Monday, February 28, 2011


My severe mood swings frustrate me. On Saturday I was happy as a... whatever... and now I feel like crap.

I know it's partially due to the cold I've got and that I didn't sleep well and going back to school sucks and so on, but I just feel so thoroughly miserable. I don't want to cheer up, even. The beautiful weather is stupid. This is all stupid.

What flipped that switch from up to down? I don't know how to flip it myself. I don't particularly care at this point. Cookies are stupid. Colds are stupid. People are stupid. Hugh Jackman is stupid. Movies are stupid.

Just crap. All of this. Grar.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

I've had a lot of fun over the past 60 hours. I had Starcraft in Starbucks and Carcassonne in Tim Hoes and Snow Leo-pards at the zoo and scotch at the Fahey's house.

I had 6 scotch and 2 beers. I am all sobered up now. I got a little tingly, but not bad at all. It was some seriously scrumtrilescent scotch.

There are a lot of people that I enjoy on the planet. What I am confused about currently is whether I judge people based on the way they are or whether it's dependent on my mood and situation. I hope it's the first option, because the latter implies that I'm not getting to know a lot of interesting people. I'm not saying I need to be less judgemental (I wholly reserve that right), I'm just saying I need to be careful about the grounds on which I judge people.

I also need to be careful about my endoskeleton project. I need to be careful that I don't separate myself from people I enjoy, even though I wish to be independent. Self-sufficiency is good, isolation is a dangerous by-product.

Fun fact: I get along much easier with people who are jerks.
Likely explanation: They put me at ease because I don't feel any duty of pleasantry or politeness to them. I am much more comfortable in my natural curmudgeonly state.

Now for sleeping. More humans tomorrow, and much homework.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Don't Stop

If you wake up and don't want to smile,
If it takes just a little while,
Open your eyes and look at the day,
You'll see things in a different way.

Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,

Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
It'll be better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.

Why not think about times to come,

And not about the things that you've done,
If your life was bad to you,
Just think what tomorrow will do.

Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,

Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
It'll be better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.

All I want is to see you smile,

If it takes just a little while,
I know you don't believe that it's true,
I never meant any harm to you.

Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,

Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
It'll be better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.

Don't you look back,

Don't you look back.

-Fleetwood Mac
On Friday I had an appointment with my therapist. She very sneakily guilted me about not going to the retarded anxiety group this past week. I did tell her why I hated it so much and the conversation took an unexpected turn.

Basically when I'm in a social situation where I am very uncomfortable (eg: room full of people my age and I don't know any of them and I'm supposed to befriend them in some capacity), I get so tense that I can't breathe properly, much less have valid mental processes. It's not even that I'm thinking "Oh noes I'm gonna embarrass myself!", I just can't think. Durr-in-headlights kind of thing (does that qualify as a pun?). That means that my actions are entirely instinctual (aka emotionally derived) and that gets me into trouble. I either say nothing (hide!) or come across as a jerk (defence/aggression). Most of the time I do like the people I meet, which is why I'm all the more panicked when meeting them. I want them to like me, but I know that my actions do not engender feelings of goodwill.

After talking through all this with counsellor lady, she suggested that I ask my doctor about some type of anti-anxiety medication. This caught me off-guard, truthfully. I figured it was something that I could just work through slowly and get better with. She thinks that if I took meds of some sort for a while, I could learn how to deal with the anxiety on a manageable scale, after which I might be able to not freeze up so terribly in situations. I see her point. It's just a bit scary to me, and I'm not sure exactly what my misgivings are.

I'm going to make a doctor's appointment tomorrow to ask her what she thinks. In the meantime I would appreciate any input on the issue.

All that being said on the anxiety front, I have managed to function in a few social situations this week. Hanging out with some theatre people and going to that Bible study again went relatively smoothly. I simply cannot exaggerate how helpful it is to have a friend in the vicinity when I'm dealing with new people. If you sometimes wonder how I describe myself as so anxious, but I seem at ease when you're around, it is simply because I am at ease when you're around.

I think this ties in to the exoskeleton phenomenon. I rely on outside influences instead of relying on inner fortifications. The endoskeleton is coming along, but I'm currently still pretty dependent on and thankful for people who hang out with me so that I can actually bear meeting new humans.

Ooh! I got my van gloriously stuck yesterday! I accidentally attempted to drive down a "No Winter Maintenance" road. I was doing fairly well until I found myself stopped in front of a 4-foot drift at the bottom of a hill. I walked a few minutes up the road to the camp where I was picking up the little sister and recruited the help of some sturdy boys. They brought out their pick-up truck and they were gonna pull me out, but they got stuck. Then the camp manager brought out the tractor to pull us both out, and he got stuck for a while too. 75 minutes and lots of manpower later and we were all on our way. Good times!

Pulled pork tonight for foods :D

Monday, February 14, 2011

I did not feel myself thirsty, but, when I had discovered this oasis, I found I had to drink and drink and drink to wash the sticky film from my mouth.

End thought.

I went to a Bible study this evening for 'young adults' (aka those between high school and marriage) which I had been both anticipating and dreading all week. It was actually fun, which I didn't expect at all. I had some nice chats with guys about Starcraft and FPS games and so on. I feel like my endeavour to befriend nerds has really begun to benefit me. Many of the people there were UofW nerd types, which was perfect for me. A few people more awkward than me, a few people less. Good things. I was able to observe and analyze instead of fighting nausea and paranoia the whole time. Got some good, helpful info on certain specimens.

Maybe if I can get through that I can also get through that stupid anxiety group thing, although it makes me want to stab my eyes out. The only differences between the two settings are that the anxiety group is a lot more like alcoholics anonymous and I have a few acquaintances at the study one and I know all the answers and I am not required to share personal information and I can be the nutty pun girl... yep. Puns galore.

I have my invert morphology and evolution midterm tomorrow and I don't feel prepared at all, although I've done a good four hours of preparation today, besides going to class and labs. There's tomorrow yet, but I feel like there is no way I can succeed. School is sadface. So is my tumbly.

Things that are happyface right now:
- Hanging out with little sister
- Getting the electric guitar stringed up tomorrow
- Staying up late for the first time in a long time
- C. S. Lewis
- Having a vehicle

I had a cup of coffee, being such a wise being, around 9pm. I don't even know if it's worth going to bed at this point, since I need to be up at around 515am to drive to Guelph and shower and then go to school at 725.

Otherwise, I wanted to mention the words of a friend who recently watched American History X for the first time a little while ago. The film has suddenly become one of my all-time favourites for its beautiful truth. Furthermore, Edward Norton gives one of the best performances known to film. Friend said that "Edward Norton is an exceptionally beautiful man, in a mystical way that goes beyond his freakishly perfect pecs." I agree with this very much. The main attraction of the character for me is not the looks part, although he is mad sexy. He has this reality, intensity, and charisma about him that I find completely irresistible.

I find that I am attracted most to qualities which I don't posses: charisma, confidence, passion, direction. Subconsciously, I believe that if a person seems like they know who and what they are, then I assume they know what's going on in this crazy universe and I want to know, so I latch onto them. This dependence, once again, is troublesome to me.

I tend to take on the shape, opinions, and styles of people I like. I am just a wind, carrying scents of all the original things which I come across. I wish very much to be a tree or some such solid entity.

Pardon the metaphors. I am full of coffee and invertebrates and my dear Mr. Lewis.
Sorry I talk about myself so much here. It's the only subject on which I have some authority.

In closing: Valentine's day is useless. I don't resent it, or feel sad that I'm single, but I don't see much point in it all, really. May those who enjoy it truly enjoy it.

And that is all.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Social Anxiety Support Group

Was freaking miserable. Do not want at all.

Lady would ask a question and no one would say anything. I hate those moments because I've got the answer in my head, or my idea, and I want to say it but I will NOT speak if no one else is. Screw that.

I was ridiculously tense the entire time and one poorly-timed blink away from crying. I thought I was gonna explode. It was almost as bad as church. I've still got a headache and the jitters and the weepies from the tension.

I am frustrated as well that the tension makes me tear-y. I hate that when communication is most critical to me it gets all screwed up by me bursting into tears. What the heck, body? Just keep it together while we talk to the nice people and you can fall to pieces all you want when you get home. Srsly.

Basically, I think the group is stupid. I was stressed out, bored, annoyed, and now I can't stop thinking about the stupid things I said.

Screw this.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

The Four Loves

I'm reading C.S. Lewis again. You all know what's coming.
I can't sleep tonight because I had a lot of coffee around suppertime, so I'm filling up some time till I get sleepy.
I'm only on the first chapter of this Four Loves book, and already I feel this peculiar rush as I read each sentence. It's like every sentence satisfies some violent thirst I didn't know I had, or that had arisen at the previous punctuation.
I'm going to put in a piece I found particularly refreshing. (Edited to preserve coherence.)

For some people, perhaps especially for Englishmen and Russians, what we call "love of nature" is a permanent and serious sentiment. I mean here that love of nature which cannot be adequately classified simply as an instance of our love for beauty. Of course many natural objects - trees, flowers and animals - are beautiful. But the nature-lovers whom I have in mind are not very much concerned with individual beautiful objects of that sort. Nor are they looking for "views" or landscapes. While you are busying yourself with that critical and discriminating activity you lose out on what really matters - the "moods of time and season", the "spirit" of the place.

It is the "moods" or the "spirit" that matter. Nature-lovers want to receive as fully as possible whatever nature, at each particular time and place, is saying. The obvious richness, grace and harmony of some scenes are no more precious than the grimness, bleakness, terror, monotony, or "visionary dreariness" of others. The featureless itself gets from them a willing response. It is one more word uttered by nature.They lay themselves bare to the sheer quality of every countryside every hour of the day. They want to absorb it into themselves, to be coloured through and through by it.

If you take nature as a teacher she will teach you exactly the lessons you had already decided to learn; this is only another way of saying that nature does not teach. The tendency to take her as a teacher is obviously very easily grafted on to the experience we call "love of nature". But it is only a graft. While we are actually subjected to them, the "moods" and "spirits" of nature point no morals. Overwhelming gaiety, insupportable grandeur, sombre desolation are flung at you. Make what you can of them, if you must make at all. The only imperative that nature utters is "Look. Listen. Attend."

I won't go on and on about this writer any more. These sensations do not have suitable adjectives.

Some Songs

They make me feel happy when I'm not happy! Maybe they will help some other people, too.

Sunday, February 6, 2011


There's a lot of things I want to do in life. I know that I have to pick one and stick with it, and I am happy with my decision to this point, but conversations today made me wish that I could choose other things, too.

Talking to the Faheys today about their organic farming aspirations made me wish I could move with them and just live on a farm forever and be happy with "the simple life".

Talking to Peter made me wish I wasn't designed for a life of single-ness. It also made me wish that I really was a purely logical being.

Talking to Heather made me wish I could get along with Christian people better. I am just altogether too much of a jerk to be let loose in a Bible study for people my own age. That being said, it looks like next Sunday I will be let loose in a Bible study of people my own age. Stay tuned for gory details, heh.

It's not that I'm very unhappy with myself, it's just that the alternative seems like a lot of fun sometimes. Living on a farm with a husband and a few friends in range feels attractive right now. I know that it's not who I am though. That is not what I'm made for. I'm made for Africa, in a tree, by myself.

I've been thinking about Cyrano de Bergerac a lot in this context. I love how strong he is, how independent, how complete. I know he is fictional, and that there is no one quite as ideal as he was, but it's something which I aspire to; "to walk in my own way and be alone. Free, with an eye to see things as they are". I don't want to be dependent on any person for my happiness, comfort, or productivity. I'm not saying that I want to always be alone and I hate people. There are a lot of people whose company I truly enjoy and their existence is a great pleasure to me. I should be able to be happy and functional without their assistance, though. That is what I mean.

Funny thing: Have not had a smoke for a week and a bit and do not miss it at all. Maybe I was less addicted than I thought.