Friday, November 12, 2010

It's rare that I find a problem that I can't ignore so hard that it disappears.

Sometimes though a band aid or a youtube vid or a cookie or several months of wilful denial or therapy won't make things better.

I am now at a point in life where my actions are going to have serious, lasting implications, and most of the decisions I've made since reaching this point have been crap. I kinda think it's too late to pull it together again. Kinda just want to move back in with my parents, work at the factory, settle, become a cat lady. Everything beyond that - careers, Africa, friends, happiness - just seems so impossible. If I won't ever get there, what's the use of putting in any sort of effort?

Sorry to mope. I think I'm caffeine crashing. I felt so good earlier, in the fog, walking home.

What's the point in trying if it won't change the things I've already screwed up?
Why bother?

Fun fact: I will feel fine in the morning. I'm really like a kid on the indoors: my whole world depends on the present. Whatever sensation happens to waft through me colours my perceptions of past, current, and future. Does not take a whole lot to change the sensation, and thus my entire outlook on life.

Music is so frikken pointless. Sure, it might make me feel good, but it doesn't fix anything. It's just another stupid band aid. I need re-constructive surgery and I'm just holding myself together with tape and paper clips. Band aids. Anyone with a chainsaw and a welder and a bit of spare time?

Comfort from Fight Club: I am not a special or unique snowflake. Other people have weird brain crap and caffeine crashes and freak out over stupid things and destroy their lives every day. This is normal.

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