Friday, November 28, 2008

I had a feeling in the back of my head that this person was going to understand. Person would be interested, like me, in exploring universes and photons of thought. Unafraid to look for the whys, the hows, the whats; bringing new thoughts of their own also.
I had this feeling, or maybe all along it was only hoping.
That's why it was so much more disappointing to find an inflexible mind. Person, why can't you at least try to look at the whole picture.
There's more to life than the internet.

I had hoped you would agree.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008


My tummy hurts and I've lost my roomie.
Blue like jazz is the best book ever written.
I dislike res and the girl with the unfortunate voice.
If I could choose a cause to dedicate my life to, it would be love.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love.
I heard a girl sing that song at a concert this past August. She has this amazing, clean sweet voice, and I loved it!
But how does one dedicate one's life to a cause. I don't have any particular skills that would make me useful for the promotion or organization of anything.
Donald Miller wrote that if you believe in something, like really believe it, then people will listen to you because they think you have something that they don't. And what you have is belief.
I want to believe in love (you know the type I mean) like that. So much that people I know can't help but believe in it, or at least want to.
It's the only thing that there's just too little of.

Now for a thrilling game of Find-the-Roomie

Friday, November 21, 2008

New Feature

Just to the right at the top I added a box to post the latest news stories from BBC. World news.
They're really interesting. I like to be up to date on what's going on in the world, and it's really good if you like intelligent conversation. The BBC is by far the most reputable source for global news.
Enjoy if possible.


That's what the world is.

They threw a puppy off of a 10th storey balcony.

Who does that? It's just a puppy! It didn't hurt you! It makes me so angry that the animal, who wasn't at fault, who just was hanging out happily and can't understand any of the reasons for its painful death, was the one to suffer here. I just want to find the jerk who did this and stick his head in a toaster.

But the world is sick on a grander scale. People are just not nice. 250,000 people displaced because of fighting in DR Congo, half the popultation of Zimbabwe starving to death because the UN can't get financial backing for them, the Burmese government putting a comedian in jail for 45 years because he advocates human rights.
Where'd all the good people go?

And people are infecting the natural world with their pollution and litter and greenhouse gasses.

What then shall we do?

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

I wish it were summer

But that's not how life works.

This is not my week.

The webcomics, tea, and chocolate are not helping. I really need some alone alone alone time. Like through the desert on a horse with no name.

And I want to talk to a very specific person, and the fact that they aren't available makes me want to cry.

Now then Becca, get a grip, go to bed, the sun'll come out tomorrow

Sunday, November 16, 2008


So that was this morning.
And I'm happy I went through with it.
Here's the little blurb I gave at the start. Actually, I gave a shorter, less coherent version, but I like this one better cuz it makes more sense.
I made people cry! Yay?

My name is Becca Schwarz. I’ve only been coming to Lincoln Road for a few months so many of you probably don’t know me.

I want to give you a bit of background on my life and then talk about 3 specific areas in which I have seen God work in my life, which are the pursuit of relationship vs. religion, love in all its forms, and my ability to commit myself to Him.

My parents are both active Christians, and they created a home environment in which religion and the word of God were cornerstones of everyday life. I was home schooled until grade 4, and then sent to a mennonite school until grade 7, so for many years I was surrounded in a richly Christian environment. I went to sunday school, Conestoga Bible Camp, and Awana kids’ club. Here I memorized verses and Bible stories to an extent that still surprises me sometimes. Like a lot of kids in that environment, I accepted Christianity as truth from early on, and have always held a firm belief in God and the Bible. But factual belief and faith do not go hand in hand, and my journey of faith began the summer between grade 7 and 8, when I left my rock solid dome of Christian influence, and began meeting people and encountering situations that shook my understanding and challenged my nice, neat, useless little theology. Changes were beginning to take place in my understanding of God.

High school hit me like a brick in the face. Until that point I had no context in which to place religion, because everything was religious. This may sound naive, but until grade 8 or 9, I had a subconscious assumption that everyone was inherently Christian. I mean, I knew that wasn’t true, but I believed it. Accompanying this changing reality was the fact that many of my friends struggled with depression. I was very much influenced by the constant environment of sadness and became depressed to the point of self destructiveness. I felt like I had nothing to stand on. I had no one to turn to, because my friends all had their own problems to deal with, and my parents had 4 other kids to take care of. But at the bottom of the slough of despond was solid ground. God found me there, and He held me very close through a lot of nights full of fear and sadness. He began to teach me the art of faith, and I feel that was the mark at which positive change began to come about in my spiritual life.

Ever since childhood, I’ve had issues with rules. My mom will back that up. I struggled with the idea of following a bunch of rules all my life, and that’s all that religion seemed like to me during my early years. When I started high school, I had a conscious intent to get rid of religion in my life. I didn’t want to be good. I wanted to be different. I read a lot, looking for something with more validity than religion. I know that I can’t submit to just a whole bunch of rules with no reason behind them, which is what I found in religion. Expectations that I would fall into a very pretty little mould of a church kid rankled me. I read a lot of the Bible, hoping to find loopholes. Where is it written that a Christian teenager must like certain bands or certain clothes? No where, it turns out. What I found was not what I perceived as Christianity. Jesus always spoke about love and honesty, which were two things I found seriously lacking in religion. In finding the differences between what Jesus taught as truth and what was simply tradition I realized that everything I disliked about religion was put there by humans, not God. Over the course of a few years I rediscovered true Christianity through studying my Bible and prayer. God knew I was searching for truth, and He guided me to it just like Jesus said: “Ask and it will be given. Seek and you will find. Knock and the door will be opened”. He showed me what the real focus of my life is supposed to be: not a bunch of rules that I need to keep, but Himself. Loving him and trying to make my actions a source of joy to Him is really the point. Of course there’s no way I’ll ever be perfect, but He teaches me about Himself and myself and the people around me, and what it means to love Him in the context of each type of relationship.

God has said to me a billion subtle ways that He loves me. My family, my friends, my home, my horse, and nature itself I feel are all a very personal letter from God telling me that by some strange law of nature, my happiness is worth His time and attention. And because of this love, He made it possible for me to be close to Him. He’s really impossible not to love back. He makes me smile when I don’t think I can. He surprises me every day with his endless creativity and His willingness to help me learn.
I can look back on the past year or so and see where I have changed directly through his influence. God is teaching me through different situations and convictions what love means to each of my relationships.

For a long time, however, I have still struggled with commitment. Probably the most defining theme in my life thus far has been a overwhelming fear of getting stuck in a contract that I can’t uphold or grow tired of submitting to. So for a long time I’ve been very cautious of saying I’m a Christian for two reasons. First, it aligns me with a religion many people view as bogus and hypocritical. Second, it means that all the times I screw up will be marked up by someone as another reason that Christians suck. But I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how God feels about that sort of thing. It’s like not telling your friends who your family is because you don’t want to be associated with them. Even Jesus said that if I am ashamed of Him I can expect He will be ashamed of me. Can I really say to God that I love him if I tell everyone else something different? Of course not. So I decided to be baptised as a way to tell him that I love Him, and that in spite of my fears, when push comes to shove, I want to be with Him. So I'm here today to tell God I love Him and to tell you that I am a Christian.

It's a weird thing. I still am freaking out about commitment. The only reason I had the motivation to do this is that Porky promised that when I got baptised that he would too. Good boy, he is.

But religion, religion; what ever shall we do about it? I still don't like it, and my mom thinks I agree with her on everything now. And my dad thinks I'm cantankerous, whatever he means by that. I am an individual, dear parents. You were, are, and will be unable to comprehend my motives and thoughts, because your minds resonate at different frequencies from mine. I don't know whose is the right frequency, of course. All I know is that I can hear God.

And now for something completely different!

Got home this weekend and the place was trashed. I want to leave. Not just res. I want to leave life, stress, winter, mother, and go live with my horse in the woods in a warm place.

Does that qualify as running away from your problems?

Not so much sure what I'm trying to say. I'm just verr.... turmoil-y about life. I don't like the pressure I'm under. It's pressing my mind into an unnatural, unwanted shape. I don't want these things imprinted on it! I want these blocks to go away so that my mind can be free. Free to roam where it wills and expand where it can and ignore the little spaces society tries to shove it into.
I will not grow brain bonsai.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Classical music

When I can't relate any words to the colours and textures of emotion/awareness flowing in and out and around in my mind, I listen to instrumental music.

A guide to what I like to hear when I feel....

All mixed up like: Bach. He's got ridiculous technical skills! I love how (especially in his fugues and inventions) melodies and countermelodies collide and wrap harmonically around one another. I love the way that each brings an unexpected dimension to the others, bending the feeling of the whole melodic line away from the expected. The constant change of focus in the music is so pleasant when my mind is scattered and spacey feeling. I especially love Fugue in g minor.

Thoughtful: Dvorak. I know, he's romantic, not classical, but most people don't even know the difference. He's got these beautiful melodies. Just amazing. It feels like going for a walk, listening to his work. I can hear trees and fields and water in his songs. Right now I love his String Quartet No. 12 in F major.

Bouncy: Schubert. He uses a lot of nifty little rhythms. Ones that are delightful to skip to. What else could one want? I like his Marche Militaire and German Dance No.1 in C Major.

Melancholy: Impressionists in general. Chopin or Debussy. There is less definition to the musical shapes and patterns in impressionism reflects the sort of indefinite feeling of sadness. It's like fog. You feel it, but it really isn't anything at all. I like The Girl With Flaxen Hair by Debussy and I love the Raindrops Prelude by Chopin.

Intelligent: Wagner or Greig. Both these guys were sooooo theatrical in their music. It's interesting to listen to and one can be self-congratulatory on the fact that one is listening to "smart" music.

I just want to be a kid: Prokofiev's Peter and the Wolf. A story and an amazing work of art. I remember lying on the couch listening to this as a kid. The lady narrarating does a beautiful job (at least if you get the british one). I love listening to people read or tell stories, so I guess it makes sense that I love this.

So that's all.

And in other thoughts...
Being loved is such a sensational feeling
"knowing that your presence is an addition to [another person's] comfort"

You know how all of Christianity is talking about how God loves people and stuff?
Is our presence an addition to his comfort?
Is he happier because people exist?
If so that's weird, cuz we kinda screwed him over...

Life is weird.
Oh, and the boys in res got a tarantula tonight. Ooooh man....

Monday, November 10, 2008

Where to draw the line

Taken from

Haha.! Take that! My brother wants Bush to stand trial in the Hague for war crimes. A bit too optimistic to actually be realized, but we can always hope....

And really, the only difference is that one is American and one is Muslim

Saturday, November 8, 2008


And a blog of a friend's has made me think.
Wiggle room in life is getting smaller.
And I hate it.
Time is a very restrictive tyrant. If we had no obligations, and goals were not necessary, then the passing of time would a be a pleasant thing to think about. But because we are told we need to accomplish something, it makes time our enemy.
Here's 'my' opinion on the deal:
All I want is a room somewhere
Far away from the cold night air
With one enormous chair

Oh, wouldn't it be lovely ?

Just a warm place to eat and enough to eat every day. I don't waant to accomplish anything more than loving the people around me and doing good in the world. Screw success.
And time keeps ticking away.

She told him she'd rather fix her make-up
Than try to fix what's going on
But the problem keeps on calling
Even with the cell-phone gone
She told him that she believes in living,
Bigger than she's living now
But her world keeps spinning backwards and upside-down Don't say so-long, you are not that far gone
Don't spend today away, 'cause today will soon be
Gone, like yesterday is gone,
Like history is gone,
Just try and prove me wrong,
and pretend like you're immortal.
She said, He said, live like no tomorrow;
Every day we borrow brings us
One step closer to the edge.
Infinity.Where's your treasure, where's your hope
If you get the world, and lose your soul?
She pretends like she pretends like she's immortal,
Don't say so-long, and throw yourself wrong
This could be your big chance to make-up
Today will soon be
Gone, like yesterday is gone
Like history is gone,
The world keeps spinning on
You're going, going, gone,
Like summer break is gone,
Like Saturday is gone,
Just try and prove me wrong and pretend like you're immortal
We are not infinite
We are not permanent
Nothing is immediate
And we pretend like we're immortal
We are so confident in our accomplishments
Look at our decadence
Gone, like Frank Sinatra,
Like Elvis and his mom
Like Al Pacino's cash,
Nothing lasts in this life
My high school dreams are gone
My childhood sweets are gone
Life is a day that doesn't last for long
Life is more than money
Time was never money
Time was never cash
Life is still more than girls
Life is more than hundred-dollar bills and roto-tom fills
Life is more than fame and rock and roll and thrills
All the riches of the kings end up in wills
We've got information in the information age,
But do we know what life is
Outside of our convenient Lexus cages?
She said, He said live like no tomorrow,
Every moment that we borrow brings us closer
To a God who's never been short of cash
Hey Bono, I'm glad you asked,
Life is still worth living,
Life is more that we are

And God looks at all us screwing around and worrying about having to be here on wednesday and then drive to school and do assignments and pick this up and drop that off, and He probably would rather us look at the trees and try to remember that this isn't life at all. This, what we call life, is a test. Real life starts when we ditch time.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Smile! It's the weekend!

After a week like this, I could use a 5 day weekend and a massage. Bleh.

But instead I got this:


Here's to drowning your sorrows in webcomics!

Sunday, November 2, 2008


Which means, by the way, a mix of a few different elements,
Which is what this weekend was.
Friday night was HALLOWEEN! I didn't even end up using my costume, truthfully. I went out and found those awesome previously mentioned WLU people. I think I'm gonna make an effort to see them regularly, because they are.... engaging.
So then saturday I went to see Jemma. She was a little pissed with me, cuz I hadn't been there for 3 weeks almost. Pretty much not since Thanksgiving, I think. So she wasn't pleased. But it was nice to have a fuzzy friend. Then my friend Emily and I went out to chill in KW. We stopped at Petcetera and saw the CUTEST black kitty up for adoption! And it was so friendly! We realized it was very fortunate we didn't have an apartment together because we would have paid the $200 adoption fee and take the little dear home and not been able to feed her. At least I know she probably found a good home. Cats that are sociable get loved. So then we attempted to find Emily a dress for commencement this coming weekend, but no luck. Found earrings and scarves for really cheap though! Yay!

My uncle from BC also came out this weekend. Hugely interesting person. My favourite story of his from this weekend was about his flight here. Apparently he bought the earphones from the Westjet people so he could listen to music on the plane. But the plane didn't have radio music, just satellite TV. He was a little disappointed, but he had brought books with him. This uncle, I should point out, is a surgeon. He had brought some medical journals to read. Apparently there were large colour pictures of people with disgusting tumours and growths and like pics of surgical procedures and such. The guy beside him (he said) looked creeped out. My uncle is one of those people that make me smile.

So then church this morning there was a guest speaker. He was a very interesting little man. Just very excited and bouncy and should have been a children's entertainer like Mr. Rogers. But he was interesting, anyhow. One of his points was that if we don't change we become irrelevant. And I really like that. He was talking about religion in that sense. Like religious structures and traditions can't stay the same forever.

And I think that applies to people just as individuals too. Nature presents most species with the biological necessity of change to adjust to the little changes that the plant makes as it gets closer to expiring. And everything is moving inevitably towards the end of the natural world. It wasn't built to last. Even on a universal scale. But things that are alive MUST change over time. I remember G.K. Chesterton said that the human mind can't handle the concept of eternity, so it has been cut into pieces for us with mortality just like someone would cut toast into "fingers" for a kid. But over our lives we need to change. It all comes back to this spiral idea. If we don't constrict into the boundaries of our own experience we will "run into" our old selves and find the world a very impossible place to live in. In other words, because we are biological creatures, we need to accept biological rules, which means change over time.

This afternoon I listened to "The Crickets Have Arthritis" by Shane Koyczan. I've listened to it before, but it made me cry... again. It's just so true. Life does that sort of thing to you. Once again, death is a part of biology, the center of the spiral. Either that means to a person that the spiral stops or that it bores into the next dimension. I'm a pan-dimensional person myself. It makes more sense. The biological life has a definite starting point and then winds down into the ending point, which must come. But then once the dimension is broken through it winds outwards from the start, so that we can look back and understand what came before, but it doesn't constrict us and there is universally, infinitely more time and space to expand and know and be. Does this make sense? I wish I had a picture to explain it. But the song still made me cry.

I feel like there is something more to say, but not sure what, so I will end this abruptly and post it.