Monday, April 25, 2011


I'm currently picking through the book of that title written by Blaise Pascal, who is the inventor of the mechanical calculator and probability theory. A very clever man, in short. This book is mostly a collection of snippets he jotted down on bits of paper that were his thoughts about life. It's his blog! I want to quote it here because something especially stood out today as I read it on the bus to Guelph. So here you are.

We never keep to the present.We recall the past; we anticipate the future as if we found it too slow in coming and were trying to hurry it up, or we recall the past as if to stay its too rapid flight. We are so unwise as to wander about in times that do not belong to us, and do not think of the only one that does... The fact is that the present usually hurts. We thrust it out of sight because it usually distresses us... The past and present are our means, the future alone our ends. Thus we never actually live, but hope to live, and since we are always planning how to be happy, it is inevitable that we should never be so.

I like this idea, and the book fleshes it out a bit more. I don't necessarily understand how one is really supposed to live in the present. Always being preoccupied with the things right here and right now seems pretty impossible. As a general rule, the present cannot take up all my brain power. Example: driving a car requires like 5% of my brain, and the rest is off doing whatever it likes.

I want to make something of an effort to be more mindful in that sense though. It will help me worry less if I'm not constantly in another place with my mind. So that's a nice goal.


Saturday, April 23, 2011

It's really truly summer now, I guess.

Time is supposed to fix a lot of things, but I've always been slow to work through issues. I just want to get the right answer to things which have no right answer. It's like those dastardly multiple choice questions which ask for the BEST answer. Well blessed if I have an clue about how to deal with this.

Medicines are helping in the sense that I can't obsess about things if I'm asleep. 10-15 hours a day is just frik-tarded.

I am glad for humans in the Elmira region this summer, though. Good books and good adventures, I hopes.

I wish I knew how to get myself not to give a crap about certain things/people. I would get so much more important obsessing done with the free time it allowed me.

Bed time, bed time.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

It's a ridiculous time to be awake, and I'm not sure what to do with myself.

It is bewildering to me how chemicals can influence the way I see the world so drastically. I know that I am little more than a deposition of chemicals, but I suppose it's hard to really believe that. I still don't think I do believe it.

Belief is such a frustrating game. I am much better with hypothesizing. That way, if I am wrong, I can easily revise and move forward. I do think that belief is integral to the human mind if we wish to accomplish anything ever. Beliefs are what I would define as our "first principles", the points from which we base our assumptions and from whence we may take the necessary logical steps to form opinions on anything. We need beliefs to make decisions because they are the framework for what we value and understand of consequences. I think that may be why I am always so unsure of myself. I have a lot of opinions, but they change according to who I am talking to. I think this may be because instead of real beliefs supporting them, I have only hypotheses, and there's no point losing friends over something so trivial.

I have slept so much these past two days, it is ridiculous. I'm going to sleep some more now.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Level up

As in dosage. As in the super fun "antiobsessional" medicines.

I don't know what kind of difference the drugs have been making. If anything I've felt more depressed since starting them. Less panicky, but also less happy. Nothing exhilarates me the same way.

I don't really have much else to say, except that I might fail a few courses this semester and I'm not too upset about it. It's all meaningless anyway.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

It's been a while. Hah.

I woke up this morning at 7, all proud of myself for actually attending my last Poppy Co (Pop Eco (Population Ecology)) class. I arrived at school around 815 to find the classroom entirely deserted. Apparently they went ahead and cancelled class today. That was ok though, because I thought I had an assignment for the same class due today. I went online to check and discovered that it's actually due on Saturday. So now I am awake and not wanting to work on anything. Hurrah for blogging and downloading films!

I would like to mention the album The King is Dead by the Decemberists. It's my favourite album of 2011, and I believe it will be a tough one to top, even though we have most of the year yet. Here is an excerpt which I particularly like this morning.

June Hymn
Here's a hymn to welcome in the day
Heralding a summer's early sway
And all the bulbs all coming in
To begin
The thrushes bleating battle with the wrens
Disrupts my reverie again

Pegging clothing on the line
Training jasmine how to vine
Up the arbor to your door
And more
You're standing on the landing with the war
You shouldered all the night before

And once upon it
The yellow bonnets
Garland all the lawn
And you were waking
And day was breaking
A panoply of song
And summer comes to Springville Hill

A barony of ivy in the trees
Expanding out its empire by degrees
And all the branches burst to bloom
In the boom
Heaven sent this cardinal maroon
To decorate our living room

And once upon it
The yellow bonnets
Garland all the lawn
And you were waking
And day was breaking
A panoply of song
And summer comes to Springville Hill

And years from now
When this old light isn't ambling anymore
Will I bring myself to write
"I give my best to Springville Hill"

And once upon it
The yellow bonnets
Garland all the lawn
And you were waking
And day was breaking
A panoply of song
And summer comes to Springville Hill
And summer comes to Springville Hill

- The Decemberists

I am so very excited for the summer. Certain humans are going to be back in the area after being off in the Frozen North for school, and there will be hikes and cigarettes and chats and possibly a few drinks. I'll be working a lot, of course, which is sad. But hurrah for money!! There will be siblings and their spouses visiting from the West. There will be camping. There will be the trip to Arizona. There will be theatre fun. There will be a lot of rock climbing.

I am also looking forward to tomorrow evening, which is the birthday of the Best Roomie in the World. Going out to the CT and having some good musics with some good people :D

I've been dreading this summer a little, because I'm not familiar with my situation. I'm not going to be in Elmira much. I know I've said this before, but I love Elmira. It's familiar and reassuring. If I'm ever going to move to Africa I better get used to being adaptable. I need to learn how to be happy even if I'm not totally sure what's going on, whether or not I have someone I know near me. On my own I am still a complete human being and I need to start functioning like that.