Premier: Is being genuine the opposite of being insincere?
Now: To business!
I got up early today (seven AM feels early anyway) and walked down town to catch the bus to the vet college.
I worked hard for no money from 8:30 till 2:30, and worked not hard for lots of money from 4:30 till 6. I stopped in between to eat and take a healthy walk and take buses.
I got home around 7 and showered and ate more healthfulness. People arrived around 8:30 and thoroughly delightful times were had (by me, anyway).
What the frik is wrong with me.
Maybe it's because it's the first really quiet moment I've had to myself in a while that Dr Anjelica is hijacking me. These silent hours that I've always valued now seem like punishment.
I shouldn't lie. I do know why it is. It's something that I know I should want to fix; I am mentally aware that I should care. I just don't. I entirely lack the motivation.
I suppose this is what my therapist said about emotion. No matter how much I know I should pull myself together, if I don't feel like it it's not going to happen.
So now I'm attempting to find a way to make myself care emotionally. I put up some social pressures for myself, but I've been circumventing social systems for so long that it's not even a challenge to me. I've tried mentally bullying myself into caring but because I have no idea what caring actually feels like it's kind of like shooting in the dark.
I'll just keep doing my thing, I guess. Go to work. Go to school. Hang with friends. Get some money. Get some facts. Get some lolz.
Look at me, I'm succeeding...