Tuesday, August 31, 2010

All it is

So, you're feeling old today
You're ancient now, you say
Oh oh, well, 25 is not exactly dying age

Still, you'd like to be alone
To spend your time at home
Catching up on all those things
You've missed since you've been gone

Well, we all know where this leads
A day turns into three
Soon we haven't seen you around
For weeks and weeks on end

So, you're feeling slow today
Like nothing that you say
Comes out right
'Cause you've been saying things
You don't mean all day long

Still, you'd like to be alone
To spend your time at home
The steel wares and the bears will keep you company
When you are gone
And this is all, and this is all it is
And this is all, and this is all it is

-Kathryn Calder

Monday, August 30, 2010

"And it rips my life away but it's a great escape."
"Godspeed Mother Nature. Never really wanted to say goodbye."
"Sweet confusion will be my only child."
"Cold lines connect my hot eyes to my jawline."
"Smiles awake you when you rise."
"In peace I will lie down and sleep,"

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Being angry makes me less sad.

Getting money makes me less angry.

In these ways it is good I worked last night. Apparently I get better tips when I'm sassy. I think I will use this information to my advantage.

It's my last shift at Tim Hoes tonight. I am relieved, but resenting the 9 hours I must spend in that place and the fact that a good friend will be in Guelph and partying without me.

There was a man on the bus last night who infuriated me. He was only talking to the woman so that she would know stuff about him. Not listening, waiting for his turn to talk.
The urge to walk up to him and tell him that he bothered me was barely suppress-able.

Question: If a stranger walked up to you and said that they didn't like you, would you care at all?
I would be sad, but it would in no way surprise me. I have been know to go out of my way to be less like-able.

Friday, August 27, 2010

I watched Leaves of Grass today, in my endeavour to watch every film the Edward Norton has done.

Once again, he was spectacular, and he played two characters. Double spectacular.

The film was about a bunch of drug dealing hicks. It made me sad.

I will now go to work. I am sad.

I also watched The Knight's Tale again. What was best about Heath Ledger was his hands. He had lovely hands.

I am not creepy. I am sad.

*Edited to add* an existential crisis. I am a carbon based structure that is slowly evapourating. So is Robo-Kitty. He is truly enviable in that he is unaware of his return to entropy. Ignorance must be blissful, because awareness is a bit crap really. I think I am in love with my cat.

I am sad in a whole new way!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010


I am critter-sitting for my friend Amie today. She is gone to visit her great-grandmother in Niagara Falls.

I like this farm very much. Other than the fact that my lovely new socks are matted with cat hair, it is a good place to be.

I was pretending to be grass earlier. Highly therapeutic. Having roots would feel nice. Always connected to the earth, always deep in the dark, cool dirt. Photosynthesizing would be terrific. Absorb light -> Have energy! I want thylakoids.


And then I went for a walk and climbed a tree and spied on Amie's horses. They are pretty beasties.

The middle class is a difficult place to live and to leave.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

I think the stalkers in the world deserve some credit. It's not easy finding out everything about a person without ever introducing yourself and engaging in conversation and remaining entirely on the friendly side of the law. Not easy at all.

I had a long hard think today (while I was supposed to be working out other things) on telling the truth. It's something I generally have trouble with, and one of the few things that I'm honest about is how much I lie. I am aware and vocal about the fact that I misrepresent myself and that I find joy in misleading people in almost any fashion.
It has always interfered with certain aspects of my life, not the least of which would be my sanity, my relationships, and my religious 'convictions'.

I am aware that it is a problem I need to deal with. It is just very difficult to convince myself to stop when so many people seem to be enjoying the lovely mythologies.

I will have another solid think (Winnie-the-Pooh style!) over this later this week. Maybe I will reach some momentous conclusions.

Meanwhile, I will stage an inquisition into why my school is saying I didn't give them money when I most certainly did.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Thursday, August 19, 2010


I've just thought of this now.

I watched Blood Diamond again the other day. The film usually causes me to mope for a minimum of 12 hours, and make some sort of guilt-induced change to my life. I always appreciated that about the movie and myself. It's an indication that I am (medically speaking) human, right?

This time none of that happened. Movie was over, went right on with conversations about bacon and horses and didn't mind at all that there are over 200,000 child soldiers in Africa.

I've gotten used to it.

One more fraction of the tenuous emotional connection I have to humanity has been sent to cryo for processing...

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

I enjoy people watching in Williams.
I like seeing people being honest with each other. This is an honest place. Sincerity is a wonderful, strange thing to see on someone's face.
I'm actually here to study for my biochem exam on Friday, if you must know. I don't generally just hang around and creep strangers in coffee shops.

Actually, I do, but I like to have others with me when creeping is my primary purpose.

I'm looking forward to autumn. Fall is the best season. Prime temperatures, you're still excited about school, all the lovely rain and leaves are around, and you feel a year older. I always subconsciously level up my age on the day of the first frost.

School this semester is going to be ok I think. I'm going to be in Statistics, Vertebrate Structure and Function, Developmental Biology, Introduction to Aquatic Environments, and Nutrition.

3/5 of those are actually of interest to me, and only 1/5 is going to cause me severe existentialism and panicky-ness.

I am happy there will be my people in Guelph again. There are specific ones whose absence I will feel, though. Why I has no transportation device? Want bus service to KW from Guelph. Sigh.

Back to biochemistry. An oddly entrancing science. Biology is really just applied chemistry, which is applied physics, which is applied math.
If only the universe were that simple.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Morality is Problematic

At what point did humans learn to tell the difference between should do and want to?

Mark Twain said that people don't do what they believe is right. They just do whatever they want and apologize later.

I think people (or 'normal ones') have an innate sense of right/wrong/justice. They just choose to ignore it whenever it conflicts with what they believe is 'right'.

In the attempt to be abnormal, I have effectively barred myself from ever getting certain things I want. This makes me a bit unhappy.
How do I change what I want to what I should want so that I can be (as all good things are) conflict free?

I know how to change these things, of course. I'm a thoroughly lazy person, and self-improvement is generally not high on my list of things to get done.

Conclusion: I won't stop following the rules just because they impede my happiness. I'll just be underlyingly angsty until I get it sorted. I will get it sorted someday, I think. There are methods.

*Edited to add*: Quote previously attributed to Mark Twain was actually from Bob Dylan. Apologies. He was a dirty old man anyway.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Driving back to Guelph in the Sunshine

Just made me sad. Is there something wrong with my brain?
Sunshine = happy, right?
Apparently not.

But it made sense at the time.
You know the top end of Reid Woods road, between Northfield and Arthur St., where it is all surrounded by trees and fields and wonderful Southern Ontario-ness?
I love that place.

I don't know if I will ever accumulate the same feeling of being at home and in tune with a place like I have with Elmira. I suppose that makes me scared to really leave it.
Being out there in the sunshine and trees and fields and road made me miss it. I know I want to move to Africa and be amazing, but will I be at home there? Will I love the earth itself there?

Also, screw you doctor with your medication. I have been having wild emotional spazz outs all day. I blame the pills entirely. And sad movies.

Also, I must go to work and smile at people all night. I dislike fake smiles.
Do you think they would let me go home if I burst into tears for something ridiculous?
yay road trips!
boo broken, whistly windows and decisions
yay sleep!

Saturday, August 14, 2010


It's all gonna be worth it because someday I will have money that is not from my daddy and I can live in tree of my very own with a cat but not Robo-Kitty he will be dead then but the cat I have will be awesome as well because it will be worth a lot of money and people will look up in the tree where I live and see the expensive cat and think that I am important and worthwhile and then I will be able to say to them that they are wrong and stupid and they will laugh and say that I am right and cool and then they will keep on being wrong and stupid but maybe I won't be right either because I'll be so old.

Hurrah for 2 year old children and the stories they tell.

On with exams

Monday, August 9, 2010

My iTunes is conspiring against me. Keeps playing songs that I can't turn off. Can't do homework during them either.

Suggested song of the day: Airplanes by Local Natives

It sounds like we
would of had a great deal to say
to each other.
I bet when I leave
my body for the sky the wait
will be worth it.

I'm in this terribly morose mood. It led to a full day of napping. It is hard to care about things when I have my brain in this way. Owen Pallett is not helping.

Nothing to do, nothing to do
Living rent-free is boring me
Got no use for my PE Degree
Got no use for my pedigree

I feed you every morning and ask so little
Hedi Slimane
But you belittle all the work that I do

And Agnes B
When you take that walk without permission
I'm not content
I'm not defensive, I'm just saying this cause I love you
I'm not content
You know I hate it when your friends are in the pool
Donna Karan
Old money stinks, send those faggots back to Forest Hill
And Kara Saun
Contentment? What contentment? I am bald and impotent
I'm not content
Is that what it's about? Oh honey, honey, shut your mouth
I'm not content

But I have friends who phone me, so maybe I will swerve out ok.

Thursday, August 5, 2010


The Peanut Butter and Honey sandwich is a beautiful thing indeed.
A comforting mix of stability and excitement.
It is a logical expansion of the idea of bread.
The question is whether I believe bread exists.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Times that are home

Reid Woods road in the summer. Car windows down, music drowning out everything else.

Highway 7/8 in Kitchener in the wee hours of the morning.

Arthur St in Elmira in the evening. Wandering with humans.


Trees, when it's rainy-misty-foggy-quiet.

Guelph apartment when I get home from a night shift to find my cuddly Robo-Kitty.

Guelph apartment when roomie and I sit and listen to music or jam.

My piano in Elmira when it's dark, no lights on.

Music naps.

Calvin's parents' house with loads of people in it, watching a film.

Grade 12.

Lying on an overcrowded air mattress, looking at trees.

Sunday, August 1, 2010


It is strange to me that my sisters are so different. In fact, none of us have all that much in common, although the wee one and I get along very much better than the elder and either of us.

The elder is just kinda volatile. She flips from giggly to raging in the space of a second. In that sense she is difficult to mess with because once she has decided things have gone too far by her standards she just makes everyone else around her miserable. This habit of hers makes life tense because the young one and I (and partially the father) are all about joking and being annoying and so forth.

The younger has a blog!
It is fun! I'm hoping she will keep it up. She drives me nuts sometimes as well, but mostly from the fact that she likes being in people's space, and I thrive on having no one in my space. I've been incapacitated most of today with lady problems, and she made my soup and a hot water bottle (which burnt my tummy pretty badly). I was thinking that she was going to be a nice sister when she thought it was a good idea to just sit down and pester me until I threatened to choke her. She giggled her little face off and walked away. What a weenie.

In other news, DnD tomorrow! Yay! And on Tuesday back to Guelph for tutoring and giving Robo-Kitty hugs and shopping. Somewhere in all this I need to fit in studying for exams. Should I just quit Tim Hortons and try to make it work with the tutoring and work from my dad? That would make exams much easier. Hmmm...
It is more or less impossible for me to have a conversation with my parents about my friends or lifestyle that doesn't end up with me feeling rather offended.

Do I really come across as that type? Do you honestly suspect that of me? If you do, please have the decency to tell me that in a way I can refute. You could ask almost anyone I know and they could attest to my complete lack experience/fun in the drugs/alcohol/sleeping around department. Well... scotch is the exception.

I must say that this trip home has been profitable. My father is setting up a blog for his business, and I will be responsible (and paid (quite decently)) for its upkeep. Once it's running I will invite you all to see it, because it's gonna be verr pretty.
As a side effect of this, I will be able to quit Tim Hoes i the fall! Hurrah! No nightshifts or angry customers or awkward coworkers!

I'll be in Victoria Park for the afternoon with most of my family. Feel free to text!