Friday, November 11, 2011

Remembrance Day

Dulce et Decorum Est

Bent double, like old beggars under sacks,
Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,
Till on the haunting flares we turned out backs,
And towards our distant rest began to trudge.
Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots,
But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame, all blind;
Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots
Of gas-shells dropping softly behind.

Gas! GAS! Quick, boys!--An ecstasy of fumbling
Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time,
But someone still was yelling out and stumbling
And flound'ring like a man in fire or lime.--
Dim through the misty panes and thick green light,
As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.

In all my dreams before my helpless sight
He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.

If in some smothering dreams, you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin,
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs
Bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,--
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old Lie: Dulce et decorum est
Pro patria mori.
-Wilfred Owen


Do Not Go Gentle

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rage at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

-Dylan Thomas


But now, for the first time, I see you are a man like me. I thought of your hand-grenades, of your bayonet, of your rifle; now I see your wife and your face and our fellowship. Forgive me, comrade. We always see it too late. Why do they never tell us that you are poor devils like us, that your mothers are just as anxious as ours, and that we have the same fear of death, and the same dying and the same agony--Forgive me, comrade; how could you be my enemy?

-Erich Maria Remarque


Dirge Without Music

I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.
So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind:
Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely. Crowned
With lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned.

Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you.
Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust.
A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew,
A formula, a phrase remains,—but the best is lost.

The answers quick and keen, the honest look, the laughter, the
love,—
They are gone. They are gone to feed the roses. Elegant and curled
Is the blossom. Fragrant is the blossom. I know. But I do not
approve.
More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the
world.

Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.

-Edna St. Vincent Millay

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Found out today that you need to pass an interview to get food from the food bank. It seems unnecessary.

Life's been many an irritating thing recently. School is getting me down, lack of happypills has allowed for the return to my naturally nihilistic state, there are more insects than food in my apartment (less irritating, more ridiculous).

Since quitting my jorb I've felt desperately poor and have avoided turning on the heat, eating, smoking, or doing anything other than my homework.

Basically my brain is in the sewer-like depths of the "everything sucks forever" thing and the things which I know would cheer me up are no good for me (smoking, burning things, manipulating people by lying to them).

I hate trying to put my life on track. I'm not going to say "back" on track because there's no convincing evidence that it has every been going anywhere. If you are remotely interested in what I spend my time thinking about on a nice Tuesday evening at home, go read the Wikipedia article on Existentialism, noting especially the bits on Angst and The Absurd.

BITS LOL

The main disagreement I have with existential philosophy is that I believe on some level that the universe or existence or life or whatever does make sense. There's purpose behind it somewhere. The right answer is the one which assumes the fewest ridiculous things.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Mutant superpowers!

It's ridiculous how much of a rush I get from boy attention. It turns me into a cackling, maniacal, goddess-like critter full of a need for worship but disdain for anyone who bends to my will.

Nonsense! But it's so simple to acquire and so nifty to have...

In other news, I am so far behind in school that I'm considering dropping out and making something of my life. NO BAD SCHOOL FINISHING MUST

In other words, grar.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

I've been neglecting this

I'm enjoying this morning actually. I've got a midterm to write in about 15 minutes that I am not really prepared for, and I stayed up late and slept in late and I'm on my second coffee.

There's a student and his dad sitting at the table next to me talking about plagiarism and current events and stuff. They sound like they get along well and it makes me happy.

I did laundry! Only Roomie knows how big an accomplishment this is. I'm lazy and busy, so anything that is not of immediate importance I just can't be bothered to do.

Things are piling up. I'm thinking of every deadline I've got coming soon and it makes me wind up inside and get all flustered. Counteraction: learning Aerosmith songs on the guitar! I've got Dream On in a pretty workable state (sans riffs though).

Rock climbing tonight! Paper due tomorrow! Doctor's appt tomorrow! Work on Friday! Detroit on Saturday! Work on Sunday! School on Monday! AAAHAHAHA*sob*

This is normals!

Friday, September 30, 2011

The Kids are Ultra-Violet

Somebodies fucked up kids
They're ruining everything
Tiny effervescent virulent eyes
Ripped out the sockets in the middle of the night
The night
The night
The night
The night
The night
Could have been some kind of chemical reaction
Could have been the drugs I don't know what it could have been
Were sick of our skin but in the dark it felt nice
Were sick of our skin but in the dark it felt nice
The night
The night
The night


- Wintersleep

Standing in my driveway last night having a cigarette and an angst attack, this song popped up on my iPod. I shut my eyes and listened as hard as I could, it felt so good in my messy brain.

Then my Cargill peeps said they were going out for the one girl's birthday, so I met them at the bar and we all hung about until 2AM.

Conclusion: I like to be by myself but I like other people too.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Every time I am in this class I get so irritated that I could slap everyone, and particularly this guy sitting on the far side of the class who is always blathering about what he did in the experiment, blahblahblah. The profs are always trying to herd us towards an expected answer to a question, but never give us decent clues on what they're looking for. It doesn't help that I've never had quite enough sleep.

Ooh,one of my profs published something cool! I won't bog you down with the paper, but here's a news article on what he's working on. He's actually my program advisor and boots buddy.

I've had a crazy few days with writing papers and visiting with crazy uncle and drinking coffee. I'm reacquainting myself with a state of being that was inaccessible to me while I was on drugs: loopy yet vaguely functional tiredness. I'm kind of enjoying this return to my 'normal' self. Some new friends, who have never seen me like this, may be put off. I am doing my best to be comfortable in myself and confident that some people will probably still think I'm alright even though I'm a little bit weirder than they had originally anticipated.

So I will return to the class discussion and attempt to figure out what to poop the silly profs are on about.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Med-less Day 1

I don't feel any different. This is good?