Monday, August 18, 2008

So I'm a terrible human being

But I really don't mind it.
I've ruined a few people's days in the last little while. Not intentionally., of course, because I do really try to be a nice person inspite of my constant desire to contradict them and (for some people) wring their little necks. But it seems like a certain new aquaintance of mine (not technically new, but we didn't much talk before) wants me to fight. I've mentioned this person before. My puddle friend. A very dramatic person. Unfortunately because of strings attaching this person to several other friends I actually like, I can't meet her for tea somewhere and then calmly proceed to break the person's face. So I keep attempting to be civil, friendly, and even conversational and interested in whatever they say. And what do I get? Dramatic accusations directed to me through other people. Please, sweetie, if you have something to say to me, let's deal with it face to face. Or fist to face...
I can't handle drama like I used to. I've been waking up at 4 am and 6:11 am for the past few days and just sitting and thinking about this. Why on earth do you want to bother me? It's not like I'm trying to ruin your life. You're trying to make it seem like I am so our mutual friends will think I'm a psychotic witch. Unfortunately, they should already know this, and if they aren't used to loving me for it, I'd be suprised.

In other news, I've a new idea.
Not so much new as the revival of an old idea that used to make me really happy, and I discovered still does.
I want to be an explorer.
I know it sounds a bit nutty, but I insatiably crave adventure.
I looked out the window the other night when I couldn't fall asleep. And the moon was so bright that it looked like late twilight instead of actual night. Right then and there I wanted to have my horse and go riding out until the sun came up and I could sleep in the shade beside a river, hiding from the people who were probably looking for me. I wanted to build a campfire and cook a bit of food for myself and wash it down with a bit of coffee. I wanted to be hungry and cold.
Because when one is hungry and cold, one is very much assured that one is alive.
I don't like being tied down by my job. I don't like having to go to school so I can have a better job. I read books about adventurers who simply wandered from place to place their whole lives, doing little jobs here and there, and I wish taht the world today were more condusive to that sort of thing.
I can't camp out in the wilderness, because people would arrest me for trespassing
I can't travel with just a canteen and blanket and matches because people want me to have ID and health insurance and the water isn't safe to drink anywhere.
I can't just leave my family and friends and go wandering because everyone is used to being connected now.
I can't travel happily wherever on my horse because not only would she kill me, but places aren't set up to accommodate horses anymore.
I can't.
But I will. Someday. I hope. I want to have adventures, and in spite of the world, I believe I will have them. I know I can't. But no one can stop me from trying and dying.
Here's to you, Christopher McCandless.

1 comment:

  1. into the wild is quite spectacular isn't it?
    i do completely get what you mean.
    "society you're a crazy breed, i hope you're not lonely without me"
    it's from the soundtrack, by eddie vedder. it's called society.
    ah gawd this is getting so many thoughts rolling through my head... lol
    coffee sometime soon yes?