Sunday, November 28, 2010

I've just spent a few minutes filling out course evaluations online.
I hate doing these things, and I don't think they read them, so I just entertained myself with anonymous glee.
They always have a "Comments" section, where you're supposed to tell them how to improve the course. I just wrote them some nice unrelated comments. It is very freeing to tell things to a stranger.

Pie is pretty nice.

I was a Grade 4 on the crazy scale today. I rate my crazy like rapids. The rating is based on water (panic) levels, navigability (is there a way out of the issue), and the number of murderous rocks in the vicinity (people to hurt or be hurt).

Systems and protocols are so calming. I love the idea of change, because I am easily bored, but I fear things that are new, unfamiliar, or challenging. The only way I can view change without fearing it is if I idealise the new situation like mad.
Example: Moving to Africa. I will get to live in a tree and walk in the forest for a job. People I like will be accessible, but not so close that I can't be alone a lot. I will have enough responsibility to keep me busy and interested, but not so much that I crack under the pressure. I will get to see amazing natural phenomena. I will help people with my skills in some way, and I will be happy.

If I'm going to get anywhere I need to get a grip on this panicky-ness.

Ooh, also: had a fun dream last night that I was part of the film crew for a reality TV show that was about finding the best boater in Canada and I got attacked by lake sharks and the Greater Bruce Alligator while I was in Lake Erie. The cinematography of the dream was sensational. I may need to slow down on the nature docs.

Friday, November 26, 2010

I suddenly feel that my brain is back from some sort of long holiday. It probably went to Europe for the past few months and just neglected to mention it to me.

Maybe this is because I actually used it today. I didn't feel like I was screaming through a snowstorm any time I wanted information from it.

Sorry if it bothers you when I talk about my brain like it's a different person. It's jsut the best way I have of communicating the sense of disconnection between my knowledge database/central processor and my perceptual/sensational state of being.

I almost felt like I was just one person today. It was nice. It's more difficult to lie to myself when there's only one of me.

Weekend promises to be a happy time! My mother got 3 pounds of bacon for my 'birthday' dinner tomorrow, along with pie. I cannot help but be a happy camper, even if I am also a fairly edgy camper from only having 1 cigarette all week. "Where is the urge to bite me fingernails right off me hand comin from?"

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

This week, a diamond was sold at auction for 46 million USD.
And I thought I was bad for spending ludicrous sums of money on sparklies.

Really it's a bit sad. How much money did the miner get from that stone? How about the person that cut, polished, and mounted it.

Is this rock going to end poverty or AIDS or any sort of conflict? I feel like for that much money it should do more than just look pretty. It should generate rainbows that cure epilepsy.

Anyhoodles. Noodles. I have to go to my therapist again this week and either lie and said I've kept track of my emotions from day to day like she asked, or tell her I didn't and have to explain why.
I hate having to explain myself in any context. Most of the time my decisions are based on weird whims or months of obsessive reasoning. Really a better thing to ask is whether I have a reason for my actions, not what my reason is.

Fun article on ants that farm aphids.
Science is good.

Friday, November 12, 2010

It's rare that I find a problem that I can't ignore so hard that it disappears.

Sometimes though a band aid or a youtube vid or a cookie or several months of wilful denial or therapy won't make things better.

I am now at a point in life where my actions are going to have serious, lasting implications, and most of the decisions I've made since reaching this point have been crap. I kinda think it's too late to pull it together again. Kinda just want to move back in with my parents, work at the factory, settle, become a cat lady. Everything beyond that - careers, Africa, friends, happiness - just seems so impossible. If I won't ever get there, what's the use of putting in any sort of effort?

Sorry to mope. I think I'm caffeine crashing. I felt so good earlier, in the fog, walking home.

What's the point in trying if it won't change the things I've already screwed up?
Why bother?

Fun fact: I will feel fine in the morning. I'm really like a kid on the indoors: my whole world depends on the present. Whatever sensation happens to waft through me colours my perceptions of past, current, and future. Does not take a whole lot to change the sensation, and thus my entire outlook on life.

Music is so frikken pointless. Sure, it might make me feel good, but it doesn't fix anything. It's just another stupid band aid. I need re-constructive surgery and I'm just holding myself together with tape and paper clips. Band aids. Anyone with a chainsaw and a welder and a bit of spare time?

Comfort from Fight Club: I am not a special or unique snowflake. Other people have weird brain crap and caffeine crashes and freak out over stupid things and destroy their lives every day. This is normal.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Sometimes I am appalled at what I think of when left to my own for too long. Allow me to give you a cross-section of my morning thoughts:

''Man, I've got totally no money. And I just bought a latte. I could have used that money for tuition. I wonder how much money I spend on useless stuff every week. I buy about 3 non-necessary food items a week at expensive places, so I spend about $5 each time. Round up by 20%. That's $6 times 3 is $18 per week. That's ridiculous! I could be paying for car insurance with that money! But it's not like I would stop it if I had a car, hah. I would just be more poor. I should quit tutoring. Not financially sensible, really. I wish I could get a job that is just sitting around doing what I normally do. I want to get paid to be alive. Or doing something exciting. Wonder if I can scam my way into a lab job here. That would be annoying too though. I should just sell stuff I find kicking around the university. I spy with my little eye 4 unguarded laptops. Wait, that's stealing. I want to be a pickpocket. It's probably a super difficult skill to cultivate. No one expects it here though. I leave my iPod in my coat pocket. It's probably most difficult to get rid of the stuff. I could just wipe it and sell it on Kijiji. They wouldn't go for over $100, but it would be nice to have the extra cash. How would that work with my tax return? Hold up, that's stealing. Bad. But it would be so easy! Shhhhhhh."

I do need a new job though. I'm working on revising my resumé and hopefully I'll start handing them out next week so I can work through Christmas. Not exactly sure how I'm gonna break this news to my boss or my students. I might keep the one on just because I like him and we are making good progress.

Can money be made writing for a newspaper? Opinion articles could be a really easy thing to get into. dunno dunno.

Friday, November 5, 2010

So therapy is back, woohoo!

This new therapist lady is much more logic based than my previous one. She is all about the going out and getting things fixed, which is commendable, but it also means I will have to actually change. Nyyynnnnngggg.
But that's why for I'm going there, right?

Frustrating thing: whenever I have to talk about my emotions, bedraggled little things that they are, I burst into tears. Experts agree that this is because I am unused to vulnerability. Experts have much expertise.

So we are starting with trying to work through my "social anxiety" first. Get the easy stuff out of the way, right? My homework for the week is to talk and sing to myself. Easy as cereal! The lady also suggested that I join a social anxiety group in the winter semester. I almost giggled at her. The idea is oxymoronic.

I finished The Kiterunner last night. I appreciated some of the periodicity more this time. The first time round it was a nuisance, but now it is a comfort. It's a way of reassuring myself that it is not a true story. It's thematically and psychologically true though. Thank you, Fifth Business.

Shoulda coulda woulda gone to stats today. I played piano instead. It seemed like the thing to do.

Jane Austen has never been an especially brilliant writer to me. I just find her so prosaic. I've loved all of the film adaptations of her novels though. The BBC is a wonderful corporation. I watched Emma the other day. I knew the ending before I watched it, and that sort of ruined it. A story is good if knowing the ending doesn't make it less interesting.

Peace, my friends. I'm going to go watch X-Men and nature docs.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Kyle and I stared dance classes today! So fun! And the instructor is a sexy sexy African. He is my one true love. A match made in heaven.

We're learning a six-count West Coast Swing. I really suck at it, and I constantly try to lead. Kyle feels manly when I let him though, so I will do my best to follow. It's good fun and decent exercise. I just like being out and with people other than myself and Robo-Kitty.

When I got home roomie was sprawled on the bathroom floor in a state of misery. Poor kid is sick again :(
There are some things that even bacon cannot fix.

This week is gonna be kind of relaxing. All I have to do is go to class and tutor childrens and try not to make many poor decisions. Do-able? Let's hope so.

And practice my dance moves! yeyea!