Have you noticed the ridiculous numbers of rainbows we've had recently? Splendid, I think. Oh how I love the rain! And fall is coming. I feel it in the air when I'm biking to and from work. The joyfulness of summer has a little hint of sorrow. It's not truly sad, but just a touch of something deeper. It's starting to show its age. A few yellow leaves, a cold edge to the breeze.
This morning when I was biking to work, I saw a really beautiful moment in nature. The sun was about 25 degrees off the horizon, and very yellow and bright. It had rained overnight, so all the woods and fields were moist and drippy and smelled like leaves and hay. As I came over on of the bridges, I noticed that in a newly cut wheat field, the dew was beginning to rise. It was so natural a scene that it felt sacred. Like it wasn't meant for humans to see nature in such a sublime moment. Of course, every day the dew rises and the sky soaks it up. But I felt very out of place on that bridge. Like I was the only one who didn't have a part in the big show. The sun evapourated the water, which trapped light for the plants, which showed off the movement of the breeze, which mystic shapes in the mist, which rose serenely through the sunlight and made everything seem like a moment when all nature would just explode into thousands of colours. Not forms and beings. Just light every shade of every rainbow that was ever conceived.
And who am I to see this? Just Becca. I felt like a person who doesn't know that the restaurant they're going to is really high class and wears mucky heans and a stained sweatshirt.
I don't feel as if I did nature any justice with this. A picture wouldn't either. For you to know what I mean, I would have to take you back to that exact moment and place and frame of mind. And the fact that that's impossible is a minor chord in a happy song. Makes it that much more beautiful
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
In theory...
I will blog
And then I will get myself cleaned up
And then I will read a bit
And then I will sleep
And then I will wake up and not be depressingly sleepy tomorrow...
As if. Whatever, at least the intentions are good.
Today was kinda weird. I was having anger issues all day at work. Just because of being reallly sleepy (I was out too late again. And then biking home made me so ridiculously happy. It was raining lightly. I could feel the coolness and smell the drippiness without worrying about the book in my bag getting wet. All the puddles on the trail looked like sheets of glass which made delicious slurpy noises when I ran them over. Splendid noise! Have you ever painted a nice clean wall with a roller that is reallly full of paint? That odd gooshy noise is kinda what biking in puddles sounds like.
And when I got home, I had a cookie dough fight with my little sister. I was sitting happily on my couch eating cookie dough, and she was like "Hey, cookie dough!" and then I said it was playdough. She juss kinda looked disappointed. I ate a big bite of it. It didn't sink in too quick, but then she got a really suprised look on her face. She demanded to know if it was actually cookie dough. I said "Of course! I ate it!" and she was like "Well I thought maybe you just liked playdough".
Some days that child destroys all my hopes of her having a brain. But then we had a nice brawl which ended with cookie dough on faces, in hair, down shirts, and embedded into carpets. My mother wasn't impressed, but we were thoroughly happy.
In theory, the rain doesn't make people happy.
In theory, cookie dough is meant to be baked and eaten
In theory, our society is the most advanced that history has ever seen.
And I say screw the theories. Live life for what it is. The thoeries can't always work because everyone experiences things with slightly different shades of emotion. Theories can't always work because no two situations are ever the same.
In theory, I am against theory....
You know when you say a word too many times it loses its meaning and just sounds weird?
Theory..... Theory....
And my song of the day is "Viva la Vida" by Coldplay
And then I will get myself cleaned up
And then I will read a bit
And then I will sleep
And then I will wake up and not be depressingly sleepy tomorrow...
As if. Whatever, at least the intentions are good.
Today was kinda weird. I was having anger issues all day at work. Just because of being reallly sleepy (I was out too late again. And then biking home made me so ridiculously happy. It was raining lightly. I could feel the coolness and smell the drippiness without worrying about the book in my bag getting wet. All the puddles on the trail looked like sheets of glass which made delicious slurpy noises when I ran them over. Splendid noise! Have you ever painted a nice clean wall with a roller that is reallly full of paint? That odd gooshy noise is kinda what biking in puddles sounds like.
And when I got home, I had a cookie dough fight with my little sister. I was sitting happily on my couch eating cookie dough, and she was like "Hey, cookie dough!" and then I said it was playdough. She juss kinda looked disappointed. I ate a big bite of it. It didn't sink in too quick, but then she got a really suprised look on her face. She demanded to know if it was actually cookie dough. I said "Of course! I ate it!" and she was like "Well I thought maybe you just liked playdough".
Some days that child destroys all my hopes of her having a brain. But then we had a nice brawl which ended with cookie dough on faces, in hair, down shirts, and embedded into carpets. My mother wasn't impressed, but we were thoroughly happy.
In theory, the rain doesn't make people happy.
In theory, cookie dough is meant to be baked and eaten
In theory, our society is the most advanced that history has ever seen.
And I say screw the theories. Live life for what it is. The thoeries can't always work because everyone experiences things with slightly different shades of emotion. Theories can't always work because no two situations are ever the same.
In theory, I am against theory....
You know when you say a word too many times it loses its meaning and just sounds weird?
Theory..... Theory....
And my song of the day is "Viva la Vida" by Coldplay
Monday, August 11, 2008
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Sunday
Busy day, all in all. I am verr tired.
Actually kinda started last night. I went over to a buddy's house and a bunch of us played Apples to Apples for 2 hours. Much Hilarity. And then I was up late chatting to a friend online. It was one of those conversations about nothing important which are great company and comfort when you're feeling a bit miffed, as I was.
Then my family was up early this morning, so I woke up early also. Hung about the house until 1030ish when I went to church. I've been enjoying church so much lately, it's odd. I don't much know how to explain it except that it makes me feel like there is someone trying to tell me something I need to hear. And I've been so tired lately with religious stuff. Just that when you have no one to talk to about it, and you're always on the defensive or supportive end, you just need someone to lean on. And I don't really have a person that I can talk to about religious/faith stuff. Well, I did, but she just went to Calgary without telling me and her mother thinks she's never coming back and she won't answer my fb message. So that's upsetting. But I've just like going to church and blending in with a crowd there. Surrounded by people I don't know I feel like I'm going for myself, for my own love and purpose and enjoyment, and not to put on an appearance like happens so much in churches. And it's nice.
Then I went to the barn, and almost started crying cuz I thought about how much I'm gonna miss my Jemmers when I move.
Then I went to visit camp. That's right, band camp. I can't be a camper anymore, and I don't have the funds to be a leader in training, but I went to say hi to all my friends there. Got my quota of hugs for the week, ate massive amounts of sugar, and had a jolly old time in general. There's some people there that I lov eseeing so much and I rarely see them except camp and related events, but I really wish they were a bigger part of my life. Every time I see them we have fun and enjoy each other so thoroughly. It's a shame to think that in all liklihood they will soon drop out of my life altogether. In fact, I'm verr upset about it just now. Especially for a few people. *sigh*...
On a more major chord, I get paid this week!! Now Becca, repeat to yourself: I will put all of this paycheck into savings....
Actually kinda started last night. I went over to a buddy's house and a bunch of us played Apples to Apples for 2 hours. Much Hilarity. And then I was up late chatting to a friend online. It was one of those conversations about nothing important which are great company and comfort when you're feeling a bit miffed, as I was.
Then my family was up early this morning, so I woke up early also. Hung about the house until 1030ish when I went to church. I've been enjoying church so much lately, it's odd. I don't much know how to explain it except that it makes me feel like there is someone trying to tell me something I need to hear. And I've been so tired lately with religious stuff. Just that when you have no one to talk to about it, and you're always on the defensive or supportive end, you just need someone to lean on. And I don't really have a person that I can talk to about religious/faith stuff. Well, I did, but she just went to Calgary without telling me and her mother thinks she's never coming back and she won't answer my fb message. So that's upsetting. But I've just like going to church and blending in with a crowd there. Surrounded by people I don't know I feel like I'm going for myself, for my own love and purpose and enjoyment, and not to put on an appearance like happens so much in churches. And it's nice.
Then I went to the barn, and almost started crying cuz I thought about how much I'm gonna miss my Jemmers when I move.
Then I went to visit camp. That's right, band camp. I can't be a camper anymore, and I don't have the funds to be a leader in training, but I went to say hi to all my friends there. Got my quota of hugs for the week, ate massive amounts of sugar, and had a jolly old time in general. There's some people there that I lov eseeing so much and I rarely see them except camp and related events, but I really wish they were a bigger part of my life. Every time I see them we have fun and enjoy each other so thoroughly. It's a shame to think that in all liklihood they will soon drop out of my life altogether. In fact, I'm verr upset about it just now. Especially for a few people. *sigh*...
On a more major chord, I get paid this week!! Now Becca, repeat to yourself: I will put all of this paycheck into savings....
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Apples to Apples
That's the best game I own. Hands down. According to it, however, I'm desperate.
Desperate: to have a great desire or need of something. In the popular sense, it means to be much wanting a boyfriend or girlfriend.
I don't much understand this desperation. Nopers. I can understand loneliness. I can understand wanting love. But the unquenchable desire to have a significant other bothers me.
A boyfriend won't fix loneliness. Yah, you'll be with someone, but eventually it will come sneaking back in through the cracks and crevices of your relationship. The doubt and fear will slip in under the door and no matter how many people you have, it's something that everyone must deal with in their own mind.
A boyfriend won't be perfectly loving. Yah, you get hugs and kisses, and nice presents and a significant other, but the need to have all of yourself loved for what it is can't be fulfilled by a person. People don't have the capacity to fully know each other, I think. Our minds aren't big enough to accommodate another one of the same size. Without complete comprehension of every facet of a person's character, I don't think we can say we love them unconditionally. Although I'm not sure of all that yet, it's looking promising.
So more or less if you aren't secure in yourself, getting a significant other won't make you secure. That's the drift.
And my latest deal is that I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be single pretty much my whole life. I don't mind short term relationships, but they don't really count. Committing to a person who doesn't know and accept and love every part of me is scary. And I'm quite assured that's not possible, because I contradict myself constantly. So although I'm still open to the idea, I'm pretty certain it's out of the picture. And I'm not too worried about it
Desperate: to have a great desire or need of something. In the popular sense, it means to be much wanting a boyfriend or girlfriend.
I don't much understand this desperation. Nopers. I can understand loneliness. I can understand wanting love. But the unquenchable desire to have a significant other bothers me.
A boyfriend won't fix loneliness. Yah, you'll be with someone, but eventually it will come sneaking back in through the cracks and crevices of your relationship. The doubt and fear will slip in under the door and no matter how many people you have, it's something that everyone must deal with in their own mind.
A boyfriend won't be perfectly loving. Yah, you get hugs and kisses, and nice presents and a significant other, but the need to have all of yourself loved for what it is can't be fulfilled by a person. People don't have the capacity to fully know each other, I think. Our minds aren't big enough to accommodate another one of the same size. Without complete comprehension of every facet of a person's character, I don't think we can say we love them unconditionally. Although I'm not sure of all that yet, it's looking promising.
So more or less if you aren't secure in yourself, getting a significant other won't make you secure. That's the drift.
And my latest deal is that I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be single pretty much my whole life. I don't mind short term relationships, but they don't really count. Committing to a person who doesn't know and accept and love every part of me is scary. And I'm quite assured that's not possible, because I contradict myself constantly. So although I'm still open to the idea, I'm pretty certain it's out of the picture. And I'm not too worried about it
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Wagon Wheel
So this is about a song. Wagon Wheel by Against Me! I'm sure you all know it.
A friend gave me a cd with this song on it. I've heard the song before, actually. My oldest brother would sing it with his guitar a long time ago. It brings my mind back into my living room. I'm lying on the floor with my eyes half closed and it's cloudy outside and my mom is tlaking to someone in the kitchen. On the couch my brother is strumming abstractedly and looks out the window while his raspy voice tells this story.
It's a beautiful song. Musically, I mean. Simple, honest, and makes one feel both hope and the despair that makes one need hope. It's not many songs that do that. You feel the sadness coming up from somewhere deeper than the musician. It's like they found away to let the emotions of nature and the collective subconscious all funnel into the ground beneath their feet and then come pushing out into the song. I guess that's the key thing about the song. The emotion is coming from somewhere deeper than just a person. Like a forest playing the guitar. That's how it makes me feel, anyway.
The lyrics are awesome too. A guy just trying to be with the girl he loves. He's cold, he's tired. He's having a hard time. And he wants to be held by the girl he loves and that loves him. And usually I don't connect so much to love songs. But this one is about the basic human need for love kinda. We all have times when we are depressed and cold and exhausted and burnt out, and all we want is to curl up into a ball and be turned into a child again. Cradled into someone's lap while they rub your back and they know that talking isn't wanted. No worries, nice and warm, with no thoughts except how good it is to be loved.
Now onto my daily dose of Shank Koyczan. A strange type of poet, but splendid none the less. I'm gonna listen to one a day until I've gone through all the ones that my friend put on a cd for me. And then I might blog about my thoughts on them. Or I might just savour them for a while. Good blogs are like good alcohol: have been hanging around for a while getting better and better with age and turning.
And this is a blog note in general: if I start a point that seems interesting but then just totally lose it and bunny trail off into something else, it's cuz i'm always really tired when I blog.
A friend gave me a cd with this song on it. I've heard the song before, actually. My oldest brother would sing it with his guitar a long time ago. It brings my mind back into my living room. I'm lying on the floor with my eyes half closed and it's cloudy outside and my mom is tlaking to someone in the kitchen. On the couch my brother is strumming abstractedly and looks out the window while his raspy voice tells this story.
It's a beautiful song. Musically, I mean. Simple, honest, and makes one feel both hope and the despair that makes one need hope. It's not many songs that do that. You feel the sadness coming up from somewhere deeper than the musician. It's like they found away to let the emotions of nature and the collective subconscious all funnel into the ground beneath their feet and then come pushing out into the song. I guess that's the key thing about the song. The emotion is coming from somewhere deeper than just a person. Like a forest playing the guitar. That's how it makes me feel, anyway.
The lyrics are awesome too. A guy just trying to be with the girl he loves. He's cold, he's tired. He's having a hard time. And he wants to be held by the girl he loves and that loves him. And usually I don't connect so much to love songs. But this one is about the basic human need for love kinda. We all have times when we are depressed and cold and exhausted and burnt out, and all we want is to curl up into a ball and be turned into a child again. Cradled into someone's lap while they rub your back and they know that talking isn't wanted. No worries, nice and warm, with no thoughts except how good it is to be loved.
Now onto my daily dose of Shank Koyczan. A strange type of poet, but splendid none the less. I'm gonna listen to one a day until I've gone through all the ones that my friend put on a cd for me. And then I might blog about my thoughts on them. Or I might just savour them for a while. Good blogs are like good alcohol: have been hanging around for a while getting better and better with age and turning.
And this is a blog note in general: if I start a point that seems interesting but then just totally lose it and bunny trail off into something else, it's cuz i'm always really tired when I blog.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Moral Issues
So I lied to my parents this weekend in order to go camping with my guy friends and learned a number of things
1. My mom was right. *sigh*. Situations are very delicate when you have that many horomones on one campsite, and there were moments when I wished I would have listened.
2. It's so easy to not bother with morals. I really wish I engaged in criminal activity and questionable substances, cuz it's so much easier to just not hafta worry about a reputation.
3. I'm a jerk.
So yah, other than that, my weekend was awesome
This evening I went out for coffee with my anti-dramatic friend (the good kind of anti-dramatic) and then came home and caused dramatics with the Criminal.
Ridiculous how often this happens. I really must learn to keep my vendettas to myself. So first I started a shtick about how nice it would be to become a druggie. Of course I didn't mean it. I was just out for a psychological stroll. And then a comment was made and drama began, and I really do feel the worse for fighting. Who am I to condemn other people's decisions? I know I've screwed up enough on my own. Then again, who is anyone else to say I'm a bad person, when I know they've done as much and worse.
Point being: I'm gonna let God take care of all the condemnation and judging stuff, cuz it's far too depressing for me.
So I definitely have found two new musical passions: Jack's Mannequin and the Arctic Monkeys. The first one is kind of Ben Folds sound and really deep and makes me think. The second is more Queen/ Beatles sound and really blatant and honest and makes me think.
Song of the day is "Mardy Bum" by the Arctic Monkeys, which has forced me to say sorry to the Criminal, because the last person I want to be is the one in that song. In fact, here are the lyrics so that you won't haft feel too guilty for not looking them up or finding the song...
Well now then Mardy Bum
I've seen your frown
And it's like looking down the barrel of a gun
And it goes off
And out come all these words
Oh there's a very pleasant side to you
A side I much prefer
It's one that laughs and jokes around
Remember cuddles in the kitchen
Yeah, to get things off the ground
And it was up, up and away
Oh, but it's right hard to remember
That on a day like today when you're all argumentative
And you've got the face on
Well now then Mardy Bum
Oh I'm in trouble again, aren't I
I thought as much
Cause you turned over there
Pulling that silent disappointment face
The one that I can't bear
Can't we, laugh and joke around
Remember cuddles in the kitchen
Yeah, to get things off the ground
And it was up, up and away
Oh, but it's right hard to remember
That on a day like today when you're all argumentative
And you've got the face on
And yeah I'm sorry I was late
well I missed the train
And then the traffic was a state
And I can't be arsed to carry on in this debate
That reoccurs, oh when you say I don't care
but of course I do, yeah I clearly do!
So laugh and joke around
Remember cuddles in the kitchen
Yeah, to get things off the ground
And it was up, up and away
Still, but it's right hard to remember
That on a day like today when you're all argumentative
And you've got the face on
Yah. The last thing I want is to be always disapproving. I don't want to always hold the bad over people's heads and be a jerk expecting perfection. I want to be able to enjoy the laughs and good times. Because otherwise life gets too down and dirty and dramatic. I know I'm all argumentative. But I'm attempting to fix it. No, let's not argue over silly things. Because that's what causes wars and hate and fear. And what the world needs now is love.
1. My mom was right. *sigh*. Situations are very delicate when you have that many horomones on one campsite, and there were moments when I wished I would have listened.
2. It's so easy to not bother with morals. I really wish I engaged in criminal activity and questionable substances, cuz it's so much easier to just not hafta worry about a reputation.
3. I'm a jerk.
So yah, other than that, my weekend was awesome
This evening I went out for coffee with my anti-dramatic friend (the good kind of anti-dramatic) and then came home and caused dramatics with the Criminal.
Ridiculous how often this happens. I really must learn to keep my vendettas to myself. So first I started a shtick about how nice it would be to become a druggie. Of course I didn't mean it. I was just out for a psychological stroll. And then a comment was made and drama began, and I really do feel the worse for fighting. Who am I to condemn other people's decisions? I know I've screwed up enough on my own. Then again, who is anyone else to say I'm a bad person, when I know they've done as much and worse.
Point being: I'm gonna let God take care of all the condemnation and judging stuff, cuz it's far too depressing for me.
So I definitely have found two new musical passions: Jack's Mannequin and the Arctic Monkeys. The first one is kind of Ben Folds sound and really deep and makes me think. The second is more Queen/ Beatles sound and really blatant and honest and makes me think.
Song of the day is "Mardy Bum" by the Arctic Monkeys, which has forced me to say sorry to the Criminal, because the last person I want to be is the one in that song. In fact, here are the lyrics so that you won't haft feel too guilty for not looking them up or finding the song...
Well now then Mardy Bum
I've seen your frown
And it's like looking down the barrel of a gun
And it goes off
And out come all these words
Oh there's a very pleasant side to you
A side I much prefer
It's one that laughs and jokes around
Remember cuddles in the kitchen
Yeah, to get things off the ground
And it was up, up and away
Oh, but it's right hard to remember
That on a day like today when you're all argumentative
And you've got the face on
Well now then Mardy Bum
Oh I'm in trouble again, aren't I
I thought as much
Cause you turned over there
Pulling that silent disappointment face
The one that I can't bear
Can't we, laugh and joke around
Remember cuddles in the kitchen
Yeah, to get things off the ground
And it was up, up and away
Oh, but it's right hard to remember
That on a day like today when you're all argumentative
And you've got the face on
And yeah I'm sorry I was late
well I missed the train
And then the traffic was a state
And I can't be arsed to carry on in this debate
That reoccurs, oh when you say I don't care
but of course I do, yeah I clearly do!
So laugh and joke around
Remember cuddles in the kitchen
Yeah, to get things off the ground
And it was up, up and away
Still, but it's right hard to remember
That on a day like today when you're all argumentative
And you've got the face on
Yah. The last thing I want is to be always disapproving. I don't want to always hold the bad over people's heads and be a jerk expecting perfection. I want to be able to enjoy the laughs and good times. Because otherwise life gets too down and dirty and dramatic. I know I'm all argumentative. But I'm attempting to fix it. No, let's not argue over silly things. Because that's what causes wars and hate and fear. And what the world needs now is love.
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