Alright, I admit it, I blew it out of proportion. Granted I'm still not good at meeting people, and I'm still a bit scared of a few, I'm really excited to be here now. I want to see what will happen. I know I'm in the right place.
I'll post ohotos of my room soon.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Friday, August 29, 2008
Something tells me I'll never be close to another like you
Helped me through the tings that we all go through.
Cuz you make every song sound better,
Taught me how to write a letter.
I think everyone should get along like me and my first sterero
And you used to sing me to sleep
and always stood behind me
Everyone wants, everyone needs,
everyone hurts sometimes like me
It never rejects me, always accepts me
nothing can compete with my first stereo
My First Stereo - FM Static
I'm leaving a stage of life tonight. And I really wish there were certain people backing me up on this, but they don't approve. They have no idea how much it hurt to have them selfishly doubting me when what I wanted...needed... was reassurance. I wanted to be told that we're still gonna talk and laugh and hang out. I wanted to feel that they support my decisions like I supported theirs. I wanted someone to hold onto through the crazy, because I know there were a number of times where I've held on when a lot of people didn't. And of course, they couldn't do that for me.
Angsty maybe.... but I blame my tummy, my lack of sleep, and the nassty little horde of flies in my living room. Gosh, you little beasts, go procreate elsewhere!
Helped me through the tings that we all go through.
Cuz you make every song sound better,
Taught me how to write a letter.
I think everyone should get along like me and my first sterero
And you used to sing me to sleep
and always stood behind me
Everyone wants, everyone needs,
everyone hurts sometimes like me
It never rejects me, always accepts me
nothing can compete with my first stereo
My First Stereo - FM Static
I'm leaving a stage of life tonight. And I really wish there were certain people backing me up on this, but they don't approve. They have no idea how much it hurt to have them selfishly doubting me when what I wanted...needed... was reassurance. I wanted to be told that we're still gonna talk and laugh and hang out. I wanted to feel that they support my decisions like I supported theirs. I wanted someone to hold onto through the crazy, because I know there were a number of times where I've held on when a lot of people didn't. And of course, they couldn't do that for me.
Angsty maybe.... but I blame my tummy, my lack of sleep, and the nassty little horde of flies in my living room. Gosh, you little beasts, go procreate elsewhere!
Yes, I know what time it is...
And I can't sleep.
Dang I'm scared of school.
Frik.
Thank whoever is in charge for minorly buzzed out friends to whom I can rant at 3 am.
And screw the ones who only want to bring me down.
Idealism is a strange thing, and it's a depressing thing, but I am still looking for Cyrano de Bergerac. I'm falling in love with the character Jim from The Office. Don't even ask. I started watching it this evening, and I'm halfway through season two and the guy is juss soooo cute. If I sleep, I'll get over it. Then again, it's pleasant thinking.
Dang I'm scared of school.
Frik.
Thank whoever is in charge for minorly buzzed out friends to whom I can rant at 3 am.
And screw the ones who only want to bring me down.
Idealism is a strange thing, and it's a depressing thing, but I am still looking for Cyrano de Bergerac. I'm falling in love with the character Jim from The Office. Don't even ask. I started watching it this evening, and I'm halfway through season two and the guy is juss soooo cute. If I sleep, I'll get over it. Then again, it's pleasant thinking.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
A moment that I would rather not have had
Can we please retake that one?
Oh man.
Unnecessary pain and negativity and yelling and headaches and tummy aches and just stupidness.
What the heck is your problem? Get out of my puddles. The way you move and speak and treat me move me to rage so quickly that I can't understand what the heck happened to the brain I thought I had. For the sake of everyone involved, do not start with me. Because I won't start with you, but if you start it I'm not going to back down. That puddle water is going straight into your face.
On the other hand, thanks to my boys. You know how to cheer me up.
Before this happened, I wasn't doing too bad. I wrote a thing about a guy I saw at No Frills. Here you go:
What's wrong with these people that they can't be content? The media drives them and they're intent on seeing their hard earned cash well spent. Business man driving a beat up red car. He's pretty successful, yep, he's gone far. But he can't be happy till he has a new car. It's a blot on his shiny image, like a disfiguring scar. No man, you're never gonna attain it: the level of stuff where you say "that's enough" is further away than when you started to chase it. Your blue shirt and yellow tie look spiffy and they fit, and if you drive a crap car we're all ok with it. Because you've done fine, man, you're worth more than the outfit. So if you drive a crap car, then own it. That new car won't make the crazy go away. That resentment inside you that's rising and writhing; and one day you'll snap and end up despising all the time you wasted and it will be surprising how much you hate this perfect image that you've been devising. Man, know yourself, that's all you can do. You can't let the media get to you. They will tell you that to be happy you've got to be new when in reality you've only got to be true - to yourself and the crazy, because you know it's real. The only reality is what you feel, and that's what the commercials try to steal. Hold on to it, man, and drive that car. I think it makes you original.
That was my supermarket shpeel.
And I love my horse and the people at the barn because they know when to leave well enough alone.
And I love the movie Tropic Thunder. I don't care what anyone says - Ben Stiller is hilarious.
How am I supposed to survive another 3.5 days?
"Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away. And now I need a place to hide away. Oh I believe in yesterday" - the Beatles. Thank you for writing that song. And all your songs. The music of reality, it is.
Oh man.
Unnecessary pain and negativity and yelling and headaches and tummy aches and just stupidness.
What the heck is your problem? Get out of my puddles. The way you move and speak and treat me move me to rage so quickly that I can't understand what the heck happened to the brain I thought I had. For the sake of everyone involved, do not start with me. Because I won't start with you, but if you start it I'm not going to back down. That puddle water is going straight into your face.
On the other hand, thanks to my boys. You know how to cheer me up.
Before this happened, I wasn't doing too bad. I wrote a thing about a guy I saw at No Frills. Here you go:
What's wrong with these people that they can't be content? The media drives them and they're intent on seeing their hard earned cash well spent. Business man driving a beat up red car. He's pretty successful, yep, he's gone far. But he can't be happy till he has a new car. It's a blot on his shiny image, like a disfiguring scar. No man, you're never gonna attain it: the level of stuff where you say "that's enough" is further away than when you started to chase it. Your blue shirt and yellow tie look spiffy and they fit, and if you drive a crap car we're all ok with it. Because you've done fine, man, you're worth more than the outfit. So if you drive a crap car, then own it. That new car won't make the crazy go away. That resentment inside you that's rising and writhing; and one day you'll snap and end up despising all the time you wasted and it will be surprising how much you hate this perfect image that you've been devising. Man, know yourself, that's all you can do. You can't let the media get to you. They will tell you that to be happy you've got to be new when in reality you've only got to be true - to yourself and the crazy, because you know it's real. The only reality is what you feel, and that's what the commercials try to steal. Hold on to it, man, and drive that car. I think it makes you original.
That was my supermarket shpeel.
And I love my horse and the people at the barn because they know when to leave well enough alone.
And I love the movie Tropic Thunder. I don't care what anyone says - Ben Stiller is hilarious.
How am I supposed to survive another 3.5 days?
"Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away. And now I need a place to hide away. Oh I believe in yesterday" - the Beatles. Thank you for writing that song. And all your songs. The music of reality, it is.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
And I watched the first half hour of "Into the Wild" and decided I couldn't.
That wasn't what Chris Mcandless wanted.
All he wanted was to free himself from this stupid materialistic network that is becoming more and more impossible to escape.
And a movie isn't any part of that. He in a shining example of how people need to stop looking to movies and media to define them, and find their own minute, delicate shade of meaning and existence. Silly movies.
That wasn't what Chris Mcandless wanted.
All he wanted was to free himself from this stupid materialistic network that is becoming more and more impossible to escape.
And a movie isn't any part of that. He in a shining example of how people need to stop looking to movies and media to define them, and find their own minute, delicate shade of meaning and existence. Silly movies.
I'm scared out my jeans of the future
Seriously scared.
Terrified.
My stomach contracts and I feel my forehead crinkle up involuntarily.
Not the immediate future. That's quite manageable to think of. Next week, next month, next year.
It's the indefinite future. "At some point fast approaching". The point where everyone I know and who knows me has died, and all the people who knew them died. All memory has passed out of existence. And the future is entirely out of my hands. There will be a time of the future like that for everyone. There are thousands of humans who are dirt and dust and farms now, and all memory of them is gone. Shakespeare's time is coming. One day the last person to hear the long-lost legend of a great poet will die. His wikipedia page will have been deleted by some agency for avoiding dwelling on the past. And it will be just like he never existed.
I digress. To the point...
I am reading "Ninteen Eighty-Four" by George Orwell. Terrifying book. I'm honestly afraid to read it further because I don't want to think about it, and I don't want to believe it. The idea of no more love, no more aspiration to goodness, and the never ending knowledge that everything one does is monitored makes me so afraid for my world, my race, and the offspring thereof. Envision the effects of needing to maintain that mask of orthodoxy, even when you sleep, eat, shower, and blog. The knowledge that "nothing was your own except the few cubic centimetres inside your skull".
And it really could happen. Not for a long time, of course, we're still holding our own. But our language is slipping away. Words denoting the finest shades of meaning - the shades that make meanings individual and minute and real, such as nature is - are disappearing. Do you know the word 'ecru', for example? It's a beautiful, natural colour, and I can picture it precisely in my mind because it is specific and clear. A common word such as 'bad' though, that word is undefined as the universe. Bad as in Saddam Hussein or as in splurging on a pair of shows you know you don't really need? Bad as in being a pedophilic monstrosity or bad as in the sketchy fruit in my refridgerator? 'Bad' is a child's word. They lack direct comprehension, so their language must also be vague. They don't know what they're getting at. If our language becomes vague, we will no longer be able to communicate exactly what we mean. And then the fight is up. Because then how will we describe to someone exactly the colour of unbleached linen? How can I define the difference between an aquaintance and a friend if the only word for either is 'comrade'?
The book has gotten to me. I'm only on page 57. All I know is that I am rather passionate about ecru and my right to not be watched by the government every moment of every day. I like that I right now can make any expression I like and no one will know the difference. There. I just made a grimace-y rat face at the window. Serves it right.
Anyway, I had jolly fun at my first horse show today. Jemma and I won ribbons and a bit of money. So I got myself an iced cap. I didn't give Jem anything. She was happy enough to get back to her field and graze with her best but Jenevieve. I am gonna miss that horse so much. I've become so accustomed to loving her. There are some days where I imagine she doesn't mind me too much either. *sigh*. Today was my last saturday in Elmira. Ooh man.
*stomach goes AH! NO!*
Terrified.
My stomach contracts and I feel my forehead crinkle up involuntarily.
Not the immediate future. That's quite manageable to think of. Next week, next month, next year.
It's the indefinite future. "At some point fast approaching". The point where everyone I know and who knows me has died, and all the people who knew them died. All memory has passed out of existence. And the future is entirely out of my hands. There will be a time of the future like that for everyone. There are thousands of humans who are dirt and dust and farms now, and all memory of them is gone. Shakespeare's time is coming. One day the last person to hear the long-lost legend of a great poet will die. His wikipedia page will have been deleted by some agency for avoiding dwelling on the past. And it will be just like he never existed.
I digress. To the point...
I am reading "Ninteen Eighty-Four" by George Orwell. Terrifying book. I'm honestly afraid to read it further because I don't want to think about it, and I don't want to believe it. The idea of no more love, no more aspiration to goodness, and the never ending knowledge that everything one does is monitored makes me so afraid for my world, my race, and the offspring thereof. Envision the effects of needing to maintain that mask of orthodoxy, even when you sleep, eat, shower, and blog. The knowledge that "nothing was your own except the few cubic centimetres inside your skull".
And it really could happen. Not for a long time, of course, we're still holding our own. But our language is slipping away. Words denoting the finest shades of meaning - the shades that make meanings individual and minute and real, such as nature is - are disappearing. Do you know the word 'ecru', for example? It's a beautiful, natural colour, and I can picture it precisely in my mind because it is specific and clear. A common word such as 'bad' though, that word is undefined as the universe. Bad as in Saddam Hussein or as in splurging on a pair of shows you know you don't really need? Bad as in being a pedophilic monstrosity or bad as in the sketchy fruit in my refridgerator? 'Bad' is a child's word. They lack direct comprehension, so their language must also be vague. They don't know what they're getting at. If our language becomes vague, we will no longer be able to communicate exactly what we mean. And then the fight is up. Because then how will we describe to someone exactly the colour of unbleached linen? How can I define the difference between an aquaintance and a friend if the only word for either is 'comrade'?
The book has gotten to me. I'm only on page 57. All I know is that I am rather passionate about ecru and my right to not be watched by the government every moment of every day. I like that I right now can make any expression I like and no one will know the difference. There. I just made a grimace-y rat face at the window. Serves it right.
Anyway, I had jolly fun at my first horse show today. Jemma and I won ribbons and a bit of money. So I got myself an iced cap. I didn't give Jem anything. She was happy enough to get back to her field and graze with her best but Jenevieve. I am gonna miss that horse so much. I've become so accustomed to loving her. There are some days where I imagine she doesn't mind me too much either. *sigh*. Today was my last saturday in Elmira. Ooh man.
*stomach goes AH! NO!*
The Shuffle Game
Thought I'd include this for some fun.
1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
1)Are you a male or female?
Tel un Seul Homme - Pierre lapointe... oh dear!
2) Describe yourself?
Norweigian Dance - Edvard Greig
3) How do you feel about yourself?
African Sunset - Miriam Makeba
4) Describe your family.
Who Am I - from Les Miserables
5) What would your family say about you?
Vision of Escaflone - Cantos Gregorianos
6) Describe your current love interest?
Summer In the City - Three Dog Night (aka SEXAY!)
7) What would your current love interest say about you?
Money, Sucess, Fame, Glamour - Party Monster
8) Describe your current location:
Piano Bar - Norah Jones
9) Describe where you want to be:
A Heart Full of Love - from Les Miserables (I hate this song passionately)
10) Describe what you want to be:
March of the Dead - Becoming the Archetype
11) Describe your best friend:
Emo - Blink 182 (oh snap Amie!)
12) What would your best friend say about you?
Angel - Rammestein (OH SNAP! oh amie, hah)
13) Your favorite color is:
Cleaning Out my Closet - Eminem (yes I have him on my iPod)
14) You know that:
Roving Gambler - Arlo Guthrie + Pete Seeger
15) What is the weather like?
Down on Main Street - Bob Seeger
16) If your life was a television show, what would it be called?
The Journey - Karl Jenkins
17) What is life to you?
Girl at the Rock Show - Blink 182
18) What is the best advice you have to give?
Two A.M. Lovesick - Blue October
19) What is the meaning of life?
Buckets for Bullet Wounds - House of Heroes
20) What is life’s biggest problem?
Symphonie Fantastique - Hector Berlioz
21) What solves the mysteries of life?
Philosophy - Ben Folds Five
22) What is your dream?
Our House - Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young
23) What is your greatest fear?
I Am Cow - Arrogant Worms (HAH! I really would hate being a cow, it's true)
24) What is your worst attribute?
On A Day Like Today - Bryan Adams
25) What is your greatest strength?
Mustang Sally - Blues Brothers
26) Describe your love life:
Down On the Corner - CCR (sketchy... hehe)
27) How are you going to die?
Youth of the Nation - P.O.D. (actually, if you listen to this song, that's how I'd wanna go.
28) If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
I Walk the Line - Johnny Cash
29) What do your friends think of you?
We've Got Tonight - Bob Seeger
30) What is your funeral song going to be?
Witches Sabbath - Hector Berlioz
31) What will you be remembered for?
Elegy - As I Lay Dying
32) What will end up being your greatest accomplishment?
Rise Inside - Killswitch Engage
33) What will be engraved on your tombstone?
25-1-14-14 - Pierr Lapointe (This is a really sweet song. Instrumental only)
I didnt like how some of those didn't make any sense. My faves are 1, 11, 12, and 26. This is fun though. Hehe.
1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
1)Are you a male or female?
Tel un Seul Homme - Pierre lapointe... oh dear!
2) Describe yourself?
Norweigian Dance - Edvard Greig
3) How do you feel about yourself?
African Sunset - Miriam Makeba
4) Describe your family.
Who Am I - from Les Miserables
5) What would your family say about you?
Vision of Escaflone - Cantos Gregorianos
6) Describe your current love interest?
Summer In the City - Three Dog Night (aka SEXAY!)
7) What would your current love interest say about you?
Money, Sucess, Fame, Glamour - Party Monster
8) Describe your current location:
Piano Bar - Norah Jones
9) Describe where you want to be:
A Heart Full of Love - from Les Miserables (I hate this song passionately)
10) Describe what you want to be:
March of the Dead - Becoming the Archetype
11) Describe your best friend:
Emo - Blink 182 (oh snap Amie!)
12) What would your best friend say about you?
Angel - Rammestein (OH SNAP! oh amie, hah)
13) Your favorite color is:
Cleaning Out my Closet - Eminem (yes I have him on my iPod)
14) You know that:
Roving Gambler - Arlo Guthrie + Pete Seeger
15) What is the weather like?
Down on Main Street - Bob Seeger
16) If your life was a television show, what would it be called?
The Journey - Karl Jenkins
17) What is life to you?
Girl at the Rock Show - Blink 182
18) What is the best advice you have to give?
Two A.M. Lovesick - Blue October
19) What is the meaning of life?
Buckets for Bullet Wounds - House of Heroes
20) What is life’s biggest problem?
Symphonie Fantastique - Hector Berlioz
21) What solves the mysteries of life?
Philosophy - Ben Folds Five
22) What is your dream?
Our House - Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young
23) What is your greatest fear?
I Am Cow - Arrogant Worms (HAH! I really would hate being a cow, it's true)
24) What is your worst attribute?
On A Day Like Today - Bryan Adams
25) What is your greatest strength?
Mustang Sally - Blues Brothers
26) Describe your love life:
Down On the Corner - CCR (sketchy... hehe)
27) How are you going to die?
Youth of the Nation - P.O.D. (actually, if you listen to this song, that's how I'd wanna go.
28) If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
I Walk the Line - Johnny Cash
29) What do your friends think of you?
We've Got Tonight - Bob Seeger
30) What is your funeral song going to be?
Witches Sabbath - Hector Berlioz
31) What will you be remembered for?
Elegy - As I Lay Dying
32) What will end up being your greatest accomplishment?
Rise Inside - Killswitch Engage
33) What will be engraved on your tombstone?
25-1-14-14 - Pierr Lapointe (This is a really sweet song. Instrumental only)
I didnt like how some of those didn't make any sense. My faves are 1, 11, 12, and 26. This is fun though. Hehe.
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