Thursday, December 29, 2011

My pretties

It's been a few weeks. I just have very little to report.
The post frequency on this blog is proportional to the amount of changes in my life. Lately there have not been many new things. I've mentioned new friends, but that has not brought about changes in me. Usually I am quick to adopt characteristics of the people I am with, but that has not happened to the same degree in this scenario. That may be because I already had very much in common with them, or maybe I've grown up a little and don't care so much about fitting in. Either way, it's a new experience.

Christmas has come and gone. I was not so grumpy this year as I have been other years. My brother and his wife visited from BC for the week before the 25th and it was good to be near them again. When I was a child, my brother was the worst thing in my life. He made me cry every single day and pestered me mercilessly. Then, once I hit high school, something changed between us. We started getting along and actually enjoying being around each other. We could hang out and talk about things. We've been good buddies ever since and having him back in town was lovely.

For the past 3 days I've just been sleeping and computering and smoking. Mostly sleeping. Tomorrow I'm going with my sister and parents to Niagara to see the butterfly conservatory and hang about near the falls. Then, in the evening, UFC 141!!! Buahahaha! I love watching huge guys beat the poop out of each other! I am a Lesner fan, personally, but it's gonna be a high-intensity fight. Woooooo!

I'm currently reading Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy, which is (according to reputable sources) one of the beset books ever written. I'm dreading its conclusion. I've read the first 30 chapters (120 pages) and I like the main character, but she's doomed. It's gonna be like Madame Bovary, but with a really nice person getting messed up in the whole thing. Do you know what the downfall is going to be of the heroine? It's the fatal love of receiving admiration. She (Anna) is a good wife, a loving mother, a good and sensible woman. Then one bastardly charmer comes along and falls for her and she does the exact same thing that I would: she falls in love with her power over him and his love for her and falls from grace. It's like the tragedy of Macbeth with less ghosts and whining and more pretty dresses. I am dreading it. These Russian authors have an annoying tendency to write about real humans and the way they work, and I have no choice but to see my own faults in their writing. It's obnoxiously convicting and invigorating.

Enough of the literature nerd. I am off to smoke and read some Sherlock and possibly watch a film.

Oooh, also, I went to see the new Sherlock Holmes with my dear friend last night. It was on the mediocre side of entertaining, but it had Stephen Fry in it and Sherlock has the same pipe as me so I think it was worth the watching.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Science Complex

I like to spend time here. For the past 2 weeks or so I've been at school for 8-12 hours a day. It's a good thing they've put a lot of work into making the Atrium liveable and full of energy drinks.

All of my new friends and I like to sit around drinking Monster drinks and studying and having deep conversations. It's a good time. I'm feeling ok about school in this context. At least I have good people around me while I'm in this miserable hole. Even if I fail a few courses this semester I think it will be my best semester of university yet just for the people I've met. Good things.

It's good to have a common "we" again. After last summer I thought I had forever destroyed any hope of a good pack of hanging out buddies. I guess I'm not as much of a social screw-up as I thought for a long time.

This morning is full of studying but it's ok because I have an energy drink and buddies :)

Tuesday, November 29, 2011


It was my birthday on the 25th!

FOURTEEN people came out to the pub with me! That's an all time record!

It was a fantastic night: hanging out, having a few (eight) drinks, chatting with all sorts of people.

This past year has not been easy, but I realized it's been good. I've changed, as I so often do, and I've made friends! I think that 20 was one of my toughest years so far, but 21 will be easier. It can't really get harder, actually.

Things that happened since last birthday:
- Brother moved to BC
- Many good friendships nearly destroyed
- Few good friendships repaired-ish.
- Made friends at school! (Notes on these people to follow)
- Made friends at church
- Received two proposals of marriage
- Spent 6 months on brain drugs
- Went to Arizona all alonesies
- Set a table on fire
- Michael got married

Things that are still the same:
- Continuing struggle with existential nihilism
- Hope to move to Africa
- Those same guys from high school who have always been around for me and each other
- Scotch is delicious
- School is a soul-sucking abyss of misery
- Lack of emotional availability prevents romantic relationship
- Rubber boots!

The friends I've made at school are mostly from my Integrative Biology of Invertebrates class. They're all way smarter than me which is good because competition might motivate me to do things.

One thing I want to change about myself is my tendency to talk before I think. I've said a lot of really dumb/insensitive/foolish things and it bothers me. Wish to seem smart.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Remembrance Day

Dulce et Decorum Est

Bent double, like old beggars under sacks,
Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,
Till on the haunting flares we turned out backs,
And towards our distant rest began to trudge.
Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots,
But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame, all blind;
Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots
Of gas-shells dropping softly behind.

Gas! GAS! Quick, boys!--An ecstasy of fumbling
Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time,
But someone still was yelling out and stumbling
And flound'ring like a man in fire or lime.--
Dim through the misty panes and thick green light,
As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.

In all my dreams before my helpless sight
He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.

If in some smothering dreams, you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin,
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs
Bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,--
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old Lie: Dulce et decorum est
Pro patria mori.
-Wilfred Owen

Do Not Go Gentle

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rage at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

-Dylan Thomas

But now, for the first time, I see you are a man like me. I thought of your hand-grenades, of your bayonet, of your rifle; now I see your wife and your face and our fellowship. Forgive me, comrade. We always see it too late. Why do they never tell us that you are poor devils like us, that your mothers are just as anxious as ours, and that we have the same fear of death, and the same dying and the same agony--Forgive me, comrade; how could you be my enemy?

-Erich Maria Remarque

Dirge Without Music

I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.
So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind:
Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely. Crowned
With lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned.

Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you.
Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust.
A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew,
A formula, a phrase remains,—but the best is lost.

The answers quick and keen, the honest look, the laughter, the
They are gone. They are gone to feed the roses. Elegant and curled
Is the blossom. Fragrant is the blossom. I know. But I do not
More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the

Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.

-Edna St. Vincent Millay

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Found out today that you need to pass an interview to get food from the food bank. It seems unnecessary.

Life's been many an irritating thing recently. School is getting me down, lack of happypills has allowed for the return to my naturally nihilistic state, there are more insects than food in my apartment (less irritating, more ridiculous).

Since quitting my jorb I've felt desperately poor and have avoided turning on the heat, eating, smoking, or doing anything other than my homework.

Basically my brain is in the sewer-like depths of the "everything sucks forever" thing and the things which I know would cheer me up are no good for me (smoking, burning things, manipulating people by lying to them).

I hate trying to put my life on track. I'm not going to say "back" on track because there's no convincing evidence that it has every been going anywhere. If you are remotely interested in what I spend my time thinking about on a nice Tuesday evening at home, go read the Wikipedia article on Existentialism, noting especially the bits on Angst and The Absurd.


The main disagreement I have with existential philosophy is that I believe on some level that the universe or existence or life or whatever does make sense. There's purpose behind it somewhere. The right answer is the one which assumes the fewest ridiculous things.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Mutant superpowers!

It's ridiculous how much of a rush I get from boy attention. It turns me into a cackling, maniacal, goddess-like critter full of a need for worship but disdain for anyone who bends to my will.

Nonsense! But it's so simple to acquire and so nifty to have...

In other news, I am so far behind in school that I'm considering dropping out and making something of my life. NO BAD SCHOOL FINISHING MUST

In other words, grar.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

I've been neglecting this

I'm enjoying this morning actually. I've got a midterm to write in about 15 minutes that I am not really prepared for, and I stayed up late and slept in late and I'm on my second coffee.

There's a student and his dad sitting at the table next to me talking about plagiarism and current events and stuff. They sound like they get along well and it makes me happy.

I did laundry! Only Roomie knows how big an accomplishment this is. I'm lazy and busy, so anything that is not of immediate importance I just can't be bothered to do.

Things are piling up. I'm thinking of every deadline I've got coming soon and it makes me wind up inside and get all flustered. Counteraction: learning Aerosmith songs on the guitar! I've got Dream On in a pretty workable state (sans riffs though).

Rock climbing tonight! Paper due tomorrow! Doctor's appt tomorrow! Work on Friday! Detroit on Saturday! Work on Sunday! School on Monday! AAAHAHAHA*sob*

This is normals!

Friday, September 30, 2011

The Kids are Ultra-Violet

Somebodies fucked up kids
They're ruining everything
Tiny effervescent virulent eyes
Ripped out the sockets in the middle of the night
The night
The night
The night
The night
The night
Could have been some kind of chemical reaction
Could have been the drugs I don't know what it could have been
Were sick of our skin but in the dark it felt nice
Were sick of our skin but in the dark it felt nice
The night
The night
The night

- Wintersleep

Standing in my driveway last night having a cigarette and an angst attack, this song popped up on my iPod. I shut my eyes and listened as hard as I could, it felt so good in my messy brain.

Then my Cargill peeps said they were going out for the one girl's birthday, so I met them at the bar and we all hung about until 2AM.

Conclusion: I like to be by myself but I like other people too.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Every time I am in this class I get so irritated that I could slap everyone, and particularly this guy sitting on the far side of the class who is always blathering about what he did in the experiment, blahblahblah. The profs are always trying to herd us towards an expected answer to a question, but never give us decent clues on what they're looking for. It doesn't help that I've never had quite enough sleep.

Ooh,one of my profs published something cool! I won't bog you down with the paper, but here's a news article on what he's working on. He's actually my program advisor and boots buddy.

I've had a crazy few days with writing papers and visiting with crazy uncle and drinking coffee. I'm reacquainting myself with a state of being that was inaccessible to me while I was on drugs: loopy yet vaguely functional tiredness. I'm kind of enjoying this return to my 'normal' self. Some new friends, who have never seen me like this, may be put off. I am doing my best to be comfortable in myself and confident that some people will probably still think I'm alright even though I'm a little bit weirder than they had originally anticipated.

So I will return to the class discussion and attempt to figure out what to poop the silly profs are on about.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Med-less Day 1

I don't feel any different. This is good?

Sunday, September 18, 2011


Give me some loving
'Cause I've been thinking about dying
Under heavy snow

Give me some shelter

And make this better
Before I get old

Give me some sweetness

And help me beat this with thunderlove
That shakes the doubters
Who whisper secrets with lightning lungs

And I shout timber because I am lumber falling down

- Ohbijou

I'm going off my meds now. Expect 4-10 texts a week about wanting to photosynthesize or how much school sucks when you have a cow in your brain.

Monday, September 5, 2011


Definition: a person who was born before.
I found one.

This crazy old man I've met and befriended at the hostel has been strangely enlightening to me. He is 61 and homeless. He has $30 in emergency stamps for food until next month. That, a frozen chicken thigh, the clothes he wears, and $3.75 are all he posesses. He's had a crazy life of abuse, turmoil, poverty, education, travelling, drugs, and I can't imagine what else. I have never met someone (other than my own Grandmother) who had so much information locked in his head.

It's truly inspiring to see someone at that age who is cheerful in spite of what life has handed him, and who is generous with all he has in spite of how little it is. He offered me half of his chicken and I nearly cried.

If, to defeat greed, we all need to end up like this rebel angel (copyright Robertson Davies), this wild, deranged guru, then I support it.

Here is to the foretaste of my future, when I will be generous and guiltless. I will be poor and pure.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

My Dear Mr. Jack Layton

It's unbelievable to me that you are indeed gone. I always hoped I'd meet you and tell you how inspiring you've been to me, and now that that is impossible, I will have to tell you in this way how much I appreciate you.
When I was growing up in rural Ontario, my parents (and everyone else in the area, in fact) were cynical about politics. They always said that politicians were a bunch of kindergarten kids fighting about who got what and that they never helped much of anything. Being born and raised in this tradition, I began to believe it myself. I thought that it didn't matter who was running the country, because they were in it for their own benefit and not for the benefit of their people.
About half-way through high school, I began to realize how much the federal government affected the everyday lives of Canadians. Issues like health care, educational funding, northern sovereignty, and economic growth became important to me. With my growing concern came growing frustration; why were the people in charge not representing the wishes of the average Canadian on these issues? Politicians' words in the media were sickeningly noncommittal. I shared the apathy of many young voters. Why vote for any of these robots who dispassionately promised a vaguely cheaper and vaguely better future.
Then, in 2008, came my political reinvention. Barack Obama's campaign and victory in the United States taught me that a single dedicated person is a great force for good. I believe that Mr. Obama truly loves his country and truly cares about giving each citizen the best future possible.
I began to look for someone similar in Canada: someone who not only had a platform worth supporting, but who was also human. The humanity of politicians is a widely contested issue. For the purposes of most people, they may as well be androids with the ability to randomly assign laws to places in which they have no involvement.
'Til there was you.
There was something captivating about you, something that set you apart from the other kids in parliament. There was, behind all the ghostwriting and soundbites and political branding, a human being. I cannot believe I was misled in this. You believed in what you said. You were a breath of delicious spring air in the stagnant swamp of Canada's political elite.
Believing in the things you represent is what sets you apart from the robots. Instead of bending your policies to get the most votes, I feel like you simply represent what you think is the best for the country. I find this humanity comforting and overwhelmingly inspiring.
I can hardly bring myself to think of you in the past tense. Did you know what you meant to this country? You were the one who taught many young Canadians that there is a reason to be involved with their government. You stood for honesty and passion in your political life and work. What more can we ask of one human than to live with honesty and passion? Who can do better than to work tirelessly to bring about what they know is the best thing for themselves, their families, their countrymen, and the world.
I believe that you could not have done better in your work for this country. To lose you is to lose a lover of this nation, a brother in arms against apathy and chaos, and to lose a human who was of inestimable value to his family and personal friends.
Mr. Layton, I thank you for what you have taught me about what good can come of one human life. I thank you for your work, for your passion, for your honesty, and for your love of this beautiful country. You have raised up a generation who will carry on the fight for humanity. Because you have done your duty so well, and because you have been so faithful to yourself and to Canada, may you now rest in peace.
With the greatest respect and sadness;
A citizen.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Hercules Beetle!

For my research project I'm hoping to discover the habits and habitat of the Western Hercules Beetle (Dynastes granti), and find something out about their numbers or something. They are just cool.

We are in the middle of our huge daily thunderstorm. They're nice to have around. It's funny that it rains more here in the desert than it did in Southern Ontario. I'm also realizing that when I get back home it will be fall time and I might have missed some leaf-changing- awesome-times.

School is a-coming. My thoughts are being scattered today. I have been reading a book by Aldous Huxley entitled "Eyeless in Gaza" which is partly responsible for my broodish disposition. It's just about this man and his little social circle around the beginning of the 20th century and it confuses me. The main charachter is a protagonist, definitely, but all of the philosophical treatises of the author are presented by outlying antagonists. It is confusing on a very personal level.

I'm confused on a personal level about a great number of things. Who are the good guys? What is freedom? What am I going to do about all the people in all the places? Confusing.

Monday, August 22, 2011


I'm in Arizona! It's pretty rad here. Hot and sunny with daily downpours.

The people on my team are a mix of nice and annoying individuals. I really like the prof and her partner. Good humans. I'm not liking that we're spending so much time around bugs, because it turns every night into a nightmare parade of things crawling into my ears. *shiver*.

I've had a lot of time to myself to think about things as well. The lady I couchsurfed with and I talked a lot about global community and what it looks like in an individual's daily life. I really think that couchsurfing is something I'm going to love being involved with. My latest philosophy (no one can steal something you happily give) is going to get a run for its money on the practical end.

Deserts are pretty sick. Lots of life in the unexpected places. I love beetles (Coleoptera FTW!).

"Oh yeah, life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone." I still have the thrill of living. I am not dead yet. I refuse to die while I'm still alive. No matter how old I get, there will be mountains to climb, rocks to poke under, wikipedia articles to read, songs to learn, and offensive jokes about disabled people to make.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Sitting in a Laz-E-Boy chair surrounded by hot water bottles and cursing whoever decided that the female reproductive system was a good idea. Grah!

It's been a long time since I've bee up at this hour. It will probably make the rest of my day unbearable.

I had some thought though.

Couples depress me. It's not that I dislike hanging out with couples; roomie and her bf are good times and I visit married people regularly and have a whale of a time. Sooner or later, though, I always remember that I am replaceable.
I'm a Fifth Business. To quote Robertson Davies
"Who are you? Where do you fit into poetry and myth? Do you know who I think you are, Ramsay? I think you are Fifth Business. "You don't know what that is? Well, in opera in a permanent company of the kind we keep up in Europe you must have a prima donna -- always a soprano, always the heroine, often a fool; and a tenor who always plays the lover to her; and then you must have a contralto, who is a rival to the soprano, or a sorceress or something; and a basso, who is the villain or the rival or whatever threatens the tenor.
"So far, so good. But you cannot make a plot work without another man, and he is usually a baritone, and he is called in the profession Fifth Business, because he is the odd man out, the person who has no opposite of the other sex. And you must have Fifth Business because he is the one who knows the secret of the hero's birth, or comes to the assistance of the heroine when she thinks all is lost, or keeps the hermitess in her cell, or may even be the cause of somebody's death if that is part of the plot. The prima donna and the tenor, the contralto and the basso, get all the best music and do all the spectacular things, but you cannot manage the plot without Fifth Business! It is not spectacular, but it is a good line of work, I can tell you, and those who play it sometimes have a career that outlasts the golden voices.
Sooner or later, with every person I befriend, they will reach a point when they go "Oh yah, Becca! I haven't talked to her in a while! I should check in on her." Then they will give me a text or facebook message asking to meet up for coffee or some such and I will be excited to see them too, though not at all for the same reasons. When we go out we will chat about the person's life and talk about their significant other and I will oooh and aaaahh and giggle in the right spots. Then they will ask me about my life and I will say something along the lines of work carrying on as usual. I will tell entertaining stories about me and whatever friend I recently had taken up and the person will shake their head and laugh and say "Oh Becca, you are so silly/unique/crazy/etc." Then they will go home thinking how nice it was to see that they had grown up and I had not.
I suppose what I mean that people being in couples reminds me that they are growing up and leading adult lives while I am childishly blundering on, attempting to keep my mind in the same time zone as my body and keep my body in a time zone in Africa. My relationships will always be transitory, while my peers will eventually settle down with a partner and their social circle of other couples that they like to have dinner parties and weekend camping trips with. Because I won't get married because I am untrustworthy because I am emotionally stunted I'm not going to the have the luxury of a circle of dinner friends.
Because I am not a long-lasting friend I must do my best to concentrate my effectiveness. Unorthodox, unwonted, unreasonable, unusual, unfiltered, uncomplicated, untoward, undermining, unsuspected - I'll be who I am as hard as I can at people so that even after they've gone on with their weekend barbecues and I'm in some remote corner of the internet, they will remember me happily.

I won't be depressed by couples anymore. I'll just tell myself that I must be replaceable because no one can handle a full lifetime of pure, clear, 100% all-natural Becca.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

I'm gonna lose a lot of readers here

I need to get this out of my system, though, so brace yourselves.

I detest, abhor, loathe, deplore, deride, scorn, spurn and HATE Americanism.
You call yourselves the land of the free, but you fail to recognize true freedom does not include freedom from logic and freedom from responsibility. BEING right is different from CREATING right. You owe the international community preposterous amount of money but still walk around with a look of disdain for all other countries, as if they owe you something. How come the only part of your constitution you know is that you have the right to bear arms and freedom of speech? Don't you realize that this makes you loud-mouthed twats who shoot each other for minor disagreements? Being pig-headed is not being brave or just or righteous; it is just childish. Thus, Americans, let go of this foolish pride you have in yourselves. Accept your weaknesses for what they are. It is not a terrible thing to admit you are wrong. Humility is the real mark of strength and learning is for the intelligent. Not all Americans share these crimes. There is yet hope.

Sorry about all that. I was stuck in a logical deadlock with a man today at work. He valued himself more as an American than he valued himself as a person. If he had not been American, he would not be worthwhile, and no non-Americans are worthwhile either. I'm afraid that I must, for lack of any other sufficient term, call him a completely glorious asshole. It was all I could do to prevent myself from flying at him in a rage.

On a happier note, thesaurus! and G. K. Chesterton! and food!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

I've had a weird couple of days.

On Saturday I worked and then a friend and I hung out and watched Death at a Funeral, which was delicious. Upon returning to my home, I discovered and subsequently lost a centipede in Sparta, so I 'slept' on the couch with all of the lights on.
I went to church on Sunday morning with my mother and sister and grandma, who has Alzheimer's and was very cranky. It was a strange church called Lakeside. It was like going to a terrible youth convention with all of the money spent on ludicrous multimedia and the pastor wearing a shirt that showed off his pecs well but didn't help me focus on the sermon any. I did not like it. I would say that it reminded me of all the things I didn't like about church/religion. We did, however, randomly meet up with an older couple from my parents' church there and had lunch with them at a cute little restaurant just outside the city. The man, Len, taught me Sunday School as a kid and had been my coach when I was in Bible Quizzing, and has been a big influence on me. It was lovely to catch up and get to know him again, this time as an equal and not so much as a superior.
Sunday evening was spent in the pleasant company of a friend. We went on a field trip to Chapters, where I spent some of my precious monies on something I did not need, but with which I am very pleased.
On Monday evening I had a pie and programming session with a person from the Internet, which was delicious and awesome.
Yesterday I worked, of course. I met a new person, who is only going to be there for two weeks, and he is a "super-Christian", like me. I feel like an absolutely terrible person next to him, because of my potty mouth and inability to assert that I believe in God as He is. This makes me feel bad, which I assume is healthy, so I believe I will attempt to ask the new kid out on a church date. Updates to follow.
I wrote an exam this morning which I should have failed, but I believe I just barely squeaked by with like a fifty-something. No justice at all in this lifetime.

I guess, reading that all back to myself, that the events of the last few days have not been peculiar. Something in my mind has been, though. I feel detached from reality and detached from myself, if that is a legit thing to feel. I feel vaguely non-existent. As always, I know how to fix it, but it remains to be seen whether I can convince myself that it's worthwhile.

This coming Saturday night I'm planning to hang out in the Arbouretum with a thermos of Bailey's and look at the trees and the sky. Visitors welcome!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Big News!

The podcast is up and running!
My dear friend T and I have started a podcast to talk about Youtube, poops, and zombies! Our thrilling first episode can be found at ! We are very proud, and wish very much to mildly entertain you all.

That was all of my truly big news. Now for some small news: I am in love with the song Northwest Passage by Stan Rogers. I'm getting into this weird folk music kick and I'm loving it! I can't stop singing the chorus of this song; it hits me in a good place.

Ah, for just one time I would take the Northwest Passage
To find the hand of Franklin reaching for the Beaufort Sea;
Tracing one warm line through a land so wild and savage
And make a Northwest Passage to the sea.

I've been thinking a lot today about honesty, and about how I'm not very good at it. At some point soon I'm going to have to start owning up to what I really believe. I think it may cost me friends, but I think I'm almost in a place where I can handle that. Perhaps if I can do all of my personality reformatting while I'm on drugs the consequences won't be as painful. I advise those of you who know me best to keep your ears open for startling revelations in the near future, and beg you not to disown me for them.

Tracing one warm line through a land so wild and savage

Go listen to The MES with T and B! GO NOW!

Saturday, July 2, 2011

The Man

The hypothetical being, I mean. The concept of "they".

He's not concerned with individuals, he's concerned with the aggregate beast we call society - the populace. When a person attempts to stick it to The Man, he accepts his sticking quietly, and then makes advertising revenue off of the video the person posts on Youtube.
We are The Man. We know this. The Man is all the greed, envy, ambition, and malice of our collective. We have decided that there's no way an individual could be responsible for all of the problems we see in the world, so we blame it on the numinous concept of Society. This Society concept is a lie. There is no separate organism to blame for this, there is only the individual - The Man. The Man who does anything to have his life made a shade easier, a touch more pleasant.
There's no such thing as a rebellion that is truly for the good of a group of people. Everyone is just in it for their own gain, trying to grab something that will get them just ahead of their neighbour, their brother, their friend. We can't be truly free of the corporate warlord or immune to the seduction of power until we are entirely selfless. If we give without grudge or expectation, then how can we be robbed? If we hold our hands open, how can something be torn away from us? If we learn to be thankful for what we are given, why would we ever envy what isn't ours.
It is not a matter of destroying The Man, but recreating him as a new Man.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

This evening, for the first time in my life, I went out for purely social time with co-workers. I'm really proud of the progress I've made this summer with making friends at the factory. I don't really understand how taking one little white pill every morning makes it possible for me to talk to people and make friends like a normal human. I don't feel like it's not me, though. It's like the drugs have changed everyone else, not me. The people aren't scary any more. They don't think I'm weird any more. They don't judge me as much any more.

We went to McCabe's and had some drinks and we all work at 9:30 tomorrow morning. I probably won't be hungover. First Jaggerbomb today! I think the caffeine is doing much worse things to me than the alcohol. Red Bull makes my tumbly so angry!

The one girl who was gonna come out with us wasn't feeling well, so she went home. She is kind of like me in that she has a difficult time with people. I am really glad that we've become friends, because she doesn't seem to have a lot of other people in her life. It's kind of just her and her boyfriend, which I don't think is a good place to be in if you run into trouble.

This evening is a happy one for me. I can do it. I can make friends. All that remains to be seen is whether I can get up to go to work in 4 hours...

Friday, June 17, 2011

Peanut butter is a meal, right? I'm too lazy to put anything together right now, and roomie is asleep so I don't want to make too much noise.

You know that weird stage with work friends where you're not sure if you're real friends or not? I'm entering that phase with two of the girls from the factory. It's awkward because no one wants to be like "Let's hang out for reals!", but it's exciting because I'm actually making social progress! I'm so proud. Tomorrow we are ordering pizza in for ourselves at lunch and having a nice 'party'. We're probably going out drinking next weekend, too.

Speaking of social progress, I have a new stalker! Yaaaay! This one started hitting on me at work, got shot down, got fired two days ago, showed up on the bus home tonight and chatted at me the whole way down town. I was so distracted that I got on the wrong bus and had to do some interesting manoeuvres to get back on my bus. I missed my stop once I was on the right bus, too. On the bright side, if anyone really was trying to find out where I lived they would be super confused by all that.

I'm really happy with how well I've done making friends at this job. It makes me feel successful somehow.

One thing I like about myself is that I still find drinking out of my Winnie-the-Pooh cup really comforting. The text on it says "the more it snows tiddely-pom, the more it goes tiddely-pom". I never understood it as a kid, and I still don't, but it has a nice ring to it and the pictures are nice.

Tomorrow the plan is to go to Walmart, Bulk Barn, and No Frills to get some of my life back together. If I could also find time to clean my room, that would be splendid.

I am going to throw this stupid cat straight out the door. Shut up you stupid beastie!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Lazing on a Sunny Afternoon

I'm lying on Johnson Green at the University, with my legs in the sun and my face in the shade. I'm wearing shorts for the first time in a long time, and hoping to get some sort of tan in the little time I have before I get the bus to work. The grass smells terrific from being cut recently. It's sunny and not too hot, and I'm pretty sure this is the ultimate nice day. I think I'm really actually making friends at work now. I'm happy about it. I'm also doing my best to be honest about who and what I am with them, instead of saying what I think they want to hear. Sometimes I'm not even sure of the difference between those two, but I feel good about trying. I'm gonna just lie in the sun now, and smell the good things of summer.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Places I Want to Visit

The Dead Sea
The Mongolian Desert
The Andes
Democratic Republic of the Congo
St. Petersburg, Russia
The Himalayas
The Bay of Fundy
Central Australia
Fiordland National Park, New Zealand
Gros Morne National Park, Canada
(All Canadian National Parks)
Easter Island
Christmas Island

I am open to suggestions.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Day off!

Today I didn't have work or school! It's great! I stayed up till 6:30 in the morning playing Heroes of Might and Magic V with my Pauvre Kyle and then slept till noon and now I'm just kicking around the house until my mother drives me back to Guelph. Tonight Vee and her mister and Calvin and I are all gonna go out to the Mongolian Grill for supper! It will be so yummy!

I guess it's partially because of the weather that I'm in such a glorious mood. Yesterday was so beautiful and pleasant! My father and I called up friends and cousins and went to play beach volleyball at the Conestogo Community Centre. Chocolate milk and watermelon on the front lawn afterward. I really enjoy my cousins' company. We all just sit around and chat and giggle and I feel like a normal person. It's satisfying; it's surreal.

Next week will be the kick-off of a shiny new podcast: The Mildly Entertaining Show with T and B, otherwise referred to as the MES. Links to the RSS and (eventually) the iTunes download will be provided soon! It will be an approximately weekly look into our lives and thoughts and will feature some awesome discussions about THINGS THAT YOU LIKE! You should be as excited as I am :D

T and I had an interesting chat this weekend on the importance of names, and the psychology of them. I am big on the importance of names, which is why I have so many names for people. The name I use to refer to someone denotes how I am feeling about them at the time, because to me a name encapsulates my perception of them as a being. I am going to use Vanessa as an example because I have lots of names for her, and because I don't think she will mind. Here is a guide to what I'm thinking when I use one of her many names!
Vee: She is my good buddy ol' pal. We're comfortable hanging out, we have the same interests, we don't take stuff to seriously but we can tell each other what we're thinking.
Vanessa: She's my goofy, crazy room mate who is always up to hilarious hijinks. She says thoroughly inappropriate things about cripples and embarrasses herself while entertaining all the rest of us.
Van: She existed more in high school. Van is polite and shy and generally goes along with the crowd. She listens way more than she talks, and is off daydreaming for 90% of the conversation.
Vaness: Is takin' care of business! Going running, doing dishes, paying bills, and generally being thoroughly useful. Vaness is cool because she can deal with stressful situations and is good at solving problems and organizing things.
Do you see how I mean? People's names mean something about them, but they also mean something about the person using them. I coloured them because colours are fun! Also, because like the different parts of people, colours can all be really cool while being really different.

(Hope you don't mind my shocking exposé of you here, buddy! You're the best!)

I'm gonna go outside and try to get some sunshines! Hurrah!

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

I've been neglecting this. I know. I am just busy, and the drugs make me so sleepy and loopy that I prefer to sleep when I have free time.

I have a midterm this morning that I don't think I am prepared for. Huspaz.

I also have an assignment that I need to complete and a quiz and a lab and work.

When I get home tonight at midnight, I will simply collapse with joy knowing that I don't need to go to school until 2pm. Maybe I can write you guys something worthwhile tomorrow morning? That would be nice, I think!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Girl Sailor

The gutter may profess its love,
Then follow it with hesitation,
But there are just so many of
You out there for rent

A stronger girl would shake this off in flight,
And never give it more than a frowning hour,
But you have let your heart decide,
Loss has conquered you,

You've won one too many fights,
Wearing many hats every time,
But you won't win here tonight,

You've made it through the direst of straits alright,
Can you help it if plain love now seems less interesting?
You haven't changed an ounce in my eyes,
And I cannot lecture you,

And does anything I say seem relevant at all?
You've been at the helm since you were just five,
While I cannot claim to be more than a passenger,

But, you've won one too many fights,
Wearing all of your clothes at the same time,
Let the good times end tonight,
Oh girl, sail her, don't sink her,
This time,

Just a moment or two from now,
Not a mind will retain even a trace,
Of the thoughts that I struggled to tell
And how our stack of cards just fell,

So settle this once and for all,
The light no longer shows the cracks around my door,
And I have no lantern to light your way home tonight,

You are not some saint who's above,
Giving someone a stroll through the flowers,
You've got so much more to dream of,
Oh girl, sail her, don't sink her,
This time,
This time,
This time.

- The Shins

This song made me smile this morning. The Shins often make me smile. So does Nestea. Considering I'm going to class, I am having a good morning. Big things to do today!

Monday, May 16, 2011

I recently mentioned to a friend that she should turn my dreams into fantasy novels. This one wouldn't be exactly fantasy, but it certainly was fantastic...

Roomie and I were locked in a vicious competition with my mother to see who could make the best Japanese candies. Mother had laid out all of her ingredients in the shape of a person, so Vee and I just stole some of hers, because we didn't know how to make the things. When she found out she was super mad and told me to go look in her cupboard for her recipe. When I was looking through her stuff I came across all these cool little sculptures and medals from her Bible school Olympics. She had one medals for high jump, baking, and sculpture and none of us had ever known. We had a weird conversation about her past, and then Vee and her boyfriend and I boarded a plane to Japan to learn how the sculptures were made. We had a layover in Germany, so we went to the airport's mall and looked at bicycles. We ran into Little Shantzy and Mike Harris, who went to high school with me, and we wandered around attempting to speak German without pissing anyone off. We found a store selling hats and checked some out. Most of them were straw hats, which annoyed me. We found a few that were super cool and tried them on. Little Shantzy bought a captain hat. Then we were looking through this hair products boutique (it was all that göt2be brand. I guess that's all Germany is to me.) and there were a bunch of tweens in there screaming really obnoxiously, so we left. Little Shantzy and Mike left then, and Danny, Vanessa and I went to see a movie. We were sitting in the theatre goofing around and waiting for the movie to start when an usher came up to us. We had scammed a few of the footstools that were reserved for seniors and he needed a few of them. Apparently a group of 7 seniors had come in to see the film and they were running short. Then Vee blurted out "Seven? That's SO MANY!!!" and Danny and I cracked up. The usher looked shocked and took our footstools and left, and Vanessa was so embarrassed that she could barely watch the movie.
That's all I remember.

Sorry to embarrass you in my dream, buddy!

My new therapist lady gave me a Social Anxiety self-help book. Isn't that what I'm paying her for? Lame!

Older sister is visiting in 2 days. Fun times! I hope...

Saturday, May 7, 2011

I slept till like noon today. It was awesome. I don't really have much to report. I've been working and reading Les Miserables and kinda generally messing around with life.

I failed my popuation ecology course. My dad wants me to switch to a different program, but there's nothing that really interests me. Suggestions are welcome...

Monday, April 25, 2011


I'm currently picking through the book of that title written by Blaise Pascal, who is the inventor of the mechanical calculator and probability theory. A very clever man, in short. This book is mostly a collection of snippets he jotted down on bits of paper that were his thoughts about life. It's his blog! I want to quote it here because something especially stood out today as I read it on the bus to Guelph. So here you are.

We never keep to the present.We recall the past; we anticipate the future as if we found it too slow in coming and were trying to hurry it up, or we recall the past as if to stay its too rapid flight. We are so unwise as to wander about in times that do not belong to us, and do not think of the only one that does... The fact is that the present usually hurts. We thrust it out of sight because it usually distresses us... The past and present are our means, the future alone our ends. Thus we never actually live, but hope to live, and since we are always planning how to be happy, it is inevitable that we should never be so.

I like this idea, and the book fleshes it out a bit more. I don't necessarily understand how one is really supposed to live in the present. Always being preoccupied with the things right here and right now seems pretty impossible. As a general rule, the present cannot take up all my brain power. Example: driving a car requires like 5% of my brain, and the rest is off doing whatever it likes.

I want to make something of an effort to be more mindful in that sense though. It will help me worry less if I'm not constantly in another place with my mind. So that's a nice goal.


Saturday, April 23, 2011

It's really truly summer now, I guess.

Time is supposed to fix a lot of things, but I've always been slow to work through issues. I just want to get the right answer to things which have no right answer. It's like those dastardly multiple choice questions which ask for the BEST answer. Well blessed if I have an clue about how to deal with this.

Medicines are helping in the sense that I can't obsess about things if I'm asleep. 10-15 hours a day is just frik-tarded.

I am glad for humans in the Elmira region this summer, though. Good books and good adventures, I hopes.

I wish I knew how to get myself not to give a crap about certain things/people. I would get so much more important obsessing done with the free time it allowed me.

Bed time, bed time.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

It's a ridiculous time to be awake, and I'm not sure what to do with myself.

It is bewildering to me how chemicals can influence the way I see the world so drastically. I know that I am little more than a deposition of chemicals, but I suppose it's hard to really believe that. I still don't think I do believe it.

Belief is such a frustrating game. I am much better with hypothesizing. That way, if I am wrong, I can easily revise and move forward. I do think that belief is integral to the human mind if we wish to accomplish anything ever. Beliefs are what I would define as our "first principles", the points from which we base our assumptions and from whence we may take the necessary logical steps to form opinions on anything. We need beliefs to make decisions because they are the framework for what we value and understand of consequences. I think that may be why I am always so unsure of myself. I have a lot of opinions, but they change according to who I am talking to. I think this may be because instead of real beliefs supporting them, I have only hypotheses, and there's no point losing friends over something so trivial.

I have slept so much these past two days, it is ridiculous. I'm going to sleep some more now.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Level up

As in dosage. As in the super fun "antiobsessional" medicines.

I don't know what kind of difference the drugs have been making. If anything I've felt more depressed since starting them. Less panicky, but also less happy. Nothing exhilarates me the same way.

I don't really have much else to say, except that I might fail a few courses this semester and I'm not too upset about it. It's all meaningless anyway.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

It's been a while. Hah.

I woke up this morning at 7, all proud of myself for actually attending my last Poppy Co (Pop Eco (Population Ecology)) class. I arrived at school around 815 to find the classroom entirely deserted. Apparently they went ahead and cancelled class today. That was ok though, because I thought I had an assignment for the same class due today. I went online to check and discovered that it's actually due on Saturday. So now I am awake and not wanting to work on anything. Hurrah for blogging and downloading films!

I would like to mention the album The King is Dead by the Decemberists. It's my favourite album of 2011, and I believe it will be a tough one to top, even though we have most of the year yet. Here is an excerpt which I particularly like this morning.

June Hymn
Here's a hymn to welcome in the day
Heralding a summer's early sway
And all the bulbs all coming in
To begin
The thrushes bleating battle with the wrens
Disrupts my reverie again

Pegging clothing on the line
Training jasmine how to vine
Up the arbor to your door
And more
You're standing on the landing with the war
You shouldered all the night before

And once upon it
The yellow bonnets
Garland all the lawn
And you were waking
And day was breaking
A panoply of song
And summer comes to Springville Hill

A barony of ivy in the trees
Expanding out its empire by degrees
And all the branches burst to bloom
In the boom
Heaven sent this cardinal maroon
To decorate our living room

And once upon it
The yellow bonnets
Garland all the lawn
And you were waking
And day was breaking
A panoply of song
And summer comes to Springville Hill

And years from now
When this old light isn't ambling anymore
Will I bring myself to write
"I give my best to Springville Hill"

And once upon it
The yellow bonnets
Garland all the lawn
And you were waking
And day was breaking
A panoply of song
And summer comes to Springville Hill
And summer comes to Springville Hill

- The Decemberists

I am so very excited for the summer. Certain humans are going to be back in the area after being off in the Frozen North for school, and there will be hikes and cigarettes and chats and possibly a few drinks. I'll be working a lot, of course, which is sad. But hurrah for money!! There will be siblings and their spouses visiting from the West. There will be camping. There will be the trip to Arizona. There will be theatre fun. There will be a lot of rock climbing.

I am also looking forward to tomorrow evening, which is the birthday of the Best Roomie in the World. Going out to the CT and having some good musics with some good people :D

I've been dreading this summer a little, because I'm not familiar with my situation. I'm not going to be in Elmira much. I know I've said this before, but I love Elmira. It's familiar and reassuring. If I'm ever going to move to Africa I better get used to being adaptable. I need to learn how to be happy even if I'm not totally sure what's going on, whether or not I have someone I know near me. On my own I am still a complete human being and I need to start functioning like that.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Some days I'm ok with being alive where and how I am. Today was one of those days.
I had a lovely evening out last night with the young adults group from the church I go to. We had mad airsoft-ing for like two hours and it's the first time I've felt comfortable in a group of people my own age for a very long time. I did say some things which I now wish I hadn't, but I'm doing what I can to move past that.

Today I went grocery shopping (yay food!) and watched internet tv with the roomie, and then went to my invertebrates lab and had a weirdly fun time with the guy who sits across from me, just goofing around. I made two new facebook friends and went rock climbing with my rock climbing buddy.

And now I'm sitting here eating banana chips and delaying my studying. I have 12 hours till one exam and 19 hours till another one. I suppose I'll get cracking.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Lieutenant-General Roméo Dallaire

I shook hands with him this evening. It's one of my favourite days of my life.

He was speaking a the University of Waterloo on the future of humanity and the social and political challenges that our generation faces.

It makes me love Africa again to hear him speak. There was one slide he put up of the Ntarama Church Genocide Memorial (if you want to be sad, Google images that) and it brought back this rush of sadness and desperation and conviction that I had when I was standing there looking at the rows and rows of lives destroyed by hate. It was a mix of nausea and heartache, and suddenly I want to try again. I want to help. I want to love people.

The things I do with my life can matter. Finally, something that is not meaningless.

The Lieutenant-General has beautiful eyes, too.

I will fall asleep thinking about Ntarama tonight, and that is a good thing.

Hugh Jackman

I discovered today that when people google Hugh Jackman, somewhere in the 6,440,000 results is a link to my blog.

That is all.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

I had mentioned that I had more to say. Nothing of lasting value really, but just news and thoughts as per usual.

In the past few weeks since my parents have been in Florida I've been able to go to a Bible study with people my age at the church I go to. I've enjoyed it much more than I anticipated, but now that my parents are coming back I won't be able to go anymore. I won't be able to go to church either, because now I work every weekend, and probably every Sunday. It's just kind of disheartening to make all that painful social progress and then it's all for nothing because I can't see those people any more. Grar.

The job thing has me in a right state. I start this Sunday morning and I'm panicking a tiny bit about the people issue. I'm just gonna keep reminding myself that I know how to deal with these people and that smiling is helpful in all situations.

There have been a lot of high school students kicking around the university for tours the past few days. If only I could warn them...

I am happy to have nice weather again, I suppose. I'm a bit scared of the spring, because I'm in a social position that is unfamiliar. I don't know what I'll be doing over the summer aside from working, and it's scary to think that I actually might just not have friends to be around. I'm avoiding thinking about it, of course, but the therapist lady keeps telling me to plan ahead and that I need to organize things so that I'm not isolated. I just really don't wanna right now.

On the brighter side of life, our Wildlife Nutrition professor is a spectacularly good human being. Robo-Kitty is good company. Spring is finally FINALLY here, and even if I have nothing to look forward to particularly, the warm weather will cheer me up.

Happy Green Day!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

So time passes and it's another Wednesday. This week has been busy and I haven't felt up to much of anything but sleep. I'm drinking a coffee now to psych myself up for anxiety group but after my presentation this evening I'm looking forward to just crashing.

On to music time!

New Music: Friday by Rebecca Black. This song is just so irresistibly cute and catchy! Love!

BAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!! Just kidding! Hoooooooooo man. What a terrible song!

For seriously now: For What It's Worth by Buffalo Springfield. This, you should note, is new to me, but is an old song. It was on the Forrest Gump soundtrack, which I recently listened to properly for the first time. Enjoy the relaxing sounds of the past.

Also new to me: How You Like Me Now by The Heavy. This song just rocks so magnificently. This is a live performance, which I usually disapprove of, but the guy is really an entertainer, and it sounds almost the same as the recording. And in response to your question, sir, I like you a lot now.

Old Favourite: Airplanes by The Local Natives. I found this band when I was trying to look up the song Cecilia by Simon and Garfunkel and these kids did it better than the old pros themselves. This summer I bought their album from iTunes and it's probably one of the best albums I've ever heard. This song and World News are my favourites, but the rest are on my list of top 100 songs as well. Just close your eyes and think of someone you miss.

Canadiana: American Woman by The Guess Who. Canada actually pwned at music during the '70s, but no one had really figured it out. I just love this song. I love hearing it on the radio and singing along at the top of my voice. That guitar riff? Mmmmmmmmmmmelt into a groovy little jellyfish.

HodgePodge: The Sea by Final Fantasy. Some people have expressed derision for this artist, but I will not be moved from my love for him. He's a poet, and those don't come around often these days. (I'd like to interrupt this message to let you know that my coffee tastes like cigarette butts. Ick.) His lyrics are true, and his orchestration makes me happy outside and sad inside. My other favourite of his is Peach Plum Pear.

Don't Stop by Fleetwood Mac. There's no way to listen to this and be really sad. It's made my tear up a few times over the past few months, but in a good, "I'm not gonna give up" way. "It'll be better than before. Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone."

I have more to say, but I've got to scurry off to my anxiety group thing. I'm gonna try to remember to jot down a few things before the weekend.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Wednesday Musics!

On a Thursday again. Hah. This one was at least planned and started on a Wednesday. I've been thinking about a few of these for a while. Ok! Here we go!

New: Paper Scratcher by Blind Melon. I actually just found this one on my iPod this morning and it made me happy. I've had Blind Melon kicking around for a while but this is just more goodness that I hadn't known before. I think it caught my mood off guard this morning. I was very happy about the spring time.

Good times: One by One by The Black Seeds. I find that whenever I feel like crap these guys pop up on my iTunes shuffle and they make me smile no matter what. This is actually Bret Mackenzie before Flight of the Conchords and I have no idea which I like better. This is just good feeling all the way through. Also, an actual music vid!

Canadians: Sweet Things by Danny Michel. I thank Stuart McLean for this, as for so many other things. This man is just like musical Cheerios: reassuring, delicious, and inherently healthy! He's never made a bad song! The album this is from sounds like a glorious camping trip. I like this song especially because of the nostalgia thing it has going on. (I can't find the album version! Sadface! This live one will have to do but SRSLY you gotta find the album one.)

Old Happies: Bloody Well Right by Supertramp. Funkiest song in history. End of story. (I apologise for the ABOMINATION of a video. If you don't already have this song on your iTunes I suggest you put it there without clicking play on this youtube vid. I want to slap the youtube community for not posting a better version.)

Nobody Knows Me At All by The Weepies. I found this through Esther, which is funny because generally I'm the one that likes 'sad' music and she likes 'happy' music. Hurrah for opposites though because this song is so very nice.

I declare this terrible video week. I promise it won't happen again.

Today was a good day. I got to make a lot of beautiful graphs.
Two medical appointments tomorrow.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Please Note:
If you are planning to read "To Kill A Mockingbird", make sure it is during a time when you have a few hours to think it out afterwards.

Maybe this phenomenon is peculiar to me, but I get so absorbed in books that they actually affect me more than the majority of real-life experiences. It's because I completely forget my own existence when I'm reading; all that exists is the world in the book.

I've read "To Kill A Mockingbird" before. It was a long time ago and I had a lot of the characters and events confused. I didn't re-read the whole thing again, but I got all the events straightened in my mind. Atticus Finch is, in my consideration, a perfectly constructed character. He isn't only an ideal, like Javert in Les Mis or Esmerelda in Notre Dame, he is also a human. Somewhere at the bottom of my mind I know I believe he's real.

I can't really think of anything else to say. The world is stupid, beautiful place, and for the first time in a few weeks I'm almost happy I'm part of it. Less grar, more sigh.

*Edited to add*: Every time I make food and it is edible, I feel like some sort of Olympian. Frik yes this cheese bread will destroy your mind and you'll thank it!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Music Suggestion Day!

I'm gonna try to do this every week on Wednesday. That's not going to be entirely reliable (observe that I'm writing this on a Thursday), but I'll do what I can. I will try to include something that is new to me, an old favourite, something Canadian, and a few other treats that I think are of note at that time. Because there is no really splendid way of getting these to your tasty little ears, I'm going to embed Youtube vids for all of them so that you can listen straight from the page.

Here we go!

New to me: Upside Down by Paloma Faith
I had actually been introduced to this chickie by a friend of mine a while ago, but she didn't really catch my fancy at the time. This song, however, I found on my wee sister's iTunes and it's so darn catchy that I couldn't resist it. Her voice is a bit tokenly weird, but I like the artistry a lot.

Old Fave: Baba O'Riley by The Who
There's nothing in all the world that rocks quite like this song. The construction of the music alone is a marvel. The sentiment behind the words is what always makes me smile, though. Don't worry, it's only teenage wasteland :)

Canadians: Political by Spirit of the West
This could just have easily been in the "New to me" category, because I just heard it this morning on CBC radio 2 (three cheers!). I was caught off guard by it. I was expecting twangy horrible Canadian country-ness, but this is what I got. It's a sort of British/Canadian/folk kind of mixture, and I like the story. Also, this man is reassuringly good at singing!

Stuff I just plain like: Sweet Dreams by Eurythmics
This song is just everlastingly catchy. If it doesn't make you wriggle with dancy-ness, then I'm afraid you're a robot. Simple. I was going to post the music video but then it sucked, hah.

White Knuckles by Ok Go
This is a weird little walnut here. On one hand, Ok Go has never made anything of lasting musical notice. On the other hand, they aren't abominable, and their music videos are 100% entertaining 100% of the time. They trapped me on Youtube for a day just watching and re-watching their music videos. This one is the cutest, but I don't know about the best.

My Girl Bill by Jim Stafford
I could really do a whole separate section for musical comedy. I've always loved songs that make me smile or laugh and this man is truly awesome at what he does. I know, however, that it's not everyone's cup of tea. The video makes the whole thing a bit awkward, IMO. Some other comic musicians that I especially like include Ray Stevens, Flight of the Conchords, and Tom Lehrer.

Ok so I'm going to go to bed now. All that music hunting has made me happy.

Monday, February 28, 2011


My severe mood swings frustrate me. On Saturday I was happy as a... whatever... and now I feel like crap.

I know it's partially due to the cold I've got and that I didn't sleep well and going back to school sucks and so on, but I just feel so thoroughly miserable. I don't want to cheer up, even. The beautiful weather is stupid. This is all stupid.

What flipped that switch from up to down? I don't know how to flip it myself. I don't particularly care at this point. Cookies are stupid. Colds are stupid. People are stupid. Hugh Jackman is stupid. Movies are stupid.

Just crap. All of this. Grar.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

I've had a lot of fun over the past 60 hours. I had Starcraft in Starbucks and Carcassonne in Tim Hoes and Snow Leo-pards at the zoo and scotch at the Fahey's house.

I had 6 scotch and 2 beers. I am all sobered up now. I got a little tingly, but not bad at all. It was some seriously scrumtrilescent scotch.

There are a lot of people that I enjoy on the planet. What I am confused about currently is whether I judge people based on the way they are or whether it's dependent on my mood and situation. I hope it's the first option, because the latter implies that I'm not getting to know a lot of interesting people. I'm not saying I need to be less judgemental (I wholly reserve that right), I'm just saying I need to be careful about the grounds on which I judge people.

I also need to be careful about my endoskeleton project. I need to be careful that I don't separate myself from people I enjoy, even though I wish to be independent. Self-sufficiency is good, isolation is a dangerous by-product.

Fun fact: I get along much easier with people who are jerks.
Likely explanation: They put me at ease because I don't feel any duty of pleasantry or politeness to them. I am much more comfortable in my natural curmudgeonly state.

Now for sleeping. More humans tomorrow, and much homework.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Don't Stop

If you wake up and don't want to smile,
If it takes just a little while,
Open your eyes and look at the day,
You'll see things in a different way.

Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,

Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
It'll be better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.

Why not think about times to come,

And not about the things that you've done,
If your life was bad to you,
Just think what tomorrow will do.

Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,

Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
It'll be better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.

All I want is to see you smile,

If it takes just a little while,
I know you don't believe that it's true,
I never meant any harm to you.

Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,

Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
It'll be better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.

Don't you look back,

Don't you look back.

-Fleetwood Mac
On Friday I had an appointment with my therapist. She very sneakily guilted me about not going to the retarded anxiety group this past week. I did tell her why I hated it so much and the conversation took an unexpected turn.

Basically when I'm in a social situation where I am very uncomfortable (eg: room full of people my age and I don't know any of them and I'm supposed to befriend them in some capacity), I get so tense that I can't breathe properly, much less have valid mental processes. It's not even that I'm thinking "Oh noes I'm gonna embarrass myself!", I just can't think. Durr-in-headlights kind of thing (does that qualify as a pun?). That means that my actions are entirely instinctual (aka emotionally derived) and that gets me into trouble. I either say nothing (hide!) or come across as a jerk (defence/aggression). Most of the time I do like the people I meet, which is why I'm all the more panicked when meeting them. I want them to like me, but I know that my actions do not engender feelings of goodwill.

After talking through all this with counsellor lady, she suggested that I ask my doctor about some type of anti-anxiety medication. This caught me off-guard, truthfully. I figured it was something that I could just work through slowly and get better with. She thinks that if I took meds of some sort for a while, I could learn how to deal with the anxiety on a manageable scale, after which I might be able to not freeze up so terribly in situations. I see her point. It's just a bit scary to me, and I'm not sure exactly what my misgivings are.

I'm going to make a doctor's appointment tomorrow to ask her what she thinks. In the meantime I would appreciate any input on the issue.

All that being said on the anxiety front, I have managed to function in a few social situations this week. Hanging out with some theatre people and going to that Bible study again went relatively smoothly. I simply cannot exaggerate how helpful it is to have a friend in the vicinity when I'm dealing with new people. If you sometimes wonder how I describe myself as so anxious, but I seem at ease when you're around, it is simply because I am at ease when you're around.

I think this ties in to the exoskeleton phenomenon. I rely on outside influences instead of relying on inner fortifications. The endoskeleton is coming along, but I'm currently still pretty dependent on and thankful for people who hang out with me so that I can actually bear meeting new humans.

Ooh! I got my van gloriously stuck yesterday! I accidentally attempted to drive down a "No Winter Maintenance" road. I was doing fairly well until I found myself stopped in front of a 4-foot drift at the bottom of a hill. I walked a few minutes up the road to the camp where I was picking up the little sister and recruited the help of some sturdy boys. They brought out their pick-up truck and they were gonna pull me out, but they got stuck. Then the camp manager brought out the tractor to pull us both out, and he got stuck for a while too. 75 minutes and lots of manpower later and we were all on our way. Good times!

Pulled pork tonight for foods :D

Monday, February 14, 2011

I did not feel myself thirsty, but, when I had discovered this oasis, I found I had to drink and drink and drink to wash the sticky film from my mouth.

End thought.

I went to a Bible study this evening for 'young adults' (aka those between high school and marriage) which I had been both anticipating and dreading all week. It was actually fun, which I didn't expect at all. I had some nice chats with guys about Starcraft and FPS games and so on. I feel like my endeavour to befriend nerds has really begun to benefit me. Many of the people there were UofW nerd types, which was perfect for me. A few people more awkward than me, a few people less. Good things. I was able to observe and analyze instead of fighting nausea and paranoia the whole time. Got some good, helpful info on certain specimens.

Maybe if I can get through that I can also get through that stupid anxiety group thing, although it makes me want to stab my eyes out. The only differences between the two settings are that the anxiety group is a lot more like alcoholics anonymous and I have a few acquaintances at the study one and I know all the answers and I am not required to share personal information and I can be the nutty pun girl... yep. Puns galore.

I have my invert morphology and evolution midterm tomorrow and I don't feel prepared at all, although I've done a good four hours of preparation today, besides going to class and labs. There's tomorrow yet, but I feel like there is no way I can succeed. School is sadface. So is my tumbly.

Things that are happyface right now:
- Hanging out with little sister
- Getting the electric guitar stringed up tomorrow
- Staying up late for the first time in a long time
- C. S. Lewis
- Having a vehicle

I had a cup of coffee, being such a wise being, around 9pm. I don't even know if it's worth going to bed at this point, since I need to be up at around 515am to drive to Guelph and shower and then go to school at 725.

Otherwise, I wanted to mention the words of a friend who recently watched American History X for the first time a little while ago. The film has suddenly become one of my all-time favourites for its beautiful truth. Furthermore, Edward Norton gives one of the best performances known to film. Friend said that "Edward Norton is an exceptionally beautiful man, in a mystical way that goes beyond his freakishly perfect pecs." I agree with this very much. The main attraction of the character for me is not the looks part, although he is mad sexy. He has this reality, intensity, and charisma about him that I find completely irresistible.

I find that I am attracted most to qualities which I don't posses: charisma, confidence, passion, direction. Subconsciously, I believe that if a person seems like they know who and what they are, then I assume they know what's going on in this crazy universe and I want to know, so I latch onto them. This dependence, once again, is troublesome to me.

I tend to take on the shape, opinions, and styles of people I like. I am just a wind, carrying scents of all the original things which I come across. I wish very much to be a tree or some such solid entity.

Pardon the metaphors. I am full of coffee and invertebrates and my dear Mr. Lewis.
Sorry I talk about myself so much here. It's the only subject on which I have some authority.

In closing: Valentine's day is useless. I don't resent it, or feel sad that I'm single, but I don't see much point in it all, really. May those who enjoy it truly enjoy it.

And that is all.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Social Anxiety Support Group

Was freaking miserable. Do not want at all.

Lady would ask a question and no one would say anything. I hate those moments because I've got the answer in my head, or my idea, and I want to say it but I will NOT speak if no one else is. Screw that.

I was ridiculously tense the entire time and one poorly-timed blink away from crying. I thought I was gonna explode. It was almost as bad as church. I've still got a headache and the jitters and the weepies from the tension.

I am frustrated as well that the tension makes me tear-y. I hate that when communication is most critical to me it gets all screwed up by me bursting into tears. What the heck, body? Just keep it together while we talk to the nice people and you can fall to pieces all you want when you get home. Srsly.

Basically, I think the group is stupid. I was stressed out, bored, annoyed, and now I can't stop thinking about the stupid things I said.

Screw this.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

The Four Loves

I'm reading C.S. Lewis again. You all know what's coming.
I can't sleep tonight because I had a lot of coffee around suppertime, so I'm filling up some time till I get sleepy.
I'm only on the first chapter of this Four Loves book, and already I feel this peculiar rush as I read each sentence. It's like every sentence satisfies some violent thirst I didn't know I had, or that had arisen at the previous punctuation.
I'm going to put in a piece I found particularly refreshing. (Edited to preserve coherence.)

For some people, perhaps especially for Englishmen and Russians, what we call "love of nature" is a permanent and serious sentiment. I mean here that love of nature which cannot be adequately classified simply as an instance of our love for beauty. Of course many natural objects - trees, flowers and animals - are beautiful. But the nature-lovers whom I have in mind are not very much concerned with individual beautiful objects of that sort. Nor are they looking for "views" or landscapes. While you are busying yourself with that critical and discriminating activity you lose out on what really matters - the "moods of time and season", the "spirit" of the place.

It is the "moods" or the "spirit" that matter. Nature-lovers want to receive as fully as possible whatever nature, at each particular time and place, is saying. The obvious richness, grace and harmony of some scenes are no more precious than the grimness, bleakness, terror, monotony, or "visionary dreariness" of others. The featureless itself gets from them a willing response. It is one more word uttered by nature.They lay themselves bare to the sheer quality of every countryside every hour of the day. They want to absorb it into themselves, to be coloured through and through by it.

If you take nature as a teacher she will teach you exactly the lessons you had already decided to learn; this is only another way of saying that nature does not teach. The tendency to take her as a teacher is obviously very easily grafted on to the experience we call "love of nature". But it is only a graft. While we are actually subjected to them, the "moods" and "spirits" of nature point no morals. Overwhelming gaiety, insupportable grandeur, sombre desolation are flung at you. Make what you can of them, if you must make at all. The only imperative that nature utters is "Look. Listen. Attend."

I won't go on and on about this writer any more. These sensations do not have suitable adjectives.

Some Songs

They make me feel happy when I'm not happy! Maybe they will help some other people, too.

Sunday, February 6, 2011


There's a lot of things I want to do in life. I know that I have to pick one and stick with it, and I am happy with my decision to this point, but conversations today made me wish that I could choose other things, too.

Talking to the Faheys today about their organic farming aspirations made me wish I could move with them and just live on a farm forever and be happy with "the simple life".

Talking to Peter made me wish I wasn't designed for a life of single-ness. It also made me wish that I really was a purely logical being.

Talking to Heather made me wish I could get along with Christian people better. I am just altogether too much of a jerk to be let loose in a Bible study for people my own age. That being said, it looks like next Sunday I will be let loose in a Bible study of people my own age. Stay tuned for gory details, heh.

It's not that I'm very unhappy with myself, it's just that the alternative seems like a lot of fun sometimes. Living on a farm with a husband and a few friends in range feels attractive right now. I know that it's not who I am though. That is not what I'm made for. I'm made for Africa, in a tree, by myself.

I've been thinking about Cyrano de Bergerac a lot in this context. I love how strong he is, how independent, how complete. I know he is fictional, and that there is no one quite as ideal as he was, but it's something which I aspire to; "to walk in my own way and be alone. Free, with an eye to see things as they are". I don't want to be dependent on any person for my happiness, comfort, or productivity. I'm not saying that I want to always be alone and I hate people. There are a lot of people whose company I truly enjoy and their existence is a great pleasure to me. I should be able to be happy and functional without their assistance, though. That is what I mean.

Funny thing: Have not had a smoke for a week and a bit and do not miss it at all. Maybe I was less addicted than I thought.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

A few days ago, my roomie got Ivory soap for our bathroom to replace the liquid soap that ran out a long time ago (using dish soap in the interim). This evening while I was washing my hands I happened to smell it and it gave me this huge flashback. When my mother was still home schooling the pack of us, we did a project on Inuit art and each of us were supposed to make a "soapstone" carving with Ivory soap. I made a teddy bear (with considerable input from the mother, who is artistically inclined). Ben broke one of the legs off of it and I was so upset about it. Ivory soap. Hmm.

I'm having a hard time adjusting to the new way of things. Past few months have been thoroughly unpleasant. A bunch of things that I have been entertained by in the past I just can't enjoy any more. Things like Firefly, Questionable Content, smoking, scotch, Colin Firth, driving, weekends, Matt Damon, The Other Guys... etc. They just keep reminding me of how much I screwed up.

Furthermore, silly printer won't print my black and white document because it is out of magenta ink. Grr.

I need to get myself back into some sort of container. Without any restricting influences I find myself a shapeless, useless, mindless creature indeed. I used to enjoy being left to my own devices, because I had some idea about who or what I was. It turns out I've lost all that cytoskeleton, and I've been depending on some sort of external framework for a really long time. Gotta build something up that's not dependent on where I am or who I'm with. I know what I have to do. It's gonna be like a cicada moulting - getting rid of an exoskeleton.

For all you lovely people who have put up with this crazy season, I do thank you.

I watched American History X again this evening for the fifth time in the past 2 months. If anyone is ever in need of a solid cry, that is the film to watch. The King's Speech was also magnificent in that respect.

Now I'm gonna hug The Robot Cat and get to bed. Class, meetings, and shower tomorrow, in that approximate order.

A little smile before you go.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Politicians Who Are Truly Awesome

I want to say before I begin that any politician should be proud to have their name on this list. I realize that my opinion is not as highly valued as all the political analysts out there, but each of these people stand out as examples of effective, beneficial leaders. I have linked each name to its wikipedia page so that if you don't know who they are you can check them out. (Sorry the links are hard to read! Hover over them and you should be ok!)

Paul Kagame - has turned Rwanda into one of the safest, most advanced countries in Africa in the 17 years since the genocide

Vladimir Putin - Has he killed a lot of people? Probably. Has he done more for the recovery of Russia from its years of economic and political backsliding than anyone else? Also probably.

Nelson Mandela
- There's still a lot to be done in South Africa, and he really is more of a figurehead, but he has remained so dedicated in his work for the people he loves.

Barack Obama - You all knew this was coming. He is saving the USA internationally and internally, but the country is too self-absorbed to recognize how great he is.

Abraham Lincoln
- Pulling a country together after a civil war is no easy thing. Doing it with as much class and beard as he did? Nigh impossible.

Queen Victoria - Have you seen this lady's empire? Madness.

Queen Elizabeth I
- Shows how much a lady can accomplish if she doesn't have a silly man to take care of. I really admire her for pulling together a country that was at war with itself and Spain, and for not getting killed. Also, she was a wonderfully eloquent and educated person.

(Do queens count as politicians since they weren't elected? Neither of these ladies were ousted either, so that is to their credit.)

Hugo Chavez - He is outspoken, Socialist, effective, and good to his people. That is really all I ask.

Aung San Suu Kyi - She's been in jail most of her life. She was given 3 years of hard labour when some American dick-wad decided to swim to her house while she was under arrest. There's something to be said about perseverance, eh?

William Lyon Mackenzie King - Crazy smart and crazy crazy. I think he was sickeningly effective, but on the downside he is the main culprit for the navigational mess that is Ottawa.

That's all I can currently think of. I can see that there are a lot of holes in my knowledge of political history, specifically in the Middle East and Indo-China.