Premier: Is being genuine the opposite of being insincere?
Now: To business!
I got up early today (seven AM feels early anyway) and walked down town to catch the bus to the vet college.
I worked hard for no money from 8:30 till 2:30, and worked not hard for lots of money from 4:30 till 6. I stopped in between to eat and take a healthy walk and take buses.
I got home around 7 and showered and ate more healthfulness. People arrived around 8:30 and thoroughly delightful times were had (by me, anyway).
So now
What the frik is wrong with me.
Maybe it's because it's the first really quiet moment I've had to myself in a while that Dr Anjelica is hijacking me. These silent hours that I've always valued now seem like punishment.
I shouldn't lie. I do know why it is. It's something that I know I should want to fix; I am mentally aware that I should care. I just don't. I entirely lack the motivation.
I suppose this is what my therapist said about emotion. No matter how much I know I should pull myself together, if I don't feel like it it's not going to happen.
So now I'm attempting to find a way to make myself care emotionally. I put up some social pressures for myself, but I've been circumventing social systems for so long that it's not even a challenge to me. I've tried mentally bullying myself into caring but because I have no idea what caring actually feels like it's kind of like shooting in the dark.
Enh.
I'll just keep doing my thing, I guess. Go to work. Go to school. Hang with friends. Get some money. Get some facts. Get some lolz.
Look at me, I'm succeeding...
Sometimes we shouldn't beat ourselves up so much about the why's of our feelings, and the analyzings of "i should have been more considerate" and such because the heart and head are entirely two different things. this is what i struggle with. knowing i should do things to get better but instead doing things that make me feel sadder (like listening to sad music) because at least with music i can connect with it at that moment. is it better in the long run?will it make me feel better? will it bring me closer to that ultimate goal of being stable? no. but in that moment, my emotions rule because i know i feel alone and sad, and the only thing i want is connection: even if that connection is a sad or angry song that doesn't help my mood get better, it's just there to ride out the storm with me.
ReplyDeletedon't beat yourself up about why you feel what you feel. you can take drugs to change it, but then are you changing your emotions for the right reasons? i ask myself that and i dont know if the sacrifice of being able to say "all these emotions, no matter how crazy, are mine and mine alone and influenced by nothing but me" is worth it because now i dont know where my emotions come from, how is it a drug can calm one side of me so deeply? isnt that side of me a part of me too? blah. i can feel a blog stemming from this lol. i dont even know if this is relevant to your post anymore i just started writing lol.