Wednesday, December 9, 2009


I didn't like work tonight. I wanted to think, but I couldn't get anything in my mind moving until about 2am. It was very frustrating to feel the factory walls around my mind.

I am reading Blue Like Jazz again, and I know I've oozed about this books before, but allow me to ooze again. It's just very comforting right now. Miller's writing style is familiar and engaging; it makes a person feel at home. He makes a comment about how he would prefer not to be some days. Not that he's suicidal, but it's just too much bother. How did he get inside my brain?

Here's something he quoted from C.S. Lewis:
All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through;
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, reassurance, pleasure are the goals that I seek'
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin;
I talk of love - a scholar's parrot may talk Greek -
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

Hm Hm Hm.

I'm sorry if that was less than illuminating. It's not the best poetry I've read. I assume my dear Mr.Lewis scribbled it off in a few minutes. It's sincere though, and I believe that's what counts.

Here's another bit from the book that some of you might relate to a little more:
"The older you get, the more you understand there is no Wizard of Oz, just a shmuck behind a curtain."
Two things: I love the word shmuck!
And notice how he says 'understand'? He's not trying to say that there is magic and we have to believe like when we were kids. He's saying there's no magic when we're kids either, and it's important to know that.

I'll try to keep from quoting it to you too much, although it's so calming to read.

I'm eating a bowl of rice and it's got pieces of that black wild rice in it and one of them looks like MEALWORM and it's near my PILLOW AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
Why did my worst nightmare come true today??

Also at work the Weird Army Guy came in early so he talked to me, which I resent. WAG is a Yankee. He was in the army and got shot in the head and has grenade shrapnel in his ribs. I might be a nasty person for saying this but - if I were on the other side, I woulda shot him too. Soooo weird. He's not the funny type of crazy that writes webcomics or raises hamsters. He's the type of crazy that would get mad at someone for sneezing and knife them. So I nod and smile at whatever he says.

I got to work with my old partner tonight too, which would have been nice if the machine had felt like running.

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