Cravings

There's a lot of things I want to do in life. I know that I have to pick one and stick with it, and I am happy with my decision to this point, but conversations today made me wish that I could choose other things, too.

Talking to the Faheys today about their organic farming aspirations made me wish I could move with them and just live on a farm forever and be happy with "the simple life".

Talking to Peter made me wish I wasn't designed for a life of single-ness. It also made me wish that I really was a purely logical being.

Talking to Heather made me wish I could get along with Christian people better. I am just altogether too much of a jerk to be let loose in a Bible study for people my own age. That being said, it looks like next Sunday I will be let loose in a Bible study of people my own age. Stay tuned for gory details, heh.

It's not that I'm very unhappy with myself, it's just that the alternative seems like a lot of fun sometimes. Living on a farm with a husband and a few friends in range feels attractive right now. I know that it's not who I am though. That is not what I'm made for. I'm made for Africa, in a tree, by myself.

I've been thinking about Cyrano de Bergerac a lot in this context. I love how strong he is, how independent, how complete. I know he is fictional, and that there is no one quite as ideal as he was, but it's something which I aspire to; "to walk in my own way and be alone. Free, with an eye to see things as they are". I don't want to be dependent on any person for my happiness, comfort, or productivity. I'm not saying that I want to always be alone and I hate people. There are a lot of people whose company I truly enjoy and their existence is a great pleasure to me. I should be able to be happy and functional without their assistance, though. That is what I mean.

Funny thing: Have not had a smoke for a week and a bit and do not miss it at all. Maybe I was less addicted than I thought.