I've been pretty useless the past two days. I downloaded a game from my childhood. It's called Pharaoh. It's like an Egypt-themed version of Roller Coaster Tycoon or a type of Age of Empires without any wars. Thoroughly addictive. I haven't played Bejeweled in a few days!

I'm thoroughly addicted to smoking now though. I had to steal one from my roomie this evening because I haven't had the money to buy any myself. Smoked the whole thing in under 2 minutes and nearly fell over.

Either there is something wrong in my brain that I am trying to shush up via distractions and nicotine, or the distractions and nicotine are destroying my brain. Only therapy can tell. I start back on the 4th. I really want it to help. The name of the counsellor is Kathy, unfortunately. That does not bode well. Very few Kathys are helpful people. I already know one who is great, but finding 2 good Kathys in my limited acquaintance is statistically improbable.

I did my stats exam this evening. Besides the fact that I spent the entire day and night before the exam focusing on Egypt instead of studying and I left my crib sheet on my kitchen table, it went well.

What am I doing with my life? I'm freaking useless and a spineless psycho bitch. I wouldn't mind so much if any of this made me particularly happy.

I'm probably angsting so much because of my impending lady issues. Does the fact that I'm ragingly hormonal negate all of my present perceptions of the universe?

Going to a party with humans at it tomorrow! I looking forward to it! Need a costume though. Still not sure which scotch I want to bring. Maybe I'll bring both and drink the yummy stuff myself and use the rest to befriend people (because who doesn't want free scotch, right?).

I need to get back to Elmira soon though. It smells so good there this time of year. Need to go see Lynn and Doug and Jemma and try to get my life back onto some sort of track. Without regular exposure to old people I sabotage my own life.

The thing that annoys me most about this blog is how much I talk about myself. Count the number of "I"s in it. Revolting.

Severe book angst attributed partially to The Kite Runner and a little bit to the fact that I've had damp feet since about 3 this afternoon.

I think The Kite Runner is a very good book. I do not like it.

I am spying on people to make myself feel better. The one person I'm spying on is aware of my creeping. He is teaching a chick math. He is very good at communicating. High five, sir.

Christmas is starting!I saw festive things at the mall today and it heightened the angst.

I read Fifth Business this past week and there was a small blurb about how Jesus is a god for youth. I am looking at an old gentleman right now, and I think I know what Davies meant by that. Melancholy is not an ailment of the young.

Replacement mothers are not easily enough accessible here. Rrrrr...

Goodbye Blue Sky

Did you, did you see the frightened ones?
Did you, did you hear the falling bombs?
Did you ever wonder why we had to run for shelter,
When the promise of a brave new world
Unfurled beneath a clear blue sky?
Did you, did you see the frightened ones?
Did you, did you hear the falling bombs?
The flames are all long gone
But the pain lingers on.
Goodbye, blue sky.
Goodbye, blue sky.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.

-Pink Floyd

It will be remembrance day soon, which is one of my favourite days. Not in the "hurrah killing people" way, more in the "this day actually means something" way. I appreciate it.

That being said, it is nearly winter. I miss all the leaves on trees. Especially this one tree outside the science complex. It had yellow leaves in the centre and red leaves on the edges, so that it looked like it was being lit up from the inside.

Wind is a spectacular beast, isn't it? Cities don't have the sheer strength of it, but what they lack in gusto (pun totally intended) they make up for with interesting choreography. All the corners and buildings and corners of buildings make lovely wind-shapes and throw leaves around ever so nicely.

Rain is also a good thing. Goodbye, Blue Sky.

"Sitting on the dock of the bay"
Kinda how I'm feeling right now. I'm sitting on the breezeway floor at my Elmira house. I have my shoes on. I like these shoes. $1 at Bluenotes. Velcro.

I went to a party tonight, at which I was given full bartending duties. Now that I've found my calling in life, it will be much more difficult to continue on my chose path, heh. I just like being referred to as the Goddess of the Spirits. Also, I can do the 30 second customer - Goddess interaction easily. I didn't have to mix and mingle at the party, which was a relief.

I am very happy for replacement mothers. I haven't seen one of mine in almost a month now, and I miss her a lot. This whole license being suspended thing is annoying, to say the least.

I have a lot of homework due tomorrow. I do not feel overly motivated to do it yet. Crap. I'll panic soon.

Africa. Tree. Africa. Tree. Africa. Tree.
Soon.

Screw you, George Clooney.
Screw your miraculous talent and silvery foxyness and your sincerity.

I cannot abide the fact that Sudan has been in a state of turmoil for years, and people will only notice when Mr Clooney goes there and says that yah, it's bad, we should do something.

Screw you, George Clooney, for your effectiveness. People should love people without your endorsement.

I still think you're a magnificent actor. Maybe that's why you can tell us what to do so well. You've devoted your life to the embodiment of other characters. You're sitting there, the incarnation of gravity and commitment and compassion and dignity, and telling us that something must be done to help the oppressed in Sudan. What greater compulsion could there be?

I suppose it makes sense, our culture being so aesthetically and emotionally motivated. But I won't recant. I do not enjoy being tricked, because I know it's a trick and I know I'll fall for it every time.

Screw you.

Need to go back to Guelph and get some scotch in me.
Combination of mother and cold destroying my will to live.

Morning

I need to get up for my classes more often. Apparently all the cute, nerdy boys roam the streets between 751 and 815. Good to know.

Tutoring was an interesting endeavour last night. My student's mother, the student, and I all had a conference to decide what to do about the kid's recent attendance. Mother was kind of freaking out and kid was non-committal about improvement. So I spent an hour just setting up a plan for what we can do to get back on top of the semester (kid has missed basically all classes in the past 3 weeks). To be honest I'm not overly concerned about catching up. Kid is tolerably bright, just unmotivated. When we asked the mother to have another quick chat at the end of our session and explained what we planned to do, she was almost crying. Because she was proud or something. I guess she's been worried about her kid not graduating for a while now.

How is my stats class this stacked full of nerds? They're everywhere! You just want to ruffle their hair and saw "Awwwww, look at you flipping through your notes and typing things into your calculator!"
Cute.

I had to get up for class this morning because I told my student to go to class. It is unhealthy to tell another person to do something and not do it yourself. And I'm all about the health over here.

Smoke

I just had half of one. If I have a whole cigarette at once I am unable to walk.
Nifty conversion chart: 1 cigarette = 8 scotch

It's kind of lovely that I don't mind living in a city right now. I don't mind that I have lost my wallet. I don't mind that my rent cheque for the month bounced because I am not clever enough to get my visa billing sorted right.
Money, the city, and me. All very temporary things. Like smoke. Diffusing away to insignificance.

I am completely useless right now, and for the next 20 mins probably. I will sit on the couch and stare at nothing and pet Robo-Kitty and wait until my ability to give a crap returns.

This habit would destroy my productivity if I were going to keep it up. Fortunately, that was my last one. I have 4 Djarum Black cigarettes up for grabs. Maybe I will keep them here for visitors.

Diffusion, mmmmm...

By the sea, Mr. T...

I hope you all realize that 'Mr. T' is not in reference to the man with the mohawk. It is from Sweeney Todd.

By the sea, Mr Todd, that's the life I covet
You and me, Mr. T,
Oh I know you'd love it.

This song is perhaps the saddest bit of the film for me. Mrs. Lovett is a beautiful creation; you rarely find a character with that much depth in a musical. Stephen Sondheim was a marvellous man, and Tim Burton is spot on with his interpretation of her.
She wanted more out of life. She needs somebody to love. Poor dear.
If this Africa thing doesn't work out for me (which it better), I'm moving to Percé and writing cash fiction and walking in the mountains and sailing and riding my horse until I die. Wouldn't it be loverly?

In other news, Brooks was here. *Sigh*

I want a pet wHale. Crap. Cannot focus on work when wanting wHale this much.

Oh
My
Sweet
Liza

Having tar in your lungs can do extraordinary things to your brain.

I have taken up smoking for the week, or until I finish the cigarettes that are sitting on my fridge (I think there are 6).

I had 2 this evening, and even though I'm doing it wrong, according to local experts, they were nice. I like being outdoors and chatting and watching the smoke curl away into the darkness and I like the sudden rush of calm that accompanies a long, burning inhalation. I like the taste that these leave on my mouth (cloves, cinnamon, delicious).

I do not like how shaky my hands feel right now. To be expected from one's first nicotine, I'm told.

Every time I close my eyes all I can imagine is curls of smoke streaming out from my eyes, my nose, my lips. Just all of me smoking away into the black, and one day I will be entirely burnt up and gone.

I can't exhale enough to get all the smoke out of me.
It is there forever.
I am sorry.

As thoroughly awesome as the calm is, I don't think I'll buy another pack.
I like my sense of taste
And my hands smelling like soap and dead sharks
And my voice
And my father trusting me
*Savouring calm feeling before it is replaced with shame and I need to resort to cocaine*

It is good for now.

Mmmm, cloves.

I'm starting smoking in about... 1.5 hours!
I was gonna wait another decade with that but may as well start early on the dying thing, eh?

I am sitting with the Beatles and a nice-ish red wine (Good full flavour, but very dry finish) waiting for my smoking buddy to get to Jam Haus from Elmira.

My life is in a stage of transition right now. It is unclear to me where I'm gonna end up. When I remember to take the anti-stress stuff, it's exciting. When I forget, it's destructively worrisome. What should I learn from this?

I never thought I would end up as the smoking, drinking, skanking sort. It's so peacefully distracting from the universe, though. Who cares about the meaning of life, the universe, and everything when there's good music and good scotch to be had?

I'm turning into a live-for-the-moment kind of person.

I didn't take the un-stressing stuff this morning, so that fact is scaring me. What if I can never regain sight of any sort of purpose or meaning? What if I stop believing in God? What if I can't pull it together, ever, and I waste the only life I get on Facebook and crap jobs so that I can just buy things?

*Snap*! More wine! Cigarettes! Bach's 'Little' Fugue in g minor!

Goal for some time in the next year: see the aurora borealis.