Monday, November 30, 2009

Crazy Dream!

I was watching movies at Floradale School with my mom and my sister, when it was suddenly time for me to go to work. I was on my way out when my little sister ran up behind me asking for a ride. I was going to ouer house anyway, so I don't know why I told her no. But I did. On our way up there our brakes failed and we did this crazy spin through an intersection and were only narrowly avoided by a bus. Then we were kinda continuing on when we saw a car leap off the road into our neighbours' back yard (they are an older couple). We stopped to ask them about it and thy didn't seem to know anything about it. Out of the blue Esther asked them "Hey, are you guys lonely? Cuz my friend and I could come visit you." But they said they were ok.
I was going to head over to work then, and I stopped in Floradale for some reason. I went to look at something out of the car (oh yeah, I was driving the Impala) and when I came back my brother and his friends had dropped it in a ditch.
I was freaking out cuz I had to be at work and then Vanessa was there with her van at the garage getting the vaccuum fixed.
I was wandering about Floradale, which was suddenly a very hopping place. I texted my brother and he said to meet him at the bar. Esther had to wait outside as I went in to find him. Suddenly Emily texted me and was like "I see you!"
I went out and found her hanging out with this guy named Jim that I met at school last year. And he's like "I love you!"
So I go back to my car and it's still in the ditch and as I was crossing the road I see these two people riding a miniature horse and it falls over and they're squishing it. I run up and start yelling at them about how it's abusive and they said they were with Horseback adventures and that they were going to do something about it.
I was at a tourist information booth then and was trying to get the phone number for Horseback Adventures and the guy just kept handing me horse brochures but they weren't helpful.
Realizing it was like 4 am, and that my car was still in the ditch, and that my brother and his friends had gone home and that the garage was not helping me out, and that I was horribly late for work, I was very upset.
I went back to my car and told Vanessa and Emily they could go, that I would be fine. Out of the blue, Jim walks up to me with a paper that I have trouble reading under the streetlight. It's a piece of paper ripped out of a brochure that says "Proposal notice" and he wrote his name beside it. (Apparently this means he was asking me to marry him...) So I gave him a big hug. (Apparently that means yes?)
I was really starting to wonder why work and parents had not called me. I was freaking out about being late for work, so I woke up.
I looked at my phone and it was 10:49. My alarm is for 10:50. It is now 11 and I must go.

That was so weird

Work Thinks

I tend to have good thoughts at work now.
Not particularly happy, but worthwhile types of though.
Unfortunately when I get home I go directly to bed and forget everything. I have the memory span of a goldfish :)

Today, however, something stayed with me as I slept. No, it was not shirtless Jacob.

It was a character from the book I'm reading. Hard Times by Charles Dickens. I know I know, another book by dickens that will make me super angsty and miserable. Two characters, actually, have me very worried.
Louisa and Tom. They are brother and sister, and their father is known in the book as "the eminently practical". I know from another source that Louisa will be forced to marry a horrible man, and that she eventually turns into the same type of person as him, and Tom will always be miserable.

I dunno if it's good for me to be upset about these characters. My reasoning is that they are caricatures of real life. I've explained all that before.

Baaaah book angst. Knowing that it's entirely based on a fictional circumstance does not resolve the problem.

Screw you, Dickens

Friday, November 27, 2009

I want to curl up in a ball
Hidden away
Under rocks and leaves
And the merciful, melodic rain
Where not even my thoughts can find me

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Alright, my dears. I am 19 as of yesterday. I thought about it a lot. I even kind of had a psychotic episode at work because of it, but now I am ok.

I made a resolution though, while talking to Lynn and Doug at the barn:

I will never stop celebrating my brithday.
I will always take time to be happy that I'm alive
I will buy myself a chocolate bar or something, and be thankful that I can taste it.
I will do something nice for someone, so that they are also happy that I'm alive.

What is life if we won't live it and love it?
It is stupid, that's what.

I am not a collection of atoms bundled in to cells, tissues, organs, and systems.
I am a living, breathing, loving, knowing being.

I intend to continue as such.
I am what and who I am.
I will definitely continue to change and grow, but I will not stop living until I die.

And I love you all, my dears. Happy my Birthday!

It's a little late, yeah.

Friday, November 20, 2009

So I'm still sick. I don't know what malevolent beast has taken up residence in my tumbly, but it's a kinder on than has taken up residence in my social life.

I'm not going to talk about that though.

Last night my dad invited this guy over for dinner. He was around 86. All of his friends are already dead and his wife died 6 months ago. His only son lives in the U.S. so I'm thinking he's probably pretty lonely. He was really interesting though. He kept cracking zippy little one liners, which made me giggle. He was in the service during WWII. He never went into action, though. He was going to be deployed to Japan but they dropped a bomb before he got there. He had mine duty on the East Coast. In the navy I guess. He had changed the information on his baptismal certificate to get into the army a year early. Apparently they didn't even look at his paperwork when he applied. "If you were stupid enough to sign up" it didn't really matter if you were old enough. They just needed people that weren't dead.

Two things:

Heck of a life. Hat off to you, sir. Doesn't that make my drama a bit silly? I should join an army, and see how much I care about boys, who's mad at who, or even babies. Not that I care much now...

Also, I don't want to be old. Nope. Not for me.

Guessing I should sleep some more.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

rubik's cube?

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Sick day

Or night. Whatever.

I went to sleep around 1130 last night, thinking it would be a quick one because I had slept in the day and had a nap.

While worming my way from dreaming into conciousness I realized that someone was up. I heard my parents talking, which made no sense. I wriggled around in my brain a bit more trying to make it fall into place. I felt around my headboard for my cellphone but I couldn't find it. I opened up my laptop and peeked at the time. 6:16. PM? No, that clock is in 24hr time. Crap, I slept all night.

And had a weird dream, no less. Something about if I could talk for 7 minutes straight I would be entered for a trip for myself and 2 friends to Lebanon. I kept trying to find stuff to talk about and just sucking at it.

Anyway, I'm glad I stayed home from work. When I woke up my tummy still hurt and I'm still a bit tired.

However, before my family got up and noisy, I was able to memorize the first declension of latin nouns and the first conjugation of verbs. I'm pretty durn proud of myself.

Agricola laborat. The farmer works. Oh yes he does.

I still need to listen to a track of that Greek cd, but that's only like 5 mins.

I feel like I'm finally accomplishing something worthwhile. This is the stuff I want to learn, and I'm actually able to motivate myself to learn it. If language skills were bombs, I could rule the world. Thats how I feel right now, anyway.

I hope you all have beautiful days full of hope and wonder.

Saturday, November 14, 2009


They upset me.

Do all people's relationships wind up like this? As soon as no one is listening then they are blaming each other for stupid things and arguing about decor and never are willing to listen to each other.

It's started to be about the weddings now (my brother's and sister's).

My mother gets all sulky and whiny and acts like a 12 year old if she doesn't get her way.
My father "knows" he's always right and is very patronizing.

I'm like them both.
And it upsets me.

I want to live in a world of books, where fights always have endings and people always have reasons and the same crap doesn't claw away at you for years and years until your mind is cut into a billion little pices that don't fit together right anymore. The longest a book will haunt me is a day or two, but then I read something happy.

I just want to sleep for a couple months, wake up in a sunny field with someone I love (and who loves me, and just wander around the planet holding hands.

But I have work tomorrow.

And my mother is sulking.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

I am sad.
I don't know why.
I was sad when i went to work last night.
And then i got happy when i was there
And i was happy when i was home in the morn
And now i am sad again.

This is tiring

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

My brothers in the ground
Weep for their lives
Their sobs turn to poppies
So I will not forget

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Spontaneous overtime. My soul is ouch.


Hurrah for newly discovered old things!!!
I've known about the author O. Henry (pen name) for a while. My dad read me a story by him when I was a kid. The other week when he went to B.C., my dad got a big collection of his short stories and I'm reading them at random.

THEY ARE SO GOOD!! They are super light-hearted in the Stephen Leacock sense. They're nice to read cuz I know I won't burst into tears at work and cause my coworkers endless confusion. I'm a fan! Also, I had never heard a woman riding a bicycle compared to a sack full of angry cats slung over a clothesline.

O. Henry has also reaffirmed my theory that American literature is obsessed with happy endings (Steinbeck is an exception who makes me want to cry after reading like 1/2 a page). All of Henry's stories pan out so nice and jolly for everyone.

Maybe that's why, in spite of my malevolent tumbly, I'm feeling thoroughly groovy.

I'll have to quote more O. Henry. And eat more Oh! Henry.


Monday, November 9, 2009


I don't like 'em, as a rule.

But I got chicken nuggets from McD's and a really awesome iTunes shuffle out of this one, and a really awesome talk with Lynn, my barn manager.


I suspect I might just be in a good mood, but I don't really know.

So yay monday :)

Saturday, November 7, 2009

the ROM

As in the Royal Ontario Museum.

I went with a bus load of people from my parents' church to see the Dead Sea Scrolls and I had a lot of fun! Allow me to outline the day

I got home from work around 745 and showered and so forth and we got to the church (from whence we were leaving) at like 9. The bus ride there was unpleasant because we were sittling 3 to a seat and i was like falling into the aisle.

We got to the museum and everyone was supposed to go on a guided tour through the scrolls but my little sister and I got bored and took off. We went through the exhibit ourselves and then got delicious soup and hot chocolate in the café.

Then we went and saw the China/Japan/Korea exhibit and the biodiversity one and the gems/minerals one and the Rennaissence/European history one and the dinosaurs.

We met up with our Asian friend and went through the China exhibit again. It was a little more funny the second time.

We then located the best exhibit in the place! It was this big monument carved all over with the names of museum sponsors and it looked like a chunk of stone but when you touched it it would light up where you touched. We played with it for half an hour and almost missed our bus.

On the bus ride home, the weirdest thing happened. I was talking to people, which is weird in itself, but something even stranger happened. I was, for about an hour, popular. Everyone was listening to what I said and laughing at my jokes and wanting to talk to me. I know this is probably a weird thing to point out, but it is highly peculiar. I'm not a centre of attention person, really. I was able to sort of get past my shyness and talk to people and it worked out nicely. This is encouraging and worrying. I'm encouraged to do it more because it seemed like I wasn't a social retard. It's worrying because I don't want to be the type of person who likes to be the pinnacle of every situation and blathers away over top of everyone because she is the "most important". Frik, though, it's awesome when people listen to you. It's better than caffeine.

Maybe that's why people have always loved to be popular. The world makes more sense now.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Nov. 5

Remember, remember the Fifth of November
The Gunpowder Treason and plot.
I see no reason why the Gunpowder Treason
Should ever be forgot.

Is remembering things actually important? You can't change the bad times and you can't bring back the good times.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Remembrance Day

In honour of Nov. 11, I'm rereading All Quiet on the Western Front by Erich Maria Remarque .

I think it's one of the best anti-war arguments in the world.

I also think you should read it.

Monday, November 2, 2009


Because I don't make them at new years, I made one last night.

I will go today and buy a planner, and it will contain my life, and I will abide by it in all areas of planning and commitments.

Aka: if you want to hang out, you're gonna need an appointment!

"How does Thursday lunch sound?"
"Can you swing that before you fly to Munich?"
"I'll pencil you in."
"Have your people call my people."
"I like those jammies ;)"

Sunday, November 1, 2009


I had fun!
Especially when everyone finally got there, and in spite of a particular someone's presence.

I'm pretty sure I've hurt someone badly, and they might never trust me again. I feel bad about this, but I've already explained why it is the way it is. I hope this person understands that although I didn't behave ideally, everything is still fine. I wouldn't change the decisions I made if I could. I helped, if you can believe that.

Sorry to everyone else for directing this post mostly to someone specifically. It's not regular blog protocol, but it was necessary.

I get to hang out with camp ppl yaaaaaay!
And I have lots of candaaaaaaaay!