Monday, March 17, 2008


So I had to work today, and I was raelly dreading it. Usually the people who I work with make my life very miserable. But today was really fun. My job is the type that will suck or rock in accordance with the people you work with. I'm considering stepping down from being a supervisor, or asking for a raise, or just quitting and going to McDonalds, hehe.
Today on the drive home I was listening to a good song. I can't remember what one now. But I was speeding wuite a bit...and I hit a bunny. I feel kinda bad about the poor little guy. I just hope he wasn't in any pain.
And today was a strange day. I had a lot of fun on spare and at orchestra and at work, but a lot of people around me seemed really sad. Mostly for romantic reasons. "Spring: the time of year when a man's mind turns to love"-Great expectations...I think. I don't think I got it quite right. But anyway. The warm weather is making people loopy. And lonely. I guess it's doing the same to me. Mostly I'm glad I don't hafta deal with a boy and committment and relationship stuff, but occassionally (more recently) I really feel like I want a hug from someone who cares about me.
the problem I see mostly about people with boy/girlfriends is that for a lot of people it validates them. they feel worthless or lonely unless they have a special friend. I really want to avoid that. I think that if I can't validate my own existence in myself, and that if my self-worth is dependant on someone else, then I'm not a complete person. I have a logical need to be secure in myself alone before I can take on a relationship like that. If I'm not complete alone, I won't be complete with a boyfriend. So that's my reason. I've got to validate myself.
And I'm scared of committment. But that's another story.
Lord Byron at work was feeling sad today, and made a comment about how he rarely felt happy. It recalled to my mind my years of angstyness. I laugh at them now, but it's a dark laugh. I still recognize the pain that I went through as realy, and I know that it's realy to other people now and that it's real to Lord Byron. Is it wrong of me to laugh? I'm not denying it's existance or power, but I know that it will pass. I still really wish I could tell LB that he's just gotta ride through it, and that yes it hurts, and yah, there will be days when you're lying on your bed and the pain ripping you up inside is worse than the pain of the cuts on your arms. But one day you'll fall asleep with dry eyes. One day you will wake up and smile at your buzzing alarm clock, because you know that it's ok. "One of these mornings, you're gonna rise up singing". I guess what I want to say is that the pain is REAL. Don't ever tell an emo that they're over-reacting. It's not the circumstance so much as it is a feeling of loss, dissappointment, confusion, anger, exhaustion, and pain pain pain. The feelings are real, and they count. But there is hope. Love is real, and happiness is real, and peace will come if you can just hold on. "Keep your hand on that plough. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on."
The thing that makes the sunrise so beautiful is that it must come after the night. How can you appreciate the beauty of the sun unless you truly have been in darkness?
I suppose that's pretty much enough for tonight. I should have done a french project, but I'm hosting somewhat of a rebellion against the ridiculous amounts of homework we've been getting in that class.
I feel more or less at peace now. But there is a feeling of pressure, or worry, or sadness that makes it a tired peace. A calm that would fall in the room of a patient after they're out of a stage of crisis, but far from recovery. Friends feel like it will be okay, that life can get back to normalcy, but their calm is oblique, and a hook on the end of that smooth silk of calm catches and pulls out a "What if this is not the end?"

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