons

So I flipped a coin, and here I stay.

Any questions?


I could really go for something baked right now. Brownies or muffins or something. Maybe I can make something when I get home (my mother is coming in an hour or so and I'm staying at home for a week!).

I think I would also like to go to a concert. Anyone want to go see Coldplay on July 30th?

I'm very bored with my existence right now. Yesterday I just lounged about, wrote an exam, and continued lounging. I hope to go to the barn today after I'm home. If I don't I'll likely go nutters.

Hopefully, with moving back home, some issues I've been having will resolve, such as constantly feeling ill, constantly being bored, constantly eating junk food, and never doing anything. Those are all issues.

Oh man, I'm totally baking when I get home. That is final!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Early Morning

It isn't early anymore now.
But when I woke up at 6 or so this morning, I took to thinking.

I thought about boys for a while, and whether I will be able to handle a relationship with one at any point in life.

I thought about next year, being out of school, and living at home. Having had such an awesome roomie, sharing with a sister will be a difficult change.

I thought about people, and wondered if we will ever all get along, or if I will be able to make friends in my travels around the world.

I thought about my exams, and then realized I had to study a bit more for bio, and start studying for physics.

I thought about more too, but circumstances are not right for me to write my other thoughts yet.

The lightest snow is falling now, or at least is drifting around in the air. It's the sit-by-a-window-with-your-thoughts-and-your-tea sort of snowfall.

My thinking will be postponed till after these exams, and then I will see where they are at.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Peer Pressured Blog

I really haven't got anything to write, but I said I'd blog.

We had a group study session this eve.

Life is awkward when someone who doesn't like you is in your space. It's my space. At least make a pretense.

Also, I don't understand people who just don't show up for stuff. I'm compulsively early. If I don't show for something I feel absolutely terrible!

I smell popcorn.

I've been sick every evening for the past week or so. When it's not a headache, it's a tummyache, or it's both.

I don't mean to complain really, I just hurt a lot.

It snowed. I want the sunshine back :(

Or at least the rain.

I have nothing really more to say.

My biology exam is tomorrow and I feel somewhat prepared. Now I just need to stop the implosions of my tummy and head.

I have something else on my mind, but I can't write about it right now. I wish I could, cuz it's bothering me, but circumstances are not right.

What I will ask, though, is why I want so much for people to like me? I thought for a long time that it didn't matter, but now that I'm out of my little bubble of having friends, I find myself controlling what I say so that whoever I'm talking to won't find me too weird or annoying or whatever. It's a little unnerving, cuz I hoped that I would be able to just be myself and never mind the people around me. It's a bit of a blow to my self image, you know.

I have other stuff on my mind. Not like exams. Like other big stuff that may affect much more of my life and mind than these people and marks and experiences.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Raindrops on windows and questions on kittens

My biology lecture turned into a environmentalist pep rally today....
I felt either subverted or violated.
Actually I made a little game for myself looking at what people with laptops were doing during class. A lot of facebook and MSN of course, but also some reading blogs, and some weird internet games, and one girl on FML! Yay! Oh, and a few solitaires.

Weather out today is my fave, except it's cool enough that the drizzle could turn into sleet. Let's hope that doesn't happen.
Today is wednesday, which is a webcomic day.
Actually, since I began following Questionable Content and A Softer World, every day is webcomic day, but wednesdays, mondays, and fridays are bonus cuz of xkcd.
Yeyea for nerdism!

Inspired by a friend's blog, I thought this morning a lot about how I don't want a strictly regimented life. I want to be able to sort of fling myself to any corner of the globe as I feel compelled to. I don't want to answer to a family or a home or a career.
"Why then," you ask, "would you bother to go through school for a degree?"
Because, you moron, these things take money! Moving is expensive, and I wouldn't mind moving every 6-12 months. If I'm a vet, no matter where I am I can get a decent paying job. My resume will be pretty sketch, actually....
Job Experience:
Aug 2020-Jan 2021 - PEI
Feb 2021 - Oct 2021 - South Africa
Nov 2021 - Oct 2022 - Andorra
Nov 2022 - May 2023 - Mongolia
...and so forth. Might throw potential employers off, but that's ok

Actually I think it would be cool if I could work in some sort of humanitarian capacity. Like teach impoverished people about good animal husbandry so that they can get the most out of their animals in their situation.
This lifestyle also means unfortunately that the largest pet I could own would be a kitty. As much as I love kitties, this is.... an issue. The horses and dogs and llamas and camels make me very happy and I really want to own them at some point in life.
I suppose though, I'll be cool with whatever I end up doing, as long as I always have the option of leaving. And one always has that option, no matter what one thinks.
There is an underlying problem with this roving lifestyle though. As much as I don't want to be tied down by one person (ie: husband (ew!)), I don't want to be without friends. So theoretically I will need to make friends wherever I go. Empirical evidence shows that I suck at this. I think practice is needed, but I need first a capacity in which to practice and second a few pointers to get me going. Charm school!

I love raindrops. They're so charming; they make glass seem similar in clarity to mud. I like how they're all round and they throw light around with grave jocundity. Like a priest preaching sternly to his congregation on the importance of exuberance and jollity.

Excuse the big words, but they fit so precisely that I can't resist.

That's all I have to say right now.

*edited to add*:
I love that the most respected news body in the world is not above mocking a blatantly stupid person. Go UK!!!