Can we please retake that one?
Oh man.
Unnecessary pain and negativity and yelling and headaches and tummy aches and just stupidness.
What the heck is your problem? Get out of my puddles. The way you move and speak and treat me move me to rage so quickly that I can't understand what the heck happened to the brain I thought I had. For the sake of everyone involved, do not start with me. Because I won't start with you, but if you start it I'm not going to back down. That puddle water is going straight into your face.
On the other hand, thanks to my boys. You know how to cheer me up.
Before this happened, I wasn't doing too bad. I wrote a thing about a guy I saw at No Frills. Here you go:
What's wrong with these people that they can't be content? The media drives them and they're intent on seeing their hard earned cash well spent. Business man driving a beat up red car. He's pretty successful, yep, he's gone far. But he can't be happy till he has a new car. It's a blot on his shiny image, like a disfiguring scar. No man, you're never gonna attain it: the level of stuff where you say "that's enough" is further away than when you started to chase it. Your blue shirt and yellow tie look spiffy and they fit, and if you drive a crap car we're all ok with it. Because you've done fine, man, you're worth more than the outfit. So if you drive a crap car, then own it. That new car won't make the crazy go away. That resentment inside you that's rising and writhing; and one day you'll snap and end up despising all the time you wasted and it will be surprising how much you hate this perfect image that you've been devising. Man, know yourself, that's all you can do. You can't let the media get to you. They will tell you that to be happy you've got to be new when in reality you've only got to be true - to yourself and the crazy, because you know it's real. The only reality is what you feel, and that's what the commercials try to steal. Hold on to it, man, and drive that car. I think it makes you original.
That was my supermarket shpeel.
And I love my horse and the people at the barn because they know when to leave well enough alone.
And I love the movie Tropic Thunder. I don't care what anyone says - Ben Stiller is hilarious.
How am I supposed to survive another 3.5 days?
"Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away. And now I need a place to hide away. Oh I believe in yesterday" - the Beatles. Thank you for writing that song. And all your songs. The music of reality, it is.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Saturday, August 23, 2008
And I watched the first half hour of "Into the Wild" and decided I couldn't.
That wasn't what Chris Mcandless wanted.
All he wanted was to free himself from this stupid materialistic network that is becoming more and more impossible to escape.
And a movie isn't any part of that. He in a shining example of how people need to stop looking to movies and media to define them, and find their own minute, delicate shade of meaning and existence. Silly movies.
That wasn't what Chris Mcandless wanted.
All he wanted was to free himself from this stupid materialistic network that is becoming more and more impossible to escape.
And a movie isn't any part of that. He in a shining example of how people need to stop looking to movies and media to define them, and find their own minute, delicate shade of meaning and existence. Silly movies.
I'm scared out my jeans of the future
Seriously scared.
Terrified.
My stomach contracts and I feel my forehead crinkle up involuntarily.
Not the immediate future. That's quite manageable to think of. Next week, next month, next year.
It's the indefinite future. "At some point fast approaching". The point where everyone I know and who knows me has died, and all the people who knew them died. All memory has passed out of existence. And the future is entirely out of my hands. There will be a time of the future like that for everyone. There are thousands of humans who are dirt and dust and farms now, and all memory of them is gone. Shakespeare's time is coming. One day the last person to hear the long-lost legend of a great poet will die. His wikipedia page will have been deleted by some agency for avoiding dwelling on the past. And it will be just like he never existed.
I digress. To the point...
I am reading "Ninteen Eighty-Four" by George Orwell. Terrifying book. I'm honestly afraid to read it further because I don't want to think about it, and I don't want to believe it. The idea of no more love, no more aspiration to goodness, and the never ending knowledge that everything one does is monitored makes me so afraid for my world, my race, and the offspring thereof. Envision the effects of needing to maintain that mask of orthodoxy, even when you sleep, eat, shower, and blog. The knowledge that "nothing was your own except the few cubic centimetres inside your skull".
And it really could happen. Not for a long time, of course, we're still holding our own. But our language is slipping away. Words denoting the finest shades of meaning - the shades that make meanings individual and minute and real, such as nature is - are disappearing. Do you know the word 'ecru', for example? It's a beautiful, natural colour, and I can picture it precisely in my mind because it is specific and clear. A common word such as 'bad' though, that word is undefined as the universe. Bad as in Saddam Hussein or as in splurging on a pair of shows you know you don't really need? Bad as in being a pedophilic monstrosity or bad as in the sketchy fruit in my refridgerator? 'Bad' is a child's word. They lack direct comprehension, so their language must also be vague. They don't know what they're getting at. If our language becomes vague, we will no longer be able to communicate exactly what we mean. And then the fight is up. Because then how will we describe to someone exactly the colour of unbleached linen? How can I define the difference between an aquaintance and a friend if the only word for either is 'comrade'?
The book has gotten to me. I'm only on page 57. All I know is that I am rather passionate about ecru and my right to not be watched by the government every moment of every day. I like that I right now can make any expression I like and no one will know the difference. There. I just made a grimace-y rat face at the window. Serves it right.
Anyway, I had jolly fun at my first horse show today. Jemma and I won ribbons and a bit of money. So I got myself an iced cap. I didn't give Jem anything. She was happy enough to get back to her field and graze with her best but Jenevieve. I am gonna miss that horse so much. I've become so accustomed to loving her. There are some days where I imagine she doesn't mind me too much either. *sigh*. Today was my last saturday in Elmira. Ooh man.
*stomach goes AH! NO!*
Terrified.
My stomach contracts and I feel my forehead crinkle up involuntarily.
Not the immediate future. That's quite manageable to think of. Next week, next month, next year.
It's the indefinite future. "At some point fast approaching". The point where everyone I know and who knows me has died, and all the people who knew them died. All memory has passed out of existence. And the future is entirely out of my hands. There will be a time of the future like that for everyone. There are thousands of humans who are dirt and dust and farms now, and all memory of them is gone. Shakespeare's time is coming. One day the last person to hear the long-lost legend of a great poet will die. His wikipedia page will have been deleted by some agency for avoiding dwelling on the past. And it will be just like he never existed.
I digress. To the point...
I am reading "Ninteen Eighty-Four" by George Orwell. Terrifying book. I'm honestly afraid to read it further because I don't want to think about it, and I don't want to believe it. The idea of no more love, no more aspiration to goodness, and the never ending knowledge that everything one does is monitored makes me so afraid for my world, my race, and the offspring thereof. Envision the effects of needing to maintain that mask of orthodoxy, even when you sleep, eat, shower, and blog. The knowledge that "nothing was your own except the few cubic centimetres inside your skull".
And it really could happen. Not for a long time, of course, we're still holding our own. But our language is slipping away. Words denoting the finest shades of meaning - the shades that make meanings individual and minute and real, such as nature is - are disappearing. Do you know the word 'ecru', for example? It's a beautiful, natural colour, and I can picture it precisely in my mind because it is specific and clear. A common word such as 'bad' though, that word is undefined as the universe. Bad as in Saddam Hussein or as in splurging on a pair of shows you know you don't really need? Bad as in being a pedophilic monstrosity or bad as in the sketchy fruit in my refridgerator? 'Bad' is a child's word. They lack direct comprehension, so their language must also be vague. They don't know what they're getting at. If our language becomes vague, we will no longer be able to communicate exactly what we mean. And then the fight is up. Because then how will we describe to someone exactly the colour of unbleached linen? How can I define the difference between an aquaintance and a friend if the only word for either is 'comrade'?
The book has gotten to me. I'm only on page 57. All I know is that I am rather passionate about ecru and my right to not be watched by the government every moment of every day. I like that I right now can make any expression I like and no one will know the difference. There. I just made a grimace-y rat face at the window. Serves it right.
Anyway, I had jolly fun at my first horse show today. Jemma and I won ribbons and a bit of money. So I got myself an iced cap. I didn't give Jem anything. She was happy enough to get back to her field and graze with her best but Jenevieve. I am gonna miss that horse so much. I've become so accustomed to loving her. There are some days where I imagine she doesn't mind me too much either. *sigh*. Today was my last saturday in Elmira. Ooh man.
*stomach goes AH! NO!*
The Shuffle Game
Thought I'd include this for some fun.
1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
1)Are you a male or female?
Tel un Seul Homme - Pierre lapointe... oh dear!
2) Describe yourself?
Norweigian Dance - Edvard Greig
3) How do you feel about yourself?
African Sunset - Miriam Makeba
4) Describe your family.
Who Am I - from Les Miserables
5) What would your family say about you?
Vision of Escaflone - Cantos Gregorianos
6) Describe your current love interest?
Summer In the City - Three Dog Night (aka SEXAY!)
7) What would your current love interest say about you?
Money, Sucess, Fame, Glamour - Party Monster
8) Describe your current location:
Piano Bar - Norah Jones
9) Describe where you want to be:
A Heart Full of Love - from Les Miserables (I hate this song passionately)
10) Describe what you want to be:
March of the Dead - Becoming the Archetype
11) Describe your best friend:
Emo - Blink 182 (oh snap Amie!)
12) What would your best friend say about you?
Angel - Rammestein (OH SNAP! oh amie, hah)
13) Your favorite color is:
Cleaning Out my Closet - Eminem (yes I have him on my iPod)
14) You know that:
Roving Gambler - Arlo Guthrie + Pete Seeger
15) What is the weather like?
Down on Main Street - Bob Seeger
16) If your life was a television show, what would it be called?
The Journey - Karl Jenkins
17) What is life to you?
Girl at the Rock Show - Blink 182
18) What is the best advice you have to give?
Two A.M. Lovesick - Blue October
19) What is the meaning of life?
Buckets for Bullet Wounds - House of Heroes
20) What is life’s biggest problem?
Symphonie Fantastique - Hector Berlioz
21) What solves the mysteries of life?
Philosophy - Ben Folds Five
22) What is your dream?
Our House - Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young
23) What is your greatest fear?
I Am Cow - Arrogant Worms (HAH! I really would hate being a cow, it's true)
24) What is your worst attribute?
On A Day Like Today - Bryan Adams
25) What is your greatest strength?
Mustang Sally - Blues Brothers
26) Describe your love life:
Down On the Corner - CCR (sketchy... hehe)
27) How are you going to die?
Youth of the Nation - P.O.D. (actually, if you listen to this song, that's how I'd wanna go.
28) If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
I Walk the Line - Johnny Cash
29) What do your friends think of you?
We've Got Tonight - Bob Seeger
30) What is your funeral song going to be?
Witches Sabbath - Hector Berlioz
31) What will you be remembered for?
Elegy - As I Lay Dying
32) What will end up being your greatest accomplishment?
Rise Inside - Killswitch Engage
33) What will be engraved on your tombstone?
25-1-14-14 - Pierr Lapointe (This is a really sweet song. Instrumental only)
I didnt like how some of those didn't make any sense. My faves are 1, 11, 12, and 26. This is fun though. Hehe.
1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
1)Are you a male or female?
Tel un Seul Homme - Pierre lapointe... oh dear!
2) Describe yourself?
Norweigian Dance - Edvard Greig
3) How do you feel about yourself?
African Sunset - Miriam Makeba
4) Describe your family.
Who Am I - from Les Miserables
5) What would your family say about you?
Vision of Escaflone - Cantos Gregorianos
6) Describe your current love interest?
Summer In the City - Three Dog Night (aka SEXAY!)
7) What would your current love interest say about you?
Money, Sucess, Fame, Glamour - Party Monster
8) Describe your current location:
Piano Bar - Norah Jones
9) Describe where you want to be:
A Heart Full of Love - from Les Miserables (I hate this song passionately)
10) Describe what you want to be:
March of the Dead - Becoming the Archetype
11) Describe your best friend:
Emo - Blink 182 (oh snap Amie!)
12) What would your best friend say about you?
Angel - Rammestein (OH SNAP! oh amie, hah)
13) Your favorite color is:
Cleaning Out my Closet - Eminem (yes I have him on my iPod)
14) You know that:
Roving Gambler - Arlo Guthrie + Pete Seeger
15) What is the weather like?
Down on Main Street - Bob Seeger
16) If your life was a television show, what would it be called?
The Journey - Karl Jenkins
17) What is life to you?
Girl at the Rock Show - Blink 182
18) What is the best advice you have to give?
Two A.M. Lovesick - Blue October
19) What is the meaning of life?
Buckets for Bullet Wounds - House of Heroes
20) What is life’s biggest problem?
Symphonie Fantastique - Hector Berlioz
21) What solves the mysteries of life?
Philosophy - Ben Folds Five
22) What is your dream?
Our House - Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young
23) What is your greatest fear?
I Am Cow - Arrogant Worms (HAH! I really would hate being a cow, it's true)
24) What is your worst attribute?
On A Day Like Today - Bryan Adams
25) What is your greatest strength?
Mustang Sally - Blues Brothers
26) Describe your love life:
Down On the Corner - CCR (sketchy... hehe)
27) How are you going to die?
Youth of the Nation - P.O.D. (actually, if you listen to this song, that's how I'd wanna go.
28) If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
I Walk the Line - Johnny Cash
29) What do your friends think of you?
We've Got Tonight - Bob Seeger
30) What is your funeral song going to be?
Witches Sabbath - Hector Berlioz
31) What will you be remembered for?
Elegy - As I Lay Dying
32) What will end up being your greatest accomplishment?
Rise Inside - Killswitch Engage
33) What will be engraved on your tombstone?
25-1-14-14 - Pierr Lapointe (This is a really sweet song. Instrumental only)
I didnt like how some of those didn't make any sense. My faves are 1, 11, 12, and 26. This is fun though. Hehe.
Ugh, my insides hurt. I've taken enough painkillers to kill the average cat, and have not received any benefit. Here's to a long night.
Actually today was pretty sweeet. My last day of work! And one really nice lady there took the time to wish me the best in life and to tell me that I was a nice person and a good worker. I don't think anyone made me feel that special and appreciated in a long time.
Anyway, so after work my friend who I haven't seen for a long time came to hang out, we ate soup and chatted, it was fun. Then Amalie joined us, we picked up Colgate, and went to the band camp concert.
Admittedly, they mostly sucked. But I love seeing the people there, and it was an excuse to vent crazy. And I got to see a couple people I haven't seen in years.
Years. Such a short time. But theoretically, a year is generally about an 80th of our life. I'm not living that long. So in my case, one 40th part. And I'm already done almost 17. So I only have 23/40 remaining. Let's say 7 of those go to university. That's 16/40 remaining. 2/5ths of my life will be left. Do I want to spend those last 2 precious 5ths working? Heck noah! Must contrive a plan!
Actually today was pretty sweeet. My last day of work! And one really nice lady there took the time to wish me the best in life and to tell me that I was a nice person and a good worker. I don't think anyone made me feel that special and appreciated in a long time.
Anyway, so after work my friend who I haven't seen for a long time came to hang out, we ate soup and chatted, it was fun. Then Amalie joined us, we picked up Colgate, and went to the band camp concert.
Admittedly, they mostly sucked. But I love seeing the people there, and it was an excuse to vent crazy. And I got to see a couple people I haven't seen in years.
Years. Such a short time. But theoretically, a year is generally about an 80th of our life. I'm not living that long. So in my case, one 40th part. And I'm already done almost 17. So I only have 23/40 remaining. Let's say 7 of those go to university. That's 16/40 remaining. 2/5ths of my life will be left. Do I want to spend those last 2 precious 5ths working? Heck noah! Must contrive a plan!
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
I just want you to know...
Have you said that phrase before?
What were the circumstances?
I always picture the last conversation someone has with a close friend or family member before they die or leave and won't see them ever again (another thing that is impossible about modernity: facebook is anti climactic).
I've been thinking about my death a lot lately. Maybe it's more correct to say I've been thinking about what people will think about my death, and what kind of funeral I want and such. The result of my musings is as follows...
I don't want a funeral. They make people depressed.
If my mother absolutely must have one, I consent, as long as there is an open bar and live band while everyone eats those sketchy sandwiches afterwards.
I also will choose the music, which will include "Life Is Beautiful" by Sixx AM, "You're a Hamburger" by Radio Free Vestibule, and "Here Comes the Sun" by the Beatles.
Instead of only sketchy sandwiches, I'm pushing to have a barbecue and steak....
I don't want a tombstone. They're ugly.
In fact,I would like to be buried in a horse field. Is that legal? hm...
All my money (if I have any) will be donated to the upkeep and re-homing of my pets.
My journals can be sold to a publishing company for as much profit as possible.
All of my personal belongings can be picked through by whoever. Whatever is left over can be thrown out or sent to the thrift store.
I want my bedroom to by turned into a green room. Lots of trees.
I want only people who knew me well to speak at my funeral. I'm sorry, family, that kinda leaves you out.
I want my brother Nathan to play a song at said funeral. Preferably one of the ones he's written.
I want a commemorative plaque to be placed somewhere arbitrary and ludicrous. ie: In the middle of the 401....
I want band camp people to be invited. Sorry mom, you may not like them, but I do.
But most of all I hope that I won't die with a "I just want you to know" phrase unsaid.
I just want you to know I love you
I just want you to know that laughter is the only thing worth fighting for
I just want you to know that I'm okay with dying.
A bit of a morbid topic, but that's what I've been thinking about these long day at the factory.
Now then, I'm all happy cuz this is my last week of work!! HAH! I win....
And there's an awesome concert on friday.
And I don't hafta worry bout my funeral, cuz 'm not gonna have one
Life is goood
What were the circumstances?
I always picture the last conversation someone has with a close friend or family member before they die or leave and won't see them ever again (another thing that is impossible about modernity: facebook is anti climactic).
I've been thinking about my death a lot lately. Maybe it's more correct to say I've been thinking about what people will think about my death, and what kind of funeral I want and such. The result of my musings is as follows...
I don't want a funeral. They make people depressed.
If my mother absolutely must have one, I consent, as long as there is an open bar and live band while everyone eats those sketchy sandwiches afterwards.
I also will choose the music, which will include "Life Is Beautiful" by Sixx AM, "You're a Hamburger" by Radio Free Vestibule, and "Here Comes the Sun" by the Beatles.
Instead of only sketchy sandwiches, I'm pushing to have a barbecue and steak....
I don't want a tombstone. They're ugly.
In fact,I would like to be buried in a horse field. Is that legal? hm...
All my money (if I have any) will be donated to the upkeep and re-homing of my pets.
My journals can be sold to a publishing company for as much profit as possible.
All of my personal belongings can be picked through by whoever. Whatever is left over can be thrown out or sent to the thrift store.
I want my bedroom to by turned into a green room. Lots of trees.
I want only people who knew me well to speak at my funeral. I'm sorry, family, that kinda leaves you out.
I want my brother Nathan to play a song at said funeral. Preferably one of the ones he's written.
I want a commemorative plaque to be placed somewhere arbitrary and ludicrous. ie: In the middle of the 401....
I want band camp people to be invited. Sorry mom, you may not like them, but I do.
But most of all I hope that I won't die with a "I just want you to know" phrase unsaid.
I just want you to know I love you
I just want you to know that laughter is the only thing worth fighting for
I just want you to know that I'm okay with dying.
A bit of a morbid topic, but that's what I've been thinking about these long day at the factory.
Now then, I'm all happy cuz this is my last week of work!! HAH! I win....
And there's an awesome concert on friday.
And I don't hafta worry bout my funeral, cuz 'm not gonna have one
Life is goood
Monday, August 18, 2008
So I'm a terrible human being
But I really don't mind it.
Hah.
I've ruined a few people's days in the last little while. Not intentionally., of course, because I do really try to be a nice person inspite of my constant desire to contradict them and (for some people) wring their little necks. But it seems like a certain new aquaintance of mine (not technically new, but we didn't much talk before) wants me to fight. I've mentioned this person before. My puddle friend. A very dramatic person. Unfortunately because of strings attaching this person to several other friends I actually like, I can't meet her for tea somewhere and then calmly proceed to break the person's face. So I keep attempting to be civil, friendly, and even conversational and interested in whatever they say. And what do I get? Dramatic accusations directed to me through other people. Please, sweetie, if you have something to say to me, let's deal with it face to face. Or fist to face...
I can't handle drama like I used to. I've been waking up at 4 am and 6:11 am for the past few days and just sitting and thinking about this. Why on earth do you want to bother me? It's not like I'm trying to ruin your life. You're trying to make it seem like I am so our mutual friends will think I'm a psychotic witch. Unfortunately, they should already know this, and if they aren't used to loving me for it, I'd be suprised.
In other news, I've a new idea.
Not so much new as the revival of an old idea that used to make me really happy, and I discovered still does.
I want to be an explorer.
I know it sounds a bit nutty, but I insatiably crave adventure.
I looked out the window the other night when I couldn't fall asleep. And the moon was so bright that it looked like late twilight instead of actual night. Right then and there I wanted to have my horse and go riding out until the sun came up and I could sleep in the shade beside a river, hiding from the people who were probably looking for me. I wanted to build a campfire and cook a bit of food for myself and wash it down with a bit of coffee. I wanted to be hungry and cold.
Because when one is hungry and cold, one is very much assured that one is alive.
I don't like being tied down by my job. I don't like having to go to school so I can have a better job. I read books about adventurers who simply wandered from place to place their whole lives, doing little jobs here and there, and I wish taht the world today were more condusive to that sort of thing.
I can't camp out in the wilderness, because people would arrest me for trespassing
I can't travel with just a canteen and blanket and matches because people want me to have ID and health insurance and the water isn't safe to drink anywhere.
I can't just leave my family and friends and go wandering because everyone is used to being connected now.
I can't travel happily wherever on my horse because not only would she kill me, but places aren't set up to accommodate horses anymore.
I can't.
But I will. Someday. I hope. I want to have adventures, and in spite of the world, I believe I will have them. I know I can't. But no one can stop me from trying and dying.
Here's to you, Christopher McCandless.
Hah.
I've ruined a few people's days in the last little while. Not intentionally., of course, because I do really try to be a nice person inspite of my constant desire to contradict them and (for some people) wring their little necks. But it seems like a certain new aquaintance of mine (not technically new, but we didn't much talk before) wants me to fight. I've mentioned this person before. My puddle friend. A very dramatic person. Unfortunately because of strings attaching this person to several other friends I actually like, I can't meet her for tea somewhere and then calmly proceed to break the person's face. So I keep attempting to be civil, friendly, and even conversational and interested in whatever they say. And what do I get? Dramatic accusations directed to me through other people. Please, sweetie, if you have something to say to me, let's deal with it face to face. Or fist to face...
I can't handle drama like I used to. I've been waking up at 4 am and 6:11 am for the past few days and just sitting and thinking about this. Why on earth do you want to bother me? It's not like I'm trying to ruin your life. You're trying to make it seem like I am so our mutual friends will think I'm a psychotic witch. Unfortunately, they should already know this, and if they aren't used to loving me for it, I'd be suprised.
In other news, I've a new idea.
Not so much new as the revival of an old idea that used to make me really happy, and I discovered still does.
I want to be an explorer.
I know it sounds a bit nutty, but I insatiably crave adventure.
I looked out the window the other night when I couldn't fall asleep. And the moon was so bright that it looked like late twilight instead of actual night. Right then and there I wanted to have my horse and go riding out until the sun came up and I could sleep in the shade beside a river, hiding from the people who were probably looking for me. I wanted to build a campfire and cook a bit of food for myself and wash it down with a bit of coffee. I wanted to be hungry and cold.
Because when one is hungry and cold, one is very much assured that one is alive.
I don't like being tied down by my job. I don't like having to go to school so I can have a better job. I read books about adventurers who simply wandered from place to place their whole lives, doing little jobs here and there, and I wish taht the world today were more condusive to that sort of thing.
I can't camp out in the wilderness, because people would arrest me for trespassing
I can't travel with just a canteen and blanket and matches because people want me to have ID and health insurance and the water isn't safe to drink anywhere.
I can't just leave my family and friends and go wandering because everyone is used to being connected now.
I can't travel happily wherever on my horse because not only would she kill me, but places aren't set up to accommodate horses anymore.
I can't.
But I will. Someday. I hope. I want to have adventures, and in spite of the world, I believe I will have them. I know I can't. But no one can stop me from trying and dying.
Here's to you, Christopher McCandless.
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