Friday, September 30, 2011

The Kids are Ultra-Violet

Somebodies fucked up kids
They're ruining everything
Tiny effervescent virulent eyes
Ripped out the sockets in the middle of the night
The night
The night
The night
The night
The night
Could have been some kind of chemical reaction
Could have been the drugs I don't know what it could have been
Were sick of our skin but in the dark it felt nice
Were sick of our skin but in the dark it felt nice
The night
The night
The night

- Wintersleep

Standing in my driveway last night having a cigarette and an angst attack, this song popped up on my iPod. I shut my eyes and listened as hard as I could, it felt so good in my messy brain.

Then my Cargill peeps said they were going out for the one girl's birthday, so I met them at the bar and we all hung about until 2AM.

Conclusion: I like to be by myself but I like other people too.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Every time I am in this class I get so irritated that I could slap everyone, and particularly this guy sitting on the far side of the class who is always blathering about what he did in the experiment, blahblahblah. The profs are always trying to herd us towards an expected answer to a question, but never give us decent clues on what they're looking for. It doesn't help that I've never had quite enough sleep.

Ooh,one of my profs published something cool! I won't bog you down with the paper, but here's a news article on what he's working on. He's actually my program advisor and boots buddy.

I've had a crazy few days with writing papers and visiting with crazy uncle and drinking coffee. I'm reacquainting myself with a state of being that was inaccessible to me while I was on drugs: loopy yet vaguely functional tiredness. I'm kind of enjoying this return to my 'normal' self. Some new friends, who have never seen me like this, may be put off. I am doing my best to be comfortable in myself and confident that some people will probably still think I'm alright even though I'm a little bit weirder than they had originally anticipated.

So I will return to the class discussion and attempt to figure out what to poop the silly profs are on about.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Med-less Day 1

I don't feel any different. This is good?

Sunday, September 18, 2011


Give me some loving
'Cause I've been thinking about dying
Under heavy snow

Give me some shelter

And make this better
Before I get old

Give me some sweetness

And help me beat this with thunderlove
That shakes the doubters
Who whisper secrets with lightning lungs

And I shout timber because I am lumber falling down

- Ohbijou

I'm going off my meds now. Expect 4-10 texts a week about wanting to photosynthesize or how much school sucks when you have a cow in your brain.

Monday, September 5, 2011


Definition: a person who was born before.
I found one.

This crazy old man I've met and befriended at the hostel has been strangely enlightening to me. He is 61 and homeless. He has $30 in emergency stamps for food until next month. That, a frozen chicken thigh, the clothes he wears, and $3.75 are all he posesses. He's had a crazy life of abuse, turmoil, poverty, education, travelling, drugs, and I can't imagine what else. I have never met someone (other than my own Grandmother) who had so much information locked in his head.

It's truly inspiring to see someone at that age who is cheerful in spite of what life has handed him, and who is generous with all he has in spite of how little it is. He offered me half of his chicken and I nearly cried.

If, to defeat greed, we all need to end up like this rebel angel (copyright Robertson Davies), this wild, deranged guru, then I support it.

Here is to the foretaste of my future, when I will be generous and guiltless. I will be poor and pure.