Thursday, January 27, 2011

A few days ago, my roomie got Ivory soap for our bathroom to replace the liquid soap that ran out a long time ago (using dish soap in the interim). This evening while I was washing my hands I happened to smell it and it gave me this huge flashback. When my mother was still home schooling the pack of us, we did a project on Inuit art and each of us were supposed to make a "soapstone" carving with Ivory soap. I made a teddy bear (with considerable input from the mother, who is artistically inclined). Ben broke one of the legs off of it and I was so upset about it. Ivory soap. Hmm.

I'm having a hard time adjusting to the new way of things. Past few months have been thoroughly unpleasant. A bunch of things that I have been entertained by in the past I just can't enjoy any more. Things like Firefly, Questionable Content, smoking, scotch, Colin Firth, driving, weekends, Matt Damon, The Other Guys... etc. They just keep reminding me of how much I screwed up.

Furthermore, silly printer won't print my black and white document because it is out of magenta ink. Grr.

I need to get myself back into some sort of container. Without any restricting influences I find myself a shapeless, useless, mindless creature indeed. I used to enjoy being left to my own devices, because I had some idea about who or what I was. It turns out I've lost all that cytoskeleton, and I've been depending on some sort of external framework for a really long time. Gotta build something up that's not dependent on where I am or who I'm with. I know what I have to do. It's gonna be like a cicada moulting - getting rid of an exoskeleton.

For all you lovely people who have put up with this crazy season, I do thank you.

I watched American History X again this evening for the fifth time in the past 2 months. If anyone is ever in need of a solid cry, that is the film to watch. The King's Speech was also magnificent in that respect.

Now I'm gonna hug The Robot Cat and get to bed. Class, meetings, and shower tomorrow, in that approximate order.

A little smile before you go.

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