Sunday, September 26, 2010


Wasn't so bad.
I do love cousins. They make weddings a decent occasion. My uncle was nice enough to drive me back to Elmira tonight so that I can have a lovely sleep by myself in the Elmira house and a nice day with people tomorrow before I'm back to school for the horrible week.

I wish I could introduce more people to my uncle. He's a skinnier, taller, dance-y-er version of my father.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

listening to music in public

I really enjoy it, now that I have iPod

Makes for some awkwardness.
How do people repress dancing impulses? Bob Sinclair crops up on the shuffle and I need to dance NOW! Of course the only moves are the mashed potato and the mime (compliments of the wee sister) but I like to move it move it anyway.

I miss listening to musics in the van while driving places. I like to sing along at the top of my lungs. Even if I can't melodize I am happy.

I'm really avoiding thinking about the wedding this weekend. Why would he...? Not gonna even try to sort that out. The fortunate thing is that She likes me and trusts me, so I will be permitted and encouraged to visit when they are off and away. Dishonesty has its perks. I do love my brother, so if that means being polite to Her then so be it.

Mmmmm, the Temptations. I haven't gone puddle jumping in a while. I'm always burdened with electronics when I'm outdoors, so I get annoyed at rain. This pattern is unhealthy. Less electronics! After this weekend, because I will need them to distract me from the fact that I'm stuck in a wee hotel room with my fambly.

Funny thing: enjoy individual family members with only 2 exceptions. 71.4% of my family is enjoyable. But the crowd of them all together destroys me. It may be just human overload. Either way, I am not going to be home for Christmas this year. My mother may rant, and my father may guilt, and my sister may whine, but I will not do it. If I need to tell them I'm going to Africa and then actually just stay in Guelph then so be it.

Linkin Park will always be one of my guilty pleasures. And Greenday. Reminds me of my childhood, when I didn't have such severe repression issues.
"Just blue like him, inside and outside"

Need to kick parents out of Elmira house for a while this winter and have mad dance party with wee sister.

Oh and I'm gonna be having dancing lessons with my Pauvre starting in November! Mad fun stuff!!

I bought nice shoes for wedding this week. I haves no money left. I do have my brother's credit card that has a 12000$ limit...
There are a few people in the world that I cannot screw over. As attractive as it is to know their PINs and passwords and banking info, I can't do it. The guilt would actually kill me. Ben is one of those. My father is another. If my mother gave me her credit card I would buy myself food and books for school. The problem with my father is that he is attached to my mother.

I need to go back to therapy and get this mother crap off my mind. It's becoming unhealthy, how much anger is generated by her. Also I like my therapist.
Maybe I just need to go visit Lynn and Doug at the barn. And hug a kitty and a horse and be done with it.

Bubble wrap. I want bubble wrap.

"Won't you take me to a funky town?" Yes Pseudo Echo, I will. Anything for you, my groovy early 90's friends!

Lab time! I get to stick probes into inappropriate animal orifaces. Prepared to be violated, fishie me love!

Sunday, September 19, 2010



Mine has spent the last 3-4 days locked in the guest room, brooding and watching films.

Akira (my niece) asked me today where my mother was. I said she's sleeping. Then she asked me where her mother was.

Turns out you can't explain to a two-year-old that their mother is too bipolar and paranoid to want to be near her. You can't say that her mother might disappear and not ever come back.

I said that I didn't know.

I need to take up cursing and smoking and brawling and assorted drugs. Maybe I will not be so angry then.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


In class just now.
My prof is kinda annoying. This class progresses too slowly. I hate the introuctory classes. Those first 2 lectures where you talk about why the course is important and the history of the science.

We are reviewing the probability of being a male AND dying...

(After class now)
Dear readers: we have a problem.

I like statistics. What did we learn today? That being a guy sucks! On the Titanic (still discussing that example), the probability of being a male and dying was 79%, while the probability of being a female and dying was 27%. Hermaphrodites were not mentioned...
We made pretty Venn Diagrams!
Also, being a child was no great advantage. Suckers.

This is truly problematic. The courses have enjoyed so far in uni have been physics and statistics. What can this mean? I was never meant to know these things! I'm an arts student at heart, with a computer-y brain (did I mention I'm now addicted to CSS code? It's sexy), and ambitions in biology.
What should I doooooo?

I shall continue to pursue my chosen course until I am hit with some metaphorical bricks.
There we go.
In the mean time, statistics notation is glorious. Lots of brackets and primes and so on that ACTUALLY MAKE SENSE BAHAHA.

I am sorry for those who don't share my excitement. I am empowered and caffeinated and I saw a cute boy wearing a Pink Floyd shirt in class.

Aaaaahhhhhhh Pink Floyd. Song of the day: Fearless

You say the hill's too steep to climb
Climb it.
You say you'd like to see me try

You pick the place and I'll choose the time
And I'll climb
That hill in my own way.
Just wait a while for the right day.
And as I rise above the tree lines and the clouds
I look down, hearing the sound of the things you've said today.

Fearlessly the idiot faced the crowd
Merciless the magistrate turns 'round

And who's the fool who wears the crown?
And go down,
in your own way
And every day is the right day
And as you rise above the fear-lines in his brow
You look down, hearing the sound of the faces in the crowd.

*Insert magical guitar playing*

Is life good? Or difficult? Or confusing? Or exciting? Or useless?

All of it. Delicious.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Call me paranoid but...

I think the guy at the table across from me in the library is watching me covertly. So I'm watching him covertly back.

I think my family is going to explode soon. So I'm hiding in Guelph and keeping up contact with my little sister.

I think I'm never going to get where I want to be in life. So I'm lowering my standards accordingly.

I think some people I respect are disappointed in me. So I'm convincing myself they have no right to decide what is best for me.

Yah, probably paranoid.
Quick! Lie to myself and ignore the implications via youtube!

Friday, September 10, 2010

Some days my father actually restores in me a sense of appreciation for my family.

I came home from Guelph and my dad was sitting on the couch. We talked about the retarded stuff going on with my brother's fianceƩ and his children and the topic moved to the fact that everyone likes to think that they are a nice, reasonable human and that everyone else is clueless.

He's been having trouble with a person he's interacting with through his business. The guy called him an idiot behind his back and cost him somewhere between 7000 and 25000 dollars. This guy is apparently just spiteful and wants to cause trouble. So my father, being a rational, modern business professional, wants to fight him. *Sigh*. As much as I think it would be a good thing for this other human to get beat down, it was necessary to talk dad out of it.

Then we listened to Pink Floyd on Youtube. Funnily enough, my mother likes them. She thinks they were 'ahead of their time', not just madly drugged up. Anyway, it is good to notice that my parents can recognize good musics, even if they choose not to listen to it.

My older sister called on Skype then. She's out in Calgary on her 'honeymoon'. She's looking for a job, with no luck yet, so she stays in their apartment all day by herself while her husband is at school. My dad's analysis of the situation? "You're a sex slave, Omi! BAHAHAHA...."

I gave him a high five and am now pleased to be his descendant.

*Edited to add*: My dad is now reading the wikipedia on Pink Floyd. Ain't life grand.
Also, I'm quitting lying. If you catch me, smack me, and expose my falsehood to those I fed it to.
It's really the only way I learn: painfully.

Reason for this: don't bloody ask.

Frekken family and paranoia and the law.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

First day, First class

Developmental Biology.
"This course deals with the development of animals. It considers how a single fertilized egg gives rise to hundreds of different cell types, how these differentiated cells are organized into tissues and organs, how the growth of cells is regulated, and how an adult transmits the instructions for making an organism from one generation to the next."

Sounds like a frekken ball. I am grumpy from having less sleep than I wanted. I feel like a six year old that is being told to do something it doesn't like. Don't WANNA!

I am glad I got here early. Looks like it's gonna be a super full class. Imay even need to sit next to people :P

Professor has an impressive beard. I should ask him where he got it.

Imma pay attention now...

So I actually ended up not paying attention. It's ok though. He just went through the course outline and told us what we would be learning in each lecture. So I half paid attention and giggled every time he said 'gonads' and listened to Pink Floyd.

I can't decide which album I like most of theirs. I think it's either Wish You Were Here or Piper at the Gates of Dawn. Like them in completely ifferent ways, of course, but they are both terrific.
Goal of the week: listen to all the Pink Floyd on my iPod. aka: entire discography. Hurrah! If I speak with a dorky accent for the rest of my life you can blame this.

So I'm actually kinda glad to be back in Guelph. I get to see my Robo-Kitty and cook supper without the interference of childrens. My Elmira house/family is so screwy right now that it's difficult to be there. I want my own vehicle so that I can visit my assorted associates in Waterloo region without needing to see my family.

Now then, I'm going to go to class, focus on school and the things that make me happy. Enough of this middle class whiney-ness.

Things that make me happy (A Revised list)

Specific humans (if I talk to you, you are likely included in that term)
Classic rock
Alone time
Foods that are not vegetables
Apple electronics (Do not whine at me. I will hurt you. They are pretty and I can accomplish anything I wish to efficiently)
Graph paper + sharpie pens
Jack Johnson

I think that's a decent list for now. If I ever get annoyingly depressed, refer me back to this list and tell me to grow up.

Off to Aquatics class! Less like aquafit, more like fishes.

Sunday, September 5, 2010


This is the 400th post in this blog.

I just browsed back to the oldest ones and am ashamed to note that the spelling is less than perfect. And I had so much pride in that :(

Something I'm realizing more and more that the prouder you are of something, the more likely you are to wreck it. Sunday school should have taught me to expect this in some way. Pride going before a fall and all that.

Is it sad that I'm finally learning why all the lessons they taught me at ages 4-10 are actually true? I've always known the right answers to questions like "Who is Jesus?" and "Should you do drugs?" and so on. In grade 5 my sunday school teacher hosted a quiz: me against the rest of the class. I won, and I was very proud of it. It turns out now that I entirely fail at following the rules I know. Even things that are not rules, but encouragements are getting me down: "since we have a Great High Priest who rules over God's people, let us go right into the presence of God, fully trusting him."
But that's not how life works! Stop being so bloody nice! Cannot deal with this sort of forgiveness.

You can live 10 years longer and not get a day wiser, better, older.

Friday, September 3, 2010



Definitely drank way too much last night. Throwing up, patchy memory, lack of balance, (lack of disgression), so forth. Let's just go ahead and say that's not happening again. Children, remember to EAT before consuming alcohol.

Fortunately, I had the best people in the world making sure I didn't get hung over or pregnant.

Tummy is still a little pissy about the whole situation. Tea!

And, on the insistence of several respected humans, I will take a shower.

My brother drove me back to Guelph today. He took a very scenic route, heh. But I do not resent driving through the countryside. How am I going to leave Ontario? I do love this nature.

I'm taking the week off from bad decisions. If anyone is interested in hanging out, minus any liquor or felony, I would welcome it.