Readership

I've recently discovered a feature on Blogger that lets me check how many people actually read each blog post. I'm actually surprised at how many page views I get each month.
That being said, I don't know how many of these are just the same people compulsively clicking over the this site.
So, if you don't mind, I want to try and assess who is kicking around here. If you are a somewhat regular reader, let me know what you think of the new layout via comments. You don't have to leave a name or anything if you don't want.

In regards to the new layout, I wanted something a little more cohesive. I didn't like the 5 colour, 3 font scheme that was going on. I like green, so I kept it. I'm still unsure about the blackness. I feel like it gives it too much of an 'emo' tone or something. I really like the way everything is all aligned in this one, and the black-text-on-grey-box for the posts. It's not too hard to read or anything is it? I think its nicer for night reading now. I hate opening a wobsite that is predominantly white when I've just woken up or when I'm sleepy. Burny retinas.

Another thing I want to point out is that I do cater to the people who read this to some extent. I know that a lot of people think it's a silly way to live life; changing how you act around different people is seen as a form of dishonesty. However, I think that if I said everything I thought all the time I would be in very big trouble. I filter the way I present myself, and I think that it is a fair approach to relationships (unless you're getting married to the person (which I'm not (and certainly not to any of you))). If I know what sorts of people are checking up on me here, I will try to put in things of interest to those sorts of people. Don't think that by not telling me you're around you'll get a "more honest" representation of me in here. No matter who I'm talking to there will be filtering. It's not an issue of more or less honesty, but rather sometimes there's things you don't want to hear from someone, and I would like to facilitate everyone's comfort.

I will not straight up lie, of course. Editing out some things is a good way for me to assess my actions and thoughts.

Somehow, after typing that all out, I think I'm a rotten person. Is filtering cheating? Crap.
I just want people to like me. That's what it all boils down to, sadly enough. Is that wrong? I think it is probably wrong. Not morally really, but in a "Life: you're doing it wrong" sense.

Anyway, comments or suggestions for the layout would be awesome!

I'm listening to the Pirate Radio soundtrack and I just want to dance around with Robo-Kitty. Imma dance around with Robo-Kitty.

Sleepy little Robo0-Kitty is licking my laptap. Weird.

School starts for me tomorrow. The idea is that I will be working really hard at school and rock climbing with my father or friends and generally working hard at making myself more useful.

Truthfully I'm just all grey about this semester. I don't care much. I'm having an existential evening. I've needed either a hug or a SuperSoaker. I got Facebook instead.

And this sleepy, warm kitty, whom I envy greatly. Darling kitty.

I am bad at life

Here is an example:

Yesterday I was sitting in the University Centre lap-tapping away, getting stuff done for housing next year. It was maybe 130pm, and I had to meet a girl to sell a textbook at 230. I left Jam Haus early to avoid the landlady, because she was showing it to some prospective tenants.

Out of the blue a guy walked up to me and just struck up conversation. Wishing to be polite, I went along with it, chatting about majors and school based things. He asked me straight up if I smoke pot, which I thought was a strange thing. And he asked if I wanted to get lunch. I excused myself, saying I had to meet my landlady to talk about something. He said ok, but would I want to hang out tomorrow (as in today). I am spineless and don't like to make people sad, so I said sure. He asked for my number, and I gave it to him.

After freaking out very hard for a while, I talked to some helpful people who said this was a good thing and that it's ok. It was decided that lunch can't hurt.

So today at around 1130 he called and asked if today was fine for lunch. I said sure, and we met at this Chinese place. About 15 minutes into the conversation it became apparent that we had absolutely NOTHING in common. It was difficult to hold up conversation because he didn't believe in follow up questions and just moved from one topic to the next like he was checking them off a list. He also kept talking about how he like cooking and had worked as a massage person and that if i was "nice" he would give me one. So peculiar.

Lunch over with, he invited me to his place to watch The Hangover. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I had seen it twice and didn't like it at all. So we went to his house and he kept making a big deal about hugs (bad sign right there eh?). I told him I had to be home fairly soon because my roomie and I were gonna go look at a house to rent. About 3 minutes into the movie he straight up tried to hold my hand and I was like "Watch the movie" and he was all "Don't you like to cuddle" and I was like "I'm not a very touchy person". He seemed to lose all hope at that point and I left pretty soon after that.

I'm actually kinda giggling to myself about it. Who does that? Just walks up to a chick, asks her out to lunch, and expects to get cuddles out of it? Do I come across as a particularly easy or cuddly sort? I must be losing my sharp edges. I like my sharp edges.

So I have learned that people are ridiculous, and some of them deserve to be shot down immediately, before they get any silly ideas. Also have remembered that I am very bad at saying no to people. I very much hate to disappoint.

Right now though, I'm pretty chipper. This whole thing kinda cheered me up, and off to see TRON! tonight with the good people that I like.

Discovery

Smoking is better for lady problems than ibuprofen. Spread the word.

Roomie is from home this evening, and the landlady had to show the apartment (we will be moving in the spring) so I went for a walk and spent the last of my money on cigarettes.

I' taken to visiting Doug and Lynn at the farm on most Sundays. It's so calming, and they always give me a drink and a cigarette. Now that I have some of the tasty ones I can return the favour. They are so lovely to be around, and they make me feel like they enjoy having me there, too.

It's funny how I ended up being friends with them. I saw an ad for very cheap horse board in the Elmira observer the summer before I got Jemma, so I called, set up an appointment, and biked out to the farm to have a look and chat. Lynn was out walking her massive Irish Wolfhound, and the silly dog came running up to me to say hi. I only found out later that Una, the wolfhound, is very shy. Lynn and I hit it off, even though I was completely clueless and she knew it. I was very scared of Doug for a while, because he is not an overtly friendly person and I am scared of everyone.
They taught me a lot. When Jemma had colic they helped me walk her and let me borrow some of their supplies. When I got screwed over by the people I leased her too they let me bring her back on really short notice. When I couldn't pay for her any more, they looked after her. It's rare (especially in the horse industry) that you find people so willing to help and be good people.
Whenever I've had problems at home or stress with school or friends, I've gone out there to have a ride and a talk. I don't know which did me more good - the time alone in the forest or the time talking to Lynn. She always backs me up when I'm fighting with my mother or tells me when I'm not making smart choices. Doug always teases me about my "little mennonite boyfriend" or chats about movies and travel and books and music. We have similar tastes.

I consider them to be replacement parents, or at least an aunt and uncle.
Having older friends is the best thing in the world. They are much better at perspective than young friends. Sure, I don't go out drinking with them or anything, but they remind me that there are good people in the world. It's worth trying to get to know people, because some of them are like Lynn and Doug.

That's all I wanted to say. I'm gonna re-watch some Band of Brothers and be thankful for the awesome that is Winters.

Imma try

Or try to try.

One of the worst things for me in life is that I haven't had to try for much of anything yet. School has never been very difficult; putting in the bare minimum has always gotten me good enough results. Friendships in high school were easily made, easily broken, easily mended. Anything which required effort I've habitually avoided: sports, commitment, achievement, etc.

I think I'm sick of scraping by. I'm sick of not trying for fear of failure. It's such a yellow-bellied way to get through life. I want to stop having lame excuses for why I waste so much time watching movies or on Facebook.

If something or someone matters to me, I'm gonna try. Or try to try. I'm very bad at it.

Also: Happy New Year!

Part of this whole effort is to improve my mind is to read more than I have been in the past year.
I currently have 3 books on the go, all of which are very much worth my time, energy, respect, consumption, and application. I have already mentioned "The Problem of Pain" by C. S. Lewis. I am also reading "The Art of War" by Sun Tzu and a collection of essays on the greatest military leaders of the past which is also entitled "The Art of War".

Sun Tzu's book is tiny, and written in this weird poetic manner. Most of the strategies he outlines seem like common sense to the modern observer (eg: attack a weak point, don't drag a war out for long), but for his time it was revolutionary. It is interesting, after reading his collection of military SOPs, to see which leaders in the other "Art of War" book followed his suggestions.

My other current endeavour is a brief study in formal and symbollic logic. I have a week before school starts, no job, not a whole lot going on. I dloaded a bunch of lectures on the subject from iTunesU for free.

I shall sit now with my delicious-smelling candle and laptap full of good things and accumulate some knowing.