Oh dear goodness do I love trees. Trees trees trees!
Also: pool, bar fights, horses, Donald Miller, coffee distributors, and people who are good people.
I had a lovely evening out, and am all whipped up on the inside from caffeine, so I will now watch a film instead of going to sleepies.
Did I mention I went to mass on Thursday evening? It was awesome. It was comforting and calming to be in a beautiful old building. The acoustics alone helped me uncurl a lot. I didn't know what was going on a lot of the time. There is something to be said for people who can be serious about something. I tend to avoid seriousness, because it generally strikes to close to vulnerability for me to enjoy. I like to use humour to explain myself, which leads to poor communication in a lot of situations. Protestants like to make church less serious, which makes it a bit more accessible and less threatening. They focus more on self-expression and interaction. Mass was almost completely silent. No one was there for the other people in the pews. That sounds horrible, but it was really calming. They were there because they believed that they should be, and that the time there was not for other people. The time there was for them to share with God. I am finding that as I am getting further and further into a mudpile of conflicting beliefs, it is a huge relief to be surrounded by people who whole-heartedly believe and trust that this is true and right. In part this is because I find it difficult to believe in anything in the sense that I feel like everything is so unstable that I can never really know what is certain. I've been coming up against that wall with Christian people for a long time. I ask people to explain how they know God is present with them, and they always say something along the lines of feeling or sensing his presence. Unfortunately, that is just not going to happen for me. I am a logic based individual, and if you can't detail a logically constructed argument for why you believe something, how could you be willing to die for it? That's essentially what I can't wrap my head around: many don't have any logical construct behind their beliefs, but they insist that because they feel it, it is true. My darlings, feelings are chemical reactions. They should not be the basis for any decision.
I'm not saying I don't believe in God. All the hours of thought I've poured into that have reinforced the fact that I believe existence depends upon a something, and that something must be logical, and must be good. Beyond that, things get hedgey. I can follow along and find a reasonable amount of logical credibility in the concept of Jesus.
I think where I get hung up is the historical aspect and the Bible thing. If EVERYTHING we know about God is in that book, doesn't that really limit him? Also, how can people be so certain that Genesis is 100% literal and not a myth invented later to explain the way things were? Unfortunately, if the Adam and Eve story is a myth, then the entire Jesus thing falls apart as well.
I am frustrated right now that I don't know. Mass is a comfort because they do know, somehow. I don't even think they're right, but the fact that they think they're right still comforts me. I am happy to know that there is such thing as believing something. Faith is humanly possible.
Imma just keep on truckin in the best way I know how. The good, logical being which the universe depends on will not piss on that.