Monday, February 21, 2011

On Friday I had an appointment with my therapist. She very sneakily guilted me about not going to the retarded anxiety group this past week. I did tell her why I hated it so much and the conversation took an unexpected turn.

Basically when I'm in a social situation where I am very uncomfortable (eg: room full of people my age and I don't know any of them and I'm supposed to befriend them in some capacity), I get so tense that I can't breathe properly, much less have valid mental processes. It's not even that I'm thinking "Oh noes I'm gonna embarrass myself!", I just can't think. Durr-in-headlights kind of thing (does that qualify as a pun?). That means that my actions are entirely instinctual (aka emotionally derived) and that gets me into trouble. I either say nothing (hide!) or come across as a jerk (defence/aggression). Most of the time I do like the people I meet, which is why I'm all the more panicked when meeting them. I want them to like me, but I know that my actions do not engender feelings of goodwill.

After talking through all this with counsellor lady, she suggested that I ask my doctor about some type of anti-anxiety medication. This caught me off-guard, truthfully. I figured it was something that I could just work through slowly and get better with. She thinks that if I took meds of some sort for a while, I could learn how to deal with the anxiety on a manageable scale, after which I might be able to not freeze up so terribly in situations. I see her point. It's just a bit scary to me, and I'm not sure exactly what my misgivings are.

I'm going to make a doctor's appointment tomorrow to ask her what she thinks. In the meantime I would appreciate any input on the issue.

All that being said on the anxiety front, I have managed to function in a few social situations this week. Hanging out with some theatre people and going to that Bible study again went relatively smoothly. I simply cannot exaggerate how helpful it is to have a friend in the vicinity when I'm dealing with new people. If you sometimes wonder how I describe myself as so anxious, but I seem at ease when you're around, it is simply because I am at ease when you're around.

I think this ties in to the exoskeleton phenomenon. I rely on outside influences instead of relying on inner fortifications. The endoskeleton is coming along, but I'm currently still pretty dependent on and thankful for people who hang out with me so that I can actually bear meeting new humans.

Ooh! I got my van gloriously stuck yesterday! I accidentally attempted to drive down a "No Winter Maintenance" road. I was doing fairly well until I found myself stopped in front of a 4-foot drift at the bottom of a hill. I walked a few minutes up the road to the camp where I was picking up the little sister and recruited the help of some sturdy boys. They brought out their pick-up truck and they were gonna pull me out, but they got stuck. Then the camp manager brought out the tractor to pull us both out, and he got stuck for a while too. 75 minutes and lots of manpower later and we were all on our way. Good times!

Pulled pork tonight for foods :D

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