Sunday, January 31, 2010

I am very sad. Very Sad.

Very Sad.

Very Lonely.

Very Sad.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Weep for yourself, my man,
You'll never be what is in your heart
Weep little lion man,
You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rape yourself,
Take all the courage you have left
Waste it on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head

-Mumford and Sons

I can't stop listening to this song. It makes me sad and afraid. The little lion man and I are similar, I think.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

How I'm happier without a TV

It's not that I don't waste time. I waste plenty of time. Just ask my youtube history.

The main reason is actually that I don't deal with advertising in that same manner: where it is constantly being thrown at me and I'm too ridiculously lazy to change the channel.

The best example of this would be Avatar (as in the film). I didn't see the trailer for it until just before I saw the movie itself. I didn't hear any hype about scale or actors or any of that crap. I showed up, watched it solely for what it was and not for any of the ads. And I thoroughly loved it.

The same goes for products in a store. I don't have anyone's tagelines or theme songs jingling away in the back of my head, so I just buy what I like. Ex: Air fresheners. Febreeze Lavender and Vanilla is my official trademark scent. I love it until death do us part.

When I don't have media moguls (other that Stuart Mclean, whom I love) shoving products at me, I feel much more at ease with the choices I make for myself.

The same goes philosophically of course. I think the last time I watched bulk television would have been on my trip to Quebec, when I had nothing much to do after about 7pm. I watched a lot of movies and shows that told me a lot of things about the world that, in my experience, are not true.

TV Lie 1) "The world is a scary place." It's not. It's quite beautiful. The reason people are scared of the woods is that they don't have an intimate understanding of how natural systems work anymore. The reason we are scared of each other is that we don't build community around ourselves in the same way we have in the past. We don't know our neighbours, so naturally we're a little shy.

TV Lie 2) "People are good on the inside." This is not a contradiction of the first lie. Imagine a room full of kids in the dark because they don't know who's touching them and they are scared. People are not basically good. They are basically selfish. I hold all of history and modern politics as exemplification of this. And the book "Lord of the Flies".

TV Lie 3) "Some people get it all figured out." Hah. Also known as "happily ever after". There is no static state of contentment. We will always be searching to improve ourselves or our situation or, at the very least, searching for novelty. We love shiny new things (like chickens!)

Anyway, I know for a fact that some of my ideas got a little mucked in this post, but I'm sure you all get the general picture. I'm happy that I'm not trying to fend off the products and ideas that the television/media industries are trying to inflict on the population.

Except I reaallly like So You Think You Can Dance (but not the auditions).

Monday, January 25, 2010

Scientifically confirmed

My subconscious is a hopeless romantic.

I had a crazy real dream that should have been a movie. Allow me to tell it to you. I should point out that this makes 3 consecutive dreams about romantic types of things.

I was at a school, but it was the holidays. Kind of like staying at a boarding school over Christmas. Some of the students were coming back again for early assignments or activities. We had a really cool day of whale-seeking.
Whale seeking was basically getting a pair of goggles and a bucket of bait fish and swimming through and unrealistically populous ocean looking for whales. I did see a cuttlefish though. It was very psychadellic. My brother's fiancee was with me (evil bible school chick) and I had to go with her because she was sick and didn't get to go with everyone else.
When we came back there were these older men that were cleaning the salt out of the school's aquarium filters. There was one old guy who looked really sad so we were suddenly friends and he gave me extra fish so that I had a better chance of seeing whales.
Anyway, the next day I was running around trying to find someone to hand an assignment to and I was suuuuper stressed because it was important. I was going to look in the basement of this old chapel when I found out there was a choir practice going on there. I was passing through when I noticed my once and future roomie (I know, whaaaa?) was in the choir. She also had a really weird solo and she did a little dance. It was a kids' song too, but I can't remember which.
There were also two really notable guys in the choir. One I knew, and he could sing really spectacularly and I could hear him stand out underneath all the female voices. The other one I just recognized as a new guy in the school. We made eye contact as the roomie was finishing up her solo and it made me squiggle inside, but I didn't know why.
Then I continued searching around the chapel for this person to give the assignment to and I accidentally came out of a door onto a walkway behind the choir. (They were all seated like movie theatre style with the back really high up so I could actually see everyone from both the front and the back.) Anyway, I had been humming to myself and as soon as I realized the choir was there I stopped. Someone finished the musical phrase though, which startled me because not many people know the song "How Could I Ever Know" from the Secret Garden. It was the new guy and we were looking right at each other.
I scampered away again.
Choir practice was over then, and I was still looking for this assignment person. I was walking up these stairs when I realized new guy was walking down them toward me. We kind of stopped when we got to each other. Then we both said hi and started talking. I completely forgot about the assignment and I didn't care that people were waiting on me in other places. The only important thing was this peculiar connection with this guy.
At first it was really weird to talk. We didn't know if we had anything in common. I knew we would get along great as soon as he said that he "had never had this kind of mystical connection to someone before." I really enjoyed the way he talked. We were leaning on a wall in the evening just talking about everything.
I enjoyed his conversation so much that I ws annoyed to wake up. I was also annoyed because I woke up at like 12 noon exactly after only 3.5hrs of sleep. Who does that?

Anyway, it is strange to me that in my dreams I am a romantic. I'm probably repressing all that in my waking mind.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

I fail at conviction to accomplish.
Why, physics? Why?

Friday, January 22, 2010

So I had my second psychotherapy session today and I suppose this is a peculiar thing to say but I really enjoyed it.
We talked about emotions and how I have difficulty identifying and expressing them. I don't have problems with the big obvious ones. I know when I'm angry or happy or scared but the reason I often feel like I'm some sort of emotionally unstable roller coaster is that I don't detect the subtle emotional stages between "just normal" and rage. She told me I need to find words for all the less noticeable stages in between and it will help. So I now haz wHeel!
I know it is weird of me to talk about emotions and so forth. It feels a little pecuilar because I'm not used to it and a little unsure. It is good for me though. Maybe I won't be so socially challenged if I can get this sorted out?

Edited to add: My mother just told me (only a day late) that my brother's fiancee had the second baby yesterday! Her name is Elora, no middle name yet, and she's all healthy and stuff. Apparently though Monique had like blood transfusions and and mad problems and nearly died. But she is ok now. My mother didn't seem too concerned, which is kind of worrisome to me....

Monday, January 18, 2010

From now on...

I will:
Not be on Facebook until Vanessa caves and asks for her password.
Drink more H2O
Actually do my homework
Listen to the Beatles even more
Attempt more stuff like this!

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Your Advantage

I'm super annoyed because a song I super love and recently bought from iTunes just turned up as the single of the week and is therefore free to download. Augh! 99cents that i could have saved!

This means, however, that I can tell you to go to the iTunes store and immediately download Charlie Winston's "In Your Hands"

Soooo funky. Sooooo delightful

Friday, January 15, 2010

This has been coming for a while

It has nothing much to do with how I feel at the moment.

We stand, as a species, on a very thin membrane. This veneer we call society; a veil called civilization that we pull over the basic animal to try and make something more of ourselves. Our highways and cities scratched into the patient earth do not comfort me. Walking along this road I hear the prehistoric demons of the trees whispering behind the curtain. Their shadowy voices pierce my armour of science and education.

Into the spaces in my coat fly the wind witches. Their skinny fingers pick and pull at every seam and they whip sand at my eyes. Their whispers spill into my brain. What right do you have to walk along so safely? How dare you try to protect yourself against nature! Do you believe for a second that you are any less an animal than the shivering fledgling or the cowering mice? Throw off this shameful pretence of enlightenment. It is nothing but a mulish refusal to realize that one day you too will die. We, the wind witches, will carry away your ashes, and the earth will suck up your bones, and you will not be any longer.

My mind pushes out the wind and seeks Shakespeare. "What a piece of worke is a man! how noble in reason? how infinite in faculty? in forme and mouing how expresse and admirable? in action, how like an Angel? in apprehension, how like a God?" (that's from Hamlet). I see the wind push against the houses on the edge of a field. The skinny, witchy fingers do not reach the smiles within. The tree demons scream from their receding forests, but the cars that drive among them don't turn, and they don't tremble.

I step off the hard road onto the earth and it bends to cushion me as it bends to cushion the footfalls of a fox or a rabbit. The earth will love her animals. I want to apologize for so selfishly wearing shoes. I do not think the earth is our mother. A good mother would punish such abusive children for the destruction and willful ignorance. The earth is our grandmother. She watches our lives sorrowfully and quietly, wishing we would change but loving us too much to ever refuse us anything. Our mother died so long ago that we don't remember her; every war we fight amongst ourselves is just pissing on her gravestone.

It is day now. The snow and the wind are off doing their thing somewhere else. Just me and the sun now. I smile at him. He smiles at me. He smiles at everyone. He is a jolly old man, a friend of Grandmother Earth. He lives too far away to see what we've done to her. All he hears of us is the stuff she tells him. "Look, that one wrote a story about me!", or "This one loves my trees. How lovely." He just smiles away at us a bit blankly. He forgets his youth now. He also forgets he is old. He has no days to cut up his existence; he exists statically and constantly and forgetfully. It is alright, dear Sun. I will still smile at you, old man, because you are good company to our long-suffering Grandmother, and you will smile back although you don't recognize me.

Daylight is falling away. As nature breathes sighs of relief, our cities light up. Every street light is a defiant torch. We will NOT be good and go to sleep. We want to drink our lattes and listen to our rock and roll and read our books and go on with our lives. We don't want to cave in to this natural weakness, this restfullness that comes with the night.
Pity our belligerence, all you natural beings. It started because we wanted it, but we can't stop now. We are too scared to turn off the street lights because of the trees we have killed and the animals we have killed and all of ourselves that we have killed.


Why is it that people just talk to me about stuff? I must look really interested in everything they say to get this kind of stuff from the guys at work:

Guy 1, while we were putting endless stickers on endless bags: "I think my girlfriend is cheating on me with another girl."
Guy 2, while I was working and he was talking to me: entire life story. legits. Jail time and all. and his opinion on everything from computers to his parents to relationships cetera.
Guy 3, at various times: why he hates absolutely everyone in the universe except his daughter (who is like a year old).
Guy 4, on break when I want to do homework or read: random stuff about nature, real estate, or FREAKING WILD PIGS that he's found "really unique" and thinks that I should know.

I'm not going to say I don't enjoy listening. I really do like to hear what people think. I believe however, that they're using me as a dumping station of sorts because I don't interrupt (usually) and I always passively agree with whatever they say (mostly cuz I'm not paying very close attention). So I guess it makes them feel good that someone takes the time to ingest everything they say and has the decency to look thoughtful and interested and giggle in the right spots. I think that a lot of people don't get a chance to just talk about themselves and be taken seriously and listened to in general. Maybe it's one of those things I'm supposed to do for these people because some of them have a rough time of life and it's not costing me anything (except in some instances my social comfort).

I guess this is kind of what I mean. And I seem to have a lot in common with that guy figure-wise.... :D

THE funniest single work-boots wearing smiley person just sauntered into my house. My day has been made by this most ridiculous of persons. He just had such a big goofy smile. He's apparently putting new windows in my room... I didn't know this. Where do I sleep, mom? Oh, I don't. That's nice....
Homework day!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010



Or B)

Back to School (encore)


Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

I'm actually almost enjoying today, in spite of the fact that I almost lost a finger at work and "customers only" parking lots piss me off a lot.

It is sunny though, and the snow is white and crunchy, and I am wearing a nifty hat.

I wonder if I will ever actually enjoy this life. When it isn't miserable, it's boring.

I shouldn't say that; there are some lovely things about it. Tea, for instance, and crunchy leaves and select persons and steak.

Now I will learn about Bees: Biology and Management. Chapter 1: Bees from the outside.

Monday, January 11, 2010

I have to say that my shift at work was fun.

I was working with this new guy and the Romanian guy, who is absolutely frekken hilarious. We didn't get a whole lot done because stuff kept breaking, but we had weird chats and that's really all I desire from life.

Example: We have to set aside 1 bag of pet food for the quality assurance person to look at so they can make sure we're doing everything right. I was about to send a bag on to the skid when Rom-G said something I didn't hear. When I asked him to repeat himself, he said he wanted me to put the bag on display - like a playboy bunny. I giggled like mad. Rom-G says random stuff like that all the time and he's got eyes like a loris (a bit greener), which is simultaneously creepy and awesome.

And the new guy was just annoying. He talks to me on break. Eew.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

It's been a weekend of much thought for me, and a few interesting discoveries.

I did a lot of introspection (good word!).

I also heard on CBC radio a man named Richard Kearney. He first caught my attention because he's got this lovely Irish accent and sounds exactly like Ed Byrne. In fact, I stopped to listen because I thought it was him. By the time I realized this man was a philosopher, and not a comedian (it only took like 20 seconds), he had me. Frikkity could he speak! Tremendous oration power. Also, because of various events earlier in the day, I couldn't help but listen.

I cannot easily explain why his words had such wonderful effects on me. It felt like my brain was ripped up and the words were flowing in and filling up the holes and the problems with a coolness and clearness that would heal everything it came in contact with.
And his accent was adorable.

So I kinda stepped out of life in some ways for the weekend. Now I've got to go back to work and school on Tuesday, which sucks. I'm going to try to hold some of the good weekend-ness in, and see if I can't keep the annoying weekday stuff out.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Just to reassure all those who read my last post and began to freak out:






- our dear Roald Dahl

For my own good

I need to do something this morning that worries and scares me and I might die from freaking out about it.

But, because I need answers and because I'm sick of having to hog-tie my brain every day just to get out of bed and not scare my family, I will do it.

Wish me luck, my dears. I might let you know how it goes.

*Edited to add*:
Cartilage is the weirdest substance ever.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

What I like, Who I like

I discovered a lot about my social interactions because of the New Year's Weekend.

It has lead to some changes (not resolutions!), not the least of which resulted in my buying the Baby Beluga CD by Raffi at Value Village this morning and spending the whole day hanging out with my little sister. She's cool, I enjoy her (mostly). We're gonna watch the second Night at the Museum movie tonight. I'll let you all know how it goes.

However, I realize lately that I've been sort of wallowing in this puddle of misery and self absorption which is not at all healthy.

One of the changes I've had to make is that I am not going to waste my time or energy with people that I don't enjoy. As I've said a billion times, I'm getting old, and life is short. I do not apologise to those that I won't be attached to any more. It's not that they are bad people, they're just not my people. I only have about 219,000 hours left to live, so I need to make the most of them.

I had a cool chat with an old guy in the book section in the book section at Value Village today. He was entertaining and recommended that I read the Redwall series. I suggested that he read Jane Eyre. I also found Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness in the kids' section, which confuses me. I think they just sort of threw the books wherever. I bought it anyway. Also I got Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator and The Indian in the Cupboard and Winnie-the-Pooh and The Sorrows of Young Werther and a Bob Marley CD and 2 Billy Talent abums and one Hello Beautiful album. And 3 pairs of jeans! Yeeea!

Now I have to clean stuff and wait for my parents to go away so the little one and I can crank some music and make pasta and poke around on Mystery Google. That's a good kid for you eh?